Well, it's almost time to wish 2011 goodbye. I wish I could say I'm sad to see the year change...but I'm not. It has been a completely emotional journey this year. The emotional high of being pregnant, the low of miscarrying, the extra low of facing anxiety and depression, and then the highs again of birthdays and pregnancy.
Savannah has transformed from a toddler to more of a preschooler...she has opinions and attitudes and independence...she looks and acts so different from last year. She is almost potty trained (I so wish this wasn't a months long process with her - I half blame myself for the set backs though.) She counts, sings all kinds of songs...and even adds now! We are working on adding small numbers...I hold up fingers on each hand and she has learned how to add the fingers by counting them all as a set...it's just ridiculous what she knows. She recites the Lord's Prayer with me at night, as well as thanks God for all kinds of things I leave out ("Thank you for my fan, for mommy's glasses, for my doll,...")
Carl and I have survived (and at times thrived) a year of hardships...we are still in love, still love our family, and are excited for another year together. In February we will have been "together" for 10 years - now that is hard to believe! Carl had wanted to surprise me with a trip to New York City for Valentine's Day (the spot we started dating)...but I'll be 37 weeks pregnant - no way I'm leaving Morgantown!! Our 5th wedding anniversary is in June, but we won't be doing much. I know I won't want to leave Savannah and Luke/Ella that soon.
It's not to say that our family hasn't struggled some...outside of the whole miscarriage thing. We are busy as always, we argue over in-laws and silly things...and he has recently decided to take on another responsibility outside of the home. He's decided to join others in a group that has a lot of meetings...which is much to my dismay. He has "business" meetings twice a month in the evenings (honestly what kind of group needs to meet that often?!), in addition to meeting with one of the more senior members once a week for at least the next 6 weeks. This is all in addition to Bible Study (which I will be giving up - sitting in a hard chair for an hour has become too difficult) that means every other week he will be gone 3 nights in a row and then on off weeks he'll be gone 2 nights a week....AND he is still supposed to work as usual and he takes care of his mother's responsibilities as well...just where Savannah, myself, and Luke/Ella fit in I'm not sure. It's been a point of contention at our house for sure...it isn't so much that I hate it, I hate the time it takes from family...and the family is growing into a family of 4 soon. He just has terrible timing and doesn't want to hear anything I have to say about it.
The other day was a day that Savannah and I stayed home all day, and around 2:00 Carl called to tell me he was going to one of those meetings at 7:00...which was really irritating. If I had known he was going to be gone at night, Savannah and I would have gone out in the day, just to break up all the time spent together at home...so I wasn't happy about it. Then he worked until a little after 6:00...so I had basically 25 minutes alone that day...and he said he'd be back at 8:00, so if I wanted to wait to do bedtime so he could help (bath time is becoming really cumbersome...I honestly don't think I can lift her out of the tub anymore) I could wait...so I did. At 8:30 he wasn't home, so I called. He said he'd be home soon...Savannah eventually fell asleep on the couch waiting for her dad. I had to sit in the living room with her until he got home since I can't carry her up the stairs...that was around 10:15. All day Savannah asked for her dad, and then when she asked for him to play with her Little People with her I told her he had to leave again and she started to cry and told him she didn't want him to leave...and then when she was trying to stay awake for him she kept saying "I need my daddy"...it just makes it really hard to see and hear that and know that he is making that choice, to be gone. Then the days after he's been gone her behavior is worse...which is just lovely when I'm home with her all day and can't do things she wants me to (like carry her and crawl around and get up and down in the floor with her...). When he was getting ready to leave that night I started crying...it was just too much to handle emotionally. Savannah was upset, I definitely was tired and needed a break...and Carl was eager to leave. I just wish he could switch with me for one day and realize what it's like. Savannah saw me crying and came running over...and she seemed almost panicked, like she didn't know what to do since I was the one crying. She suddenly said, "Oh I know! I get my wee rabbit!" (Lovey), and she brought it to me and asked if I was better. I told her I was, but she got her stuffed dog too, just in case. I know we're raising a wonderfully caring little girl when she does stuff like that...but it is still so hard to not cry about the other things in life.
I don't know...I guess I'm jaded some. I've lost two children and know that I will never get to spend time with them...and then Carl makes choices to leave the house and the family he should want to be near. I understand that we can't be with our kids 24 hours a day, every day...we have to work to pay for our house and food...we also need breaks occasionally...and our kids need to do things without us sometimes so they can learn how to become responsible citizens of society...but night after night is ridiculous.
So what will come in the next 10 weeks? We'll be blessed with another child...but I also remember the first 10 months of Savannah's life were the hardest months of our marriage...and Carl wasn't taking care of his mother's responsibilities or joining some "elite only" group that requires insane amounts of time...so I foresee it to be worse. Hopefully I'm strong enough to survive, and he's smart enough to make better decisions.
Here's to hoping 2012 is full of joy, happiness, and love to everyone!
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Holidays!
There are times when I am reminded of why I work where I do, for the smaller salary than my peers. Times like now. I may not earn what most Industrial Engineers with a Master's Degree would make...but I have this week and next to spend with Savannah...one week is vacation days and the other is just holiday for the entire University. It has been such a blessing!
Savannah and I have had a busy first 3 days of our vacation together. We have shopped...and shopped...and shopped for Christmas presents. We have then wrapped the presents (Carl's are all the same color wrapping paper, ribbon, and bow thanks to her!). We've made gingerbread cookies, and colored in wooden ornaments for her own little tree, and we've cleaned the house...and organized some things for Baby Luke/Ella's arrival. We have been busy - but it has been amazingly fun. Today on our way to pick up my mom (to go shopping with us yet again) Savannah said, "We're going to Grandma's?" and I told her yes, and she said "I don't want you to leave me there."...I know most certainly that wasn't a slight to my parents - it was a plus to my side. She just loves being with me since I've been able to play with her more. I am truly blessed to have these two weeks with her...knowing that in 11 weeks or less she will be forced to share her time with me.
Of course, life with a toddler isn't always perfect. We've been working on two big issues at our house recently - potty training and bedtime. Potty training is going well. She has been dry for over a week with maybe 1 or 2 accidents total. Saturday and Monday we were away from the house for the entire day, and she was dry the entire time. We don't ask her, she just tells us. This morning she told me she needed to go to the potty, so we headed that way. She got side-tracked by the Santa advent we have and said she wanted candy. I told her she had to use the potty first...well she didn't want that. So I just went about making breakfast and told her that the advent wouldn't get opened until she used the potty. About a minute later she runs past me to the potty, got her pants down on her own, and used the potty all by herself! I had to help with the clean-up, but she did it all by herself! I was so happy for her. She most definitely isn't 100% trained...but we're a lot closer than we used to be!
As for bedtime...well...she used to be so good about bedtime. We'd put her in her room awake and she would fall asleep all on her own. Then it turned into something much different...and for the past 2 weeks it had been she falls asleep in our bed and at some point Carl would carry her to her room. The nursery was also a place for us to read together...but there's a lot that's going to be happening in the coming weeks that means none of that is good...and in reality, baby or no baby, Savannah needed to get back to her routine. I'm not sure how we got out of that good routine...I know some of it was Nana would watch her on Tuesday nights and stay in her room with her until she fell asleep...and then when we were traveling she'd be in the same room with us...and then she was afraid of the dark...and we'd be busy and out past bedtime...it just got out of hand. So I have taken this opportunity of vacation to work on that. Last night was the first night of enforcement. We had Nana give her a bath at 7:45 so that when we got back from Bible Study she'd be ready for bed. After Nana left, Carl and I read books in Savannah's room. At first she just refused for us to read to her in there...so she went out in the hall. Carl and I just kept reading to her toys and eventually she climbed up to read with us. Then after a brief cuddle we left the room...and so did Savannah. She would cry and tell us she didn't like her room...and she'd be back at our bedroom door...it took 6 trips back to her bed before we just closed our door and waited...she cried outside the door for about 5 minutes. Then it was quiet...so I took my shower. After I got out of the shower Carl said he still hadn't heard a peep from her. I expected to look in the hall and find her in the floor. But to my surprise, she had gone back to her own bed and fallen asleep. So by 9:30 I know she was asleep, but my guess is she was asleep around 9:00...which still is late for a two year old.
So tonight, Carl is out. I was dreading the bedtime battle alone...but I gave her a warning at 7:10 that we'd get a back in a few minutes. She just said okay. Then I gave her a 10 minute warning, and then a 5 minute, and then a two minute. When it was time to go upstairs at 7:45 she just told her toys night-night and got her lovey and headed for the steps. Once we were upstairs she said she was going to "feed" her stuffed Clifford while I got her bath ready...so I said okay and we each did our little jobs. When it was time for bath I cleaned up her tea party stuff, and she didn't fuss. She got into the bath, washed her face and her hair. When we put on PJs I told her that we needed to brush her teeth next (that's usually Carl's job at night). She said, "You are going to brush my teeth because my Daddy isn't here.". So she was fine with that and with brushing her hair. When it was time to read books she tried crying about not using her room again, and stood in the hall...but I just read to her toys. By the second book she was curious enough to come sit with me. So we read all her books and said our prayers. I asked if she wanted to cuddle, and she did. So we got all her toys cuddled in bed with her. I stayed next to her for about 2 minutes, and then told her it was time for me to go. I said my "I love yous" and "night night" and she said, "I love you too. Night night.". I was back to my bedroom by 8:22 and she never once got out of bed. No crying, no fighting, no trips back and forth.
So now it's up to us to keep this routine and make sure everyone is on the same page with it. Carl and I need to be better about not staying out with her past bedtime. I've also decided to stop attending Bible Study...not necessarily because I don't think Nana can handle it, but because it's getting hard to sit in a folding chair for an hour straight...and once the baby is here things are going to get all wacky...and Carl and I both don't want to leave Nana with Savannah and Luke/Ella...that would just be a lot for her. So Carl will continue on, but I will step out for a while.
I know bedtime isn't always going to go smoothly, but I am so, so happy that Savannah made it easy on me tonight. I am exhausted, and I had blood work drawn today (glucola test - the high number that would signal the 3 hour test is 134, I came in at 119), and I just wanted to be able to get it done without crying and pushing buttons. I'm one happy mama now that I have a sleeping toddler before 8:30pm again!!
Savannah and I have had a busy first 3 days of our vacation together. We have shopped...and shopped...and shopped for Christmas presents. We have then wrapped the presents (Carl's are all the same color wrapping paper, ribbon, and bow thanks to her!). We've made gingerbread cookies, and colored in wooden ornaments for her own little tree, and we've cleaned the house...and organized some things for Baby Luke/Ella's arrival. We have been busy - but it has been amazingly fun. Today on our way to pick up my mom (to go shopping with us yet again) Savannah said, "We're going to Grandma's?" and I told her yes, and she said "I don't want you to leave me there."...I know most certainly that wasn't a slight to my parents - it was a plus to my side. She just loves being with me since I've been able to play with her more. I am truly blessed to have these two weeks with her...knowing that in 11 weeks or less she will be forced to share her time with me.
Of course, life with a toddler isn't always perfect. We've been working on two big issues at our house recently - potty training and bedtime. Potty training is going well. She has been dry for over a week with maybe 1 or 2 accidents total. Saturday and Monday we were away from the house for the entire day, and she was dry the entire time. We don't ask her, she just tells us. This morning she told me she needed to go to the potty, so we headed that way. She got side-tracked by the Santa advent we have and said she wanted candy. I told her she had to use the potty first...well she didn't want that. So I just went about making breakfast and told her that the advent wouldn't get opened until she used the potty. About a minute later she runs past me to the potty, got her pants down on her own, and used the potty all by herself! I had to help with the clean-up, but she did it all by herself! I was so happy for her. She most definitely isn't 100% trained...but we're a lot closer than we used to be!
As for bedtime...well...she used to be so good about bedtime. We'd put her in her room awake and she would fall asleep all on her own. Then it turned into something much different...and for the past 2 weeks it had been she falls asleep in our bed and at some point Carl would carry her to her room. The nursery was also a place for us to read together...but there's a lot that's going to be happening in the coming weeks that means none of that is good...and in reality, baby or no baby, Savannah needed to get back to her routine. I'm not sure how we got out of that good routine...I know some of it was Nana would watch her on Tuesday nights and stay in her room with her until she fell asleep...and then when we were traveling she'd be in the same room with us...and then she was afraid of the dark...and we'd be busy and out past bedtime...it just got out of hand. So I have taken this opportunity of vacation to work on that. Last night was the first night of enforcement. We had Nana give her a bath at 7:45 so that when we got back from Bible Study she'd be ready for bed. After Nana left, Carl and I read books in Savannah's room. At first she just refused for us to read to her in there...so she went out in the hall. Carl and I just kept reading to her toys and eventually she climbed up to read with us. Then after a brief cuddle we left the room...and so did Savannah. She would cry and tell us she didn't like her room...and she'd be back at our bedroom door...it took 6 trips back to her bed before we just closed our door and waited...she cried outside the door for about 5 minutes. Then it was quiet...so I took my shower. After I got out of the shower Carl said he still hadn't heard a peep from her. I expected to look in the hall and find her in the floor. But to my surprise, she had gone back to her own bed and fallen asleep. So by 9:30 I know she was asleep, but my guess is she was asleep around 9:00...which still is late for a two year old.
So tonight, Carl is out. I was dreading the bedtime battle alone...but I gave her a warning at 7:10 that we'd get a back in a few minutes. She just said okay. Then I gave her a 10 minute warning, and then a 5 minute, and then a two minute. When it was time to go upstairs at 7:45 she just told her toys night-night and got her lovey and headed for the steps. Once we were upstairs she said she was going to "feed" her stuffed Clifford while I got her bath ready...so I said okay and we each did our little jobs. When it was time for bath I cleaned up her tea party stuff, and she didn't fuss. She got into the bath, washed her face and her hair. When we put on PJs I told her that we needed to brush her teeth next (that's usually Carl's job at night). She said, "You are going to brush my teeth because my Daddy isn't here.". So she was fine with that and with brushing her hair. When it was time to read books she tried crying about not using her room again, and stood in the hall...but I just read to her toys. By the second book she was curious enough to come sit with me. So we read all her books and said our prayers. I asked if she wanted to cuddle, and she did. So we got all her toys cuddled in bed with her. I stayed next to her for about 2 minutes, and then told her it was time for me to go. I said my "I love yous" and "night night" and she said, "I love you too. Night night.". I was back to my bedroom by 8:22 and she never once got out of bed. No crying, no fighting, no trips back and forth.
So now it's up to us to keep this routine and make sure everyone is on the same page with it. Carl and I need to be better about not staying out with her past bedtime. I've also decided to stop attending Bible Study...not necessarily because I don't think Nana can handle it, but because it's getting hard to sit in a folding chair for an hour straight...and once the baby is here things are going to get all wacky...and Carl and I both don't want to leave Nana with Savannah and Luke/Ella...that would just be a lot for her. So Carl will continue on, but I will step out for a while.
I know bedtime isn't always going to go smoothly, but I am so, so happy that Savannah made it easy on me tonight. I am exhausted, and I had blood work drawn today (glucola test - the high number that would signal the 3 hour test is 134, I came in at 119), and I just wanted to be able to get it done without crying and pushing buttons. I'm one happy mama now that I have a sleeping toddler before 8:30pm again!!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Mixed Bag of Emotions
So I am officially entering the 3rd trimester. I saw a lot of old friends this weekend at Carl's company holiday party. It was so nice to see so many people who I care for - and they all had questions about Luke/Ella. I think I answered the "Girl or boy?" question about a million times. I also was asked about the due date, how was I handling the nursery if I don't know pink or blue, how does Savannah feel about it, and even more questions. I enjoyed all the curiosity and well wishes, but it also reminded me of the little time we have left to enjoy pregnancy...especially if this is my last. At times I enjoy the sensation of Luke/Ella moving around and kicking and generally letting me know that he/she wants some more space...but then there are times (like last night) when I feel so nauseous that the extra kicking and rolling doesn't help the ill feeling. I dread the recovery of it all...but I cannot wait for the baby...it is just still so surreal.
And I still keep being reminded, even if subtly, that I have lost two children since we were blessed with Savannah. At the party we saw several couples that now have two children, or will have two within weeks. We were the first of all of those couples to have a child...so since Savannah's birth they have gotten pregnant and delivered healthy children. I don't mind the timing, I am really happy about the way things are working out. God always knows best. I'm just sad about the two children I didn't meet.
I think the pain of losing two will be with me forever...I had hoped that being pregnant would help...and it has...but last night Carl and I started watching "One Born Every Minute" again...it really is such a truthful and touching show. I love it...even though I cry every time I watch it. Last night we caught up on the first two episodes of the new season...and there was one woman on there that had gone through two miscarriages and a still birth...and she was finally in there to deliver her baby at 36 weeks (which was another eek moment - that's only 8 weeks away for me!). When the baby was finally born she just cried and cried and it was just SO emotional...and I cried right along with her. I cannot imagine what she has been through...even with my own history I can't imagine it.
Our good friend Patrick was at the house, watching the show too (I think he just allows the pregnant one to control the remote out of sweetness.). He isn't a dad yet, and hasn't really been through the hospital routine of it all...which I think allowed Carl to feel kind of special because he could fill Patrick in on all the things that happen...the boring parts and the gross parts too. But I think Patrick was really watching me for signs of breakdown...I'm sure Carl was too, but he knows what to expect.
It also spurred a lot of conversation that I know I need to start thinking about, but I've avoided. Carl and I always marvel at how on the show, the dads are always bored out of their minds waiting for something to happen...hardly can sit still or sleep a lot or eat a lot...and we just laugh because by the time we got to the hospital, Carl barely had time to go to the car to get our bags and get the camera set up before it was time for him to help me push...like he barely had time to call the parents and let them know we were there. He just told them that if they wanted to see me before Savannah arrived, they'd better hurry up. He didn't eat a thing until after Savannah's birth because we got out of bed that morning and sped to the hospital and it all happened SO fast. And so natural. We never had doctors fretting over low heart beats, or less baby activity...it was just so amazingly smooth sailing. Never once was anyone ever panicked...it was just so perfect. I have thought about that day a lot. That was a true gift from God too. I was able to fully enjoy (and yes suffer) through the natural birth of Savannah. So many women want that, and don't get it. We truly did have an amazing birthing experience...so after watching these shows with Patrick, he of course asked all about how things went with Savannah...which of course led to the conversation of, "Do you think that will happen again this time?".
I'd like to say "Yes it will."...but I know every child and pregnancy and birth is unique. I may be one of those with a body built for having babies...but who knows. I do know that it's quite possible things will move faster this time. Which in itself is scary because Savannah was born 24 hours after the first inkling of "Is that what a contraction feels like?" But will it be as easy? Maybe, maybe not. This baby might be bigger than Savannah was(usually the second child is) which could make a natural childbirth a little bit more difficult. I could not go into labor on my own, I might need a c-section, my blood pressure might drop...there is just so much that can happen that we can't predict...and while I would like to think we have time to discuss our "plan" for everything...it really isn't that far away. I will be 28 weeks on Thursday...the baby (according to estimates) is already around 2 - 2.5 pounds and 15 inches...if I go into labor 9 weeks from now, they won't stop me. There's a lot to decide before then...a lot to discuss. A lot to fear, a lot to rejoice.
When we were watching the mother who had lost 3 children (all of that happened to her in 3 years too), Patrick said "How would you decide when to stop trying?"...and that is the name of the game at our house...which I told Pat. It becomes this weight that you try to balance...what if you are successful? What if you're not? What happens emotionally to the house that loses yet another child? It has been such a difficult path...and I certainly know we aren't the only people in the world with a path like this...or worse.
So emotionally I'm kind of a wreck. I'm excited, I'm fearful, I'm scared, I'm sad...12 more weeks...or less. The home stretch. At church yesterday, a tiny baby was baptized...he was just a few months old. Savannah was baptized when she was just over 2 months old. Carl and I have had plans, since before conception of Luke/Ella, to have him/her baptized the first Sunday we aren't in the hospital. I just think this baby is such a gift from God, we're going to immediately give him/her back to God. I know some people think we're crazy, taking a baby that is days old, to church, in the middle of winter...but it is something we feel strongly about. I eagerly await that Sunday where we can announce the birth of our child and dedicate him/her to God...it will be a glorious day for sure.
Every day I am reminded of how many others are worse off than I am...and because of that I keep going, not allowing myself to wallow in pity...but it is hard some days...but I am blessed. For that, I am thankful.
And I still keep being reminded, even if subtly, that I have lost two children since we were blessed with Savannah. At the party we saw several couples that now have two children, or will have two within weeks. We were the first of all of those couples to have a child...so since Savannah's birth they have gotten pregnant and delivered healthy children. I don't mind the timing, I am really happy about the way things are working out. God always knows best. I'm just sad about the two children I didn't meet.
I think the pain of losing two will be with me forever...I had hoped that being pregnant would help...and it has...but last night Carl and I started watching "One Born Every Minute" again...it really is such a truthful and touching show. I love it...even though I cry every time I watch it. Last night we caught up on the first two episodes of the new season...and there was one woman on there that had gone through two miscarriages and a still birth...and she was finally in there to deliver her baby at 36 weeks (which was another eek moment - that's only 8 weeks away for me!). When the baby was finally born she just cried and cried and it was just SO emotional...and I cried right along with her. I cannot imagine what she has been through...even with my own history I can't imagine it.
Our good friend Patrick was at the house, watching the show too (I think he just allows the pregnant one to control the remote out of sweetness.). He isn't a dad yet, and hasn't really been through the hospital routine of it all...which I think allowed Carl to feel kind of special because he could fill Patrick in on all the things that happen...the boring parts and the gross parts too. But I think Patrick was really watching me for signs of breakdown...I'm sure Carl was too, but he knows what to expect.
It also spurred a lot of conversation that I know I need to start thinking about, but I've avoided. Carl and I always marvel at how on the show, the dads are always bored out of their minds waiting for something to happen...hardly can sit still or sleep a lot or eat a lot...and we just laugh because by the time we got to the hospital, Carl barely had time to go to the car to get our bags and get the camera set up before it was time for him to help me push...like he barely had time to call the parents and let them know we were there. He just told them that if they wanted to see me before Savannah arrived, they'd better hurry up. He didn't eat a thing until after Savannah's birth because we got out of bed that morning and sped to the hospital and it all happened SO fast. And so natural. We never had doctors fretting over low heart beats, or less baby activity...it was just so amazingly smooth sailing. Never once was anyone ever panicked...it was just so perfect. I have thought about that day a lot. That was a true gift from God too. I was able to fully enjoy (and yes suffer) through the natural birth of Savannah. So many women want that, and don't get it. We truly did have an amazing birthing experience...so after watching these shows with Patrick, he of course asked all about how things went with Savannah...which of course led to the conversation of, "Do you think that will happen again this time?".
I'd like to say "Yes it will."...but I know every child and pregnancy and birth is unique. I may be one of those with a body built for having babies...but who knows. I do know that it's quite possible things will move faster this time. Which in itself is scary because Savannah was born 24 hours after the first inkling of "Is that what a contraction feels like?" But will it be as easy? Maybe, maybe not. This baby might be bigger than Savannah was(usually the second child is) which could make a natural childbirth a little bit more difficult. I could not go into labor on my own, I might need a c-section, my blood pressure might drop...there is just so much that can happen that we can't predict...and while I would like to think we have time to discuss our "plan" for everything...it really isn't that far away. I will be 28 weeks on Thursday...the baby (according to estimates) is already around 2 - 2.5 pounds and 15 inches...if I go into labor 9 weeks from now, they won't stop me. There's a lot to decide before then...a lot to discuss. A lot to fear, a lot to rejoice.
When we were watching the mother who had lost 3 children (all of that happened to her in 3 years too), Patrick said "How would you decide when to stop trying?"...and that is the name of the game at our house...which I told Pat. It becomes this weight that you try to balance...what if you are successful? What if you're not? What happens emotionally to the house that loses yet another child? It has been such a difficult path...and I certainly know we aren't the only people in the world with a path like this...or worse.
So emotionally I'm kind of a wreck. I'm excited, I'm fearful, I'm scared, I'm sad...12 more weeks...or less. The home stretch. At church yesterday, a tiny baby was baptized...he was just a few months old. Savannah was baptized when she was just over 2 months old. Carl and I have had plans, since before conception of Luke/Ella, to have him/her baptized the first Sunday we aren't in the hospital. I just think this baby is such a gift from God, we're going to immediately give him/her back to God. I know some people think we're crazy, taking a baby that is days old, to church, in the middle of winter...but it is something we feel strongly about. I eagerly await that Sunday where we can announce the birth of our child and dedicate him/her to God...it will be a glorious day for sure.
Every day I am reminded of how many others are worse off than I am...and because of that I keep going, not allowing myself to wallow in pity...but it is hard some days...but I am blessed. For that, I am thankful.
Friday, December 9, 2011
End of 2011...
Today is the last school day of the Fall 2011 semester! Do I feel like running mad up and down the halls yelling, "School's Out!"...well yes, I kind of do. It isn't that I don't like my job, I love it. I love teaching, I love the atmosphere, I love the outreach work. I'm excited because that means in 13 weeks or less, I will be a mom of two! This is just one milestone on the timeline to mommy-hood!
Next week is my last week in the office until January. As I pointed out to Carl, when I return to work I'll be 30.5 weeks pregnant...and will have a hospital bag packed in the car for the "just in case". It is really starting to sink in...we are really having a baby! I enter the 3rd trimester this week - now that is hard to believe! When I started thinking about how long I've already been pregnant (I was pregnant way back when I hosted a baby shower for my good friend in August!)...it is amazing to think that we are finally getting down to the last weeks.
I guess I'm both excited and sad and relieved at the same time about the last 13 (or less) weeks of pregnancy. I'm excited to meet Luke/Ella and find out just if it is Luke or Ella. I'm excited to see Savannah and her sibling. I'm relieved that the worry of miscarriage will be behind me. I'm sad that I may not have another pregnancy (we'll leave that final decision for a few years down the road...). And while I won't complain about being pregnant, I am beginning to feel the restrictions on movement, sitting positions, amount of time I can be active, and just last night I started thinking about THE recovery...the absolute worst part of pregnancy. It is physically just about the worst 5-6 weeks I ever experienced...but at least I will have a baby to hold through it all. I'm a mixed bag of emotions right now...I am so grateful for what I have, and I enjoy it all so much...but I still don't know what I will think about future pregnancies...for now I'm just going to enjoy the anticipation of a new life arriving.
So not only are Carl and I starting to feel the last few weeks weighing on us...so is Savannah. I'd like to think she's just happy as can be about a sibling...but I've started to see little signs that jealousy may rear it's head once Luke/Ella is home. Most specifically, we have had some major bedtime battles recently. She hasn't wanted to go to bed on her own for the past two weeks...she wants rocked to sleep. In the nursery. So Carl and I have started putting her in bed awake, and walking away. When she returns to our room, we just get up and put her back...last night it took 6 trips back to her bed before she stopped coming into our room. After she'd been quiet a while I had Carl check to make sure she was indeed, in bed. Turns out she'd fallen asleep in the nursery, in the rocker.
I have told her that I made her room special for her, and that it's her big girl room. (And remember, she's been out of the nursery since September 2010.) She then told me that she doesn't like her room. I said, "Well can the baby have it?" and she promptly replied "Yes!". And now with her falling asleep in the nursery...I think she is starting to feel some of the anticipation...and maybe isn't ready to give up her status. It's hard to see that, and to think that, but I have to just remind her how much we love her. We need to make sure she feels special and cherished as a big girl too...not just as our baby...it's hard...the transition is already starting to loom and I know we'll have some hiccups along the way...but God will get us through it all.
As a side note, my to-do list that is always so overwhelming is finally calming down...well sort of. My only goal for the next week is to get the last minute presents bought and wrapped. I have finished all of the blankets and the Christmas cards are almost done. I'm just waiting on photos to arrive in the mail (should be today) so I can finish the cards tonight and get them in the mail tomorrow morning. I did make a list for things that need to get done over my break from work...and I think I should be able to get most of it done in time. Savannah will be at preschool two mornings of my time off, so I should have some time to do things...right now I've been freaking out because I don't have a "Take Home from the Hospital" outfit...and since I won't know pink or blue it's hard to pick one. Carl said he could ask around to borrow something from someone at work for the blue and we could take something of Savannah's for the pink...but honestly, that outfit is supposed to be special - a keepsake. So it looks like I'm on the hunt for an adorable general neutral outfit...or really cheap and adorable outfits in pink AND blue...so I'll be ready. :0)
Next week is my last week in the office until January. As I pointed out to Carl, when I return to work I'll be 30.5 weeks pregnant...and will have a hospital bag packed in the car for the "just in case". It is really starting to sink in...we are really having a baby! I enter the 3rd trimester this week - now that is hard to believe! When I started thinking about how long I've already been pregnant (I was pregnant way back when I hosted a baby shower for my good friend in August!)...it is amazing to think that we are finally getting down to the last weeks.
I guess I'm both excited and sad and relieved at the same time about the last 13 (or less) weeks of pregnancy. I'm excited to meet Luke/Ella and find out just if it is Luke or Ella. I'm excited to see Savannah and her sibling. I'm relieved that the worry of miscarriage will be behind me. I'm sad that I may not have another pregnancy (we'll leave that final decision for a few years down the road...). And while I won't complain about being pregnant, I am beginning to feel the restrictions on movement, sitting positions, amount of time I can be active, and just last night I started thinking about THE recovery...the absolute worst part of pregnancy. It is physically just about the worst 5-6 weeks I ever experienced...but at least I will have a baby to hold through it all. I'm a mixed bag of emotions right now...I am so grateful for what I have, and I enjoy it all so much...but I still don't know what I will think about future pregnancies...for now I'm just going to enjoy the anticipation of a new life arriving.
So not only are Carl and I starting to feel the last few weeks weighing on us...so is Savannah. I'd like to think she's just happy as can be about a sibling...but I've started to see little signs that jealousy may rear it's head once Luke/Ella is home. Most specifically, we have had some major bedtime battles recently. She hasn't wanted to go to bed on her own for the past two weeks...she wants rocked to sleep. In the nursery. So Carl and I have started putting her in bed awake, and walking away. When she returns to our room, we just get up and put her back...last night it took 6 trips back to her bed before she stopped coming into our room. After she'd been quiet a while I had Carl check to make sure she was indeed, in bed. Turns out she'd fallen asleep in the nursery, in the rocker.
I have told her that I made her room special for her, and that it's her big girl room. (And remember, she's been out of the nursery since September 2010.) She then told me that she doesn't like her room. I said, "Well can the baby have it?" and she promptly replied "Yes!". And now with her falling asleep in the nursery...I think she is starting to feel some of the anticipation...and maybe isn't ready to give up her status. It's hard to see that, and to think that, but I have to just remind her how much we love her. We need to make sure she feels special and cherished as a big girl too...not just as our baby...it's hard...the transition is already starting to loom and I know we'll have some hiccups along the way...but God will get us through it all.
As a side note, my to-do list that is always so overwhelming is finally calming down...well sort of. My only goal for the next week is to get the last minute presents bought and wrapped. I have finished all of the blankets and the Christmas cards are almost done. I'm just waiting on photos to arrive in the mail (should be today) so I can finish the cards tonight and get them in the mail tomorrow morning. I did make a list for things that need to get done over my break from work...and I think I should be able to get most of it done in time. Savannah will be at preschool two mornings of my time off, so I should have some time to do things...right now I've been freaking out because I don't have a "Take Home from the Hospital" outfit...and since I won't know pink or blue it's hard to pick one. Carl said he could ask around to borrow something from someone at work for the blue and we could take something of Savannah's for the pink...but honestly, that outfit is supposed to be special - a keepsake. So it looks like I'm on the hunt for an adorable general neutral outfit...or really cheap and adorable outfits in pink AND blue...so I'll be ready. :0)
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