Thursday, March 31, 2011

I'm Not Foolin'

April will officially arrive tomorrow. That means the darling daughter of my best friends will turn two tomorrow...which also means my darling daughter will turn two in 10 days!

Time goes by us so fast. In preparation for Savannah's big day I've been going through photos and scrapbooks to find the most important things in her life. When I look back at photos of Savannah as a newborn, and then when she was one, and now her 2-year old photos, I am amazed at how much she has grown up and changed. When I was showing my mother-in-law the most recent pictures she said "She looks too grown up!" and I just thought "You're telling me!".

In recent evenings Savannah has been eager to cuddle with me (I fell asleep in her bed again last night...I really, really, have to stop that!). While we were rocking quietly I thought about all the little things I did during Savannah's first year. I tracked just about every little "first". I bought a birthday card for each new month. In the cards I wrote a special message about what she'd done new that month and included a picture of her. I really think I might revisit those cards soon...even though it wasn't that long ago I really couldn't tell you when she first slept through the night, or when she started laughing...those details quickly fade.

Now I have a beautiful toddler who is incredibly gifted in so many ways. Daily I wonder who she will become. She counts...everything...now. The other day I was reading a magazine in the nursery and she was in the floor playing with books. All of the sudden I heard her say, "One...two...three..." and I looked down to see that she was counting books as she took them out of a box...and she counted all the way to 11! Shapes are becoming a popular thing with her too...she tells us often what shape things are, and colors are a must all the time. Everything has a color! She throws a ball well, she kicks a tennis ball well (what crazy coordination), and she can fully use my iPod.

At this point a lot of people would think I'm one of those "bragging moms", but I'm not. I know that many toddlers can probably do the same things...I'm simply amazed that she is doing all of this when a year ago she didn't say much at all and she wasn't quite ready to walk on her own. She has grown. She has changed. She is not a baby anymore.

So where does that leave us? We have a house full of chaos with a toddler, puppy, and four cats. We'd like to add a baby to that chaos...but at this point by the time another baby arrives the puppy with be at least a year old and will have been through 3 obedience classes. The cats will have adjusted. Savannah will be a little bit older and will possibly be potty trained (she pooped in the potty on Tuesday - it's closer than I think!). Will we conceive and carry a baby to full term? I don't know...I pray we will.

The other night at Bible Study we were discussing a part of Exodus (Exodus 32:11) where Moses pleads with the LORD to spare the Israelites. It had been in God's plan to spare Moses only and destroy everyone else. Moses intervened and attempted to show God the bigger picture. And God changed his mind. So what can we learn from this?

God loves us all - that is unchanging. However, prayer can change things. Moses was, essentially, praying for God to spare the Israelites. This is where I become lost. If prayer can change God's mind, why do people pray for a cure for cancer - and still die of it? Why do I suffer two miscarriages when I have been attempting to raise Savannah to follow in the path of Jesus, and would eagerly encourage a second child to do the same?

I've been thinking about those questions a lot during my drive to and from work. I have decided that God does answer prayers (and though He does answer them it isn't always the answer we want) and God does change his mind to answer prayers in the way we hope. But when we pray for something and get a different answer, it doesn't mean God doesn't favor us. It means that the bigger picture doesn't include the answer we want. I still can't control my future, but I do know that because of the two miscarriages there are a lot of very different things in my life now. Hope certainly would not have been welcomed into our home if we had a new baby, or a baby on the way. I wouldn't have gotten help for my anxiety. My story wouldn't have been shared to inspire others. I might not have learned as much at Bible Study.

The bigger picture remains unseen, and will more than likely stay that way for years to come. For now I will pray that this summer becomes a triumphant summer where pregnancy is not elusive and I remain healthy and welcome a second child in the late winter or early spring. If that child is in God's bigger picture, than it will happen. I haven't lost hope yet, I'm dangling from a thread of hope for another child...hopefully I will reach up and be able to stand on a solid foundation of hope soon.

Monday, March 21, 2011

God sent us Hope...

After a week of being a "Puppy Parent", I have decided that God sent us Hope for so many reasons. As a close friend pointed out (Thanks Patrick for the reminder of what a sweet girl I have in Savannah!), raising Savannah has been (for the most part) pretty easy. She weaned herself off the bottle, she transitioned to the crib and then to her big girl bed pretty much on her own, she listens (generally - I mean, she is a toddler!) well, she eats pretty much anything we put on her plate, and she has been one of the healthiest little things I've ever heard of (knock on wood!). We, as parents, have generally felt pretty successful. Of course there are those moments or days when Savannah is like a bat from you know where and our world is quite chaotic...but those aren't too often.

Of course with this success Carl and I have been trying to conceive and see a pregnancy to full term. Unfortunately, that isn't working. But when our spirits are high we often joke that we'll get a difficult child next because Savannah has been so easy.

Well, God sent us a primer for that difficult child...and her name is Hope. I love Hope, she is a wonderfully loving dog. She has such promise to become a full grown, loyal best friend. However, she chews...and cries at night...and chases Savannah...and pees in the floor...and requires more attention than a newborn child. She is demanding and has a little attention span and even less patience.

This week has really opened my eyes to what our house could be like if we have a second child. I had forgotten the days of sleeping for only 1 hour at a time, of soothing a crying baby, of feeding a baby often, changing diapers often, and dealing with a crabby husband after he gets little sleep. Hope is a baby - and almost worse than a human baby because she doesn't wear diapers and can chew up my furniture.

Our house is going through that adjusting period...the cats avoid us, Savannah is jealous, and Carl and I are like zombies some days...which leaves us both in a less-patient mood...which at this point just makes things worse! It has become difficult for me to get much of anything done when I'm home alone with Savannah and Hope alone. I am either detaching Hope from the hew of Savannah's pants (one of Hope's favorite things to chase and catch) or I'm cleaning up pee. It makes preparing a dinner or reading the mail or doing laundry very difficult!

I remember back when I first had Savannah that I wondered how in the world people had more than one child...it seemed so hard to just have one, I couldn't imagine more. Now I know. It's possible, but everything shifts. Savannah is my number one concern and love, but Hope demands attention too. I can't just ignore Hope when she needs to potty just because Savannah wants to read a book. Unfortunately, Savannah doesn't fully agree with that, or understand it.

Now I remember all those times I lost patience with Carl when Savannah was born too. I always felt like he wasn't helping, or that he was angry, or he wasn't around enough. Before Hope, I thought I'd fixed all those problems. I'd just use disposable plates, prepare a bunch of meals ahead of time for the freezer, only do laundry once a week...and while those things will help, new problems will arise. Carl is grouchy when he's woken up at night...and since Hope is "my" dog...I get up with her. Often. I don't think I've gotten more then 3-4 hours of consecutive sleep in the past week. Carl has gotten his beauty sleep - in the basement away from the puppy cries. It's tough. At times I feel alone in the raising of Hope...and I really think God is preparing me for what life could be like with more than one human child.

While I do realize Carl will connect more with a human child of his own than Hope, I also know what he was like with Savannah. There were days that I didn't even want to look at him I was so frustrated. The past week I've had a few scenarios where I've been frustrated. I have a lot to get done before Savannah's birthday (less than 3 weeks now!) and he has been spending just about every spare moment at his mother's. I realize she's trying to sell her house, but our family is going through change right now...and with Hope constantly chasing Savannah, it makes my life pretty much focused on managing the two of them, not planning a party or doing chores! So he's been absent, and for at least 3 or 4 of the past 8 nights, I've had to put Savannah to bed by myself.

It's also become a battle of what's worse for me in the late-night potty trips. I can either get out of bed and take Hope out, or I can ask Carl and have him grumble, shut doors loudly and pretty much wake me up as much as just taking Hope out myself would cause. Recently I've just sided with getting up myself, because then at least he isn't a complete grouch the next day...and I'll get my sleep sometime.

I've always had a feeling that God is preparing us for something. Two miscarriages have been difficult to reconcile in my mind, but at times I truly feel we're being prepared. Our house is now ready (a baby could be delivered by the stork tonight and we'd be ready), our hearts are most definitely ready, and now Hope is preparing us mentally. Our patience, love, communication skills, jealousy-management skills, all of that is being tested right now...we're having to learn on the fly...and it isn't easy.

So I know God sent us Hope for a reason...and I'm excited to see what the future holds for our house!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Breaking a House Rule and Hope

On Saturday night I broke one of the most serious house rules of all time. From the 3rd night in our home, Savannah has slept in the nursery, alone. She preferred it...and all three of us slept better. It has always been like that, even when Savannah moved over to her big girl room.

Saturday I broke that rule. I had already taken my medicine (the one that makes me sleepy) and it was a late bedtime for one reason or another. Savannah and I were reading books in her room...I laid down next to her and we just read books. When she saw that I was in her bed too (twin bed of course) she smiled and put her arm around my neck so that my head rested against her shoulder. Each time we'd finish a book she would get another and then want to lay right back in that position. After the 5th (we read the same 5 every night) book she said "Night Night" and we both just laid there. Every so often Savannah would touch my face and smile at me...but she was quiet and content. Within minutes we were both sound asleep.

Apparently I worried Carl a bit because I didn't come downstairs to watch TV so he went searching and at first didn't see me in bed with Savannah (he didn't want to turn on the light and wake her), and he started checking every single room until he eventually just turned lights on and found me sleeping. It was just so peaceful sleeping next to my little baby...well, little toddler. I haven't been able to cuddle with her while she has been asleep in months.

Around 12:30am I woke up uncomfortable and slipped out of her room and went to my own bed...but sharing those few hours with Savannah were so nice...even though I always said I'd never sleep in the same bed with my child...and I do have to admit, bedtimes have been a little bit more difficult since....so that is one treat that will happen very rarely...even though I'd love to be able to do it more often.

Now for Hope. Our house has needed Hope for a long time. We've had a rough couple of months, and we have a lot of love to share, but we just didn't have enough Hope to move on. Well, last night Carl and I got Hope. And Hope loves us and we love her.

I suppose I should explain...Hope is a 4 1/2 week old black lab puppy. She's the sweetest, kindest little puppy...and her name matches the hope she brings into our lives. She represents all kinds of things for the future. Savannah absolutely adores her...they have already become best buddies! Our oldest cat, Omen, surprised me by liking Hope. He stalked her for a while, but after seeing that she would do no harm he just pretty much ignores her. Cyrus completely ignores the fact that there's even a dog in the house. O'Malley is fine as long as Hope doesn't chase him around. Junebug has had the hardest time adjusting...they're basically the same size and June isn't sure of Hope yet...but in time I think they'll grow to be friends.

Typically I rescue my pets. A dog has become a different thing for us though...when you rescue a dog you don't always know what you're going to get. You can't predict temperament or how he/she will react to cats and children. Hope comes from the home of a friend. Both parents are owed by my friends, and both are wonderful with kids (including a one year old) and cats. We knew Hope should be similar. We know she will become quite the large dog...but we have three floors for her to roam as she grows. We both feel kind of inexperienced as puppy parents...but we'll learn, and she'll learn. She has become the little spark of Hope we needed.

Friday, March 11, 2011

On the Mend

It's time to put on my big girl panties and get back on the horse. I've been at work now for a full week. I've driven back and forth, alone, in rain and shine. I haven't panicked...or really come close to panicking. At the beginning of the week I was very conscious of trying to keep my mind on random things so I wouldn't panic...but today I just drove to work like normal...no worries, no panic. I have laughed more and loved more this week. Last week it was hard to really connect with Savannah...I just felt so detached. This week I have felt amazingly close to her. Snuggling before her bedtime is bliss...and the kisses! I can't get enough of her kisses!

While I've never been one to take medicine (hence the completely natural birth...) I think this is one of the best decisions I've made in a long time. I know that there will probably still be some days that aren't the best...but I really am hoping that the worst days are gone.

Next week (on St. Patrick's Day) I revisit my obgyn (my original, the one who dealt with my pregnancy with Savannah) for a post-op appointment. I really think I'm going to discuss all of what has gone on over the past two months and see what my options are. It is possible she'll tell me to wait to even try until late May or June to even think about trying again...and emotionally I think that's probably best anyway. I also want to know where she stands with blood tests and progesterone supplements...that day may be one of the down days...but maybe not.

The struggle to have children is an amazing path...and I'm constantly reminded of how much I miss a small baby each time I see Savannah, who is quickly becoming a full-blown toddler without any resemblance of a baby. I think maybe that's why I avoided her some of the past few weeks...each moment just struck me as a reminder of what I've lost. But now I'm able to see that I may have lost some things, but I do have so many blessings in my life. So far 2011 hasn't been a good year for my family...but it will be by the end. If another Poland isn't on the way, that will be okay because I know Savannah will be growing and learning and loving just the same.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Social Stigma

Over the past few months I have blogged about several topics...some amusing, some related to crafting, some related to the little antics toddlers try...and some very serious subjects that are usually kept "hush hush".

As I come to terms (finally) with my second consecutive miscarriage, I have been faced with another health issue that I really did not think I would ever suffer - mental instability. My last post concisely includes the fall from normality I faced. It has been scary and difficult to come to terms with any of it. I have always been one of those people who just couldn't understand that mental illness really is an illness. I always just thought, "Why don't they just think differently? Why would anyone think of suicide? There's always something to look forward to.". I assumed it was all in the power of the mind, and my mind would never fail me. But now I realize how silly it is to think like that.

Now that my anxiety has been pushed to the forefront, I have been forced to face all of the root causes.

In kindergarten my mom and I were walking home from the bus stop and a high school student drove by and ended up hitting my mother. She was rushed to the hospital. Thankfully I was not hurt. I had to ride in the ambulance with her and until my dad arrived at the hospital I was told to sit in a conference room with a juice box and a movie to watch. I had no idea what was going on...but my mom was okay. She still suffers some hip/back/neck pain today, but she is fine.

In 4th grade a friend of mine died after he played a basketball game. The cause of death was a brain aneurysm. My dad suffered a brain aneurysm at the age of 19. He lives with some disabilities now, but he lives. As a 4th grader it was scary to see that we are not immortal. I've always been the type A, worry wart that I am now. So naturally I began worrying that I could die of a brain aneurysm. Things went so far that I ended up with a stomach ulcer and the doctors did a CAT scan on me to prove my brain was indeed fine.

The summer before high school started a good friend of mine died in a car accident while exiting the interstate. It was horrible. From that day on I avoided the interstate at all costs...and I didn't use that exit for at least a year after her death.

Then in high school we took a family vacation in Tennessee. We did a lot of hiking and I was constantly on edge watching my dad walk to trails. His main disability is lack of balance. So there we all are on a crazy high trail and my dad is pushing the limits so he can do what everyone else does. I understand his need to push past his disability and do what everyone else does...but my goodness it worried me. By the end of that trip I was so dehydrated that I ended up in the hospital. I am sure the anxiety of the trip is partially what landed me in that position.

After my high school graduation Carl and I were on the interstate heading home from a day of shopping...and had a near accident. My parents were in a car behind us and I instantly feared for them. In the end no one was hurt, but it scary and haunted me for a while.

Now, after facing two miscarriages I have this fear that something is wrong with me, that my body is broken. My anxiety is related to my death or being seriously ill. The doctors have reassured me that I am not dying and that miscarriage can happen without explanation. Driving on the interstate is most definitely a trigger...I have seen a lot of scary things in my childhood. Maybe other people have seen worse things and haven't ended up mental unstable...but for whatever reason I am struggling. It's been hard to face my demons and not allow them to define me.

So I've said it. I'm not 100% myself, I am on medicine for a mental health issue. But I am still the same loving mother of Savannah, am incredibly grateful for the solid support from Carl, and I am not perfect. I'm working towards getting better and that is not something to be ashamed of, but proud of. It is hard to admit that I need help, I almost near admit such a thing. But I want to be a great mom and wife...and I'd like to get past some of these demons in time to think about another pregnancy.

After the 1st miscarriage I said I had found a reason behind it. God knew I wouldn't be in any position to be pregnant last fall. This second miscarriage has taken me a while to understand. But I finally feel as if I can see His plan behind it all. For years (obviously) I have been anxious and in need of some therapy of some kind, but have put it off. I feared being labeled, I feared what I would learn. But this miscarriage pushed me over that edge. Another reason? I have a close friend who is battling some of the same things I am...and keeps trying to solve it herself. I finally have learned that sometimes you can't solve things on your own, and now I am trying to make sure she helps herself as well. I don't know what plans God has in store for my friend or myself, but He obviously wants us healthy and ready...maybe twins in my future?

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Humpy Dumpty...

Over the past week I have felt like Humpty Dumpty.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall...

On Thursday I'm told I need surgery. On Friday I have surgery. On Saturday I do a little shopping and feel okay...until that night.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall...

Then I panic. On Sunday I can't get out of bed. I don't want to go to church. I don't want to move. I finally make it church but sit in the car crying instead of going inside. I finally manage to go sit in the "crying room" to hear the service, but leave before anyone can see me. By Monday around noon we'd called the doctor 5 times. We finally spoke with my OBGYN, and she prescribed me an anti-anxiety and anti-depressant. I was hoping to start taking them Tuesday morning, but around dinner on Monday I just knew I needed to do something to help myself, so I started the medicine. Monday was also 2/28 - the due date for my first miscarriage.

All the King's horses and all the King's men...


This is where my story differs from the nursery rhyme. I will survive, I will be strong, I will get through this. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Friday, and I'm sure that will be tough. There were so many hardships that I faced in the past few weeks...it's all been very overwhelming...but the medicine is helping. I've gone to work for a bit, I've gone to Bible Study, I've gone to the store...and I have survived and not panicked. I can make it. My story will end differently.

DID put Humpty together again!