Ball of Emotions

I'm still waiting (not so patiently) on Luke/Ella to arrive. Every day I wake up and wonder, will today be the day I meet my child?

At this point, we are ready. I finally got my car back - it looks brand new! I was shocked at how happy getting the car back would make me. They took great care of it and detailed it completely. It is shiny and new looking, the inside is properly cleaned...even things I'd tried to clean but had no success with were completely cleaned up. The car seats are installed and ready for two little Polands to ride around. The bags for the hospital are neatly stacked in the back, ready for the big day. I love my car...more than I thought I'd ever love a car!

We also had our big special day with Savannah on Saturday. We had planned it all week last week, but didn't tell her until Saturday morning. I didn't want to get her so excited about it, and then go into labor and have to cancel everything. So on Saturday morning, when she climbed into bed with us I told her we had a big day and it was going to be "Savannah's Special Day", just like Boots had on an episode of Dora. She was so excited. We went to the Play Place at the mall and had 45 minutes of unrestricted play...and we had the place pretty much to ourselves since we got an early start to the day. She loved every second of it. Next we went to Target. They had a special read-aloud program that morning and she got a goodie bag of snacks and Dr. Seuss things...and we bought her a book. We did our regular grocery shopping too...but she got an Icee (she has grown to love my favorite guilty pleasure!) and a Hello Kitty item as well. Next stop was Five Guys Burgers and the awesome Coke machine. The burgers are great, but the size of our local establishment is small, which made for a very uncomfortable eating arrangement for me. Savannah enjoyed the hustle and bustle of it all though. Then we went bowling. She loves to bowl. She would clap and cheer for us, and when she got a strike she was SO excited! It was so fun to just enjoy simple pleasures with her! After bowling we went to Naticakes, a new local frozen yogurt bar. Delicious! Savannah loved picking out her own toppings and she just sat quiet and content eating her concoction (she just picked vanilla ice cream with m&ms and sprinkles). We headed home after that...she had her quiet time and then she and I ran to the store to pick up two items that I'd forgotten earlier. She was my helper and carried everything - and even insisted on carrying the bag once we paid. She loves to shop! She and I then made a cherry pie (so I cheated on filling and used canned, but the crust was homemade!). She loves to bake with me, and I figured that a homemade crust would be hard to come by for a while. After the pie she painted with her water colors with Carl. This is her absolute favorite thing to do at school...so she was SO excited to be able to paint at home with Dad. Near bedtime she and I each got into PJs and painted our nails together...we had a quick little "Pajama Party" in our bed and watched an episode of Mickey Mouse together...it was the perfect ending to the perfect day. She was an angel all day, enjoyed it all, and was happy to have us with her. Carl bought me a pair of socks at the bowling alley (I have a collection of crazy socks - they are my weakness!) as a memento of the day. It is really nice to have...because in the years to come I know I will look back on that day as one of the best days as a family of three. We are ready to welcome a new member to our family, but it was so nice to enjoy life the way it has been for the past three years too. Sunday morning we had, quite possibly, the last "cuddle in bed and be lazy" morning. Savannah climbed in around 7:00am and we stayed there for a while. She'd cuddle up against me and say "I love you" and squeeze me tight...those have to be some of my favorite moments as a mom.

So we have done just about everything we can to prepare for Luke/Ella. Now we wait. We still have a lot of people watching every move we make...everyone is waiting. I know last week I said it was hard to live up to the pressure of it all, but as the day nears I am more and more thankful for the amount of people who are praying for and supporting us. I am blessed to have such a strong family, friend, and church support system. We even had strong support from people we work with...it's just so amazing to see how many people are awaiting the news of Luke/Ella's arrival. We are blessed. I still wake up in the early hours of the morning and can't go back to sleep. Recently it hasn't been so much that I'm uncomfortable, it's just that I can't turn my mind off. Last night I woke up wondering if the video camera battery was still charged, and if Carl remembers how to connect the camera to the tripod. Then I began wondering if I packed any binkies for the hospital, and if I did pack some, did I sterilize them? So I had my mom search for the special ones Savannah picked out months ago...and had her sterilize them so I could pack them when I get home. Apparently the whole "can't turn off my brain" thing is now getting to Carl...when I turned over at 5:00am this morning, he just sighed and said, "What time is it?"...no one is getting any sleep now...we just are on high alert and ready.

I also have been thinking a lot about the labor now...I've been so focused on the whole holding a baby thing that I've conveniently forgotten (and ignored( the idea of labor. When I had Savannah, I had a point to prove...I was going to deliver a baby without medication since everyone said I couldn't. Well...now I've proven my point. So will I cave in to the pain and get medication? I really want to give this child the same start that Savannah had. But I also know the pain involved with that...when I was in labor with Savannah I just kept thinking "It can't last forever...it can't get much worse, right?"...and then by the time it did hurt worse I couldn't have gotten medication anyway...well now I know the pain, I know it can get worse, and I know that it can take time. So what I will I do? I hope to be able to give the gift of a drug free birth to another child...but we will see. I just want a healthy baby, and whatever way we get to it I will be happy. I also am beginning to fear the dread the recovery...I know what this all entails too...so much to not look forward to. I think one thing that is helping me to get through that fear and dread is knowing that I will be holding a baby while dealing with the recovery...and unfortunately I know the pain of postpartum recovery without a baby to hold...so this time I will have a little person to keep by my side.

Today I have my 38 week appointment. As long as my body is still showing signs of labor progressing (which, if it doesn't show signs I'd like to know what my body has been doing this past week with all the Braxton Hicks and jabs and cramps!) then the midwife will strip my membranes. The doctor did this with Savannah on a Wednesday, contractions started on that Thursday, and she was born 24 hours after the start of contractions...so that means Luke/Ella could be here very soon! Of course there are so many outcomes that are possible right now...I could have a breech baby again (Luke/Ella had better not be breech again!)...or I could be showing no signs of progression and they refuse to strip the membranes...or they could strip the membranes and my body does nothing but get irritated with me...or they could do it and I go into labor within hours...or they could do it and labor starts tomorrow...or Wednesday...I could have to wait another week for all I know! I will be doing my best to encourage this baby though...spicy food for dinner and a long walk after the doctor's appointment. We just have to wait and see...which feels like all we've been doing for months now!

In the last week (or even days) of pregnancy I have become the crazy emotional pregnant lady. I'm sad that we are closing a chapter in our family's story as a family of three, excited to see Savannah grow into the "Best Big Sister Ever" (as she proudly tells us), excited to find out is it Luke or Ella?!, excited to welcome another child home, worried about the process of delivery and labor, fearful of what's to come, how is my marriage going to handle all of this...just so much to think about...if only I had a newborn crying in my ear to keep my mind off all the "big issues" and focused on the tiny toes and fingers...