Relief and Closure

The past three days have been a whirlwind...some of which I don't remember all too well. There's a bit of history behind it all...Miscarriage #2 on 1/27, then by 2/4 everything seemed to be back to normal physically. Then on 2/14 (great timing huh?!) my body seemed to rebel and the spotting was back...continuously. On the 11th day of spotting (Thursday) I saw the doctor. I had an ultrasound done the day before and it was hard to tell what was causing all the trouble. She said it was very, very small...but since the medicine didn't seem to help before we should just schedule a D&C...and it was scheduled for the very next day (which was yesterday).

Carl and I did a lot of shopping on Thursday...I needed a mental distraction and I always wanted to feel like I had the house in order before leaving for surgery on Friday morning...I was scared too. The idea of leaving Savannah and heading to the hospital to be put to sleep and going through surgery...it was terrifying. I kept thinking, "What if something happens? Savannah needs a mom."

We were scheduled to arrive at 11:30am and then the procedure was supposed to be at 1:00pm. So we left Savannah at my mom's...leaving her was really hard. I left in an upbeat mood so she wouldn't be scared or worry, but I cried in the car...it was so very difficult.

Once we arrived I was relieved to find that my nurse was a friend from high school. She took such good care of me, and it was just so much more comforting to have a familiar face nearby at the times Carl wasn't allowed to be. My surgery ended up delayed by about 3 hours, so we spent quite a bit of time waiting...but it was nice to watch TV and just chat with Carl. Near the end of waiting I began to get really nervous...the waiting just allowed all the scary thoughts to loom. Finally when it was time to get moving I told the anesthetist that I was somewhat nervous, so he gave me a light anti-anxiety drug in my IV and I instantly felt much better. I think it must have made me a bit loopy, because I'm sure I gave Carl a kiss before being wheeled out to the OR, but I can't remember it at all. I remember being in my room and I remember being in the OR, but I don't remember the trip down the hall at all. Once in the OR I was talking with my nurse about bedding (the OR was cold and I was saying how I like a down comforter even in the summer) and then I must have just fallen into my sleep...that doctor was very good at what he does. I didn't fear it or fight it. I woke up just as we were getting ready to leave the OR and I didn't really feel any pain or loopy or anything. I remember hearing Carl's voice in the hallway as they wheeled me back to my room...and within 10-15 minutes I was totally with it again.

I think in the end Carl was more nervous than I was. He said he went to the gift shop to buy me a candy bar (I was starving...I hadn't eaten since 10p the night before - doctor's orders)...and then he just couldn't sit still so he stood outside the OR doors waiting for me...I'm glad he was there for me and I know it must have been a really long day for him as well.

So now it is finally all over. I was surprised by how much crying I did yesterday. It's been 4 weeks since the miscarriage, but it's like the stress and worry and physical ailments have really put a stress on my emotionally. I hadn't really faced the true end and hadn't really had the relief of closing those doors and moving on. I have had some small anxiety issues over the past week...and I truly think (in addition to my Type A personality) the miscarriage added to a lot of that. I was constantly worried about being broken or sick or seriously un-healthy...and the spotting didn't help one bit. It's like I was just waiting for it to all end. So now I'm still sad about things, but not overwhelming worried or constantly watching for a health issue. After all the bloodwork and testing I was put through this week, it all has pretty much shown that I'm healthy. All the levels are where they should be, my blood pressure is great, my blood oxygen level is normal, my glucose is normal....I am normal. I may never know why I've miscarried twice, or I might find out some more in the future, but for now I'm healthy and the door can finally be closed on this chapter.

While I was in surgery, the doctor that I saw when I was pregnant with Savannah happened to see Carl and asked why he was there (because of some kind of scheduling thing I was put with a different doctor throughout this miscarriage). So then when it was time to schedule my post-op appointment in two weeks I am back with my original doctor. I think that suits me well. She knows me and how I worry a lot...and I'll make sure to tell her about my anxiety and discuss things to start searching for answer wise. I hate the idea of taking medication, but there are some anti-anxiety meds out there that are safe for pregnant women....I hate that idea, but I also think all the worry can put a stress on my body. That stress can't be good for trying to get (and stay) pregnant. I hope to only take medicine for a small amount of time...and maybe I'll be off of it before I even get pregnant again...but mentally I have to face that I need a bit of help...just to get through the rough patch right now.

I am so grateful for all the love and support of all of my friends and family...Carl has been my rock. I am reminded daily of all the love that surrounds me, and I just know in my heart that I'm not done giving my love away either...there's still room in my heart for another child...somehow it will happen.

Rare Chance to Brag...

Some days I think I'm raising a monster...often that thought arises during meals. I can't blame her, really. She gets the independent stubborn streak from me...

I was telling a coworker...well, okay, I'll be honest...I was bragging to a coworker about what an angel Savannah was yesterday while out shopping...she suggested I write it down because you don't get many days like that from toddlers! So that is just what I intend to do...

We left the house in a rush yesterday...breakfast was cheerio's in a snack cup with a sippy full of milk - to go. We picked up my parents and headed to the outlets. Savannah chatted on the way up...she loves to impress her Grandpa. He was counting something and stopped at four, and Savannah looked at him and said "Five." She is quite the counter! We arrived at the outlets around 9:45am...and shopped for 2 1/2 hours...she walked around with her Minnie Mouse backpack leash (I hate to say I "leashed" my child...but she often wears that around the house and really enjoys "carrying" Minnie...plus she is safe!) She particularly liked the clothing stores and the shoe stores. I bought her a ton of clothes and shoes...and such beautiful dresses!

By 12:15 it was an hour past lunch time and we were finally headed to eat lunch. She sat in her seat at the table and colored and was so patient while we waited for her food. I brought a snack in for her, but she didn't want a snack....she just wanted to color. When her lunch did come she ate 2 chicken strips, all of her oranges, 4 crackers, and some of my french fries. No crying, no throwing...just eating and being good.

After lunch we made a quick stop at Kohl's and I found a beautiful Easter dress and a few clearance shirts for me. Savannah was in the dressing room with me while I was trying on my shirts and I would ask if she liked one and she'd say "yes" or tell me the color of it...and she just watched me or looked at herself in the mirror. I can't wait to shop with her as she gets older and starts trying things on and asking for my opinion!

We were on the road home around 2:15p and before long she was sound asleep. She was such a wonderful little girl yesterday...she survived marathon shopping, a late lunch, a late nap, yucky weather...all without a meltdown. I was so thrilled!

I know those days will be few and far between...they always are with a toddler. But when you have such a good day it's important to recognize them, write them down, and store them away for the inevitable days that life will be completely opposite. I know in the near future I'll need a little reminder that my monster can be an angel...and now I'll have that little reminder.

An Ode to My Valentine(s)

I have to admit - I hate that single people call today "Singles Awareness Day". Maybe I would feel differently if I were single...I don't know. Today is a day to honor those in your life that you love. Single people can enjoy this day just as much as those who are coupled...your Valentine can be anyone you love and appreciate. So to honor those I love...

My husband. My soul mate. My confidant. My support. Nine years ago today we began our journey. New York City will always hold a special place in our hearts. When asking that fateful question "Will you be my girlfriend?" high above the Big Apple, we didn't know what joys and sorrows awaited us. It is today that we celebrate sharing 1/3 of our lives together. Over the past nine years we have relished so many joys...

Carl's Prom


My Prom


Our Engagement


Sharing the Love through Mission Work


Our First Married Kiss


Our Honeymoon


Our First House


The Birth of Our Beautiful Miracle, Savannah


The Beginning of Many Family Vacation Memories


Amidst all of the joys we have also suffered great tragedies. Shortly before we were engaged Carl's last grandparent passed away. We both went through ups and downs in college...the stress of finding jobs in the same location...the stress of my thesis...Carl's uncle passing away in 2010...and most recently, suffering through two miscarriages in 6 months. Each sorrow brings us closer together and more appreciative of the other. If we are never blessed with another child, we will still have each other's love to keep us going. I love Carl with all of my heart...well, since April of 2009 he has had to share some of that space with my other Valentine. My little Savannah. She is truly one of the greatest joys in my life. Amidst all of the whining and temper tantrums, I love her dearly. She brings such merriment to our lives. I pray that she will always view our home as a loving and safe place to rest her head. Carl and I have enjoyed such a beautiful time together...hopefully there are many more years and joys to come our way.

Kidding Myself

Some days are wonderful...other days I wonder how I keep kidding myself. Sunday was a really rough day for me. I thought I would be fine returning to church. I purposely skipped church on the 30th since that had been our original "reveal" day. We were even going to surprise everyone at the same time (including our family) and announce the news during church. We wanted to share our joy with our extended family...and then there was no joy, just a concern. So I knew church on the 30th wouldn't be a good idea.

I had a really great day on Saturday, and got a lot of cleaning done. Cleaning makes me happy. An organized, clean house makes me happy. Savannah and I had a fun day. Carl and I had a fun day. So on Sunday morning it was just natural to go to church. I should have known when I walked in that it would be a rough morning. It seemed like there were babies everywhere. While I have seen pictures and TV commercials with babies, I hadn't really been near a tiny baby up close yet. Then came the time for joys and concerns...and the pastor's prayer. He prayed about us asking God "why" and how it's okay to be angry or frustrated with God...pretty much exactly how I felt. After trying to stifle tears, came a baptism...another really difficult thing for me...I just want to be in that position so badly! I want to stand up at church and commit to raise another child in the church. It was just all very hard to be a bystander that day.

Tuesday was hard again...just thinking about what could be, and if it ever will be. We spoke with the pastor some and it made me sad again...but I know our lives will be what God determines.

Last night Carl and I watched one of my favorite shows (even if it is hard for me to watch - I just love it so much), "One Born Every Minute". This show really is a real show about the fears, joys, concerns, amusements, etc. of having a baby. I love it. Carl and I watch it together and laugh and cry at some of the most true moments. We often pause it to talk about Savannah's birth and how the one we're watching is similar or different. I just love that show. Tuesday night's episode (we watched on Tivo last night) was extremely touching and scary...and it just made me want to have the experience of another child so badly. I want to experience the pregnancy again...the joys of the big belly, the excitement of arriving at the hospital, the planning, the look on Savannah's face when she holds a little brother or sister....I just really want to experience that again.

Now I have to be patient. I've looked up all kinds of statistics on multiple miscarriages...some are conflicting and really it's hard to know the truth without actually talking to my doctor. I've read that only 1% of women suffer 3 or more consecutive miscarriages. That sounds good for me...that means a 99% chance that I won't be one of those women, right? But then I read that 60-70% of women have successful pregnancies after multiple miscarriages. So the numbers aren't entirely matching up, which is often the case with statistics...each number speaks to a specific scenario. We don't know where I stand. If the blood tests and ultrasound reveal something at the end of March, I probably stand a good chance of a successful pregnancy with some intervention...but what if those tests reveal nothing? I could still stand a great chance of a successful pregnancy (as the doctor said, some things are just not explainable) or I could be one of those 1% of women. I just won't know more until March...so now I wait.

Waiting is hard. Really it has become a personal purgatory. I know I have to wait to hear any kind of answer...but I may not get an answer even after all the waiting. I'm in limbo. Each day I wake up wishing the last month has been a nightmare, that there has been some mistake, that this can't really be happening in my life...but the reality is that this IS my life. The next 7 weeks will be hard for me...and I am hoping that as the weeks go by the number of down days decrease. This week really has been up and then down and then up and then down...and that really stinks.

I am going to try to find some fun things to fill my time with (like Savannah's birthday party planning!) and rejoice in the life I have...and hope to hear good news in 7 weeks.

Sunshine and Minnie Mouse

The past week has been a personal hell...but I have survived. I have found there are so many people out there supporting me and loving me and praying for me. It is because of those people that today I can say I am happy with the blessings I have. My path has been full of potholes recently, but it is the path God led me down, so it can't have any potholes that will suck me in.

I have had a lot of people tell me how "strong" I am. I don't think it's me that is strong...it's my faith that is strong. I believe in God, I believe He won't lead me down any path that won't turn out in His glory. My dad struggled with this miscarriage (more than I expected). He asked, "How can this happen to them when Carl and Michelle do so much for others?". I can't answer that, but I know God knows the answer. Maybe it will make us appreciate what we have more, or maybe it will help me on a future mission trip, or maybe I will meet someone incredibly depressed over miscarriage and I can connect...I don't know, but I do know that God is in control and I am not.

Going to work yesterday seemed like a daunting idea...but once I made it home I was so glad I had gone. I have a wealth of support from my co-workers. They also make me smile and laugh. I was back into a routine, a normalcy. I was so surprisingly "myself" that after work I took Savannah shopping...alone. I even was brave enough to shop at two stores, near dinner time, after I knew she was in a cranky mood. (Goldfish solve a lot of toddler problems - if only it worked for adult problems!) It felt good to walk briskly through a store (walking at all was a tiring experience earlier this week) and have a toddler chattering at my side. The sun was shining, the roads were dry...I could be out and about without having to feel like a hermit. It was so refreshing. The sunshine today is yet another blessing...it is like God's little gift for me. I can't have a baby quite yet, but I can have the glorious sun for two days...a little break from my winter sadness.

So physically I am almost back to normal...and by the end of the weekend I hope to be completely there. The sun has brought back my optimistic, smiley self. I felt so content last night at dinner...Carl and I even shared a few jokes and stories from the day. It was nice. We haven't forgotten the past week, but we have accepted it and allowed God to lead us.

I've thought a lot about "what if I miscarry a third time?" in the past 24 hours. I've decided that if I miscarry again, we'll just try again. It will be yet another week of sadness and pain, but I will go through a thousand of those weeks if just once I am granted another healthy baby. I won't stop trying until my doctor says it is no longer safe. I have Savannah and am eternally grateful for her, but I want her to have a sibling, I want another child to love. I will try until it would jeopardize my health and time with Savannah...and that's that.

My path does approach a fork in the road this summer...both directions are wonderful, unique journeys. I intend to be happy and blessed with the journey God picks...both paths will have happiness, sadness, easy times, and rough times...but it is up to me to make the best of what God gives us. I still fear the path that means no more children...I fear it a lot. Just the thought of it makes my heart stop beating for a second...like an all consuming dread. For now I will trust that if I do walk that path, God will be at my side and guiding me. As I've been writing these words, I've discovered that the path of no more children will have to be walked at some point...I can't have children forever. I really do think the fear of that path will be there now, or after I have 10 kids. I think the fear will be the same intensity and it will bring the same sadness. I am still young, there are so many paths to choose from. If I have no more children, I'll only be 42 when Savannah graduates high school....I will still have (hopefully) half my life to achieve other goals (my most exciting goal has always been to be a mom). I will be a young grandma and be able to enjoy grandchildren...or I could have triplets next. God knows what He's doing and for now I'm enjoying the sunshine!

So like the sunshine parting the clouds, my spirits are being lifted daily. I woke up this morning with a desire to clean. I feel like spring cleaning. So, today, after work I will go home and clean all the bathrooms. Then I will wash the windows. Then I will scrub the cabinets. Then I will mop. Then I will strip the beds and wash the linens. Then vacuum the beds. Then vacuum along all the baseboards. Then I will dust. Then I will put things in the attic. Then I will organize the nursery. Well...I will start my cleaning whirlwind tonight and I'm sure it will carry into tomorrow...but I will be so happy with a clean house. If only it was 60 degrees out so I could open the windows and get the fresh air inside...I'll have to wait a bit for that.

So another product of my much sunnier mood? I have begun working on Savannah's 2nd Birthday. We are having a Minnie themed party on a Sunday afternoon. I hope to make some of the decorations this weekend, but last night I made a trial-run invite. It definitely turned out just as I had imagined it...I am going to do a trial-run of the cupcakes on Sunday too. I hope those turn out as cute as the invite!

Putting the Pieces Back Together

On Monday I had my follow-up appointment with the doctor. She did confirm that my progesterone level was extremely low. I asked if that is what caused the miscarriage, or if it was low because the baby stopped developing 2 weeks prior, and she said it could have been either one and there is no way to know which was the truth. So that was good and bad news for me. It gives me hope that maybe that was the cause, and the next time I begin trying it can be remedied. But it could just be false hopes.

The doctor also laid out a plan for me (which as you know totally suits me - I need a plan in order to stay calm!). The 24th of March I return for a baseline ultrasound. The doctor just wants some idea about what everything is like, before a pregnancy. Then on the 31st I return for an appointment with the doctor, a full blood screening (for all types of issues, including blood clotting), and for the prescription for a progesterone supplement. I am officially cleared for pregnancy again in April, but I want to visit my granny in Alabama so badly...and I want to enjoy that trip without worrying about anything. So I will begin taking the hormone in April (along with my continued prescription of prenatal vitamins now) so that hopes are a pregnancy beginning in May. So I have a plan and a doctor that is committed to do her best to figure out why I can't keep a pregnancy.

The not so fun part of my appointment included an exam that revealed that everything wasn't quite right. The doctor then used a few instruments to assist the process...and that was painful...extremely. After that I was put on some medicine to force cramping, and an anti-biotic, and a pain med. The first medication really upset my stomach...so I was away from work for two more days. The pain is gone now, and I finally feel somewhat back to normal...but I think it will take another week to feel fully normal - at least physically.

The emotional side of things might take more time. I'm sad, disappointed, and really just not sure why this has happened twice. After watching a new show ("One Born Every Minute" - highly recommend it, on Lifetime, hilarious, happy, sad, great show so far) I really began to think about how much I took things for granted. I had such a healthy pregnancy with Savannah...no issues of concern. I walked into the hospital like I knew what I was doing, that everything would be fine, delivered a baby like I do it every day, didn't have any doctors rushing around or nurses or surgeries...I was a calm (but tired and in pain) mom. I had a baby so easily...everything went just as it should without any scares...but pregnancy is not a walk in the park...things don't always go that way...they often don't go that way! And here I was thinking that it would be so easy every time...I truly was blessed with such an easy pregnancy and delivery. Now I know that if I am able to carry another pregnancy to term I will be one of those worried moms until delivery. I will ask the doctors questions, read up on procedures, be proactive about the birth plan...I won't take anything for granted.

While a lot of what I've written about sounds like my emotional health is strong...there are moments I break down into a mess of tears. It often happens at the strangest times too. I have decided to organize the nursery and Savannah's old clothes sometime soon (once I'm physically back to myself). Some people just think that is crazy...how can I look at all those baby clothes?! But for me it will just be a calming, organizational process...I just don't think it will make me sad. It will be an outward sign that I truly believe God will give us another child someday. So that doesn't make me cry...but then driving down the interstate a car passed me with the flashers on. That made me break into tears! Something so completely normal, neutral from my life, made me cry. I instantly thought, "I bet they are on their way to the hospital to have a baby." Do I know that was the case? No. I just assumed it, and it made me long for that day that Carl and I hurry to the hospital again. Those moments are hard. I was in the shower the other day and suddenly thought "what if I miscarry a third time?" and it made me cry to think it. I have been tricking myself into believing that the doctor will find the problem and have a solution to fix it...but life isn't like that...it's very possible we won't ever have an answer...so then what? I just try again and possibly experience this pain a third time...how many times do I keep trying? How much can my body take? There are just so many questions that I can't answer...and for a planner and control freak...that is hard. Our lives will be changing this summer...we will hit a fork in the road. I will either successfully get pregnant and keep the pregnancy...or I won't. It's up to us how we travel the path the God directs us in.