I Wanna Be a Millionaire, Among Other Things...

On my way home yesterday that song "Billionaire" by Travie McCoy started to play on the radio. A little secret about me is that I sing in the car - a lot - it distracts me just enough (but not too much to cause any issues) to stay calm in heavy traffic. It seems that almost every time the lyrics said "I wanna be a billionaire" I would inadvertently sing "I wanna be a millionaire". I then started to really think why I do that every time. I guess it boils down to the fact that to me, being a millionaire would be amazing - let alone a billionaire. Then I started to think about what I would do with a million dollars. You would think I'd have all these crazy things I'd like to buy...but the first things to come to mind were to pay off the house and cars, then maybe buy a few things for my parents and grandparents, donate to a charity or our church...and that was it. I didn't think "Oh I'd love a boat" or "I could buy a really expensive car!"...I did eventually think that maybe I'd like to stop working so I could be home with my family more...which brought me to the conclusion that I'd be a boring millionaire. It also made me realize that for once I am practicing what I preach. The key to happiness (or at least a portion of it) is to love what you have, not want what you don't have. I love my family, I love my house, and I love my cars. Some may say that I must have pretty nice things then. While I do think what we have is nice, it certainly isn't out of the realm of possibilities for a lot of people to have. We're not millionaires, or even hundred-thousandaires (totally not a word). We are just happy and blessed with what we do have. I'd like to think that even if I had less I'd still be happy. Life just isn't about big houses or expensive cars. Life is meant for us to praise God for the opportunities presented to us, feel blessed for what He has provided, and do as much to help others as possible.

Aside from singing the lyrics wrong on my drive home, my life has been pretty straight forward and uneventful. We did enjoy an amazing trip to visit family last week. Surprisingly the "road trip" part of our vacation was one of the most entertaining. I typically hate road trips but this was the first road trip Carl, Savannah, and I have taken as a family of three, alone. We had a new GPS - we named her "Glinda Penelope Switzer" - to play with. Savannah had a DVD player to keep her entertained. I drove quite a bit, even through 8-lanes Nashville. It was just fun and relaxing. I was delighted to see Savannah with all four of her great-grandparents. We visited an historical staple in my hometown - Trowbridges. This place has the best hot dogs and ice cream that I have ever tasted. All of that good food combined with southern charm. It was just wonderful. It broke my heart when we had to leave both sets of grandparents. They just want to relish every moment with Savannah...I hated to go. I am amazingly blessed to have the four of them in my life - as well as in Savannah's life.

Savannah is also changing by the day. I swear each day it sounds like she has added to her vocabulary. Her words still aren't nearly clear enough for anyone other than family to understand her, but she certainly understands more words than I could imagine. She can pick out just about anything I ask her about in a picture book and she is fluent in body part identification. She has figured out how to open lever-handle style doors (which was really a lot of work for me at my grandparents in Ohio) and she knows how to get around the drawer locks in the kitchen. She copies everything I do. The other day I had to fuss at Junebug (the youngest kitty in our household) for trying to steal food off my plate. I said "June! No!" and clapped my hands at her. Then behind me I hear "Ah! Ah!" with the same inflection and all. I turn to see Savannah clapping. She's now become the chief police officer for our kitties. They aren't entirely thrilled. Savannah also follows two or three step directions really well. We can tell her to find something and put it somewhere else, etc. More and more often she points to her diaper for changes....it really will be time before we know it for her to be potty trained. We also have a goal of finishing her big girl room before Labor Day. She has been climbing things like crazy and I just worry about her falling out of her crib. Carl's mom said Carl was close to Savannah's current age when he figured it out. I also have been thinking that if she is going to be potty trained I need to be sure she can access the potty easily at night - so when we potty train she'll need to be a bed she can get out of. It is just amazing to me how grown up she is already.

For all that Savannah has grown, she still reminds me that she's my little doll baby that I brought home from the hospital. Recently she has really turned into a cuddle bug - which often makes me cry. I just love her so much and I just love that she cuddles - but it really reminds me of what I lost in July. It makes me sad to think that she isn't a big sister yet and won't be for a while now. She just has so much love to share and I can't give her a sibling to share with...at least not now. I also have been going to weekly appointments for blood work. My HCG level has to drop below 5, and until it does I have to give a tube of blood once a week. The week after the miscarriage it was 186, the next week it was 48, and this week it was 6. And so, since it was 6, I had to go AGAIN next week. I really don't look forward to that. I have gotten over the needles and blood part of this - honestly after being stuck so many times when I was pregnant with Savannah, and now for the miscarriage, the needles don't bother me. It's just hard to go in to that doctor's office, knowing full well that I'm there because my body rejected a potential baby. Then once I get there I sit in a waiting room full of 9-months-pregnant women - reminded of what I could have had: the excitement, the joy, the baby. While I'd like to think I have put that memory away and moved on to enjoy my life, I know the pain still isn't gone. The hurt and loss is still there...and every week I'm reminded. It was really not fun to get the phone call yesterday saying that I'd have to come back next week...it's like a miscarriage isn't just a one day event....the day you're told there's no heartbeat it's shattering...then you have all the physical issues to deal. It's pretty much all the same as what happens right after you have a baby - except this time you get all of that annoyance and pain without a baby as your reward. Then after that is over you are reminded every week while the doctor checks on you. I know it's all for my health, but it really, really hurts.

And so I come back to where I started...I am happy with my life and I love what I have. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband, an amazing daughter, and a life I love to wake up to every morning. But I do believe that without great sadness and pain we wouldn't appreciate the great joys and blessings.

Surviving the Miscarriage

So it has almost been two full weeks since I miscarried. Life has gotten somewhat back to normal. I've been back to work, with some days better than others. Carl and I have been doing a lot of packing and traveling (we all leave for Alabama tomorrow - hooray!). I sometimes hate the face people give me when I tell them I've had a miscarriage. It's always this sad puppy-dog face, which always makes me want to cry. I also hate that people think I should be crying a lot...I've done my crying. I have a little girl that doesn't need me to cry. I guess I see it as my memory is full of boxes. This event in my life is in a box. I'd like to close this box and store it. There will be times I take the box out and open it and grieve. I also have several open boxes, like memories with Savannah and Carl. Those boxes are the ones I should rejoice in, and this box containing the sad memory will be there, but never in the forefront. I have been back to the doctor several times...they continue to monitor my HCG levels...and will until it is a number below 5. The last check I was at 48...so hopefully after this trip it will be back to a normal number. I really hate opening this sad box every week...I am tired of the doctor's visits, the sad faces, and sadness. I want to enjoy life and feel blessed for what I do have.

Miscarriage.

Two weeks ago I wrote up a blog post that I had planned to publish in August. The post read as follows:

"In March, Carl and I decided that we were ready to start preparing for a second child. The basement was finally finished and paid for, the emergency fund was once again back to full status, and Savannah's Big Girl Room was well on its way to completion. Honestly, there was no reason to wait. Our family was under the impression that we would like to wait until after the Disney December 2010 trip (now rescheduled for October 2011, with a reunion of honeymoon friends!), so we could surprise them with the news (we hoped) before any suspicion would arise. So in April I had stopped taking birth control and started taking prenatal vitamins. I was hoping for a positive pregnancy test at the end of May, but was disappointed at the beginning of our Miami trip. (So it is also one extra reason that the trip wasn't quite as I'd hoped.)

So I began planning for June. I had my annual appointment with my doctor, and she echoed my excitement for another child. She said I was healthy and fully ready for another. I still consistently took my vitamins and I figured out the ovulation dates. I even read about the entire process of how long it actually takes to get pregnant, etc. (There is a wealth of knowledge out there - including things I probably don't really need to know!) June 7th was the date determined to be THE day. Then, on June 8th my mother-in-law was watching Savannah for a bit (my mom was out of town and I had to be at FSU for most of the day). On my drive home, around 2:30pm, I had the most incredible sensation. I got goosebumps all over my body. I couldn't decide what to make of it. I feared the worst and thought, "Is this my mom-brain telling me I need to get home right away? Is something wrong? Is someone hurt or injured or sick? Are my parents safe on their vacation?". I just knew something was up. By the end of the day, everyone was safe and happy. There had never been any cause for alarm. I told Carl about my crazy goosebumps that night...we didn't know what to think of it. I even mentioned the crazy feeling to a coworker (she was not in the loop of our pregnancy plans either). It was just so...amazing. About a week later I was starting to show a few signs of early pregnancy. I knew it. I knew then I was pregnant. I also had a sneaking suspicion that my goosebumps had been the moment Baby #2 was created. I knew how long conception could occur after ovulation, I'd read a lot about pregnancy! I just had that gut feeling, I knew I was pregnant.

The week between all those symptoms and pregnancy test time was agonizing. I didn't want to tell Carl the day I would be able to test because I wanted it to be a surprise. With Savannah we bought the test together, waited together, and rejoiced together. I wanted to surprise him with the news. So I couldn't share any of my thoughts or confirming feelings that I thought I was pregnant. I knew that the day I would miss Mother Nature would be on June 21st. Our 3rd wedding anniversary was on June 23rd, so my plan had been to wait until the morning of the 23rd, take the test, and (hopefully) tell Carl the good news over dinner. Well, the waiting was killing me. I had a test at home that said it would be 95% accurate on June 20th...which happened to be Father's Day. So then Saturday (the 19th) I decided to test on the morning of the 20th and make that a surprise Father's Day gift. Well, the night of the 19th it got really hot in the house, and around 4am Carl woke up and couldn't sleep. He ended up going to the basement to sleep since it is always cool down there. When he stirred it woke me up. I seriously had to pee. I laid in bed trying to ignore it. I didn't want to pee until later in the morning because you are generally supposed to take the pregnancy first thing in the morning to get the most concentrated hormone levels for the test. And I really didn't want to take a test at 4am! But, I couldn't sleep when I had to pee so bad....so I told myself I'd just take the test and when I got up later I could tell Carl. I took the test, waited 3 minutes, and to my delight I was pregnant! I had known a while I think, but it confirmed every feeling. So then I climbed back into bed and tried (and failed) to go back to sleep. I just couldn't wait. I got up, got the test off the vanity, and trekked down to the basement. I turned on the lights and woke Carl up. He asked what in the world I needed. I told him I couldn't wait a minute longer and showed him the test...he found out at 4:15am on Father's Day that he is going to be a father of two! After celebrating for a bit I decided I really should sleep at some point and went to bed...it took quite a while to calm down enough to sleep...but eventually I did.

Since Father's Day it has been our secret, one that we are thrilled to share now. Little Baby Poland #2 is scheduled to arrive on Monday, February 28th, 2011. (Everyone start praying for no snow now!) I am convinced I'm having a boy (have been for weeks) and if I am correct the plan is to name him Luke Asher. If by chance I'm wrong we will delightfully welcome another little girl into our family, and she will be named Ella Faith. We are praying for a healthy baby, boy or girl. We won't know until February 2011!"

Well, today I would have been 7 weeks pregnant. The last week really was my worst nightmare. Tuesday and Wednesday I noticed some light spotting, it got worse on Thursday and the doctor's office wanted me in on Friday morning. After spending about 2 hours at the doctor's office, my fears were confirmed. An ultrasound revealed that I was indeed between 6 and 7 weeks, there was a gestational sac, but there was no heartbeat. Hearing the words, "I don't see a heartbeat" from an ultrasound technician probably has to be one of the hardest things to hear. Carl had decided to work from home Thursday night, and then once we knew the horrible outcome of the doctor's appointment he remained home the entire day with me.

Friday I was pretty much a useless bump on a log. I did interact with Savannah as much as possible...I just couldn't bear missing another moment with her, but when she was napping or asleep I did nothing or cried a lot. Carl was so strong for me and so supportive. We decided to share the news with our friends and family too. Both mothers have been extremely supportive and our faith has really gotten us through the past few days. We don't know what caused the miscarriage, but the doctor assured me that it wasn't caused by anything I did, or didn't, do. For some reason this baby just wasn't meant to be. God is in control, and He knew it wasn't the right time, for whatever reason. When I was home in tears on Friday, Savannah just watched me with such a terribly scared face...so for the sake of her I have been strong and tried to limit my tears. I allowed myself to grieve and be useless all day on Friday, but on Saturday I woke up with a new resolve that the tears were to be shut off. It still hurt (and it still does now and there will be days I feel it more than others), but I do have a wonderfully amazing little girl who needs me. I don't want to miss out on anything in her life, and I can't enjoy her life of what is now when I am crying over what could have been.

Carl was amazingly supportive throughout the ordeal too. He insisted on driving me to the doctor's office, even though we live honestly not even a mile away. He did a lot of the work associated with caring for Savannah. When he saw my face after the results of the ultrasound he just let me sob into his shoulder. He hid a lot of his sadness to prevent increasing my sadness. He forced me to rest and encouraged me to enjoy some of the foods that are "off-limits" for pregnant women. In a time when some might find their marriage stretched beyond recognition, ours showed stronger than ever. He wouldn't let me think for a second that he was mad or that I should feel guilt. He and I both agreed that God had other plans right now. He was a pillar of strength. While we may have bickered about things in the past (I remember all those frustrating days when Savannah was small!), this has proven to be one of the greatest tests of our marriage (as it would be for any marriage), but we have survived and come out as a strong & loving team.

So plans have changed. It wasn't my idea to change them, but God is in control. Right now the doctor has recommended we wait until at least September to think about trying again, but I think we will wait longer. We have decided to press on with the Disney December 2010 trip. I can't wait to enjoy it all with my family. My parents will be going with us, so Carl and I will have a few times to enjoy Disney World all over again as a couple, plus we will get to see it through the eyes and delight of Savannah. I have such a wonderful trip to look forward to. I will be teaching at WVU and FSU this fall, and I would love to enjoy the rides at Disney, so I really do think we'll wait until 2011 to think about trying again. We had hoped to surprise everyone with the next pregnancy, but really that doesn't matter. It would be nice to surprise them, but when both moms found out about the miscarriage they both said, "I was suspicious you were pregnant!"....so there really is no surprising a mother.

Today I returned to work as normal, and now that I have some return appointments to handle with the doctor, I have spoken with a close friend and my boss about the issue. Both were very understanding and asked why I even came to work today. While I am still sad and hurt, I need routine. I really don't handle change well, and this weekend I faced all the change I could handle. For me keeping the schedule normal is helpful. I am blessed to have such supportive family, friends, and co-workers. God knew that Carl and I would work through this.

So at this point, many people would wonder why in the world I would even blog about such a sad topic. There are so many reasons I feel compelled to write. For one, I don't want to ignore the fact that I was pregnant, I was SO happy about it, and Carl and I were so excited. The post I wrote two weeks ago deserves to be seen. I also wanted to share the array of emotions I felt in the past few days. Instantly I felt sadness, guilt, denial, shock. While all of those feelings may be valid reactions, they weren't all spot on. There was no reason to feel guilt, I had done nothing wrong. I also thought that I could never be one of the 40% of women who have miscarriages. I just always thought I'd be one of the lucky 60%.

I also hate the idea that a miscarriage is something to hide or be ashamed of. When someone in your family dies, you put it in the newspaper, but when you have a miscarriage a lot of people try to avoid talking about it or telling anyone. A miscarriage is one of the worst things a mother can go through, but there should not be any shame or guilt associated with it. It is (unfortunately) more common than anyone would like to think...40% of women! I know of 8 people that have been through it...and those are just the ones who have told me in order to help me process my feelings now.

So this past week was most definitely not what I had hoped. My plans for the next 9 months have changed drastically in the last few days. But now I have other things to look forward to, and in a few months we might go back to thinking about another child. For now I have roller coasters, wine, brownie mix, cookie dough, sunny-side up eggs, deli meat, and caffeine to enjoy right along side all of Savannah's big girl milestones.

It's Time for a Time Out!

This week has been a challenging one in the Poland household. Savannah is finally back to her normal schedule with Carl and I both working and Grandma home with her. She didn't particularly like that I had to go to work on Monday morning, but other than that she is back to her normal, adorable, cute, charming....stubborn, rotten self.

When I was pregnant, my mom (jokingly) told me she hoped Savannah was just like I was as a small child....and then laughed. I suppose I was quite a handful. It now appears that not only has Savannah inherited my stubborn and sneaky behavior traits, but she also inherited Carl's charm and curiosity. This is not an easy combination! Shortly after my mom returned to her post as "Grandma", Savannah began climbing on the sectional. She wiggles her way up, then stands on it and waits for one of the adults in her life to tell her to sit. Once we do she flashes that lovely, charming grin of hers. This is such a game to her. So we pick her up, tell her that she has to sit on the couch or get down, and then we put her on the floor. Round two then commences. The steps repeat and she is still this smiley can of ridiculousness. Round three. Round four. It really has to stop sometime, right? She also favors climbing the TV stand, the craft station, her doll stroller, and her mini shopping cart. So there's that.

Savannah is one bright cookie (of course, this is her mom speaking...) and she is beginning to get extremely frustrated when something doesn't go her way and she can't tell us about it. I know that people say once your child talks they never stop, but I cannot wait for Savannah to learn to talk. She just screams, shrieks, or gets physically violent when something frustrates her...talking forever has to be much better than that. (Or at least I keep telling myself that.) The other day she was playing with me in the floor, and apparently I did something to make her mad - so she hit me in the head with her tambourine. I told her that wasn't nice and I wouldn't play with her if she was going to hit me. I set the tambourine down and looked away. She fully understood me...she kept trying to look me in the eye, and eventually she tried to give me the tambourine so I could play. I made her give me a hug and reinforced that hitting isn't nice. She hasn't done it again, yet anyway. This releasing-frustration-through-hitting-or-screaming thing had better stop soon....I only can take so many tambourines to the head. (By the way, Savannah only hits and bites me, never Carl. She also only cries when I leave, never when he leaves. She must be passive aggressive.)

Before Savannah was born we took a lot of parenting classes (honestly I don't think we needed any of them - but they were wonderful for the sense of preparedness it gave me). During one of them, the "expert" said time-outs shouldn't begin until a child is 5 years old. We immediately decided that if we waited until our child was 5 to start time-outs that we were going to send our kid to that "expert" until the age of 18. I fully believe that if the child can understand you, then it is time to set limits. Savannah most definitely understands us. We ask where things are, or tell her where things are, and she eagerly goes to the location. The other day she was incessantly poking Omen (the eldest of the kitties in our home - generally the one most willing to deal with a toddler). Poor Omen. He just glared st Savannah and flicked his tail. He had been napping peacefully in the chair by the window and then she had to come and poke him. I told Savannah that it wasn't nice to poke our cats, and she had the choice to either pet him nice or look at him - No Poking. She looked at me, looked at him, and then walked away. She was completely aware of what she was doing and how to behave. If she is old enough to understand that, she's old enough to be put in time-out. Of course, she is only 14 months old, so while I would love to believe she is a genius, a one-minute time-out is probably all she needs. If we push it much longer than that she probably will have moved on in her thinking and totally not understand why she has to sit still for what seems like ages to her.

So the project for this weekend will involve finding an appropriate time-out mat and timer. I prefer a mat that's easy to carry, after all, time-outs can happen in public (please just walk by when my child is screaming in the middle of the mall on her mat...). My good friend suggested making one from some pretty fabrics and while I'm not really much of a sewing type gal, I may try my hand at this project. After the mat and timer are ready, time-out rules will have to be set for all adults-in-charge to make sure we're consistent. I think that's going to be the hardest part. I want to make sure she is put there for the most egregious offenses. I also want to make sure she is properly warned prior to a time out.

I really want to try to discipline Savannah (and all of my kids) without yelling. I think a stern voice does not require a loud voice. If I scream at her she is just going to learn to scream back. If I want her to respect me, I have to respect her. Honestly I don't get parents that sit in restaurants yelling at their kids so loud other people look. If your kid learned to walk by watching you, don't you think your kid is going to learn to yell at people, just by watching you? How in the world will that child learn to settle disagreements in the real world when the only solution they have seen is yelling and drawing attention? My goal as a parent isn't to be awarded the "Best Mother of the Year" or for others to think I'm a wonderful mom. My goal is to raise children that are responsible adults that can tackle any problem that stands in her/his way.

Time-out has almost made its appearance at the Poland Residence...just in time, too. I just got hit in the head with a tambourine...again.

It's A ____! {Gender Reveal Party}

Not only am I blessed with the most amazing family, but I also have some pretty amazing friends. Carl and I both are truly blessed in life. My best friend (we've known each other since we were Brownies!) Ashley, fell in love with one of Carl's best friends, Alan. Both couples have been together since high school and double dates were just about the norm. The four of us have seen each other through ups, downs, engagements, weddings, and babies! Ashley and I often think alike, even at the same time, we joke about being separated at birth or something. Well, to our delight, Ashley and Alan are expecting Baby #2.

Of course, since I delight in planning parties I offered to plan and host a Gender Reveal Party for our best friends. I think the idea is a wonderful way to share the news with close friends and family, and a great way to capture the excitement of a new addition to the family. The first child is always such a celebration, and sometimes second, third, fourth, etc. children don't get quite the fanfare. Shortly before the Miami trip I created handmade invitations to mail out to family. I just picked a really cute card (an 8-pack from the Dollar Store!) and then printed my own details for the wording inside and out. They turned out adorable, and set the mood for an informal, summer-y party.





I also made these cute tissue paper poms to decorate with. I wanted things to be bright and colorful, so I made some of pinks, blues, greens, and yellows to hang from our chandelier. They look complicated, but were incredibly easy. I have so many ideas for future decorations with this inexpensive idea. The best website instructions I found were thanks to Martha Stewart. For instructions on how to make your own beautiful creations (perfect for any party, just theme your colors appropriately!), here's the link: http://www.marthastewartweddings.com/article/pom-poms-and-luminarias



I also made a little board for everyone to vote boy or girl...this will be turned into a keepsake for our friends too. We took everyone's picture and I will then attach the pictures to the board. This way they will always know who voted boy and who voted girl. It was a neat little addition to the decor, as well as a cute little sentiment.



For me, parties often revolve around the food. We planned a light cookout, with burgers and hot dogs and all the fixin's. I also had some favorite snacks on hand, like popcorn, chips, veggies, and fruit. My favorite food was the cupcakes. I iced 24 cupcakes in bright colors, and then piped little question marks in white on top. They were adorable and made for a delightful (and delicious) centerpiece!





Ashley and Alan went for the tell-all ultrasound the morning of the party. Prior to the appointment, Ashley wrapped a shoebox with pink and blue paper. Then, she created two beautiful cards, one that said "It's a Girl" and one that said "It's a Boy". She took the cards and a green envelope to her appointment. She asked the technician to leave the room and place the correct card in the envelope, and seal it. The other card was to be thrown away. Once home, Ashley put the envelope in the box and off to Morgantown they came!

Once at the party everyone discussed what the box contained...we ate and relaxed, but you could tell we were on pins and needles waiting to find out! When the moment came, everyone gathered around. Ashley and Alan opened the box together with Alana (Baby #1). The results - It's A Girl! Another lovely daughter! Everyone was thrilled to hear the news (even though the majority thought it was a boy!). Enjoy the pictures of reactions below....:0)

Once a Mom, Always A Mom

For the past 16 days Savannah has been with me for just about every hour she has been awake...and for a lot of sleep hours too. The week we spent in Miami she was with me 24 hours a day, sleeping in her crib next to the bed. I was even nervous about showering in the evenings after she'd gone to sleep so I pulled the crib to the bathroom door and showered so I could watch her. Last week she spent the week at work with me...my only hours away were a short 1 hour on Wednesday for me to visit the doctor for my annual exam. So when Carl said he was going to take Savannah with him to a co-workers "Cradle Celebration" (different culture - I'm not fully sure what it was) I jumped at the chance to spend a little bit of time alone. It was such an amazing feeling to get dressed without having to rush before dressing a baby...I was able to take my time and pick out clothes I liked and put make-up on the way I used to...It was so refreshing. I had two different VBS meetings to attend and I also finally had a chance to shop at Michael's without having to rush up and down the aisles with a bored toddler in tow. I don't think I realized how much Savannah had wiggled into my "Mom Space" until I was driving home from the craft store. I was sitting at a red-light, with the windows down. There was a light breeze and the tags on her carseat fluttered with the breeze. Upon hearing the sound in the backseat, I automatically began to say something to Savannah...then stopped short, reminding myself that she wasn't with me. Later at home I was cleaning the house and something I did made a lot of noise. I cringed thinking I'd wake her up from her nap - again having to remind myself that she was with Carl and I could make all the noise I wanted.

It dawned on me last night that in just 14 months I have changed into a different person than I used to be. I no longer worry about dusting every week, or about getting my outfit just right (although I do try to look presentable), and I'm not intensely worried about what's on television. I haven't seen a movie in theaters in over 18 months...I rarely eat dinner without having to feed a second mouth at the same time. While I think I knew in the back of my mind that this change had occurred, I really felt the change yesterday when I was able to step back into the old me for a short time. Do I miss the old, carefree me? To be completely honest, sometimes I do. I miss the spontaneity of it all, and I miss the freedom to do what I want. Would I like to get that freedom back? Sure - in 20 or so years. While I miss the old me, I would never trade all of these precious days with Savannah (and in the future, all of my children) for that freedom. I love being a mom, I just didn't realize how it had changed me. I think days like yesterday are a blessing for moms...just a short time to remember who is underneath the title of "Mom". I don't want to lose that fun-loving free spirit...and I do know that some of the free spirit can be present in the "Mom" form also...but it still isn't quite the same.

I think it's amazing how children change people...almost always for the better. So for now I had a glimpse at the old me, she is still safe and sound waiting for another little time window to enjoy. I had a break that really seemed to make me enjoy every second with Savannah just a little bit more. It was certainly what I needed before the start of another long week at work with a toddler!

What a whirlwind week! I will say all of my planning and lists did pay off. Carl and I successfully survived Savannah's first vacation! I think one of my biggest concerns was flying with a small child. After all my worrying Savannah surprised me (it seems like she is always doing that!). Our first flight was from Pittsburgh to Philly, so the duration was a good "tester" to see how she would handle it. Prior to the flight Savannah met the pilots (and we have some awesome pictures of that!) and flight attendants. Of course, she won them over with her grin. Once it was time to take off we gave Savannah her sippy to help with the pressure changes and we pointed out that we were going up - she loved it! She waved and waved at all the things we passed by. When we broke through the clouds it was a bit rough so we just told her we were going over the clouds and to wave and she was content with that. During the flight she was content to look out the window or to read a book. As we landed I expected her to be afraid of all the noise with the reverse boosters, etc., but she just clapped and giggled. We may have a pilot in our future! The only time she wasn't the picture of perfection was on the second leg on the way to Miami. She was exhausted and really didn't want to sleep - there was so much to see! It took her about 10 minutes to give up and nap, but no one around seemed to mind.



Once we got to Miami we had a fairly easy time traveling to the hotel...and we had a beautiful room too! It turns out we had a Junior Suite, so we had a nice space for Savannah's crib (they provided) and there was a microwave, mini fridge, stove top, and dishes to cook on. Shortly after arriving we took a short walk to a local Walgreens for some milk, bread, and snacks. It turns out that Savannah and I were able to eat lunch in the room every day, which was a big financial help too! The only difficult part about sharing a hotel room with a toddler is the sleeping. Savannah's bedtime is around 7:30pm, and we aren't really ready to sleep at that point...so it took a night or two to find a way to allow her to sleep but for us to stay up to watch TV. Nap time was pretty easy, Savannah and I would lay down on the bed to watch kid shows and she'd just fall right asleep. At night I read to her, then put her in the crib, pulled it close to my side of the bed and then watched TV. She'd sometimes stand and watch, then sit and watch and then she'd lay down and eventually fall asleep. That isn't really how bedtime works at our house, but for vacation we let things slide.



The beach was a lot of fun for Savannah. She enjoyed watching the waves and playing in the sand. There was a time that she ate sand...but she never did it again. It was beautiful there, and on the days Carl was attending his conference Savannah and I mainly stuck to the pools. The beach is just a lot of work with one mama and one toddler. Sand gets everywhere, and the towels need carried, and the bags, and the drinks...I just didn't have enough arms to attempt that alone. I tried once and decided it wasn't worth it...so we stuck to the pools.



Overall Savannah had a wonderful time on her first vacation...I can't say quite as much for Carl and I. I think we were both expecting a very different vacation. We hadn't traveled anywhere together for pleasure since our Honeymoon...and we were hoping to enjoy ourselves on this trip. While we delighted in all the new things Savannah experienced, we definitely had a hard time adjusting to vacations with a child. Our schedule was set by someone other than us, we were limited to where we could eat, and I couldn't do much of anything for myself once Carl's conference started. I couldn't lay out and tan, or just swim at the pool, or attend dinners with Carl. A one-year-old doesn't take care of herself! Carl felt like he deserved time at the pool when he had free time because he'd been working all day, but I felt I deserved time alone because I'd also been working all day. His "fun" was all the outings for dinner (a yacht dinner cruise!), and I felt my fun should be relaxing for a while! I truly came home feeling like I'd had very little fun compared to Carl's extraordinary fun. We both came home with a negative attitude. We had some communication issues, as well as expectations that just aren't realistic with a child. While we loved the trip, it was quite the learning experience. After hashing out our feelings, I think we both understand each other's opinions about the trip...and we have a game plan for future trips. We've decided that for business trips either Carl goes alone, or we leave Savannah with my mom. When I am left in the room with her for days it can be pretty isolating. We will plan family trips outside of work..children are a lot of work for one parent to care for all the time. We both want to be an active part in the vacation, so no kids on business trips. It will be pretty hard leaving Savannah, but it will also be a great way to rekindle our marriage the few times it happens. While I hate the idea of leaving my child for a few days, I also cherish the idea that great marriages are what keeps great families together. I don't want to wonder who the man is by my side once my kids are grown...so this trip was fun, hard, eye-opening, and not regretted at all....we just know how to go forth from now on.