I have had a lot of people tell me how "strong" I am. I don't think it's me that is strong...it's my faith that is strong. I believe in God, I believe He won't lead me down any path that won't turn out in His glory. My dad struggled with this miscarriage (more than I expected). He asked, "How can this happen to them when Carl and Michelle do so much for others?". I can't answer that, but I know God knows the answer. Maybe it will make us appreciate what we have more, or maybe it will help me on a future mission trip, or maybe I will meet someone incredibly depressed over miscarriage and I can connect...I don't know, but I do know that God is in control and I am not.
Going to work yesterday seemed like a daunting idea...but once I made it home I was so glad I had gone. I have a wealth of support from my co-workers. They also make me smile and laugh. I was back into a routine, a normalcy. I was so surprisingly "myself" that after work I took Savannah shopping...alone. I even was brave enough to shop at two stores, near dinner time, after I knew she was in a cranky mood. (Goldfish solve a lot of toddler problems - if only it worked for adult problems!) It felt good to walk briskly through a store (walking at all was a tiring experience earlier this week) and have a toddler chattering at my side. The sun was shining, the roads were dry...I could be out and about without having to feel like a hermit. It was so refreshing. The sunshine today is yet another blessing...it is like God's little gift for me. I can't have a baby quite yet, but I can have the glorious sun for two days...a little break from my winter sadness.
So physically I am almost back to normal...and by the end of the weekend I hope to be completely there. The sun has brought back my optimistic, smiley self. I felt so content last night at dinner...Carl and I even shared a few jokes and stories from the day. It was nice. We haven't forgotten the past week, but we have accepted it and allowed God to lead us.
I've thought a lot about "what if I miscarry a third time?" in the past 24 hours. I've decided that if I miscarry again, we'll just try again. It will be yet another week of sadness and pain, but I will go through a thousand of those weeks if just once I am granted another healthy baby. I won't stop trying until my doctor says it is no longer safe. I have Savannah and am eternally grateful for her, but I want her to have a sibling, I want another child to love. I will try until it would jeopardize my health and time with Savannah...and that's that.
My path does approach a fork in the road this summer...both directions are wonderful, unique journeys. I intend to be happy and blessed with the journey God picks...both paths will have happiness, sadness, easy times, and rough times...but it is up to me to make the best of what God gives us. I still fear the path that means no more children...I fear it a lot. Just the thought of it makes my heart stop beating for a second...like an all consuming dread. For now I will trust that if I do walk that path, God will be at my side and guiding me. As I've been writing these words, I've discovered that the path of no more children will have to be walked at some point...I can't have children forever. I really do think the fear of that path will be there now, or after I have 10 kids. I think the fear will be the same intensity and it will bring the same sadness. I am still young, there are so many paths to choose from. If I have no more children, I'll only be 42 when Savannah graduates high school....I will still have (hopefully) half my life to achieve other goals (my most exciting goal has always been to be a mom). I will be a young grandma and be able to enjoy grandchildren...or I could have triplets next. God knows what He's doing and for now I'm enjoying the sunshine!
So like the sunshine parting the clouds, my spirits are being lifted daily. I woke up this morning with a desire to clean. I feel like spring cleaning. So, today, after work I will go home and clean all the bathrooms. Then I will wash the windows. Then I will scrub the cabinets. Then I will mop. Then I will strip the beds and wash the linens. Then vacuum the beds. Then vacuum along all the baseboards. Then I will dust. Then I will put things in the attic. Then I will organize the nursery. Well...I will start my cleaning whirlwind tonight and I'm sure it will carry into tomorrow...but I will be so happy with a clean house. If only it was 60 degrees out so I could open the windows and get the fresh air inside...I'll have to wait a bit for that.
So another product of my much sunnier mood? I have begun working on Savannah's 2nd Birthday. We are having a Minnie themed party on a Sunday afternoon. I hope to make some of the decorations this weekend, but last night I made a trial-run invite. It definitely turned out just as I had imagined it...I am going to do a trial-run of the cupcakes on Sunday too. I hope those turn out as cute as the invite!
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