Ball of Emotions

I'm still waiting (not so patiently) on Luke/Ella to arrive. Every day I wake up and wonder, will today be the day I meet my child?

At this point, we are ready. I finally got my car back - it looks brand new! I was shocked at how happy getting the car back would make me. They took great care of it and detailed it completely. It is shiny and new looking, the inside is properly cleaned...even things I'd tried to clean but had no success with were completely cleaned up. The car seats are installed and ready for two little Polands to ride around. The bags for the hospital are neatly stacked in the back, ready for the big day. I love my car...more than I thought I'd ever love a car!

We also had our big special day with Savannah on Saturday. We had planned it all week last week, but didn't tell her until Saturday morning. I didn't want to get her so excited about it, and then go into labor and have to cancel everything. So on Saturday morning, when she climbed into bed with us I told her we had a big day and it was going to be "Savannah's Special Day", just like Boots had on an episode of Dora. She was so excited. We went to the Play Place at the mall and had 45 minutes of unrestricted play...and we had the place pretty much to ourselves since we got an early start to the day. She loved every second of it. Next we went to Target. They had a special read-aloud program that morning and she got a goodie bag of snacks and Dr. Seuss things...and we bought her a book. We did our regular grocery shopping too...but she got an Icee (she has grown to love my favorite guilty pleasure!) and a Hello Kitty item as well. Next stop was Five Guys Burgers and the awesome Coke machine. The burgers are great, but the size of our local establishment is small, which made for a very uncomfortable eating arrangement for me. Savannah enjoyed the hustle and bustle of it all though. Then we went bowling. She loves to bowl. She would clap and cheer for us, and when she got a strike she was SO excited! It was so fun to just enjoy simple pleasures with her! After bowling we went to Naticakes, a new local frozen yogurt bar. Delicious! Savannah loved picking out her own toppings and she just sat quiet and content eating her concoction (she just picked vanilla ice cream with m&ms and sprinkles). We headed home after that...she had her quiet time and then she and I ran to the store to pick up two items that I'd forgotten earlier. She was my helper and carried everything - and even insisted on carrying the bag once we paid. She loves to shop! She and I then made a cherry pie (so I cheated on filling and used canned, but the crust was homemade!). She loves to bake with me, and I figured that a homemade crust would be hard to come by for a while. After the pie she painted with her water colors with Carl. This is her absolute favorite thing to do at school...so she was SO excited to be able to paint at home with Dad. Near bedtime she and I each got into PJs and painted our nails together...we had a quick little "Pajama Party" in our bed and watched an episode of Mickey Mouse together...it was the perfect ending to the perfect day. She was an angel all day, enjoyed it all, and was happy to have us with her. Carl bought me a pair of socks at the bowling alley (I have a collection of crazy socks - they are my weakness!) as a memento of the day. It is really nice to have...because in the years to come I know I will look back on that day as one of the best days as a family of three. We are ready to welcome a new member to our family, but it was so nice to enjoy life the way it has been for the past three years too. Sunday morning we had, quite possibly, the last "cuddle in bed and be lazy" morning. Savannah climbed in around 7:00am and we stayed there for a while. She'd cuddle up against me and say "I love you" and squeeze me tight...those have to be some of my favorite moments as a mom.

So we have done just about everything we can to prepare for Luke/Ella. Now we wait. We still have a lot of people watching every move we make...everyone is waiting. I know last week I said it was hard to live up to the pressure of it all, but as the day nears I am more and more thankful for the amount of people who are praying for and supporting us. I am blessed to have such a strong family, friend, and church support system. We even had strong support from people we work with...it's just so amazing to see how many people are awaiting the news of Luke/Ella's arrival. We are blessed. I still wake up in the early hours of the morning and can't go back to sleep. Recently it hasn't been so much that I'm uncomfortable, it's just that I can't turn my mind off. Last night I woke up wondering if the video camera battery was still charged, and if Carl remembers how to connect the camera to the tripod. Then I began wondering if I packed any binkies for the hospital, and if I did pack some, did I sterilize them? So I had my mom search for the special ones Savannah picked out months ago...and had her sterilize them so I could pack them when I get home. Apparently the whole "can't turn off my brain" thing is now getting to Carl...when I turned over at 5:00am this morning, he just sighed and said, "What time is it?"...no one is getting any sleep now...we just are on high alert and ready.

I also have been thinking a lot about the labor now...I've been so focused on the whole holding a baby thing that I've conveniently forgotten (and ignored( the idea of labor. When I had Savannah, I had a point to prove...I was going to deliver a baby without medication since everyone said I couldn't. Well...now I've proven my point. So will I cave in to the pain and get medication? I really want to give this child the same start that Savannah had. But I also know the pain involved with that...when I was in labor with Savannah I just kept thinking "It can't last forever...it can't get much worse, right?"...and then by the time it did hurt worse I couldn't have gotten medication anyway...well now I know the pain, I know it can get worse, and I know that it can take time. So what I will I do? I hope to be able to give the gift of a drug free birth to another child...but we will see. I just want a healthy baby, and whatever way we get to it I will be happy. I also am beginning to fear the dread the recovery...I know what this all entails too...so much to not look forward to. I think one thing that is helping me to get through that fear and dread is knowing that I will be holding a baby while dealing with the recovery...and unfortunately I know the pain of postpartum recovery without a baby to hold...so this time I will have a little person to keep by my side.

Today I have my 38 week appointment. As long as my body is still showing signs of labor progressing (which, if it doesn't show signs I'd like to know what my body has been doing this past week with all the Braxton Hicks and jabs and cramps!) then the midwife will strip my membranes. The doctor did this with Savannah on a Wednesday, contractions started on that Thursday, and she was born 24 hours after the start of contractions...so that means Luke/Ella could be here very soon! Of course there are so many outcomes that are possible right now...I could have a breech baby again (Luke/Ella had better not be breech again!)...or I could be showing no signs of progression and they refuse to strip the membranes...or they could strip the membranes and my body does nothing but get irritated with me...or they could do it and I go into labor within hours...or they could do it and labor starts tomorrow...or Wednesday...I could have to wait another week for all I know! I will be doing my best to encourage this baby though...spicy food for dinner and a long walk after the doctor's appointment. We just have to wait and see...which feels like all we've been doing for months now!

In the last week (or even days) of pregnancy I have become the crazy emotional pregnant lady. I'm sad that we are closing a chapter in our family's story as a family of three, excited to see Savannah grow into the "Best Big Sister Ever" (as she proudly tells us), excited to find out is it Luke or Ella?!, excited to welcome another child home, worried about the process of delivery and labor, fearful of what's to come, how is my marriage going to handle all of this...just so much to think about...if only I had a newborn crying in my ear to keep my mind off all the "big issues" and focused on the tiny toes and fingers...

Watched Pots Never Boil.

I have come to the conclusion that I am now everyone's favorite pot to watch. Carl is the first to jump when he sees me walk slow, turn over in bed, get up from sitting, sigh, give him a funny look...basically anything I do causes him to ask "Is it time?!"...which I admit is funny and endearing. At first. Now I just wish it were time, so when he asks it just disappoints me that it's not.

My dad must be feeling the anxious vibe too...he's now sending me advice on how to breastfeed. (The article he sent me today informed me that drinking a large amount of caffeine while breastfeeding a baby can cause the baby irritability and wakefulness.) It's like he doesn't remember that I've been pregnant before, and have raised a baby into toddlerhood before! I know he isn't doing these things to drive me crazy...he's just anxious and worried and excited...

Daily my coworkers act like it is the surprise of the century that I am at work...I hear at least five times a day "Oh. You're still here.". And work is mentally painful now...I did SO much to prepare for my absence at the drop of a hat that I have limited work to do now...so I sit at work...bored...handling minor issues...and then I have all this time to mentally freak out about all the possible complications of things...and to attempt to convince myself of signs of labor...it is just literally driving me crazy!

I also received an email and a phone call from people outside of our "normal" circle of friends and family to see if I had had the baby yet. A banker and an insurance agent. *sigh*

I truly, truly appreciate all of the people who are anxiously awaiting the birth of this child. We are incredibly blessed to have so many people praying for us and thinking of us. I don't ever want to seem like I am unappreciative. It's just hard to feel like I'm disappointing everyone by still being pregnant! I keep trying to remind myself that everyone is just overflowing with happiness for us and I need to be grateful...and that I should enjoy each little kick and punch I get from Luke/Ella because it might be the last time I'm pregnant...and that I should enjoy every moment with Savannah because she'll be sharing the spotlight soon. But it's hard...I'm tired, disappointed in the waiting, and just so ready.

I keep thinking about another pregnancy, and really, at this point (which it's probably going to happen that I change my mind a million times still) if I don't have another pregnancy, I don't think it will make me sad. I remember after the miscarriages driving home in tears thinking I'd never be pregnant again. But right now, the idea that I might be done doesn't make me sad or wishful...I am blessed with my family...and it feels complete. That isn't to say that I'd be adverse to the thought of a third, but I certainly don't feel the need to have a third right now.

And with all this "pot watching" I still have a part of me that hopes the baby waits until at least Saturday afternoon. Carl and I have planned a morning of fun for Savannah to spend with us...our last outing as a family of three. We'll do the play place at the mall, book reading at Target (in honor of Dr. Suess), bowling (she loves this!), and a trip to get frozen yogurt...all just the three of us. She isn't going to have many more days as an only child...so I want to be able to enjoy all of that with her. I know it isn't the end to things once Luke/Ella gets here...but nothing will ever be exactly the same. She is gaining a sibling to love, but in order to get that she's going to have to give up a few things too...bittersweet for sure.

So I am the proverbial watched pot...and I wish I wasn't, because you know what they say, "Watched pots never boil."...

Baby Update

I had my appointment yesterday afternoon...and of course the one scenario in which we wouldn't have a date or a plan is the one that happened. Luke/Ella is now in the correct position again, so now we just wait for labor. No dates are set, nothing is "for sure" going to happen. I'm thankful for a healthy baby and pregnancy...but it totally goes to prove this baby is more stubborn than I am (didn't even think that was possible!) and will give me grief forever!

I was dilated to 1cm still...and 50-60% effaced...and the fluid levels were a little lower this week (could tell due to the ultrasound confirming head down). All of this is good...baby is in position and has less ability to flip since the fluid isn't as full and fun for gymnastics anymore...my body is preparing for labor...now just to wait. I asked about stripping my membranes, but they said they won't do that until next week...so I have to wait. I'm ready though...and I feel like it really will happen in the next two weeks!

Now I'm starting to become super excited about finding out Luke or Ella...ever since yesterday I have been almost 100% convinced it's Luke. We didn't see anything on the ultrasound that would reveal gender, but I just have this feeling it's a boy. I told Carl that we must really, really not care boy or girl because we've had so many extra opportunities this time around to find out. We thought we wouldn't get another ultrasound after our 20 week scan in October...since then we'd seen our little one on the screen 4 times...and never once asked the doctor to check. We've been very specific to not look, and if they needed to see more of the baby to tell us to look away. We really can't wait for this amazing surprise!

I am hoping things begin soon...I'm ready...and bored...and just waiting...

Bittersweet Waiting Game

In the past five days, I've been to the doctor twice and will be back today. Really, this baby MUST be a boy with all the grief I get!

On Wednesday night I woke up at 11:30p with cramping...I tried to wait it out, but at 12:15am I woke Carl up and explained that I had no idea what was going on. I didn't think it was labor, but I was in some serious pain. Of course, the free healthline was closed at 11:00pm, so I just called the maternity ward of the hospital. I talked with a nurse, and then a doctor, and we couldn't figure out why I was so uncomfortable. So I decided to wait it out...with the advice that if it got worse, my water broke, or contractions started and were 5 minutes apart then I should go to the hospital. I eventually fell back asleep, but woke up in the same pain. I called my doctor and got an appointment scheduled for 9:30am. Once there, they monitored Luke/Ella...who was content and happy (and still breech!). I was still in pain, even just touching the outside of my belly hurt. Walking hurt, laying down hurt, turning over hurt...it was just uncomfortable.

Friday I felt somewhat better and went in for the appointment with the "turning specialist" to discuss our options. When the doctor came into the room, he felt my belly and said I still had a breech baby...but then 5 minutes later when he was listening for the heart beat, it turns out Luke/Ella had flipped. The doctor said it was an "unstable lie" and very possible that the baby could flip back to breech. I'm still not convinced that the baby flipped...I realize that this doctor is like 70 years old and has been doing this for a very long time...but until I see an ultrasound confirmation that Luke/Ella is head down, I'm not going to believe it. We talked about all the options and given the weekend to think about things.

So today I go back to meet with the midwife...and I will insist that we get visual confirmation of the position of this baby. If I'm making a serious decision about the health of the baby, I want to be sure I know what position he/she is in! If Luke/Ella is still breech we can opt to attempt to turn the baby. That procedure would likely be tomorrow (omg!). We'd be at the hospital, I'd have an epidural, it'd be in an OR with a full staff, and I'd be given a muscle relaxant to prevent contractions. If there was any kind of complication they would deliver the baby right then and there (eek! tomorrow!). This doctor has a 70% success rate of turning babies...and there is always the possibility that the doctor is successful but Luke/Ella decides to flip back to breech anyway, resulting in a scheduled c-section. Another option is that Luke/Ella is still breech and we decide not to turn. In that case, we'd schedule a c-section for between 39 and 40 weeks (most likely March 5th). If I went into labor before that date (which is possible since Savannah didn't make it to 39 weeks) I would rush to the hospital, they'd confirm breech with a quick ultrasound, and I'd have an emergency c-section. There is also always the scenario that Luke/Ella is heads down...and in that case we do nothing but wait some more.

I keep going back and forth over the decision...and we have to make it today because they only attempt turning at 37 weeks...and the doctor who is the best is at the hospital tomorrow...and I'm 37 weeks. Really, the idea of turning a baby is scary. There are lots of risks, and I keep thinking that my body knows what it is doing...the baby is in this position for whatever reason...it has done everything else right throughout the pregnancy. God is watching over us. If Luke/Ella is still breech, I'm leaning towards not attempting to turn the baby, scheduling a c-section, and hoping the baby turns all on his/her own and I go into labor naturally before the c-section date...of course that is quite the list of "if this, if that". The only reason I am really still considering turning is because on Monday afternoon (2/13) I wasn't dilated...but on Thursday morning (2/16) I was at 1cm. So if I am dilated even more today...then I would begin to think that Luke/Ella is really close to arriving...and if the baby is breech, and labor and delivery is seemingly so close, then I might want to attempt to give this baby a chance to come naturally. So there are some factors I need to consider at my appointment today...which is at 3:00pm. We shall see!!

So with all of this on my mind this weekend, it hit me that I have 3 weeks or less before I bring home a teeny little baby. Which, of course, came to my mind when I was cuddling with Savannah before bedtime last night. Every 3rd Sunday Carl has meetings at the church since he's on the PPR committee. This means Savannah and I get to have time to spend together when I'm not rushing to do chores and cook meals. It usually ends up with us in my bedroom, on the bed, painting fingernails and toenails and watching Mickey Mouse. It is just so fun to spend quiet time like that together. So last night, when Carl was back and it was bath time, she didn't want him to give her a bath...she wanted me. Well, the whole idea of me lifting her into the tub is just comical (really - I'm already front heavy and off balance...like I need to attempt moving 34 pounds of toddler into the tub!). So Carl got her into the tub, and helped me kneel next to the tub so I could wash her face and her hair. She is growing into such a big girl! She does a lot of the washing for me now...she washes her hair (I still do it too, but honestly I think she doesn't need me!) and she uses face wash and a washcloth for her face...and she rubs down her arms and legs...it's amazing how self-sufficient she's become. Carl got her out and took her to her room, where Savannah and I spend time putting lotion on and brushing her hair and drying off and getting on PJs...she wanted me to brush her teeth, but Carl convinced her to allow him to help her with that.

Then comes books, prayers, and cuddles. We read some new books (she recently got a Hello Kitty book!) and then said our prayers. I told her I had to go, but she wanted cuddles. So we both were laying next to each other in her bed, and she just pulls my arm around her and holds it to her chest...we spent 20-30 minutes just in her bed all cuddled up talking about her being a big sister, and how much I love her, and what will happen when the baby gets here. She seemed so happy to spend time with me...and it made me so sad to think that those little moments will be gone soon...I still intend to cuddle...but I don't know if I'll always have 20-30 minutes where I can just sit with her and chat...I want to...but I don't know what our lives will be like when there are two children in the house...and then I started thinking about our weekend mornings. Usually she wakes up before we do (around 7:00am), climbs up into our bed between Carl and I, hooks my arm around her and falls back to sleep or cuddles with us. We have such lazy mornings. It was just the other day that I realized how blessed I was...right there in my bed was all the loves of my life. Carl, Savannah, and little Luke/Ella about to arrive. So last night during our cuddling, I kept thinking that we may not have any more weekend mornings like that for a long time! What if the baby comes this week...then they are all gone! And while I do realize that Savannah will still come in our room, our sleep schedule in the house is going to be SO different soon...we may not all be in the bed at the same time anymore...and once Luke/Ella does start sleeping in a few months, then Savannah may be out of the habit of joining us. Our family of 3 won't ever truly be the same...we'll be a family of 4...which I realize is an amazing blessing...but for some reason it makes me sad. We are transitioning into a new chapter as a family, and we have a lot of look forward to...but I really have enjoyed the 3 years of being a family of three too.

So Luke/Ella's arrival is within sight...3 weeks or less! It's bittersweet...so happy, yet sad to say goodbye to an old chapter...

Tick Tock.

I don't know how I am going to make it to Friday at 10:15am...I just want to know right now what's going to happen. Apparently, I'm not a patient person...at least not when it comes to Baby Luke/Ella! The baby is still breech. I can still easily feel the head right next to my ribs. I'm still incredibly uncomfortable. And I hate waiting.

On my drive home (which is once again becoming anxiety-ridden...no panic attacks...yet.) I am just so uncomfortable and worried...yesterday I thought about calling the midwife just to ask her a million questions about breech babies and how we'd proceed...but really, she can't tell me any more until Friday when we find out if Luke/Ella has flipped back. It suddenly isn't about the whole "how will the baby get here issue"...now I'm worried about why the baby flipped in the first place. Is there something wrong with him/her? Is it too cramped in there? Is there more of a danger with the cord wrapping now? I just want this baby safe...

So then this morning I was thinking about whether I wanted to attempt to even turn the baby. There are a lot of risks...and someone Carl works with said that they had a breech baby that they attempted to turn, and in the end the baby was delivered then...so what are the chances that they'd just end up delivering the baby anyway? Then I was thinking that if I opted for a c-section, when would I want it? When would they want it? I would love a baby born on Leap Day...but really, I don't want to schedule a c-section for a certain day just because I want it to be the birthday...but waiting a little longer gives it more time in the womb to mature...and if we wait until the 29th then my car will be fixed and out of the shop too, so the baby can go home in the safest car...but the Tucson is getting new brakes today so it will be safe (after all Savannah went home in it - and she still rides in it today!)...so then I was thinking about what a doctor might tell me...I just hate that it has to be so complicated...and that I have to wait.

The waiting isn't helping my stress or anxiety either...I am so not good with the unknown...I know I just need to trust God and allow Him to get this baby here safely...but I have such a hard time relaxing...and I've gotten everything done at home...so there isn't much there to occupy my time after Savannah is in bed...and I've done a ton of things at work to be sure that everything will go smoothly while I'm gone...so now I'm just twiddling my thumbs no matter where I am! Which, of course, gives me even more time to read all the scary facts and concerns...and to brood on this baby's arrival...I wish I could just turn off my brain for a few hours and rest!!!

Breech at 36+ Weeks.

Yesterday was my 36w appointment. As usual, baby's heart beat was strong and thumping right along. The midwife asked if I had been in any kind of particular pain, and I mentioned that my ribs hurt on my right side often. I have always just assumed it was little feet kicking me. Well, when she measured my belly I was measuring a week ahead (which has been the case occasionally). Then she started trying to tell what position the baby was in, and much to my dismay, she said it felt like the head is what has been bothering my ribs so much. So she went and got the portable ultrasound machine (that is like for the 1970s!) to get a quick peek at Luke/Ella. I have to admit, seeing that machine brings the fear of God into me now...it's the same one that didn't show a heart beat with the 2nd miscarriage.

So she turned it on, and our fears were confirmed. Luke/Ella has decided to flip on us, and is now in the breech position. Back in January, when I had the car accident, ultrasound confirmed that he/she was head down...but for some reason this baby has decided to give us grief. If I wasn't so far along it wouldn't necessarily be a big deal...but since I'm quickly approaching my due date, it is a big deal.

SO. Now I go back to the doctor on Friday to see if Luke/Ella has flipped back to head down. I know exactly what the head feels like now, and currently, he/she is still breech. If on Friday we are still in this situation, we'll have some decisions to make. They can do an external version, but that is pretty painful, requires an epidural, and is done in the hospital...and there are risks. The placenta could tear away from the uterine wall, the heart rate could drop...it could result in an emergency c-section. If that version is successful (and only 58% are), the baby could still flip back to breech and I could still have a c-section anyway. If the baby is still breech, more than likely a c-section would occur at 38 or 39 weeks. I'm guessing closer to 38 weeks since Savannah was born at 38w 6d...and they don't want me going into labor with a breech baby. So for now we wait, and pray, and hope that Luke/Ella turns back around and stays that way. The midwife and I were joking that this baby is Luke...a boy with commitment issues already! :0)

The plus side of all that scary news is that we got another little peek at the baby. The midwife was careful to just look at the head and then quickly scan the rest of my belly to make sure there was plenty of fluid in there to allow Luke/Ella to turn...but she avoided all areas that might give away the gender. It was nice to get to see this little one again before the real deal...and Savannah loved it! She kept looking at my belly and at the screen...it was just fun for her to see her baby.

So all last week I kept hoping I'd be dilated and we'd be planning to get this show on the road...and yesterday that came to a halt. She said I'm not dilated, but I could be if we wanted me to be...so I'm ready...but since Luke/Ella is now not in position we aren't going to do anything to possibly induce labor. I was anxious about this impending arrival already, and now I'm even more anxious. I just want to get this baby here safely. Ideally, a c-section wasn't what I was hoping for since I delivered Savannah completely natural...but I don't care how Luke/Ella gets here...I just want him/her safe and healthy. Last night I woke up at 4:00am and couldn't stop thinking about all the possibilities...it is just scary and worrisome...and I know there's nothing I can do right now...but that makes me feel so helpless!

So we wait. On Friday we will know more...maybe it will be a scheduled Leap Day baby...or sooner...or maybe he/she will turn and things will go as planned...the last weeks and days are the hardest...so many unknowns. I'm just so ready to have a healthy baby in my arms!!

Four Weeks or Less!

I think I will be in a state of disbelief until I actually hold Luke/Ella. I just can't fathom that we will have two kids soon. I think Carl is thinking along the same lines too. Last night at dinner I was timing contractions (ultimately I decided on Braxton Hicks and being dehydrated from a busy day at work) and Carl said, "But it's too early!"...and it is a little early...but not by much. I'll be considered "full term" within the week. If my prediction of baby's arrival is right, it's only 19 days away! Less than 3 weeks!

I also want to just say it now for the record - I think I will deliver a baby boy, Luke, on February 29th. He'll be about 8 pounds. Honestly, if it is Ella in there, she will have fooled 85% of our family and friends. I can only think of four people who think girl...and everyone else I know already talks about this baby as if it is Luke.

So I started this blog to document all the ups and downs of parenthood after Savannah was born...and when I go back and read posts I think I've done a pretty good job...but right now, when you'd think I have all kinds of things buzzing around in my mind to say...I don't know how to describe anything. Of course I'm excited (incredibly!)...nervous...worried about the health of Luke/Ella...maybe a little sad that this could be the last pregnancy...but overall I just want to be holding this little one. I want to see and feel a real child. I'm anxious to know when it will be...I don't remember being this impatient when I was pregnant with Savannah...but the whole "anytime now" scenario does not suit me at all! Everyone thinks the hardest part would be the whole "boy or girl?" question. Not really. I know it will be one or the other and I will love him/her regardless...the hard part is when...it could be any one of the next 28 days! (Ugh - 28 days, really that doesn't seem long when I say it that way!!) At least with each passing day I can count one more day out as the "Birth Day"...

Being a mom is hard. You just want to do the very best for your child...but children can push every button you have.

On Thursday night I sat down with Savannah and we created a "House Rules" poster. I cut a big house shape out of yellow poster board...and then we wrote 4 rules on it in pretty colors. No hitting. No yelling. No toys at the table. No electronics at the table. Simple, easy to understand rules. I'm not asking for the world here...just simple rules. My dad asked how Savannah was supposed to read it, but she knows the rules. You can ask her and she'll tell you what it says - she helped make the sign, so she knows.

We also got the "quiet hour" rolling on Thursday...and 3 out of the 4 days now she has just sat in her room and chatted the entire time. She never has cried or screamed or fought us...she just kept herself busy up there. We did get a nap on Friday though...which was incredibly surprising! So the Quiet Hour stays.

We also have had more success with her in the evenings of those days too. She goes to bed easier and sleeps longer. We are out of her room by 8:15p and she is generally quiet and asleep by 8:45. She then sleeps until around 7:00a...and she's been waking up on her own, which is much better than having to wake her up.

Our weekend was relatively peaceful...until Sunday after church. It was an all out meltdown that again makes me ashamed at my own behavior. I was baffled for so long after her meltdown as to why she had it in the first place. She'd slept 11 hours the night before, she'd had a good quiet hour the day before, she had eaten a big breakfast, she'd played well in the nursery...it just didn't make any sense. The more I thought about it, the better I understood though. Sunday was Communion, so when it was time for that, Carl went and got Savannah from the nursery so she could participate. He told her that it was time for "bread and juice"...which is what we always tell her about Communion (and then after we reiterate that it is because Jesus loves us). Well - last weekend at the Baby Celebration she had lots of juice (orange juice) at the church and it came from the kitchen...so that is what she was expecting. So when she kept asking to go to the kitchen and we kept telling her no she was getting frustrated with us...we had told her it was time for juice and then we wouldn't let her get juice...or at least that's what she thought.

Then after church Carl and I stayed longer to help with a new mission at Avery. We are going to pack bags of food to distribute to a local elementary school on Fridays for kids that don't always get meals on the weekends. So this was a kickoff event where we packed a coloring book, crayons, pretzels, and fruit snacks to hand out (with a letter asking for interest in families participating). So, packing the bags was happening in the kitchen. Instantly Savannah wanted juice. I told her there wasn't any, and that we were going to help pack bags (I want her to become active in helping others at an early age.). Well, when she saw the snacks going in the bags she wanted some of those. I again had to tell her no, they were for someone else and we could get snacks at home...well I suppose all of the "no"s just got to her, because when we were getting ready to go I had stopped to talk to the pastor's wife and Savannah was crying in Carl's arms about not leaving. So when I finally got to the car, she was screaming and crying and refusing her car seat...her face was red and she was just SO angry...like to the point I thought she might throw up. We had to struggle to get her strapped in...like we had to hold her down and tighten the straps...it was just awful. I was so angry because she was being so awful...it was just a mess. I even told her that if she didn't stop and just let us get her in her seat that she couldn't have the iPod the rest of the day...she didn't care.

We finally made it home, and eventually she calmed down. She asked several times to use the iPod, but we stuck to our guns and told her no each time. I explained every time that it was because she didn't listen to me in the car...and at one point she asked me about the iPod and I said no and she told me why she couldn't have it. So I know she understood the consequence and why it was being required.

It's kind of amusing though to me...Carl had left for his meeting after lunch and as soon as he walked in the door Savannah went running to him and said, "Daddy, can I have the iPod?"...she totally knew that he's the easiest target! So he really has to work on being diligent about the rules...just the other day she wanted a cupcake and I told her she had to eat her toast first...well Carl hadn't been paying attention and a little later he walked over to her and asked if she wanted a cupcake (since he was eating his)...she looked down at her uneaten toast, then smiled up at him and said "yes!"...and I had to step in and remind them both that the toast came first. So she knew that she was supposed to eat it, but was totally going to take advantage of him!

So it was a rough hour after church on Sunday...and I'm angry with myself for being so angry. I know that if I just calm down, and let her calm down, that we can talk and not yell and scream at each other...I just lose my patience so fast...and Carl had his meeting to get to, and we were already later getting home because we had stayed to help...and I felt pressured to get him home so he could go to his meeting...because otherwise he thinks I'm being "unsupportive"...don't even get me started on that issue! I just hate that she brought out the worst in me...again. I know some of it is hormones (I have hot flashes like every hour now!) and I can't always control myself the way I'd like...but I'm the adult...I should know better.

NO Control.

Last night was probably one of my worst showings as a mother. I honestly don't know how I stayed calm enough to remain sane. Savannah was pretty tired after a long day (and a late bedtime the night before) and we had to run to Kroger's for 3 things. I knew it'd be a quick trip, but I also thought we might get lucky and have her fall asleep in the car on the way back. So I decided we could get her in a dry nighttime diaper and put her PJs on before we left...so if she did fall asleep we could easily just carry her to bed. WELL. Savannah had completely different ideas. She refused to be changed (even though she was wet and had a rash recently from all the OJ she'd been drinking). Counting to three used to scare her enough that she would end up giving in and I wouldn't even have to put her in timeout. Well, I got to three and she was still crying and screaming at me that she didn't want to go shopping and didn't want a dry diaper. So I put her in timeout. She promptly crawled out. Carl and I put her back so many times...I didn't even count. Then when she had at least stopped crying I went to talk to her and told her we had to change...well it started all over again! By the time Carl and I got her wet pull-up off she was ripping the dry diaper! I lost my patience so quickly at that point. I just got up and went to the garage, slammed the door to the house, and then opened the main garage door. I wanted to cry or just leave so badly. After my 5 minute cooling off I went back in, and Carl had gotten her to listen and get dressed...but she still was whining about not going shopping. We did make it to the store, and she was well-behaved while we were out. And of course, she never fell asleep in the car.

So why did I force the issue? I am just a firm believer that if I allow a 2 year old to tell me when I can and can't go to the store, then I'll have a 13 year old telling me what I can and can't do. I just don't want to start a trend like that. I am in control, I'm the parent...but when she was screaming and I felt like I was losing my mind, I couldn't help but think, "When did we lose control?".

It was madness...and it hurts my relationship with her. It frustrates me to the point of almost walking out...which can't be good for her to see...and she hates me for forcing something on her. It just makes us both miserable. I didn't enjoy being around her for one second yesterday afternoon...and that is so sad to think. I just felt so powerless and horrible. I hated being "mean"...but I also hated the idea of her dictating our lives...I didn't know what to do. I hate that it got that heated to start with.

I think some of the problem is that we haven't had to follow through with time out in a long time...so we need to get back to enforcing it. We also are being undermined from others at times too. The other day Savannah "hitting" her grandpa with a paper puppet. I told her not to hit in a very serious voice, and then her Nana says, "Just do it easy" and smiles at her! So how I am supposed to enforce any rules when Nana encourages it - in OUR house! We also haven't actually used time-out in a while...so we're just going to have to crack down on it.

And one other major source of trouble - she isn't getting enough sleep. She hasn't napped since Thanksgiving...and she somehow has gotten bedtime pushed back farther and farther. It is hard to be diligent with bedtime when Carl is out for this or that...or if I'm busy he waits for me to help...even if it gets to be too late. She also now sleeps with the lights on, so that keeps her awake longer I think...but turning off the light is a whole other issue. Nap time is hard, because she won't nap. I am going to enforce a "quiet hour" at our house in the afternoon. No TV, no iPod...just her sitting in her room reading books or playing with blocks...sometime to calm down and relax. The baby is going to need to nap too...and maybe this will help.

I have been saying this entire pregnancy, "Why did we want a second one when the first is so good and easy?"...but now I'm totally thinking "I hope the baby gets here so I can at least predict its behavior!"