Tough Questions

I realize it's been far too long since I wrote last...but my life (which is already pretty hectic) has been on overdrive during the holidays. (Imagine that - a household with two small children is busy over the holidays!) Our Christmas was magical with both kiddos...and for once I was awake when the ball dropped to signify the end of 2012 and the beginning of 2013. I haven't been to work since December 18th...I go back on Monday. I have enjoyed my time at home with the kids. I have bonded so much with Luke in the past few weeks. I really think he is at the age that I love the most. He plays with me but isn't old enough to truly get into trouble. So that sums it up - holidays were insanely busy, but full of wonderful memories.

My gift from Carl this year was a necklace and charm from Origami Owl. I designed it, but it was his gift to me. I absolutely adore this locket...I have a representation of all four of my kids next to my heart, all the time.

Luke and Savannah have their own little birthstone child, and then the two miscarriages are each represented by an angel. The day Savannah first saw this necklace, she asked me a really difficult question. My mom also has a locket, one that has angel wings inside. My mom had told her that the wings represented all the things we loved that had gone to heaven; for instance their dog Alex. So Savannah saw the girl charm and pointed herself out. Then she saw the boy charm, and pointed out that it was Luke. Then she saw the two angels. She looked at me and said, "What are those? Like for Alex?"

At that point I had to make a decision about what to say...so I choose the most honest but gentle answer. I told her that before Luke arrived, but after she was here, that mommy and daddy had wanted more babies. God had decided to keep both of those siblings with Him before they arrived...and then we got Luke. So those are her "angel siblings". She really seemed to understand and it was a way for me to share with her the idea that she has two more brothers or sisters waiting to meet her in heaven.

For the past few months I have been really thinking a lot about the miscarriages...and that without them I wouldn't have Luke. He is the most adorable and charming little boy...and if I had carried either of the other pregnancies to term, I wouldn't have him. I cannot imagine my life without either Savannah or Luke...so although we had quite the roller coaster ride to get our two kiddos, I am so, so, so blessed.