Monday, October 31, 2011

Another Year Older...

It's official. I'm old. I told Savannah that and her response, in dead pan seriousness, was "That's true.".

I've been really kind of weepy about growing older over the past few days. I finally scrapbooked pages for Savannah's 2nd birthday on Saturday morning. When I put those new pages into her scrapbook, I automatically looked through the pages from her first birthday. Carl and I looked like teenagers then, compared to now. The past 18 months have really aged us. We've been through a lot, as well as a busy toddler to chase!

I also have visited with good friends who have younger kiddos. Both are around 12 months old...but I still can't believe the differences in a one year old and a two and half year old. Seeing both little ones makes me extremely happy, but it also has given me a lot of things to reflect on.

When I was pregnant with Savannah, I enjoyed every single second of it. I almost didn't want it to be over when she was born. I loved it! I loved the attention, the belly, the excitement...I loved it all. This time around I do love being pregnant - and I still am going to have the belly, the attention, and the excitement (what is more exciting than finding out boy or girl on the actual birth day?!)...but I am not going to miss it at all. I am so looking forward to the end prize that the pregnancy has just become the way to get to that end goal.

I told Carl (again, teary eyed) that I am so looking forward to celebrating and documenting all of the firsts of a second child...the first smile, first food, first laugh, first steps, all of it. I cannot wait for those moments. And on top of that, I can't wait to see Savannah enjoy all of it with us! She will be there for all of Luke/Ella's big events...I am just so incredibly excited to see my children grow together and love each other and support each other. I know there will be days that they have a completely different lifestyle in mind...but I know there will be moments in their sibling history that will make me one proud mama.

So all of those moments are what all of this waiting is for. I know I have to wait until February/March...I want a healthy baby after all...but I also will be so excited for this pregnancy to be over...not because I don't enjoy it, because I sincerely do love every second...but because of what the end of pregnancy will mean...the beginning of a whole new life...one that I am blessed to watch and culture and enjoy...it is just such a special, special feeling to be a mama.

Again, I still say no #3 in our house...pregnancy hasn't been kind to me over the last 18 months...but maybe when Luke/Ella is 2 1/2 and I'm missing all of those little firsts again...maybe I will change my mind...but for now, we are thrilled and blessed with Savannah, and SO excited to open our arms to Luke/Ella this winter!

Friday, October 21, 2011

Baby on the Mind

It's official...I'm 20 weeks pregnant! A year ago I was wondering when Carl and I would start trying again, not knowing that our second attempt at a second child would fail again. Now I am halfway to meeting my little Luke or Ella!

We had an ultrasound on Wednesday, and much to the display of several friends and family, Carl and I looked away (even though I said I didn't think I would be able to look away) when the tech measured the lower spine and legs. Now we won't know until late February or early March...unless there is a need for an ultrasound later on. I'm going to be so incredibly ready to meet this little one...we've had 4 ultrasounds in the first 20 weeks...and now I have to wait until he/she arrives before I get to see him/her again! I am comforted by the baby kicks though...I know that I'm growing a little soccer star, one way or another!

Since the beginning of this pregnancy I have said that I think we're going to welcome a son...and then I dreamed of a boy last week...and after the ultrasound I just feel so much more connected to this child...I just feel it in my gut that we're going to have a boy. (I did not see the gender, I just have this intense feeling!) As I drove to work after the ultrasound, it really hit me. I might really be having a boy! I don't know what to do with a boy! I don't know how to raise a boy! So many thoughts flooded my mind...would Savannah play well with a brother? Will I know how to care for a boy? Will I connect as easily to a boy (as I have with Savannah)? Will I force hugs and kisses on a boy that doesn't want them? The whole freaking-out-about-having-a-boy thing makes me think even more that I really am having a boy. Although Carl will say he would like a boy...and while I used to say it'd be nice to have a boy and a girl...now I'm kind of thinking, I know what to do with girls..I'd rather a girl! Then I feel guilty about "wanting" either...I'm just praying for a baby that's healthy!

Last night I went through and packed up Savannah's little sentimental things that were still in the nursery closet...her little Christening cap, her baby books, the photo frame that people signed at the baby shower for her...I packed it all in a tub and labeled it...and moved it to a shelf in our bedroom. I had to make space for the next round of sentimental items. I cleaned up the nursery...made it usable. The bumpers are off the crib (they had been there for decoration) and I took the mobile off the crib...which caused an immense amount of confusion on Carl's part! I think I had him put the mobile on the crib about a month ago, so when I insisted it come off the crib now he was confused. Then I didn't want it just off, but given away or thrown away...and he kept repeating that I just had him put it there a few weeks ago...but I explained that I had been reading my blog from when Savannah was tiny...and I had commented about how much I hated the mobile because it always woke her up (a detail I must have forgotten until I read the blog!). So that is why it had to go...plus I'd been looking at it for a month and it just didn't look right...I don't know...call it crazy pregnancy hormones! So now the double stroller needs to be put together and gotten out of the nursery (it's been there in "storage" for probably almost a year). Clothes need washed...meals need prepared and frozen...diapers need bought...but other than that we are ready (well, at least in the sense of a room being ready...)

Not only have I been more emotional during this pregnancy (there are days that I must look like I've been crying the entire day!) but I have noticed so many differences in the pregnancy itself. I am carrying completely different. I always used to think my belly looked like a basketball when I was pregnant with Savannah...but now I see that I was defintely more of a "watermelon" type belly with Savannah. I totally have a basketball belly now. It's most apparent when I lay on my back...it looks like I just set a ball right on top of my stomach.

While that's cute - it's become more uncomfortable than before. Doctors always tell pregnant women not to sleep on their backs as the uterus grows heavier because it can pinch nerves, etc...well, I still could easily sleep on my back with Savannah...it never woke me up or bothered me. Long gone are those days! I can't even lay on the couch or in bed on my back just to read a book for very long! I get this pain in my back that is only relieved when I turn over...so some of my favorite evening activities (facebooking and reading) are now limited to being able to sit comfortably in a chair. At my ultrasound I was laying on my back for 20-30 minutes while all of Luke/Ella's little parts were measured...and I hurt then! I also have a lot of the round ligament pain. If I get up too fast, or roll over in bed, or just move unexpectedly I have a sharp pain for a second or two...all due to the weight of this baby and how he or she is sitting.

And yet another difference: the belly size. I think the size difference is really more noticeable because I'm carrying differently...not only do I have a little basketball, but this baby is much lower. Savannah used to be all up in my ribs and lungs...I always felt so out of breath! This baby...nope...he/she wants me to breathe, but also wants to make sure I take several trips to the bathroom! Everything is so much lower...I feel most of the movement at my belly button or lower...it is just crazy how different it is! I measure my belly once a week for the pregnancy scrapbook (just as I did with Savannah) and at 24 weeks with Savannah I was close to 40 inches....well, I'm 20 weeks and already at 40 inches!

So this whole carrying differently thing is interesting to say the least...for the most part I was able to paint my toes up until the very end of pregnancy with Savannah...but again, she was higher up and more stretched across my belly...well, I'm already having trouble shaving in the shower, and really, there's no way my toes are getting painted by me anymore. Which is a total bummer! For an idea of how hard those simple things have become, just get a basketball, sit on the floor, place the ball right against your stomach when you bend at the hips...and then try reaching your toes in any kind of elegant fashion! Again, it's not that my belly is giant...just..cumbersome.

So not only is sleep becoming more difficult (I don't ever remember it this tiring when I was pregnant with Savannah!) due to the lack of sleep on my back...but that means I have to turn over often. Now picture this...you are sleeping on your left side, and want to turn over to sleep on your right side...the easiest way to turn over is with your belly down (or at least that is how I have turned over for all of my life!). Well, now picture laying on your left with a basketball against your stomach again...and try to turn over with that basketball staying right against your stomach...you have turn over with your belly up, or you have to sit up, clear your stomach of the bed, and lay down again. The whole turning the other direction wakes me up because it isn't natural...and the whole sitting up to turn over wakes me up too...and then I have to pee because this baby sits so low!

Didn't I just say, "I'm already 20 weeks, I'm halfway there!"...at midnight when I can't sleep I'm saying, "I'm only 20 weeks, I'm only halfway there?"...

Don't get me wrong...I love this. I love each and every moment of it. I love the kicks to my hand, the little baby squirming that starts the instant I drink hot cocoa (a new craving), I love the pregnancy, and I love the fact that I will be a mom times two soon...but that still doesn't mean it's glamorous. I'm not complaining...I'm just sharing each and every little moment...because this could be the last time I'm pregnant...and I don't want these details to fade away (like the hatred of the mobile did).

Friday, October 14, 2011

Baby Dreams

So I have dreamed about Baby Poland twice in the past week. Monday night I dreamed of a naked baby, chubby and adorable - like a cherub. There were sparkling eyes and chubby cheeks...I remember trying to figure out if it was Luke or Ella...but I woke up without knowing. It was just a short dream, maybe 2 minutes. I could just see Baby Poland sitting there, smiling, in this glowing light. That is all I remember.

Last night I had a much more vivid, although strange, dream. Carl and I were traveling to Iran (I know - completely strange!) and I was VERY pregnant, due any day. When we got there I just fell into bed asleep. The next thing I remember is Carl waking me up and saying, "Michelle, you delivered the baby in your sleep! You didn't wake up at all!" I was confused and couldn't believe it, but there he was, holding our baby. He'd called for a nurse, who came to see if I was okay, and she determined I needed to go to the hospital, and I remember at that point that it was painful. Then my grandfather from Ohio and my coworker who recently lost her husband came in. They were so excited to hear that our baby was born. It is then that I learned the gender...Carl told my grandfather that it was Luke and my grandfather raised him up to hold him. He had a ton of hair! Then I woke up.

So strange...so very, very strange. I'm not sure where all those details emerged from...I know I told Carl before bed that I'd taken 3 quizzes yesterday on the baby's gender (the silly ones online) and all three said boy. And around midnight I woke up and Carl was still up watching TV...and my mouth was so dry because I'd been sleeping with my mouth open because I have a cold and can't breathe through my nose...and I told him I was thirsty...so he went and got me a can of Cherry Coke...which I drank in 5 minutes...and then I told him I was still thirsty...so he went and got me a can of Sierra Mist...which I then drank again in 5 minutes...then I went right back to sleep...and didn't wake up until my alarm went off...so after drinking all that fluid, I didn't even wake up for 6 hours to go to the bathroom...which is also really strange for a pregnant lady! It was during those 6 hours that I dreamed of Baby Poland.

Anyway...now Carl really is convinced it's a boy. We shall see in February/March! :0)

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Growth and Change

I think I'd like to believe that the miscarriage pain and change and hurt is gone...but I don't think it is. I think parts of that year of horror will stay with me for the rest of my life. I also think it has changed me, in many ways.

I appreciate this pregnancy much, much more than I ever appreciated the pregnancy with Savannah. I don't love this child any more or less than Savannah, but I have been reminding myself daily to enjoy the little moments of it all.

I also think I will be one of the "nervous first-time mom" types with this second child. We were so relaxed with Savannah because we were so confident that things always work out...well now we know that things don't always go the way you want or plan...so I have a feeling we will be more cautious and nervous the second time around...I will fret over the little things that I just brushed off with Savannah.

Not only has my parenting style been changed...but I think my priorities in life in general have changed immensely. I hate to say that my experiences have changed me a lot...but it has shaped my ideas about a lot of things - like Hope. Making the decision to find her a new home was a difficult one...one that included many, many tears...and there still are tears...but I know I did the best for my family, for Hope, and for everyone involved. It was tough to do, letting go of something you love...but I had to really look at the dynamics of our household...and think about what they would be like this spring, with a second child involved. I think that is when the decision became final for me...I value my children so VERY much...more than anything in this world...and to think about a house of arguing parents (Carl crated Hope more than I'd like, which always ended in a squabble between the two of us.) with two small children broke my heart...I have worked SO VERY HARD to get to this point...to have two children...I don't want to miss a moment with either child or to have a house of unhappiness...and so, unfortunately that meant a new home for Hope. I realize that Carl and I will still disagree on things...but that was just one of many factors...I guess I've become jaded about things...I don't know...I appreciate the lives God granted us much more than ever before.

While pets are family, they still aren't my children...so I had to make a decision for our household...and when the decision was made, I made a responsible choice in a new home for Hope...which I'd like to add sounds like much more fun and love for Hope than our house ever did!

I know that everyone doesn't agree with me...and that's okay. I just hope others can see our reasons and know we made the best choice for our own household and for Hope.