Am I Lost?

As a beginning side note - today I celebrate four years of marriage with Carl. I know the old joke is that it feels longer than that, but in this case, I'm not joking, it really does feel longer than that. We have been through enough emotional ups and downs over the past year that it really does feel like we've been through much more than 4 years of marriage! (In truth we've been together over 9 years, and we have been pretty much inseparable from the minute we started dating.) Happy Anniversary to the man I love!!

Now onto my wandering path of thoughts...recently I have been creating all of these ideas of what I can do in the future, and then just as soon as the idea comes, I'm past it. For instance, my love of cupcake decorating led me to consider a cupcake business, but now I have no interest in anything but making cupcakes for fun. Then there came the whole "party business" idea...I even spent money on books to add to my collection, but now I just want to focus on Savannah's party and a baby shower I am hosting. I have no desire to start a serious business. And most recently, I have fallen in love with making handmade cards. I really think I might be addicted. I've been making anywhere from 3-5 cards a week. I have a full collection of 16 cards that I created for no one in particular. I've decided that I will buy envelopes and clear plastic "slips" for the cards and sell them at the church bazaar this fall...at least then I'll make some money on my hobby...and I can use that money to purchase a die cutting machine...as long as I don't suddenly lose interest. Although I have been particularly inspired to make cards...just a ribbon or a punch or a stamp can inspire my next creation...that's what I love about it all.

So when I think about that, I have started and then dropped several ideas...which for me is so out of character. I'm such a "finisher" and "doer"...not a quitter. So why the sudden impulse to start and stop things? I think maybe it's that I'm finally allowing myself to try something out, and if I don't like it, quit. All of my life I have been the "success"...even if that success didn't equal happiness. I am creative, and I love being creative, and I think I've had to experiment at just how I want to express my creativity. I used to scrapbook like crazy, but I've lost interest in that...it's just so hard to drag out all the stuff and work on a page...I feel really guilty about that...I wanted to scrap things for Savannah...so in the end I think I might just stick to a plan for kids...a pregnancy scrapbook, a first year scrapbook, and a birthday book (every 2 page layout covers a birthday, so at age 16 the book is full)...that way I'm not trying to capture every little thing....in reality, we take amazing photos, and I put together little "videos" of photos for the great-grandparents, so that is a way of recording the memories...and I can display more photos that way than I can on a page in the scrapbook.

So am I lost? Am I still searching for my own identity (minus the obvious identity as wife and mom)? I don't know. Maybe. I love my career and helping young students grow. Have I finally found the right outlet for my creativity? Maybe. It's easy paced, I can just do a card here and there, I don't have to devote a lot of time to it, and I can give things away to those I love...sounds pretty good to me!