Kidding Myself

Some days are wonderful...other days I wonder how I keep kidding myself. Sunday was a really rough day for me. I thought I would be fine returning to church. I purposely skipped church on the 30th since that had been our original "reveal" day. We were even going to surprise everyone at the same time (including our family) and announce the news during church. We wanted to share our joy with our extended family...and then there was no joy, just a concern. So I knew church on the 30th wouldn't be a good idea.

I had a really great day on Saturday, and got a lot of cleaning done. Cleaning makes me happy. An organized, clean house makes me happy. Savannah and I had a fun day. Carl and I had a fun day. So on Sunday morning it was just natural to go to church. I should have known when I walked in that it would be a rough morning. It seemed like there were babies everywhere. While I have seen pictures and TV commercials with babies, I hadn't really been near a tiny baby up close yet. Then came the time for joys and concerns...and the pastor's prayer. He prayed about us asking God "why" and how it's okay to be angry or frustrated with God...pretty much exactly how I felt. After trying to stifle tears, came a baptism...another really difficult thing for me...I just want to be in that position so badly! I want to stand up at church and commit to raise another child in the church. It was just all very hard to be a bystander that day.

Tuesday was hard again...just thinking about what could be, and if it ever will be. We spoke with the pastor some and it made me sad again...but I know our lives will be what God determines.

Last night Carl and I watched one of my favorite shows (even if it is hard for me to watch - I just love it so much), "One Born Every Minute". This show really is a real show about the fears, joys, concerns, amusements, etc. of having a baby. I love it. Carl and I watch it together and laugh and cry at some of the most true moments. We often pause it to talk about Savannah's birth and how the one we're watching is similar or different. I just love that show. Tuesday night's episode (we watched on Tivo last night) was extremely touching and scary...and it just made me want to have the experience of another child so badly. I want to experience the pregnancy again...the joys of the big belly, the excitement of arriving at the hospital, the planning, the look on Savannah's face when she holds a little brother or sister....I just really want to experience that again.

Now I have to be patient. I've looked up all kinds of statistics on multiple miscarriages...some are conflicting and really it's hard to know the truth without actually talking to my doctor. I've read that only 1% of women suffer 3 or more consecutive miscarriages. That sounds good for me...that means a 99% chance that I won't be one of those women, right? But then I read that 60-70% of women have successful pregnancies after multiple miscarriages. So the numbers aren't entirely matching up, which is often the case with statistics...each number speaks to a specific scenario. We don't know where I stand. If the blood tests and ultrasound reveal something at the end of March, I probably stand a good chance of a successful pregnancy with some intervention...but what if those tests reveal nothing? I could still stand a great chance of a successful pregnancy (as the doctor said, some things are just not explainable) or I could be one of those 1% of women. I just won't know more until March...so now I wait.

Waiting is hard. Really it has become a personal purgatory. I know I have to wait to hear any kind of answer...but I may not get an answer even after all the waiting. I'm in limbo. Each day I wake up wishing the last month has been a nightmare, that there has been some mistake, that this can't really be happening in my life...but the reality is that this IS my life. The next 7 weeks will be hard for me...and I am hoping that as the weeks go by the number of down days decrease. This week really has been up and then down and then up and then down...and that really stinks.

I am going to try to find some fun things to fill my time with (like Savannah's birthday party planning!) and rejoice in the life I have...and hope to hear good news in 7 weeks.