Shame on Me!

I can't believe it has been almost 3 months since I last posted. Shame on me! Life really has been just about the craziest ever. It is finally, finally!, slowing down a bit. The old house is refinanced to allow us to pull some equity out, the new house hasn't started to be built yet (but soon!), my job is awesome, and the kids are wonderful.

It's been a bunch of stress though. Between the new job demands, the double house stress, Vacation Bible School, and taking care of two little ones, I went to the ER twice in one week for panic attacks. I think we're back under control though...I'm taking some light medication to keep me from being insanely anxious, and I'm much happier for it!

The new house plans are coming into vision finally. Below is a peak at what my kitchen will look like...white main cabinets, and olive cabinet for the island, stainless steel appliances, and a darker counter. We're really excited to see this house finished! Carl and I have picked every last door handle, drawer pull, tile, carpet, hardwood, etc. to go in this house...we are crossing our fingers to see it break ground in November. The financing is all prepped with the bank, the builder just has to finish details on the land to get started. Hooray!

Luke is changing as fast as ever - he just babbles all the time. He has some words, "Mama" is his favorite. He gives the BEST squeezes ever. He keeps me busy though - he likes trouble! I have decided that the age between 18 months and 3 years is my favorite...before that they don't interact as well, and after that they get attitude!

Savannah just started back to preschool - she loves it. She has a new teacher that teaches science...and she absolutely LOVES that. I think I have a science girl on my hands. She really loves rocks and butterflies...maybe a biologist? It's fun to watch her learn and bring home new ideas.

My job is the best ever. I love all of the people I work with. I was SO busy in August and the first week of September...but it's slowed down some. I really am so happy at WVU. I'm teaching two evenings a week too, so that is nice. Next semester I'm going to teach on my lunch break two days a week, so I'll have the extra income without being away from the kids longer...so that will be awesome too!

Time is flying by...hopefully I'll be able to update house photos soon!!!

Quick Run Down on Life

I've been a terrible blogger-mom. I haven't really blogged in what seems forever! Here's the rundown on why I haven't:

1. I switched jobs. I miss my coworkers at Fairmont State, but absolutely LOVE my new position at WVU (and the people there are just as great!).

2. We are in the beginning stages of planning the house we are going to build. Lots of decisions, stress, heartache, and headache.

3. We decided to sell our house this summer instead of next summer - to be financially stable. While we could have swung two mortgages, the idea terrified me. So in the time span of two weeks (literally) we prepped our house for viewings. One of those weeks was also swim lesson week. That meant I worked my last week at FSU, came home, grabbed the kids, went to swim, got home, got them in bed, and then from 8:30pm until we collapsed, Carl and I were decluttering, cleaning, fixing, etc. Then my first week at WVU was full of house prep too. In that time we also paid to have all our carpet replaced on the upper floor of the house - which meant everything had to be off the floors except beds and dressers. Craziness!

4. We have a tentative agreement with buyers (already!). Things aren't going to rush through closing for various reasons...but hopefully by the end of September Carl and I won't have a mortgage payment.

5. Which all leads to - moving back in the with my parents until the new house is ready...which seems like it could take a bit of time.

So amidst all of this, I love my kids. They are growing and changing every day. I noticed this week that Luke doesn't seem as empathetic as his sister, he just is too excited to slow down to see how others feel. He is just very different in personality. I love my job, I love making a difference, and hopefully I'll love the new paycheck. Carl and I are so excited for the new house, but being patient is really difficult...I keep reminding myself that next summer we'll be sipping wine on the back patio while the kiddos play on a flat acre of land....that is what keeps me moving!!

To Everything There is a Season

I know I say this a lot, but my life has turned into a crazy life. I don't even know how else to describe it right now, other than plain crazy.

For any of those following along on facebook, I've had some pretty exciting yet cryptic posts recently. Well, the cat is finally out of the bag, so I can share. And yes, I know most of you are secretly hoping the "exciting news" relates to more little Poland babies...sorry to disappoint, but that crazy train has left the station. No more babies!

The household is going through some major changes though...this is my last week at Fairmont State. I've always loved the people I work with and the outreach activities I'm involved in...but the commute has been driving me batty. I'm 40 minutes from the kids and I hate the drive in the snow. So what is ahead for us? I am moving into a position at WVU...in the Freshman Engineering Program. I'm excited for the challenges and opportunities that are present, the proximity to my family, the salary change...all of it is exciting. I've been in this process with WVU since February...so you can imagine my elation when I finally got the call. I start to work at my alma mater on Monday!

So with the job change (and salary change) we've decided to pursue building a house...and have some very serious plans in the works. We're hoping to get a construction loan underway in July...so by the kids's birthdays we hope to be in our new house. This of course led to the discussion about when to sell our house...we had originally planned to sell it when the new house was almost done...but now I'm thinking about financial safety...and we've decided we just love stress, so we're going to put our house on the market now, as in before July 1st. So every waking moment spent at our house is used for decluttering, preparing for a yard sale, or cleaning. Everything is out of place - and for those who know me you realize what kind of stress that is for me. We have to replace carpet, move the cats to my parents' house, move a LOT of stuff into a storage unit, and generally spruce up the house...all while still maintaining our jobs and caring for our kids. No short order! (Did I mention this week is swim lessons - every night?)

So this has all led to a very exciting summer, but incredibly stressful too. It also has led to some pretty in-depth realizations. We are getting older, making more important decisions. Carl turns 30 this fall, and I do next fall. Everything is changing, we're growing up, becoming mature (I thought that happened when we had kids - I was wrong). It really feels like we are in the midst of a life-changing moment. It's like our journey has suddenly come upon a giant mountain and we are slowly climbing up, knowing how amazing it will feel to rush back down the other side. We are closing a chapter in our lives, just to open another. When I started working at Fairmont State, I didn't know I was pregnant with Savannah...and now I've had two children, lost two children, and flourished in my ability as a professional. Carl's job is progressing well and he is content. We are turning 30(!!) soon. We are selling the house that we brought our children home from the hospital to live in...the house we lovingly prepared for our family. It's like we can just feel the change.

Exciting? YES.

Scary? Absolutely!

Pinterest Mom

I'll admit, it's been a while. I've been busy. There's a lot on the horizon. I'm just not ready to share all of that...so for now...

I've been doing a lot of Pinterest browsing recently. I've pinned all kinds of party ideas (Construction Zone Luke and Faith, Trust, and Pixie Dust! for Savannah) and can easily see my party creating beginning this fall. I've pinned ideas about teaching math skills (gasp! Savannah is already old enough!) and I've pinned all kinds of cute recipes. I've pinned crafts with kids, Christmas ideas, all kinds of things. I'm one of those moms. At Savannah's 4th birthday, one of her new friends from school attended, along with her mother. The mom looked around and said, "So you are one of those moms who goes all out, huh?". I just laughed and said I loved crafting, and I do.

So I am on of those moms...the kind that always brings something out of the ordinary for Halloween treats, or decorates like crazy for a birthday, or creates all kinds of holiday themed crafts with my kids. I am the craft leader for VBS (keep an eye out for a post where I try out all of this year's Kingdom Rock crafts out with Savannah!) and I put a lot of time into making memories. We have an elf at Christmas that does all kinds of silly things. *sigh* I am definitely one of those moms.

I've seen a lot of comments, memes, pins, etc. about moms who aren't like me...aren't craft crazed. And I agree with most of them - the little things I work myself into a tizzy over are probably not going to change anything about Savannah or Luke's outlook on life. They probably don't even realize the amount of work I put into making just one moment a little more special. I realize, and I enjoy it. But the other day, out of nowhere, I got a little reminder that all my hard work does stick in Savannah's memory. I'm not sure what brought it up, but out of the blue, Savannah said, "My silly Ralphie - he turned the milk green!"...she was referring to our resident elf, Ralphie, that in December decided the milk should be green. So while my kids may not remember all of the details, they will remember some, and as they age, they will realize that I love them so much and did so much to make their childhoods special. So yeah, I'm one of those moms. What do you have to say about it?

Mother, Mother, Mother

Since Mother's Day is two days away, it seems appropriate that just about everything on my mind lately is related to being a mom, and just what that means. My life has seemed to be upside down recently...a lot of drama that has really prompted me to stop and thinking deeply about what it means to be a mother. Last week, Carl and I found out that a mother we know, reasonably well, had a daughter that was capable of doing something very, very, very bad. Her daughter will most likely be in prison for quite a while. Her juvenile daughter. It was so sad when I heard the news. I kept thinking, "but she is such a good mom, how can her child do this? What is to say Savannah wouldn't do this? I'm a good mom too!". It made my heart hurt for the mother, because I know she is a good person, and she raised her daughter to be a good person. But things went awry.

I was talking with a coworker about the situation, and she said she knew a family that had the same type of thing happen. The son got in trouble with some drugs, got mixed up with the wrong people. The mother sent him to another town for a while to keep him safe. The boy returned on his own, saw the guy he'd had trouble with, and while on a high, shot at the man. He ended up killing a little girl. That son is now in prison. For life. And the mom did everything she could to raise a respectable young man! And she is a good person! And she tried to help her son out of the situation! It is just so scary and awful.

How do I know that I'm doing the right things? That my kids will grow up to be great people? What is even more scary to me is that those two instances are about children who came from loving families. What about all those kids that are being raised in a family that is not at peace?!

I think about how my life has changed in the past few years since I've become a mother. The news effects me more...yesterday a student brought a gun to one of the local high schools (my own alma mater!) and was thankfully apprehended, and it isn't quite apparent if he'd meant harm or not. But my kids will be in that school in 10 years! I have heard people say this is why they don't want kids...but really, I wouldn't change my mind about having kids, ever. I don't know what they will become. That is scary in a lot of ways...what if they stray like the others? But they also might become someone great - someone who changes the world, makes a difference, or leads groups to greatness. I have no idea. I am only here to guide them along the right path now, and trust God to help them along the way. And if they falter, I'm the one to pick them up, dust them off, and put them back on the right path.

It's a lot of work being a mom. A lot. Not only is it my job to train these miniature people about living life, and being responsible, and making a difference, but I also have to make sure I clean up as they go. Luke has raised my tolerance for a messy house to an all new level. He is just the absolute definition of a boy. Noise with dirt on it. Gosh he needs a bath just about every time he eats! The other day we visited a good friend who recently had her second child, a boy. He is so calm. He is so different than Luke. My other good friend also just had a boy. Again, a calm, easy going boy. I have recently found myself wondering, how did I get stuck with the crazy one? Why do my kids leave handprints everywhere (honestly the house with the new baby had no handprints on any appliances or windows!)? We does my son insist on being "Destructo" and climb everything and scream loudly? Why does Savannah insist on becoming a hellion when we're in large crowds (not running everywhere, but clingly desperately to us making everything a million times more difficult)? But ya know, my kids might not be the cleanest (and certainly my house isn't!), but I love them. They are mine. They are genuinely kind-hearted. I wouldn't trade them for anything. The miscarriages were awful and hurt me in so many ways...but without them I wouldn't have Luke. He is just about the most adorable flirt I've ever seen. I wouldn't ever give up the opportunity to have met him.

So it's tough. My house isn't clean all the time (or hardly ever anymore). My life is busy (too much!). There are days that I feel like I go to work, come home, clean up, make dinner, handle bath time, then bedtime, then more cleaning. (Or packing for trips or looking at land or houses, or taking Carl's mom somewhere, or going to church meetings...) And at some point I get to sleep. There are no breaks. There isn't "me" time. It's just surviving and trying to enjoy the ride.

Well Toto, We're Not in High School Anymore...

So as much as I'd like to deny it - I graduated from high school 10 years ago. It doesn't seem possible for time to have gone by as quickly as it did...but here we are...grown adults. As like most high school classes, we plan to have a reunion. Generally the tradition is that the class president from our senior class plans the events. I honestly don't remember who was class president, but apparently someone does, and they formed a committee, and a facebook invite. There was also apparently some kind of forum to discuss where/when to hold the reunion. Turns out it will be on a Saturday night, in a bar. Here's the problem with that - most of us are 30 or will be soon. Many of us have families. Many of those with families really don't need an extra three hours of loud noise (we get enough of that in our own homes before 8:00pm!). So while I'm not trying to be picky, I'm pretty sure the planning committee members are all childless. So, an evening at a bar sounds great. The planning committee is receiving some flack on the facebook event wall...and those defending them are close friends...mostly single or childless also. I do think it would be nice to plan something in the daytime, and family friendly. Especially in the summer - they could easily do a picnic at a park (which I'm sure would be cheaper than renting out a space at a bar). Honestly, I'd rather see people and their families, to see what they have produced than see everyone drinking at a party. I had enough of that 10 years ago.

In the end, I don't really care what they do. They scheduled the date for the Saturday I will be driving back from Hilton Head...so I won't be there...but if I was in town, here's why I wouldn't go: It is clear from all the bickering on the facebook event wall that most of my graduating class is still stuck back in high school. The same groups hate each other, the same snarky people are snarky, and no one wants to think about anyone but themselves. Maybe I'll attend when we celebrate 15 years...if it appears any of them have matured!

Decisions, Decisions!

Recently, Carl and I took a big step in our journey together - we are ready to expand again! No, not in the having more babies way. We met with a builder to begin the tedious (and decision laden) process of building a house. We've looked at a few properties we like, and may have found the right one...we're going to drive by it again tonight and see if it meets my criteria (flat enough for the kids to have a space to play, roads fairly easy to navigate in the winter, etc.). The lot we're looking at has two acres...that part is a little scary for me...Carl would be mowing a lot! We could also develop some of that land for a big garden, a playset, fenced area for the kids, etc. So if we like the lot, we may begin the process of buying the land. Then we'll wait. Most likely we won't break ground for maybe another 9-12 months. We have some pending changes with salaries and life situations, so we want to give those things some time...but if we love this land, we don't want to lose it. So we may just buy the land, pay for it each month, and if in the end we decide we like somewhere else better, then we'll sell it.

Meeting with the builder was just insane...there are so many options! I didn't realize how specific I would be in the things I like, but I am picky! I want a pantry for sure (walk-in would be nice, but we'll see how cost prohibitive it is), I definitely want 4 bedrooms. I need a craft room! The garage needs to have some storage space. We may or may not finish the basement when we build...that will depend on where we are financially. We definitely want a big kitchen...and a formal dining room. We feed our families at every holiday, and have lots of birthday parties at the house...so we need the dining space. So while we're looking at land, we're also going through page after page of house plans. We like the kitchen in one, the dining room in the other, and the garage in the other....so we are picking the structure of what we want now. Then we'll go back and see how much that's going to cost us....and if we have to make changes to keep it in the range we want, then we go back and make changes...honestly, I have a feeling we'll take months to make all those choices anyway. So while we're waiting on life to happen, we're going to plan (sounds just like me!). I've started thinking about my kitchen (and craft room!). Right now we have more earthy colors....I think I may go with lighter cabinets...more seaside appeal. The kids bathroom will probably be themed Disney of some sort (maybe Mickey/Minnie?). We just have A LOT of decisions to make.

Another thing this signals? We are officially done with children. We are building our dream house, to accommodate 4. Of course, there would be space for another child if God decides to surprise us, but we really like where we're at. We are ready to start our new chapter and watch the kids grow.

So the journey begins...with no definite end date. It could be a year, or it could be 5 years. It is just exciting to start thinking about designing our own space (and sad to think of leaving our first home...the one we brought our children home from the hospital to).