Childish Excitement!

Yesterday Carl and I did something we haven't done in over 5 years - we booked a vacation!! A tried-and-true, no-visiting-family, not-for-educational-purposes, not-for-work, vacation!! And here's the kicker: we aren't taking the kids!

So our decision all started on Friday. I got an email from Disney Cruise Line (as I have just about every week since our ah-may-zing honeymoon in 2007) touting the latest new deal, port, ship, etc. from the DCL offerings. I of course drooled over the cruises...but then noticed an interesting deal. So I looked into it. On Saturday, I brought the topic up to Carl. He, of course, immediately thought it would be a great idea. I was still undecided. I cannot describe my love of our honeymoon trip...magical doesn't even cover it! I truly have cried at the thought of going back. So what was holding me back? The kids.

I love, love, love my kids (as evidence shows in previous posts!). But a cruise? For a not-yet-one-year-old inquisitive little boy? For a almost 4 year old little girl that will not leave my side at gymnastics (even though we have gone every Tuesday for weeks!)? I just didn't know. The cost would almost double (kids have a cruise fare too - even little Luke!). Carl and I would spend most hours caring for both littles...and not get time to spend with each other. Sure, DCL offers kid clubs (but not for Luke's age) that do allow parents to spend a little away time. But there's no way Savannah would stay with a stranger...and Luke would required a babysitter, not a kid's club. So we'd pay to bring them, then have to pay someone to watch Luke while we ate dinner (still with Savannah). We want to do two different shore excursions (horseback riding in Cozumel, Mexico through Mayan ruins and snorkeling at Castaway Cay), but the horseback riding is for ages 12 and over...and the snorkeling wouldn't go so well with two littles who don't know how to swim yet! And while DCL is good about providing time for parents to get away (even though I've gone over the drawbacks in our situation), I don't think they allow you to leave your kids on the boat while you go ashore...I'm not sure that is their policy, but I certainly wouldn't leave my kids on a boat anyway!

So to take the kids would be kind of silly at this point in our lives. They wouldn't enjoy it nearly as much as a trip to WDW...which we are going on in 2014. That is a place to take them...there's so much to do for all ages...lots to keep them entertained...and remember, at that point Luke will be 2 1/2 and Savannah will be 5 1/2...they will enjoy shows and rides and parades. The cruise entertainment options include bingo, nightclubs, movies, shows...Luke most definitely won't sit through any of those...and Savannah only would a few times...not every night.

So am I a bad mom? Traveling without my littles? I tend to think it will make me a better mom - and a much better wife. Carl and I need to get away. We have had a rough 2012...numerous trips to the hospital (for good and bad reasons)...just so much stress and responsibility has been added to our lives in the past 10 months. We need time to recharge our batteries. One thing I'm excited about? To wake up on a "day at sea" day and eat my meals when I want, read a book by the pool, watch a movie, take a nap...all whenever I want. My kids will miss me, but they will be with Grandma (and Grandpa for at least a few of those days). Carl will have his work laptop with him for random check-ins...so I can keep up with Savannah and Luke too. I know they will be safe, sound, and comfortable at home...and they will get to spend some time with their grandparents. Carl and I have learned all too well this year that time with our parents is, unfortunately, not guaranteed.

So we are excited - really excited. Our vacation in 2013 is a selfish one, but one that we won't regret. Luke most certainly won't miss the trip...and I doubt Savannah will either. We will still travel to see family in 2013...and then in 2014 we will take Luke for his first time to WDW (and Carl and I just have to eat at Be Our Guest Restaurant!!). All while still using vacation savings...I love a great deal when I can find one!!

I know I will adore my 5 nights away...and I also know I'll miss my littles intensely...but in 18 years, when both of them are out the door (hopefully they become responsible, self-sufficient adults within 18-22 years), I want to still know, like, and LOVE the man I married.

Love. Love. LOVE.

This year has been a rough year. Lots of ups and downs and turn me arounds. Carl and I have contemplated all kinds of life changes - owning rental property, buying our own house, building our own house, working less, working more.

Throughout all of the drama and craziness, love prevails. Our love for our children and the lives we lead have gotten us through the rough patches. We still have a lot of decisions to make about our future and where we are headed, but for now we are content. Our little family is complete. Savannah and Luke have two parents that love them more than anything else in this world. They both see us working hard to provide for them. They are learning the value of earning a living. They are watching us grow as adults. They are able to see that while I am their mama forever, I am also an individual that is successful and happy with my career. I have the ability to do both. During the day they are able to bond with their grandmother - and I often have adorable phone conversations with Savannah (usually daily, sometimes bi-daily!). Carl and I are able to provide love, care, and comfort to our children...with the occasionally frivolous indulgence.

I love my kids - but I also realize that in 15 years (GASP!) Savannah will be moving out...soon to be followed by Luke. Who will I be then? Once my kids were born I went from being "Michelle" to being "Savannah's mom"...but who will I be when my kids are grown? That thought has been on my mind a lot recently. I want to be a person who loves where I am in life. I want to be someone my kids can confide in and appreciate. I want to become a friend, confidant, and mentor for Savannah and Luke. While I don't want to be a friend during the raising process, I do want the raising process to nurture a relationship in which I can be a friend in the adulthood time of my children's lives. I want phone conversations with Savannah to continue.

What will be my facebook statuses in 15 years? Almost all of my timeline is filled with events and little tidbits about my kids...but there is space on there about Carl and I...or even my career. I love, love, LOVE my kids. But I also love Carl. And myself. And who I dreamed of being when I was a child. I want to nourish those things as well.

So regardless of where my life leads me, my love for my kids can never be (and should never be) questioned by anyone else. I love them and want them to dream big and succeed. But if I don't also dream and achieve goals, aren't I then ignoring my own mother's dreams for me?

Split Personalities

Although I fully understood that Luke and Savannah would be different from each other, I kind of thought they would be similar. Honestly, they came from the same two parents - they should resemble one another somewhat!

But they are different. Savannah is shy, empathetic, and clever. Luke is just plain happy and outgoing - constantly.

Savannah amazes me with her ability to care for others. I saw some of her kindness before Luke came along. If I was ever upset or crying (death of a pet, miscarriage, etc.) she would see me, say "Oh I know!", then go and get all of her favorite toys and put them in my lap. She wanted so badly for me to feel okay. When she sees someone sad at the store, she appears so concerned. She just cares for other people so much. I love that she is naturally empathetic. I would like to say some of it is learned, but I don't know. I kind of think she was born to care for others. Recently Luke has been fighting naps. On several occasions I will sit in the nursery trying to get him to sleep while Savannah plays in her room. Multiple times she has brought her "wee rabbit" to Luke. She walks in without a word, hands him her lovey, walks out, and closes the door. I never, ever have or will ask her to share lovey with Luke. It is hers. That is the one thing that is for her only. Luke has his own lovey bear. But she knows that lovey makes her feel better and helps her...so she is sharing it to care for her brother.

She loves Luke. Although I know there will be days of fighting over toys and attention, there are so many moments that make my heart sing. Anytime someone teases about keeping Luke, she says that he is her brother and no one can have him. When we took her out for a big girl night without Luke, I asked her if we could just go home. She said, "No! We have to go get Luke!!". She just loves him. She loves hugging and kissing him. She loves feeding him. She loves tickling him. She loves everything about being a big sister and having Luke in her life. When she heard me tell him that he was getting a tooth in, Savannah said, "Now he can talk to me! Yay! Yay! Yay!". She is just as excited as we are for them to be able to converse and play together.

She does her have shy and stubborn side. She uses Carl and I as a crutch when she can to hide from being the center of attention. She is getting better, but there are times that I think she'd be fine if we just dropped her off at gymnastics and walked away. At the places she has to do things alone she is completely fine...but then when she's been allowed to hold our hands the whole time she is clingy. So she has an amazing heart, but is going to have to learn how to share it with the world.

Luke is just so different. He is constantly happy. He grins at everyone. He giggles over the smallest things. He is full force, in your face curious. He climbs on everything. He puts everything in his mouth. He has a hot temper for the occasions he's mad. He is a charmer. He isn't quite old enough for me to tell if he has the same feelings about helping others as Savannah does...but he certainly will be nice to everyone. (He's going to be a politician!)

Luke is going to cause more trouble and worry than Savannah ever did. We could tell her not to do something, leave something alone, sit down, eat this, etc. and she did it. She was just so acceptable to being good. Luke is different. He isn't going to intentionally be bad, but he is going to choose curiosity over the rules. He is going to push the limits and test our resolve to keep him safe and well-behaved. And he's going to be so darn cute that we're going to have a hard time sticking to our guns.

They are truly amazing. Babies and children are amazing, amazing gifts. Someone recently "unfriended" one of their friends because that friend posted a picture of her newborn "before it was cleaned up". Now I don't want to be the facebook police, but I was offended by her comment. It hurt. So while she is entitled to her opinion, I did share my thoughts (as a mother - she is not yet a mother). I just think that being able to share the images of a newborn baby with the world is a joy, honor, and praise to God for the miracle they are. I know what it feels like to have that anticipation and then lose the child. Babies are not guaranteed to make it here safe, so when they do, it is an amazing day to shout thank you to the heavens.

What to Expect (When You're Expecting)

No. I am NOT pregnant. Unless God suddenly decides we need a third little one running around, I will not be pregnant again. I am quite content with my two adorable little miracles.

Before reading on, if you haven't seen the movie "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and you want to see it and you don't want any part of it ruined or given away...you should hold off on reading this post until you have done so.

Carl and I had a movie night about 2 weeks ago (I know - it has been forever a while since I've posted. My life is crazy. Especially in September. So we had a movie night and I had really wanted to see the movie "What to Expect When You're Expecting". I thought the previews looked funny, and any show or movie that involves men and parenting kids always makes me laugh. So we rented it, got the kids in bed, picked out movie snacks, and snuggled in on the couch.

I want to say - great movie. I love the way they looked at so many different pregnancies and relationships and just how babies arrive in so many different ways. I love it. One of the pregnancies that was "followed" ended in miscarriage. I was so surprised at my reaction...I guess it should have been expected, but I was totally not expecting the tears that flowed so freely.

I think I must have been living in this post-baby bubble of joy with Luke that I had almost forgotten my miscarriages. I don't think it was ever really forgotten, but pushed to the back of my mind. Luke allowed me to see joy and be excited about a baby...I know I thought about it every so often, but it didn't really hit me so hard until I saw that movie.

I began thinking about how much Luke is growing and changing. His personality is really starting to shine through. He is such a flirt!! He will smile and grin and "talk" to anyone who smiles at him...and sometimes he doesn't need a smile, he'll just smile at you! He is most always happy (unless he's tired, hungry, or teething). He is learning to eat with his fingers, and he is crawling (!!!). Savannah didn't teethe or crawl until 9 months...and Luke started crawling a week ago...today he is 7 months old (!!!).

So while watching Luke achieve and bypass milestones it has really brought some unexpected feelings to the surface. I can't help but wonder about my other two children and what they would look like and be doing right now. When Carl's dad died, I had some solace in knowing that they were in heaven with Pap Pap - at least they aren't alone. It just has been rough recently. Unexpected.

Parenting Styles

Blame it on my terrible week. Blame it on my attitude. I don't care what you blame it on. I'm in a mood. I'm tired of seeing the world go to pot because of parents with such a free-spirited approach...and I think my anger has just been building.

I'd like to first say that I fully understand that every child is different (even children within the same family) and that parenting style and techniques will (and should to some degree) vary depending on the child. I also will be the first in line to tell you my children are absolutely NOT perfect. They misbehave, my methods aren't perfect, but they are always changing and learning.

So what has my knickers in a bunch? A lot. For starters, I took Savannah to the park on Monday. I had Luke in my lap and Savannah was playing on the big jungle gym equipment. There were about 5 other kids around with their parent/adult-in-charge/guardian...who knows. So Savannah had just gone down the slide and was on her way back to the ramp that leads to the "rickety" bridge that leads back to the slide. She was playing just like any other child. Well, a boy of about 10 had this brilliant idea to ride his bike up the ramp, onto the play equipment. Just as Savannah was about to round the corner to head up the ramp, the boy thought it'd be a great idea to ride his bike back down the ramp. So the "adult" said, "Jonny (no idea of his real name, wasn't really paying attention and I frankly don't care), that probably isn't a good idea, so this is the last time." And right after that I yelled to Savannah to stop in her tracks. Can you imagine how hurt BOTH children would have been had she been run over by a bicycle ON the playground equipment?! And the "adult" just glared at me for making a big deal and telling my child to stop. Honestly! If Savannah or Luke ever thinks riding bikes ON play equipment is a good idea, I certainly won't stand by and watch them do it, then say, "this is the last time" and then watch him/her almost run over a small child! And what gets me is that when the boy asked why he couldn't do it again, the "adult" just said that there were small children around. How about you can't do it EVER because it is dangerous for not only the small children, but for himself too!

Then there is this post I read today. Who the heck thinks allowing a child to use the restroom at the table is acceptable in a public place. Really, I know potty training is difficult. I just survived it. But when is it acceptable to allow manners and hygiene to be thrown to the wayside just so the parents' job is easier or so the child doesn't have an "accident" or whatever.

I'm tired of parents being proud that their homeschooled child (nothing against homeschooling itself, that's a whole other bunch of beans) can sleep until they are ready to get up, do what they want and then eventually learn something. It isn't that I hate homeschooling, or that I hate allowing a child a day here and there to sleep in, or that I think kids need to be adults right this second and wake up at the crack of dawn. What I am so frustrated with is the idea that the child runs the house. The child decides when to do things. The child isn't encouraged to function as most of society does. The child isn't shown a routine that happens in the business world. 'm all for allowing my kids to stay little for as long as I can keep them that way...to a point. By the time they are nearing the pre-teen and teenage years, I need to face the fact that in the next 5-10 years they will be moving out. They will be living on their own. They will be responsible for their own life. They need to be able to function in society (regardless if I like that society). Most professional jobs are 8-5; banks, courthouses, stores, etc. are all open at normal hours. College classes are offered during "normal" hours. So maybe these "set their own pace" kids aren't going to go to College...maybe they will do trade school, or no higher education. Those kids are still going to need to go to church on time, go the bank, the post office, etc. The world DOES NOT revolve around the children of today's society. It shouldn't. That is part of life. No one person is the most important in the world and can dictate when everyone else does things.

Maybe I'm sensitive to that issue because I work in higher education. I see students come in who were homeschooled (or even those who were allowed to do crazy shenanigans in public school) and they demand the entire university make changes for them. I help register students for classes in the summer. Do you know how many kids ask me if I can help them have a schedule where they only have class on Tuesday and Thursday so they can have a 4 day weekend? And then when that is pretty near impossible, they ask how many are online so they can just not come at all. Then they look on websites like "rateyourprofessor" to see which professors hand out "A"s like they are candy on Halloween. Then when they can't get exactly what they want, they ask me if I can have the class moved to fit their schedule. I always want to say, "Sure. I'll get right on that. I'm sure the other 23 students registered for the class won't mind switching to a time more convenient for you." Whatever happened to attending college for an education? For just accepting life and making changes? Do you know how many of students with that kind of outlook succeed? Very few.

I don't want my children to grow up too fast, but I also don't want to see them fall on their faces when they are out from under my wing. Again, I'm not saying my way is right. I know there will be moments when my way is wrong. I'm saying that parents need to take responsibility for teaching their children how to cope in the world we live in...whether we like that world or not.

Is it 2013 yet?

I certainly think 2013 just has to be a better year than 2012. It all started out in January when I wrecked the car while sliding down the mountain hill in our neighborhood. The in February, Luke was breech. Then he flipped. Then he took forever to get here. Then he was facing the wrong way during delivery. Then in March and April, my grandmother in Ohio became deathly ill (to which I just recently learned the doctor then gave her 6 months to live). Then in April Carl's mother had a stroke. Then in May my Granny had a heart attack. Then, in August, Carl's dad died. (And now, just days after my father-in-law's funeral, another family member had a stroke and was taken off life support [Carl's mother's cousin's husband, whom I had met several times.].)

The death of my father-in-law has been tough in so many ways. He had Huntington's Disease and COPD (from working in the mines for so many years). We watched Carl's uncle decline over a three year time period, all due to Huntington's. It was hard. By the time his uncle passed away, he was eating through a feeding tube and couldn't talk to a level of understanding. Carl's dad wasn't nearly close to that stage yet. He was eating regular food, he spoke to us clearly. We were under the impression that while he was sick and in a nursing home, we had time to spend with him still, and our last goodbye wasn't going to be our last goodbye. So on the 24th, when the nursing home called and said that he wasn't doing the best, Carl drove over to see him. When he returned home, Carl said it seemed like he was just dehydrated. Carl's sister went to visit the next day. Not one of us was thinking this was the end. Then, at 5:00am on Wednesday morning, we got the phone call. He had died in his sleep.

In some ways it was a blessing that the COPD took him in his sleep. It was peaceful, he didn't struggle. We didn't all have to watch him decline and suffer. In many other ways, it made this a shock and very difficult to handle. We knew it would come eventually...but we thought we'd have time to say goodbye.

Carl is dealing with a lot of guilt. He wishes we'd taken our kids up more often. (It has been hard with Luke...his immune system is still so little and nursing homes have so many germs. Savannah was afraid of the whole situation.) He wishes he'd said a better goodbye.

Savannah is still attempting to process everything and I think she will have many random questions in the months to come. We told her that Pap Pap was in heaven with Alex (My parents beloved dog that passed away a year ago.) So when we were on our way to church the day after the funeral, Savannah asked if Alex would be at church. We reminded her that he was in heaven. She said, "With Pap Pap?" and we told her yes. She then said that she thinks Alex welcomed Pap Pap with a big kiss on the nose. Then at church, when a group played a song dedicated to our family in grief, I told Savannah they were playing the song for Pap Pap, she asked, "Where's Pap Pap?"....so I know it will be a while before she really understands. It is hard to teach a child about death when they are so little. It hurts your heart. It also hurts to think Luke won't remember at all.

In addition to guilt, Carl is also dealing with a lot of questions. Huntington's Disease is genetic. He has a long line of family members with the disease. He has a 50/50 chance of having it. He doesn't know. His sister was tested and it was found that she has a very mild case that shouldn't affect her until she is much older. Yesterday I was cleaning and Luke was crying (which has been amazingly difficult to deal with during this week) and all of the sudden I heard Carl yelling at Luke. He was angry at him for crying. I ran down the stairs and told him to cut it out and he needed to leave the house for a while. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, Luke was crying in his bouncer and Carl was on the computer, playing some game. So I told him he was a selfish overgrown child and he needed to leave for a while.

After the argument, I felt badly for yelling at him when I know he's had a rough week...but yelling at an infant is inexcusable. So when we discussed things, after we had both calmed down a bit, he kept saying, "I am going to a doctor, I have Huntington's." When I asked why he is so convinced of this he said it's because he has a fixation on games and he is late in the mornings to work...and that I didn't grow up living in his house with his dad and how he got when he was fixated on things....and while I'm not a doctor, I do know that people are late and addicted to games and not all of them have Huntington's. I also have doubts about his reasoning because he isn't "crazy" or "mean" to anyone besides me and the kids. Huntington's Disease doesn't decide who to yell at. So I think some of it is just our marriage...our difference of opinion...the stress of the week...the stress of the year.

I know his dad's death has stirred up emotions and worries. It has for me too. The "what if" is always in my mind...but we are just supposed to trust God. I used to not care one way or the other as to whether he had it or not, or if he was tested. But now, I don't know. Maybe he should get tested. If he doesn't have it, then he can quit making excuses and grow up a bit. Forget the computer and take life by the horns. If he does have it, then we can develop a plan and talk to the doctors. The unknown is beginning to get difficult for everyone.

One thing is for sure - we need more bright spots in our lives and much, much less dark ones.

Big Girl Fun

Carl and I recently took a trip to Idlewild with Savannah - just Savannah. We left Luke with Grandma for the day. (He is too little to ride anything, would be hot and miserable thus making us hot and miserable, plus it was nice for Savannah to get time with us like it used to be.)

She amazed me. We were prepared to spend the entire day in Raccoon Lagoon, where all of the "kiddie" rides are located. Once inside the park, that idea quickly vanished. She instantly wanted to ride the Ferris Wheel , the Spider, the Howler, the Balloon Races, the Scrambler...all of which she was tall enough (over 38 inches!) to ride as long as Carl or I rode with her. She looked to be the youngest one on all of those rides, but she loved it all. She rode the Spider with me (lots of up, down, and spin around) and at one point I saw Carl motioning to ask if she was crying (she was pressed close against me)...I looked down to check. No crying - she was grinning! She was close to me because she couldn't scoot away due to all the gravity, etc. on her. When she rode the Scrambler, Carl could watch and he said her face was bright with grins and giggles the entire ride. I know she was laughing with me for most of the ride!

She was a brave girl and got in the wave pool too. We put her in a life jacket and waded in. She held my hand and Carl's hand and as the waves came she'd just jump into them. She played in the splash pad area and the kiddie pool...she did everything. There was minimal whining, lots of smiling, and lots of fun.

It was so wonderful to spend time with Savannah and Carl (and our very, very good friend Patrick {hes practically family!}). We all had such wonderful conversations and laughs and fun. Savannah enjoyed being the center of attention, even if just for one day. She could have us all to herself for a bit. It was such a gorgeous, stress-free day. It was one of those days that bits of pieces of the memories will last forever in my mind. I know the moments of silliness on the Scrambler will be tucked away in my mind for years to come...the sound of her laughter intermingled with mine, with carnival music in the background, a light warm breeze, the love of my life watching with adoring eyes...it was just truly magical (who says Disney owns the right to be a magical place?!)...it made coming home just a tad difficult. No one wanted the day to end. It was such an amazing day...I think Savannah will have those memories tucked away also.

I missed Luke a lot though...more than once I found myself thinking about him and wanting to cuddle him. I was tired, but happy to see he was waiting up for us when we got home. I got in to quality cuddle and tickle time with him before bed. He was so delighted to see us when we walked in. He didn't know I was home, so when I picked him up and turned him so he could see me, he just grinned at me. It melts your heart when your children are just SO happy to see you. I love him so much too.

I think yesterday cemented my need to be done having children. I cannot wait for Luke to be a little older and have days like yesterday with us. I am so excited to see both Savannah and Luke riding rides with us...and Carl and I splitting up and spending a little time with each child...for us to get to ride as a family...for us to just have fun together. The idea of the four of us doing things together is just so exciting and tempting...and pregnancy was so difficult when I had Luke. He wasn't particularly problematic, but I worried the entire time. I still catch myself fearing that it will all disappear, that I really didn't have another amazing little baby. I think even Carl may be growing out of the stage of having babies, to just enjoying our babies. We are settling into a new phase of our marriage...we delight in each other as adults now. We are more than just newlyweds...we've survived a lot of ups and downs. This year has had a lot of rough patches (car accidents, sick family, etc) but we have had a lot of bright spots...one of which is our marriage growing stronger.

Our family feels complete. We are happy. We love each other. We are a solid unit. Our trip to Idlewild was just the beginning of many, many beautiful memories in our little family's mind. I am so excited to create more!