So this past Thursday was supposed to be a wonderful day for me. I had an appointment with my OBGYN. I was supposed to see the little beginnings of Baby #2. Instead, I heard those awful words. Again. "There's no heartbeat." (See my July 2010 Post.) By coincidence, the miscarriage began the day I was supposed to have my pregnancy confirmed. The ultrasound revealed that while I should have been 10 weeks, 5 days, the baby stopped developing at 8 weeks, 5 days. All of my fears were confirmed. Again.
It's been a very different process than the first time. Much more painful, emotionally and physically. Thursday night I was in horrible pain with cramps and lower back pain...I didn't get a wink of sleep. It almost seems as if I have cried less...I just think I never let myself truly believe I was pregnant. I wouldn't guess boy or girl...I didn't tell many people...I just didn't want to believe anything until I heard the heartbeat. It's kind of scary that Wednesday night into Thursday morning I had a dream (more like nightmare) that I woke up and was spotting...and that at the doctor's office they wouldn't let me hear the heartbeat. Then I did wake up on Thursday, and I was spotting. And at my appointment there was no heartbeat to hear. It is truly like my body knew all along.
I'm angry. I'm angry at my body for allowing me the hopes and then forcing them to come crashing down. I'm angry that God has put me through this AGAIN. I don't understand it...and I don't understand how things went wrong 2 weeks ago but my body just let me live a lie for those two weeks.
I'm hurt that Savannah would love a playmate and can't have one. I'm hurt to see all those happy pregnant women...I'm more hurt to see all those unhappy pregnant women. I'm hurt to see all the moms out there that consider their kids "inconveniences" instead of blessings.
It all just tests every ounce of faith. I am positive that we will either have more kids some day in the future, or we will have one very spoiled little girl. Either way I am still blessed, with a daughter, a loving and supportive husband, and tons of family and friends that constantly keep us in their prayers.
So on Monday I return to the doctor for a follow-up visit. I hope to get some answers and a plan of action. From the ultrasound the doctor did say my ovaries are "unremarkable" and after the first miscarriage my doctor said everything on the inside looked fine...so that is a positive thing. Another positive? Carl and I have no trouble getting pregnant. We got pregnant with Savannah the first month trying, I got pregnant with the first miscarriage the first month trying...and this time I got pregnant the first month we decided to "not prevent"...so we weren't even actively trying, just not preventing! So I have no trouble with that...my body loves to get pregnant...but then it sabotages my chances at happiness. Maybe it's a blood clotting issue, or maybe it's a hormone issue. (My progesterone on Thursday was 4.9, and I looked up that typically during the first trimester it is 9 - 47, so maybe that is it.) I will be proactive about my health and ask for tests to be run and hopefully a solution found. While I fully intend to try again, I just don't know if I can handle a third consecutive miscarriage....two within six months is hard enough...at some point the sadness has to end...life can't be this bleak forever.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
And It Was Glorious...
Saturday was one of those days that I was able to have a glimpse of life without being a mom. Is that a life I wish for? Absolutely not. Was it a wonderful, relaxing break? Absolutely!
During the afternoon my parents were visiting and Savannah was napping...so I took advantage of the quiet time to scrapbook. Can you believe I finished the Disney 2010 scrapbook this weekend?! I cropped, glued, and completed page after page...and it was glorious!
That evening was a particular treat. Carl and I hadn't been out on a double date with our very best friends (sans children) since Savannah and Alana were born. It had been almost 2 full years!! They were in town, so the four of us took advantage of free Grandma-sitting for the evening and went to dinner. The wait was an hour...which usually would disappoint parents of toddlers...but on our night out it was a blessing! We were given extra time to catch up with our friends...without having to stop mid-conversation to parent a child. Dinner was delightful, delicious...and it was glorious!
Although it hadn't been originally planned, Carl and I decided to allow Savannah to spend the night with Grandma that night too. On the way home I fretted a bit about leaving her, but I called and told her goodnight and my mom said she was fine. I contemplated about all the things I should do since the house was child free. I told Carl I should scrapbook, or vacuum, or mop, or hang pictures...and he looked at me and said, "Why don't you just take a bath?"...so I did. I went home and left the chores for another day and enjoyed a warm bubble bath. And it was glorious!
The next morning I woke up on my own at 7:30am...to a quiet house. I slept peacefully and soundly...and the house was quiet. I brewed a cup of coffee, made myself a warm breakfast, and got online to fill myself in on the world of Facebook. I didn't have to clean food off the floor, ask Savannah a thousand times "will you sit down and eat?" and I didn't have to drink cold coffee after wrangling a toddler. And it was glorious!
Around 9:00 my parents arrived with Savannah...I was out the door before the car was parked and quickly grabbed Savannah up into my arms. I had missed her so much! She was just as delighted to see me and squeezed me tight. And it was glorious!
During the afternoon my parents were visiting and Savannah was napping...so I took advantage of the quiet time to scrapbook. Can you believe I finished the Disney 2010 scrapbook this weekend?! I cropped, glued, and completed page after page...and it was glorious!
That evening was a particular treat. Carl and I hadn't been out on a double date with our very best friends (sans children) since Savannah and Alana were born. It had been almost 2 full years!! They were in town, so the four of us took advantage of free Grandma-sitting for the evening and went to dinner. The wait was an hour...which usually would disappoint parents of toddlers...but on our night out it was a blessing! We were given extra time to catch up with our friends...without having to stop mid-conversation to parent a child. Dinner was delightful, delicious...and it was glorious!
Although it hadn't been originally planned, Carl and I decided to allow Savannah to spend the night with Grandma that night too. On the way home I fretted a bit about leaving her, but I called and told her goodnight and my mom said she was fine. I contemplated about all the things I should do since the house was child free. I told Carl I should scrapbook, or vacuum, or mop, or hang pictures...and he looked at me and said, "Why don't you just take a bath?"...so I did. I went home and left the chores for another day and enjoyed a warm bubble bath. And it was glorious!
The next morning I woke up on my own at 7:30am...to a quiet house. I slept peacefully and soundly...and the house was quiet. I brewed a cup of coffee, made myself a warm breakfast, and got online to fill myself in on the world of Facebook. I didn't have to clean food off the floor, ask Savannah a thousand times "will you sit down and eat?" and I didn't have to drink cold coffee after wrangling a toddler. And it was glorious!
Around 9:00 my parents arrived with Savannah...I was out the door before the car was parked and quickly grabbed Savannah up into my arms. I had missed her so much! She was just as delighted to see me and squeezed me tight. And it was glorious!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Another Milestone Older...
So for a while now I've been in denial about Savannah growing older. Recently she has begun to look older - especially when she lets me put headbands on. The past few months she has been the one to push the independence streak further.
First, in September she moved to her big girl room. Obviously she didn't come right out and say she wanted a big girl bed, but she was able to open the nursery door, climbed things...it was just safest to move her over. We went into that weekend thinking that if it didn't work we'd just try again in a few weeks. The first night she cried a bit, but not long after I'd walked away (less time than it took me to put on PJs!) she was quiet. Every night since it's been pretty much easy as pie...of course she has off nights, but those happened when she was in the nursery too.
Not much after that Savannah began refusing her high chair...so we switched to a booster. That lasted maybe two weeks...now she sits at her own little table next to ours at meal time. Most meals she sits in her seat and is eager to eat. She sees me getting her plate and cup ready and she runs to her table. She knows that is where we eat. It is hard at times to keep her in her seat...often when family is eating with us she wants to roam around a lot. There are also days that she really pushes buttons and wants to throw things on the floor, or whine next to the pantry door because what is on her plate isn't what she wants....but those are teachable moments. She has improved in the past few weeks...I tell her that we do not whine or throw things on the floor...one morning two weeks ago she went to the Naughty Spot four times during breakfast. It was SO hard for her, and for me. But at lunch she didn't whine or put a single piece of food in the floor. The whining is improving, but I have a feeling it will be years (if ever) until she learns to not whine. The subject of the whine might change, but it will most likely be around forever. Even though the idea of her not strapped in a seat at meal time is scary, it's a step toward her growing to be responsible and independent. It is messy at times...and sometimes meals takes a little longer than they would if she was still in a high chair (if we get up from the table she does too - so we sit the entire time)...but it's worth it. She's become so happy to feed herself and explore new foods...she is truly becoming a mini-adult.
So she does a lot like a little person now...she often wants to dress herself (especially the shoes and hair bows), she eats at a table like us, and eats all the foods we eat (minus peanuts) - she even eats pizza by the slice! She eats cereal with milk, and I noticed the other day that at the end of the cereal she tips the bowl up and drinks the milk out of it too! She sleeps in a real bedroom...and the only time I've found her not in the bed is if she falls asleep playing...but I don't think she's ever fallen off the mattress...she's doing a lot of things that will be lessons for the rest of her life. It is truly amazing to think that in less than 2 years I've taught a tiny baby how to be an independent little person.
And now for the next big milestone...potty training. It seems for a while now Savannah has been showing a lot of the signs of potty training...she sits on the potty every night before her bath and it's becoming almost nightly that she uses it when the bath water is running. The other night she used the potty without any water running at all. She hates wet diapers, and absolutely hates a dirty diaper. She often tells us immediately after she goes...she's learning how to pull her pants up and down...so many things point to the potty training phase of toddler-hood. But it is so scary for me. Not only does this mean that my little baby is almost completely done with baby things (bottles, baby food, cribs) but it also means that I am venturing into uncharted territory!
Before Savannah was born I was obviously nervous about being a mom (the week before she was born I freaked out because I thought I wouldn't know how to bathe her!) but I knew that I had done most of the mothering things before, with my nephews. I knew how to change diapers, burp a baby, feed a baby, discipline, love a tiny little person. I'd done all of that. But the one thing I had no experience with? The potty.
So now I'm at the stage of potty training and have absolutely no idea what to do. Of course I know I have family that can always advise...but I'd like to get some ideas on my own too...it's just such a tedious task to teach a child. It's a lot of work for parents too. We have to remember to ask her all the time if she needs to potty, and reward her every time with tons of praise...we have to be willing to get up first thing in the morning to take her to potty before she goes in her diaper...it is scary.
But again, I am thankful for God's plan. The miscarriage was so hard to deal with last summer...but I've said this before...God's plan is the best plan. Last fall was SO incredibly busy and would not have been a good time to be pregnant. I wasn't taking care of myself at all. I was due in February...and that would have been so difficult with Savannah also ready for potty training. Yesterday I truly felt like I appreciated the fortunes (not necessarily money) I have in my life. I have a wonderful husband that has become increasingly helpful around the house in the past month (he vacuumed - unasked!), I have an incredibly smart and playful toddler, I finally am finished with any kind of remodel or redecoration of my house, the holidays passed by and I survived the onslaught of cooking and presents and decorations and stress, I love my job (and have one of the best bosses I could ask for!), another baby is hopefully in our plans for this year, my house was clean and organized, and I am finally free of two jobs...I am just truly fortunate and blessed. God has been so good to my family.
Last night I kept trying to think if I was forgetting about some sort of chore or task I was supposed to do. I don't think I can remember a time that I was so free of things to do...and it felt so odd. I truly felt like I was forgetting something...I recounted what was happening in my life this week and made sure I was prepared...lunch made for work, O'Malley to the vet Monday...Savannah was in bed...clothes clean...there was nothing to do. I had already put away Christmas stuff, mopped, cleaned the bathrooms...I actually just laid in bed and read a good book! It was amazing. While I know this won't last long after we (hopefully) have the second child...it won't be much different. Instead of reading a good book at night I'll just be staring into the face of a beautiful baby. I'm sure there will be stressful weeks (holidays especially - decorating and undecorating this year with a toddler was hard...it will only get worse!), but most days will just be us loving each other.
So my plan for 2011? Hopefully (fingers crossed) get pregnant. I'd like to scrapbook the Disney trip. I'd also like to sort through 5 tubs of baby clothes of Savannah's. Maybe if I do get pregnant I'll make and freeze several meals ahead of time. That's it. Nothing else is on the list. Of course I will make sure Savannah has a great 2nd birthday, but nothing over the top. So for an entire year my to-do list has 4 or 5 things on it...and they all sound pretty fun to me!
First, in September she moved to her big girl room. Obviously she didn't come right out and say she wanted a big girl bed, but she was able to open the nursery door, climbed things...it was just safest to move her over. We went into that weekend thinking that if it didn't work we'd just try again in a few weeks. The first night she cried a bit, but not long after I'd walked away (less time than it took me to put on PJs!) she was quiet. Every night since it's been pretty much easy as pie...of course she has off nights, but those happened when she was in the nursery too.
Not much after that Savannah began refusing her high chair...so we switched to a booster. That lasted maybe two weeks...now she sits at her own little table next to ours at meal time. Most meals she sits in her seat and is eager to eat. She sees me getting her plate and cup ready and she runs to her table. She knows that is where we eat. It is hard at times to keep her in her seat...often when family is eating with us she wants to roam around a lot. There are also days that she really pushes buttons and wants to throw things on the floor, or whine next to the pantry door because what is on her plate isn't what she wants....but those are teachable moments. She has improved in the past few weeks...I tell her that we do not whine or throw things on the floor...one morning two weeks ago she went to the Naughty Spot four times during breakfast. It was SO hard for her, and for me. But at lunch she didn't whine or put a single piece of food in the floor. The whining is improving, but I have a feeling it will be years (if ever) until she learns to not whine. The subject of the whine might change, but it will most likely be around forever. Even though the idea of her not strapped in a seat at meal time is scary, it's a step toward her growing to be responsible and independent. It is messy at times...and sometimes meals takes a little longer than they would if she was still in a high chair (if we get up from the table she does too - so we sit the entire time)...but it's worth it. She's become so happy to feed herself and explore new foods...she is truly becoming a mini-adult.
So she does a lot like a little person now...she often wants to dress herself (especially the shoes and hair bows), she eats at a table like us, and eats all the foods we eat (minus peanuts) - she even eats pizza by the slice! She eats cereal with milk, and I noticed the other day that at the end of the cereal she tips the bowl up and drinks the milk out of it too! She sleeps in a real bedroom...and the only time I've found her not in the bed is if she falls asleep playing...but I don't think she's ever fallen off the mattress...she's doing a lot of things that will be lessons for the rest of her life. It is truly amazing to think that in less than 2 years I've taught a tiny baby how to be an independent little person.
And now for the next big milestone...potty training. It seems for a while now Savannah has been showing a lot of the signs of potty training...she sits on the potty every night before her bath and it's becoming almost nightly that she uses it when the bath water is running. The other night she used the potty without any water running at all. She hates wet diapers, and absolutely hates a dirty diaper. She often tells us immediately after she goes...she's learning how to pull her pants up and down...so many things point to the potty training phase of toddler-hood. But it is so scary for me. Not only does this mean that my little baby is almost completely done with baby things (bottles, baby food, cribs) but it also means that I am venturing into uncharted territory!
Before Savannah was born I was obviously nervous about being a mom (the week before she was born I freaked out because I thought I wouldn't know how to bathe her!) but I knew that I had done most of the mothering things before, with my nephews. I knew how to change diapers, burp a baby, feed a baby, discipline, love a tiny little person. I'd done all of that. But the one thing I had no experience with? The potty.
So now I'm at the stage of potty training and have absolutely no idea what to do. Of course I know I have family that can always advise...but I'd like to get some ideas on my own too...it's just such a tedious task to teach a child. It's a lot of work for parents too. We have to remember to ask her all the time if she needs to potty, and reward her every time with tons of praise...we have to be willing to get up first thing in the morning to take her to potty before she goes in her diaper...it is scary.
But again, I am thankful for God's plan. The miscarriage was so hard to deal with last summer...but I've said this before...God's plan is the best plan. Last fall was SO incredibly busy and would not have been a good time to be pregnant. I wasn't taking care of myself at all. I was due in February...and that would have been so difficult with Savannah also ready for potty training. Yesterday I truly felt like I appreciated the fortunes (not necessarily money) I have in my life. I have a wonderful husband that has become increasingly helpful around the house in the past month (he vacuumed - unasked!), I have an incredibly smart and playful toddler, I finally am finished with any kind of remodel or redecoration of my house, the holidays passed by and I survived the onslaught of cooking and presents and decorations and stress, I love my job (and have one of the best bosses I could ask for!), another baby is hopefully in our plans for this year, my house was clean and organized, and I am finally free of two jobs...I am just truly fortunate and blessed. God has been so good to my family.
Last night I kept trying to think if I was forgetting about some sort of chore or task I was supposed to do. I don't think I can remember a time that I was so free of things to do...and it felt so odd. I truly felt like I was forgetting something...I recounted what was happening in my life this week and made sure I was prepared...lunch made for work, O'Malley to the vet Monday...Savannah was in bed...clothes clean...there was nothing to do. I had already put away Christmas stuff, mopped, cleaned the bathrooms...I actually just laid in bed and read a good book! It was amazing. While I know this won't last long after we (hopefully) have the second child...it won't be much different. Instead of reading a good book at night I'll just be staring into the face of a beautiful baby. I'm sure there will be stressful weeks (holidays especially - decorating and undecorating this year with a toddler was hard...it will only get worse!), but most days will just be us loving each other.
So my plan for 2011? Hopefully (fingers crossed) get pregnant. I'd like to scrapbook the Disney trip. I'd also like to sort through 5 tubs of baby clothes of Savannah's. Maybe if I do get pregnant I'll make and freeze several meals ahead of time. That's it. Nothing else is on the list. Of course I will make sure Savannah has a great 2nd birthday, but nothing over the top. So for an entire year my to-do list has 4 or 5 things on it...and they all sound pretty fun to me!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Goodbye 2010 - Hello 2011
It's now the third - scratch that - fourth day of 2011. Really. I'm finally getting around to writing a blog post about the end of the year. Typically this is where I insert a gigantic paragraph about how busy I was with 20 million things on my To Do list. If you are waiting for that paragraph - you might have to wait a little longer. The reason I'm so behind? I'm lazy. And I love it!
For the first time in years, I didn't do a darn thing over Christmas break. Well - I didn't do anything that I didn't want to do. Christmas morning was amazing with Savannah. As soon as she saw all the presents by the tree she threw Lovey and Ruff on the floor and wanted down. She pointed at it all and jabbered...she just loved it all. We spent time opening presents, our families came for brunch (and I required guests to bring a dish too!) and were gone by nap time. Carl and I moved all the big Christmas presents (playhouse and kitchen) to their rightful places during those hours. After a fun afternoon and dinner, Savannah went to bed and Carl and I watched a movie. There was no running around frantically cooking and cleaning, no entertaining for hours. It was perfect. I honestly think that was one of the best Christmases I have had in a very long time.
The week following Christmas I did more of nothing. During Savannah's naps I would read (a true joy that I have missed so much!). I ended up finishing two books that week. On New Year's Eve my parents volunteered to watch Savannah. Carl and I took advantage and got the oil changed and tires rotated on my car, went grocery shopping, had a lunch out together (Oh how I love the Beanery!), and took down the outside Christmas lights (I'm not risking having to wait until February again like last year!). We both tried to stay up until midnight, but were both sound asleep by 11:30pm. There's always next year!
Now it's January. I have so much to look forward to in 2011. I am hoping for another pregnancy ending with a new baby. I am scared to death of the possibility. I'll be afraid every time I feel to slightest bit "off"...I just want to be pregnant and happy. I hate the waiting...waiting to get pregnant...waiting to see a doctor...waiting to hear a heartbeat...waiting for an ultrasound. I am normally a very patient person, but I have a feeling the first few months of the next pregnancy will be very difficult for me emotionally.
So Hello 2011, to the possibilities, the growth of Savannah, and the joys and praises to God to come!
For the first time in years, I didn't do a darn thing over Christmas break. Well - I didn't do anything that I didn't want to do. Christmas morning was amazing with Savannah. As soon as she saw all the presents by the tree she threw Lovey and Ruff on the floor and wanted down. She pointed at it all and jabbered...she just loved it all. We spent time opening presents, our families came for brunch (and I required guests to bring a dish too!) and were gone by nap time. Carl and I moved all the big Christmas presents (playhouse and kitchen) to their rightful places during those hours. After a fun afternoon and dinner, Savannah went to bed and Carl and I watched a movie. There was no running around frantically cooking and cleaning, no entertaining for hours. It was perfect. I honestly think that was one of the best Christmases I have had in a very long time.
The week following Christmas I did more of nothing. During Savannah's naps I would read (a true joy that I have missed so much!). I ended up finishing two books that week. On New Year's Eve my parents volunteered to watch Savannah. Carl and I took advantage and got the oil changed and tires rotated on my car, went grocery shopping, had a lunch out together (Oh how I love the Beanery!), and took down the outside Christmas lights (I'm not risking having to wait until February again like last year!). We both tried to stay up until midnight, but were both sound asleep by 11:30pm. There's always next year!
Now it's January. I have so much to look forward to in 2011. I am hoping for another pregnancy ending with a new baby. I am scared to death of the possibility. I'll be afraid every time I feel to slightest bit "off"...I just want to be pregnant and happy. I hate the waiting...waiting to get pregnant...waiting to see a doctor...waiting to hear a heartbeat...waiting for an ultrasound. I am normally a very patient person, but I have a feeling the first few months of the next pregnancy will be very difficult for me emotionally.
So Hello 2011, to the possibilities, the growth of Savannah, and the joys and praises to God to come!
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