On Monday I had my follow-up appointment with the doctor. She did confirm that my progesterone level was extremely low. I asked if that is what caused the miscarriage, or if it was low because the baby stopped developing 2 weeks prior, and she said it could have been either one and there is no way to know which was the truth. So that was good and bad news for me. It gives me hope that maybe that was the cause, and the next time I begin trying it can be remedied. But it could just be false hopes.
The doctor also laid out a plan for me (which as you know totally suits me - I need a plan in order to stay calm!). The 24th of March I return for a baseline ultrasound. The doctor just wants some idea about what everything is like, before a pregnancy. Then on the 31st I return for an appointment with the doctor, a full blood screening (for all types of issues, including blood clotting), and for the prescription for a progesterone supplement. I am officially cleared for pregnancy again in April, but I want to visit my granny in Alabama so badly...and I want to enjoy that trip without worrying about anything. So I will begin taking the hormone in April (along with my continued prescription of prenatal vitamins now) so that hopes are a pregnancy beginning in May. So I have a plan and a doctor that is committed to do her best to figure out why I can't keep a pregnancy.
The not so fun part of my appointment included an exam that revealed that everything wasn't quite right. The doctor then used a few instruments to assist the process...and that was painful...extremely. After that I was put on some medicine to force cramping, and an anti-biotic, and a pain med. The first medication really upset my stomach...so I was away from work for two more days. The pain is gone now, and I finally feel somewhat back to normal...but I think it will take another week to feel fully normal - at least physically.
The emotional side of things might take more time. I'm sad, disappointed, and really just not sure why this has happened twice. After watching a new show ("One Born Every Minute" - highly recommend it, on Lifetime, hilarious, happy, sad, great show so far) I really began to think about how much I took things for granted. I had such a healthy pregnancy with Savannah...no issues of concern. I walked into the hospital like I knew what I was doing, that everything would be fine, delivered a baby like I do it every day, didn't have any doctors rushing around or nurses or surgeries...I was a calm (but tired and in pain) mom. I had a baby so easily...everything went just as it should without any scares...but pregnancy is not a walk in the park...things don't always go that way...they often don't go that way! And here I was thinking that it would be so easy every time...I truly was blessed with such an easy pregnancy and delivery. Now I know that if I am able to carry another pregnancy to term I will be one of those worried moms until delivery. I will ask the doctors questions, read up on procedures, be proactive about the birth plan...I won't take anything for granted.
While a lot of what I've written about sounds like my emotional health is strong...there are moments I break down into a mess of tears. It often happens at the strangest times too. I have decided to organize the nursery and Savannah's old clothes sometime soon (once I'm physically back to myself). Some people just think that is crazy...how can I look at all those baby clothes?! But for me it will just be a calming, organizational process...I just don't think it will make me sad. It will be an outward sign that I truly believe God will give us another child someday. So that doesn't make me cry...but then driving down the interstate a car passed me with the flashers on. That made me break into tears! Something so completely normal, neutral from my life, made me cry. I instantly thought, "I bet they are on their way to the hospital to have a baby." Do I know that was the case? No. I just assumed it, and it made me long for that day that Carl and I hurry to the hospital again. Those moments are hard. I was in the shower the other day and suddenly thought "what if I miscarry a third time?" and it made me cry to think it. I have been tricking myself into believing that the doctor will find the problem and have a solution to fix it...but life isn't like that...it's very possible we won't ever have an answer...so then what? I just try again and possibly experience this pain a third time...how many times do I keep trying? How much can my body take? There are just so many questions that I can't answer...and for a planner and control freak...that is hard. Our lives will be changing this summer...we will hit a fork in the road. I will either successfully get pregnant and keep the pregnancy...or I won't. It's up to us how we travel the path the God directs us in.
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