Puppy Class!

Tonight is a big step for our little gal, Hope. She attends her very first puppy class. I see this as a trial run of how emotional I'll be when Savannah begins pre-school (two days a week) this fall. I am so incredibly excited to see Hope's behavior after the next six weeks. She is just incredibly...energetic...and that has been such a stress. We've been working on getting the potty training under control, and now we just need to her to understand how to greet new people and puppies. She has taken great strides since we brought her home...but she still is pretty much impossible to deal with when she's excited...and even more so for me since she weighs close to 40 pounds! I hope to post some new pictures of her soon, I'd love to get one of her sitting next to Savannah, and put it side-by-side with one I took the first night we had Hope at home...then it will be so clear how much she's grown! It's just very difficult to get a toddler and a puppy to sit still long enough for a photo!

Am I Lost?

As a beginning side note - today I celebrate four years of marriage with Carl. I know the old joke is that it feels longer than that, but in this case, I'm not joking, it really does feel longer than that. We have been through enough emotional ups and downs over the past year that it really does feel like we've been through much more than 4 years of marriage! (In truth we've been together over 9 years, and we have been pretty much inseparable from the minute we started dating.) Happy Anniversary to the man I love!!

Now onto my wandering path of thoughts...recently I have been creating all of these ideas of what I can do in the future, and then just as soon as the idea comes, I'm past it. For instance, my love of cupcake decorating led me to consider a cupcake business, but now I have no interest in anything but making cupcakes for fun. Then there came the whole "party business" idea...I even spent money on books to add to my collection, but now I just want to focus on Savannah's party and a baby shower I am hosting. I have no desire to start a serious business. And most recently, I have fallen in love with making handmade cards. I really think I might be addicted. I've been making anywhere from 3-5 cards a week. I have a full collection of 16 cards that I created for no one in particular. I've decided that I will buy envelopes and clear plastic "slips" for the cards and sell them at the church bazaar this fall...at least then I'll make some money on my hobby...and I can use that money to purchase a die cutting machine...as long as I don't suddenly lose interest. Although I have been particularly inspired to make cards...just a ribbon or a punch or a stamp can inspire my next creation...that's what I love about it all.

So when I think about that, I have started and then dropped several ideas...which for me is so out of character. I'm such a "finisher" and "doer"...not a quitter. So why the sudden impulse to start and stop things? I think maybe it's that I'm finally allowing myself to try something out, and if I don't like it, quit. All of my life I have been the "success"...even if that success didn't equal happiness. I am creative, and I love being creative, and I think I've had to experiment at just how I want to express my creativity. I used to scrapbook like crazy, but I've lost interest in that...it's just so hard to drag out all the stuff and work on a page...I feel really guilty about that...I wanted to scrap things for Savannah...so in the end I think I might just stick to a plan for kids...a pregnancy scrapbook, a first year scrapbook, and a birthday book (every 2 page layout covers a birthday, so at age 16 the book is full)...that way I'm not trying to capture every little thing....in reality, we take amazing photos, and I put together little "videos" of photos for the great-grandparents, so that is a way of recording the memories...and I can display more photos that way than I can on a page in the scrapbook.

So am I lost? Am I still searching for my own identity (minus the obvious identity as wife and mom)? I don't know. Maybe. I love my career and helping young students grow. Have I finally found the right outlet for my creativity? Maybe. It's easy paced, I can just do a card here and there, I don't have to devote a lot of time to it, and I can give things away to those I love...sounds pretty good to me!

An Ode to My Readers

Recently I decided to add a hit counter to my blog...just to change the layout a bit. The number was set to display all hits, beginning with my very first blog post on January 28, 2010. In the 17 months I have been blogging, I have 2741 hits. That is pretty amazing to me. That's an average of 5 hits a day...so who is reading my blog? I'm not entirely sure. I have some public followers, but it must also be that I have a lot of anonymous followers. I know that as the past year has unfolded (Father's Day was the anniversary of the first time I told Carl I was pregnant - with the pregnancy ending 2 1/2 weeks later) I have had several followers join in. During the second miscarriage I was amazed at the number of personal messages and conversations that started with "I've been reading your blog..."

I started this blog for a place to share the little worries and antics of raising a toddler...but it has turned into the raw truth of struggling to be a mom while also trying to become a new mom again. I share the awful, heart-breaking truth with the world. It's become a personal crusade of mine to not hide the hardships of bringing a new life into the world. So many women feel ashamed and guilty when miscarriage occurs, and I hate that. I also think I have found an outlet to share my faith, and my struggles with my faith. I need the prayers and support, and until I share the news with people, they don't know how best to help me.

When I was in college, I was a member of Kappa Phi (Christian Service Club/Sorority). If there was ever a need, the group would send out a prayer request. During meetings the group always had a shared time for praying. I've always been a kind of visual thinker (hence my card projects!) and after praying as I group I always would get this vision of the Care Bears, where their little bellies lit up and rainbows emerging into the sky. I liked to think of Kappa Phi as the "Prayer Bears". I envisioned all the prayers going up on rainbows to God, strengthening and growing in size as each girl lifted her voice.

On Sunday, our pastor (love Avery UMC!) was discussing traffic circles, and the cooperation they require. He mentioned that all of us are spiritually moving in the same direction, going to the same destination, just moving at different speeds. There are times that some of us are speeding, times that some of us are poking along, and times that some of us are broken down and need a hand. Recently I have been the "car" on the side of the road, broken down, struggling with my faith "engine" and causing traffic tie-ups among my family and friends. But thanks to my readers (and of course non-readers who still love me!), prayers have healed old wounds, my faith "engine" is repaired and ready to go, and I can get back on the road of Christian life.

I know there are several of you out there, praying for me, thinking of me, and supporting me. I appreciate each and every one of you...I wish you'd let me know who you are so I can pray for you too!

Major Milestone

I have survived (and surprisingly flourished) a major milestone...and not one of Savannah's...but one of my own. I recently went through and cleaned the nursery and re-organized all the baby clothes.

Ever since the first miscarriage, I'd been saying I was going to do it, and seeing all those little things wouldn't bother me...but I had never done it. I don't know if it was a subconscious thing or what. But I have finally done it. I think Carl was worried he'd find me in a puddle of tears...but I was surprisingly in great spirits when it was done. All of Savannah's clothes are now sorted by size, all the neutral clothing is stored in the nursery closet, and there's also a drawer of newborn baby girl things. So regardless of gender, the clothing is ready. I also took the time to raise the crib back up to a teeny baby level...and I rearranged the room. I moved the glider, toy chest, changing table, and nightstand.

I love that space again...Savannah and I are now often found playing in there together. I ask her who's room we're in, and who will sleep in there, and her response is "Baby Luke or Baby Ella"...so once another baby hopefully makes his/her way into the world, Savannah definitely won't feel like that baby is taking "her" room.

Cleaning and sorting and organizing baby things was oddly healing. I feel like the past is now behind me. I haven't forgotten all the sorrow, but I'm moving past it. I'm treating the next pregnancy (assuming it does eventually come) as if none of the horrible sorrow ever happened...I'm not worried about repeats or hormones or anything...my doctor says my body is fine...so for now, that's how I see it. I'm not pregnant yet, but it takes lots of people more than 2 months to get there! The nursery is new (at least it looks new with the reorganization) and clean and ready for another child. Savannah is beginning to think a baby in the house would be nice...and our little (35 pound!) puppy Hope is calming down some (and do I ever love her now that she isn't a wild child 24/7!)...the past is the past, I'm in God's hands...and literally, a baby of either gender could show up on the doorstep tomorrow and we'd be ready. We have a clean crib and nursery (sheets cleaned and all), an accepting toddler, a calm puppy, double stroller (bought before a miscarriage and just saved in the box), plenty of stored up food in the freezer, and plenty of grandparents on hand.

One of my good friends teases me that even though it has been hard on me, I certainly have prepared prior to the next pregnancy...that maybe with the next one I'll have to be on bedrest or be pregnant with twins and I won't be able to do any of that...so now I have no need to do anything and I really will sit still when I'm pregnant...some people say God has a sense of humor...but I know He wouldn't put me through the past year just for organization sake...that's just a perk! :0)

So I feel better...still sad I'm not pregnant, but not completely hopeless yet...we shall see what the future holds...

Faith Struggles - Here I Am.

The past two weeks have really been a struggle for my faith. I'm not pregnant...and now I just wonder if I will ever be pregnant again. It's all so scary to me because after the second miscarriage I remember telling God that if I wasn't supposed to have more kids than He shouldn't let me suffer miscarriages, that I'd just rather not be pregnant at all...and here I am, not pregnant.

There are so many examples of people in the world who are pregnant, or have children, that so obviously don't want children or care for them. Parents who abuse, murder, ignore their children...and then here I am, a loving mom.

Yesterday on msnbc.com there was a survey "Moms: Get Real!" about the secrets of mothers...questions like "What do you miss most about your life pre-baby?" and "Have you ever wished your child was the opposite gender?" and "How often do you use your job as an excuse to avoid child care responsibilties?" and "Has your child ever been hurt because you were distracted by using the computer/cell phone/texting?" and "Have you ever medicated your child to keep him/her calm before a long trip?" and "Have you ever medicated your child on a regular night, just for peace and quiet?" and at the end you could also add something that you consider your "mom secret".

So after all those questions, I decided that I must be a pretty good mom. The one thing I miss most about my pre-baby life isn't the clubbing, the parties, the sleep, my pre-baby body (I weigh less now!)....it's the spontaneity...and that will come back as Savannah grows up. It already has in a lot of ways...we're just spontaneous with her.

I've also never wished for her to be a boy...sure I would love a son...but I love her the way she is...she loves dresses, shoes, and jewelry. She wants to powder her nose when I do. She wants her finger and toe nails painted...I love her!

I have never used my job as a reason to avoid Savannah. Of course there have been days where I have had to work late (or remember those days of two jobs!), but that wasn't to get out of watching Savannah...I would have preferred to be with her...but the basement needed finished (it is a complete lifesaver now that she's older!)

To my knowledge Savannah has never been hurt because technology has distracted me...I do use the computer when she's around (especially when I work from home), but I have an eye on her too...she must not have been hurt badly because I would know it...so I doubt that's ever happened with me.

I have also never, ever medicated Savannah to calm her down. I hate taking medicine and putting anything foreign in my body's system...hence the natural birth. If I wouldn't take medicine then(when the pain relief would have felt amazing), I'm certainly not putting medicine in her bloodstream just so I can get some peace and quiet! Drugs are not baby sitters!

My one mom secret - I like being a working mom. I love that I can go to work, make a difference, and return home after missing my baby girl for 8 hours. I'm happier to see her. Last week I spent just about every waking second (and some sleeping ones) next to Savannah. I loved having that time with her...but I was ready to go back to the normal routine when my parents returned from vacation. Thursday was probably my hardest day...Savannah had been cranky, Hope had been crated all day since I'd been at work and my mom was out of town, and Carl had to go help his mom start the lawnmower. I just cried and cried...I needed a break, I had a headache, and all I had heard for the week was "Mommy! Mommy! Mom-MY!"...I just don't think I'd be as happy of a mom if I didn't get away some.

So after all of those questions, I really began to think...I'm not a bad mom...I'm a pretty good one. I put Savannah's needs first, I love her, I wouldn't change her, and I don't avoid her...so here I am. Not pregnant. When I could be such a wonderful mom to another child...

My faith is struggling...why am I here, not pregnant? My doctor says I look 100% normal. I love my family, my child. Here I am...not pregnant.

Downward...Upward...Spiral

Over the past year I've really traveled through some serious downward and upward spirals. This Father's Day will be the one-year anniversary of when I told Carl for the first time that he'd be a dad again...it's almost been one year since the horrible chain of events began.

Recently I've been feeling more anxious than usual...I think it's just a combination of not becoming pregnant right away (saw the doctor yesterday, she said not to worry, it could take 6 months...for a normal, healthy person), and we've had three major expenses in the past week, and Savannah is growing up, and there's just so much on my mind. I attempted potty training on Tuesday...didn't go as I had planned. At first she peed her pants and didn't say anything. Then the second time she told me she had to pee, right when she peed in her pants. The third time she told me she had to potty, then wouldn't sit on it, stood next to it, and then peed her pants. She just refuses to sit on the potty...so for now we're back to diapers and we'll try next week. I know she understands the sensation since she told me...it's just getting her over the fear of sitting on the potty.

Although I am so tired of having pregnancy on the mind, I still desperately want another child. Everyone (including the doctor) keeps telling me to just relax and not think about it...but that is much easier said than done at this point!

I want another child to hold, love, watch grow, and watch Savannah grow with. My summer work schedule has really allowed for me to spend time with Savannah. We have almost become inseparable...literally and figuratively. The other day I was holding her...well, she was holding onto me. I was just standing there playing with her hair, but she was holding herself up with her legs around my waist and arms around my neck....we just spend a lot of time together and she asks for me to do a lot of things with her over Carl. I guess that's one silver lining to the whole miscarriage process...I have been able to really bond with Savannah as she's grown. I've been able to focus my full attention on her and enjoy all the funny things she says and all the special moments we have together. I know I'd still spend time with her if I had another child, but it would be fewer times and for less time than now. The bond I feel with Savannah right now is truly amazing...I hate bedtime just as much as she does...we've been so close recently that I'm often found in bed next to her napping or lounging...we just enjoy each other so much...I long for another relationship like that!

Another Bump in the Road

I was hoping for a wonderful, joyous weekend...only to be disappointed. Friday morning I took a pregnancy test (a little early, but I wanted to tell my parents before their vacation) and it was negative. It was then confirmed on Sunday.

So I spent the weekend in a funk. I was just so disappointed...after the miscarriages I had this fear that I wouldn't be able to get pregnant again...and now each month I'm not pregnant it strengthens that fear. It put me in the worst mood...patient with Savannah but not Carl. He didn't seem to care whatsoever that I wasn't pregnant...which just made me more sad...and he didn't seem to notice that it made me depressed. It just makes my heart ache that I'm not pregnant again...it's like a physical pain.

Now I have another month to wait...my faith is struggling, I'm struggling. I almost don't want to even go through the process right now...it's just so hard emotionally...

This Too Shall Pass

After a delightful long weekend, Savannah and I were cuddling before bed on Monday night. We had just read a story and said our bedtime prayer. She was pretty tuckered out (a weekend of fun with friends is always tiring for a toddler!) and was extra-cuddly. I just hugged and kissed her so many times. I kept thinking..."This Too Shall Pass". It won't be long before the cuddles and hugs and kisses are replaced by rolling eyes and loud sighs...she will be all too grown-up for the cuddly Mom stuff. Knowing this makes the desire for another child all the more stronger too...and Savannah was just adorably sweet with Baby Brynna when she visited. Often Savannah could be seen kneeling in front of the bouncer, patting Brynna on the knee...or replacing a bink...or telling her some sort of story...she has turned into a wonderful little helper. She deserves a brother or sister!

So as the days become more important to me to count, and as each cycle of trying fails, I have found a new hobby to keep my mind occupied. I attended a "Stamp Camp" with my good friend Amie recently, and I fell in love with making handmade cards. It really does occupy my mind...I wake up in the middle of the night with ideas for new cards! Below is the beginning of my card gallery...I hope to continue making cards. I'm looking into adding "Pop Up" cards to my arsenal too...anything to allow time to pass quickly between now and the next baby, but slowly to allow me to savor every moment with Savannah...