The past two weeks have really been a struggle for my faith. I'm not pregnant...and now I just wonder if I will ever be pregnant again. It's all so scary to me because after the second miscarriage I remember telling God that if I wasn't supposed to have more kids than He shouldn't let me suffer miscarriages, that I'd just rather not be pregnant at all...and here I am, not pregnant.
There are so many examples of people in the world who are pregnant, or have children, that so obviously don't want children or care for them. Parents who abuse, murder, ignore their children...and then here I am, a loving mom.
Yesterday on msnbc.com there was a survey "Moms: Get Real!" about the secrets of mothers...questions like "What do you miss most about your life pre-baby?" and "Have you ever wished your child was the opposite gender?" and "How often do you use your job as an excuse to avoid child care responsibilties?" and "Has your child ever been hurt because you were distracted by using the computer/cell phone/texting?" and "Have you ever medicated your child to keep him/her calm before a long trip?" and "Have you ever medicated your child on a regular night, just for peace and quiet?" and at the end you could also add something that you consider your "mom secret".
So after all those questions, I decided that I must be a pretty good mom. The one thing I miss most about my pre-baby life isn't the clubbing, the parties, the sleep, my pre-baby body (I weigh less now!)....it's the spontaneity...and that will come back as Savannah grows up. It already has in a lot of ways...we're just spontaneous with her.
I've also never wished for her to be a boy...sure I would love a son...but I love her the way she is...she loves dresses, shoes, and jewelry. She wants to powder her nose when I do. She wants her finger and toe nails painted...I love her!
I have never used my job as a reason to avoid Savannah. Of course there have been days where I have had to work late (or remember those days of two jobs!), but that wasn't to get out of watching Savannah...I would have preferred to be with her...but the basement needed finished (it is a complete lifesaver now that she's older!)
To my knowledge Savannah has never been hurt because technology has distracted me...I do use the computer when she's around (especially when I work from home), but I have an eye on her too...she must not have been hurt badly because I would know it...so I doubt that's ever happened with me.
I have also never, ever medicated Savannah to calm her down. I hate taking medicine and putting anything foreign in my body's system...hence the natural birth. If I wouldn't take medicine then(when the pain relief would have felt amazing), I'm certainly not putting medicine in her bloodstream just so I can get some peace and quiet! Drugs are not baby sitters!
My one mom secret - I like being a working mom. I love that I can go to work, make a difference, and return home after missing my baby girl for 8 hours. I'm happier to see her. Last week I spent just about every waking second (and some sleeping ones) next to Savannah. I loved having that time with her...but I was ready to go back to the normal routine when my parents returned from vacation. Thursday was probably my hardest day...Savannah had been cranky, Hope had been crated all day since I'd been at work and my mom was out of town, and Carl had to go help his mom start the lawnmower. I just cried and cried...I needed a break, I had a headache, and all I had heard for the week was "Mommy! Mommy! Mom-MY!"...I just don't think I'd be as happy of a mom if I didn't get away some.
So after all of those questions, I really began to think...I'm not a bad mom...I'm a pretty good one. I put Savannah's needs first, I love her, I wouldn't change her, and I don't avoid her...so here I am. Not pregnant. When I could be such a wonderful mom to another child...
My faith is struggling...why am I here, not pregnant? My doctor says I look 100% normal. I love my family, my child. Here I am...not pregnant.
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