Major Milestone

I have survived (and surprisingly flourished) a major milestone...and not one of Savannah's...but one of my own. I recently went through and cleaned the nursery and re-organized all the baby clothes.

Ever since the first miscarriage, I'd been saying I was going to do it, and seeing all those little things wouldn't bother me...but I had never done it. I don't know if it was a subconscious thing or what. But I have finally done it. I think Carl was worried he'd find me in a puddle of tears...but I was surprisingly in great spirits when it was done. All of Savannah's clothes are now sorted by size, all the neutral clothing is stored in the nursery closet, and there's also a drawer of newborn baby girl things. So regardless of gender, the clothing is ready. I also took the time to raise the crib back up to a teeny baby level...and I rearranged the room. I moved the glider, toy chest, changing table, and nightstand.

I love that space again...Savannah and I are now often found playing in there together. I ask her who's room we're in, and who will sleep in there, and her response is "Baby Luke or Baby Ella"...so once another baby hopefully makes his/her way into the world, Savannah definitely won't feel like that baby is taking "her" room.

Cleaning and sorting and organizing baby things was oddly healing. I feel like the past is now behind me. I haven't forgotten all the sorrow, but I'm moving past it. I'm treating the next pregnancy (assuming it does eventually come) as if none of the horrible sorrow ever happened...I'm not worried about repeats or hormones or anything...my doctor says my body is fine...so for now, that's how I see it. I'm not pregnant yet, but it takes lots of people more than 2 months to get there! The nursery is new (at least it looks new with the reorganization) and clean and ready for another child. Savannah is beginning to think a baby in the house would be nice...and our little (35 pound!) puppy Hope is calming down some (and do I ever love her now that she isn't a wild child 24/7!)...the past is the past, I'm in God's hands...and literally, a baby of either gender could show up on the doorstep tomorrow and we'd be ready. We have a clean crib and nursery (sheets cleaned and all), an accepting toddler, a calm puppy, double stroller (bought before a miscarriage and just saved in the box), plenty of stored up food in the freezer, and plenty of grandparents on hand.

One of my good friends teases me that even though it has been hard on me, I certainly have prepared prior to the next pregnancy...that maybe with the next one I'll have to be on bedrest or be pregnant with twins and I won't be able to do any of that...so now I have no need to do anything and I really will sit still when I'm pregnant...some people say God has a sense of humor...but I know He wouldn't put me through the past year just for organization sake...that's just a perk! :0)

So I feel better...still sad I'm not pregnant, but not completely hopeless yet...we shall see what the future holds...