Friday, May 10, 2013

Mother, Mother, Mother

Since Mother's Day is two days away, it seems appropriate that just about everything on my mind lately is related to being a mom, and just what that means. My life has seemed to be upside down recently...a lot of drama that has really prompted me to stop and thinking deeply about what it means to be a mother. Last week, Carl and I found out that a mother we know, reasonably well, had a daughter that was capable of doing something very, very, very bad. Her daughter will most likely be in prison for quite a while. Her juvenile daughter. It was so sad when I heard the news. I kept thinking, "but she is such a good mom, how can her child do this? What is to say Savannah wouldn't do this? I'm a good mom too!". It made my heart hurt for the mother, because I know she is a good person, and she raised her daughter to be a good person. But things went awry.

I was talking with a coworker about the situation, and she said she knew a family that had the same type of thing happen. The son got in trouble with some drugs, got mixed up with the wrong people. The mother sent him to another town for a while to keep him safe. The boy returned on his own, saw the guy he'd had trouble with, and while on a high, shot at the man. He ended up killing a little girl. That son is now in prison. For life. And the mom did everything she could to raise a respectable young man! And she is a good person! And she tried to help her son out of the situation! It is just so scary and awful.

How do I know that I'm doing the right things? That my kids will grow up to be great people? What is even more scary to me is that those two instances are about children who came from loving families. What about all those kids that are being raised in a family that is not at peace?!

I think about how my life has changed in the past few years since I've become a mother. The news effects me more...yesterday a student brought a gun to one of the local high schools (my own alma mater!) and was thankfully apprehended, and it isn't quite apparent if he'd meant harm or not. But my kids will be in that school in 10 years! I have heard people say this is why they don't want kids...but really, I wouldn't change my mind about having kids, ever. I don't know what they will become. That is scary in a lot of ways...what if they stray like the others? But they also might become someone great - someone who changes the world, makes a difference, or leads groups to greatness. I have no idea. I am only here to guide them along the right path now, and trust God to help them along the way. And if they falter, I'm the one to pick them up, dust them off, and put them back on the right path.

It's a lot of work being a mom. A lot. Not only is it my job to train these miniature people about living life, and being responsible, and making a difference, but I also have to make sure I clean up as they go. Luke has raised my tolerance for a messy house to an all new level. He is just the absolute definition of a boy. Noise with dirt on it. Gosh he needs a bath just about every time he eats! The other day we visited a good friend who recently had her second child, a boy. He is so calm. He is so different than Luke. My other good friend also just had a boy. Again, a calm, easy going boy. I have recently found myself wondering, how did I get stuck with the crazy one? Why do my kids leave handprints everywhere (honestly the house with the new baby had no handprints on any appliances or windows!)? We does my son insist on being "Destructo" and climb everything and scream loudly? Why does Savannah insist on becoming a hellion when we're in large crowds (not running everywhere, but clingly desperately to us making everything a million times more difficult)? But ya know, my kids might not be the cleanest (and certainly my house isn't!), but I love them. They are mine. They are genuinely kind-hearted. I wouldn't trade them for anything. The miscarriages were awful and hurt me in so many ways...but without them I wouldn't have Luke. He is just about the most adorable flirt I've ever seen. I wouldn't ever give up the opportunity to have met him.

So it's tough. My house isn't clean all the time (or hardly ever anymore). My life is busy (too much!). There are days that I feel like I go to work, come home, clean up, make dinner, handle bath time, then bedtime, then more cleaning. (Or packing for trips or looking at land or houses, or taking Carl's mom somewhere, or going to church meetings...) And at some point I get to sleep. There are no breaks. There isn't "me" time. It's just surviving and trying to enjoy the ride.