So Tired.

I am exhausted this morning...emotionally drained. I fell asleep somewhere around 10:30pm and woke up around 3:30am when Savannah cried for me...and then I woke up every hour until 6:45 with a toddler poking me in the ribs. Even with all the space issues in bed (and it's only going to get worse as I begin to take more space), I love having her next to me.

I'm emotionally drained because Carl and I fought before bedtime...about a lot of pent up things that have been bothering us both. It started when we were on our way home last night from grocery shopping. His mom needed help moving and cleaning...and our lawn has needed mowed for weeks...and every time it doesn't rain we're busy...so last night it didn't rain and he wanted to help his mother...so I told him we should get things done at our house and then he could go Thursday night to help her...and I thought that was the plan. Then at 8:25 when it's time to get Savannah into bed, Carl says "I think it's best that I go help my mom tonight."...at 8:30pm! Which would leave me, yet again, to put Savannah to bed alone. While I know it isn't a lot of work, and really I don't mind it, it bothers me because Savannah realizes it. She asks where he is...she knows he's not there with her...and I'm left to explain it. Of course, I try to explain it in a positive light, when I'm fuming inside.

So in the end he didn't go last night, but I was still upset. I was upset because Savannah and I didn't see Carl pretty much the entire weekend. He worked late Friday night, leaving Savannah and I stuck at my parents without a car so my mom had to take us home after 9:00pm...then Saturday he volunteered for the church from 3:00pm until 1:00am...and then Sunday he was gone 7:30am until 7:45pm helping his mother move...leaving me to put Savannah in bed 3 times, alone. He was around on Monday to help with bedtime, and of course Tuesday was Bible Study so Grandma had bedtime duty...so when he wanted to miss yet another bedtime, I had just had it.

He took my anger as being an "unsupportive wife"...he was incredibly busy with work, his mom was up against a deadline, and I wasn't being helpful. So from his side, I understand...work is demanding, but it pays our bills. I get it. I just wish I had some advance notice of him working until 9:00pm so I'd know not to go to my parents without a car. He said he didn't know he'd be late...so all I have to say to that is, that I obviously didn't either, so he can't be annoyed with me being annoyed...neither one of us knew it was going to happen!

I fully support him volunteering with the church. I just asked him to move my vacuum between floors of the house before he left. (I usually have one for every floor...but unfortunately for me, his mom has one of mine right now...) So I mopped and cleaned and Savannah and I made an apple pie and I didn't complain. It was a fun evening for Savannah and I.

Sunday is where my annoyance grew. He was gone all day...and I realize his mother is moving...and I'm supportive of that...but I practically had to drag him away from her moving day in order to attend a viewing for my dear friend's husband. Then, I had to attend and manage the church fellowship meal which we always do together, but I was alone. He complained when I insisted he come home to help with Savannah's bedtime...but by that time I was exhausted. Savannah's behavior shows negative sides when he is gone so much...and she has this habit of using me as a jungle gym. I usually can handle it, but now that my belly is growing, it actually hurts when she climbs all over me...and she doesn't understand why I won't let her...which just adds to the grouchy-ness. When no one else is home to be a jungle gym for her, it becomes really, really tiring.

So again, he thought I was unsupportive of him helping his mom move...and while I fully understand that she has a deadline and has to be out of the house...I also disagree with some things. We asked when we returned from Seattle (two weeks ago) about helping on the weekend of the 17th/18th...but she said she had plans...so because she put things off, we're the ones putting our plans aside to help her. Carl just says "well the past is the past, and she has a deadline now"...but there is always a deadline for something! I don't know...I guess I just commit to the school of thought that when you are asking someone for their help, you take it when they offer it...not when it's convenient for you. He said I could have been supportive on the day of the move and done something. I again reminded him that I can't lift things - I am pregnant! So he said I could have brought pizza over...well, I was free at 10am, but pizza places aren't open then! At lunch time I was rushing from church to pick him up so we could attend a viewing in Fairmont...and at dinner time I was busy running the fellowship dinner! So I don't know what planet he was living on, but that wasn't really a realistic expectation at all!

So pretty much an all out shouting war erupted at 9:45 last night...I was upset, hurt, felt like the bottom of the priority list...and Carl was telling me I'm unsupportive and I always have to be right. I know that I like to be right, but I also know that if I don't fight for time with him, Savannah and I will be home alone a lot.

He was asking me to be on his "team" and we're a "team", but his definition of "team" is to support him in what stresses and ails him. So while I'm supposed to be supportive of him during stressful times at work and through this move, he is allowed to just ignore some major things going on in my life. Friday was one of the absolute most stressful days at work for me...so when I was annoyed about him working late, I had already had a pretty stressful and tiring day. I also am growing a person here! It isn't like that doesn't take any energy! I maintained the house, kept everyone fed, paid our bills and everything all week while I was stressed to the max at work (some days I didn't even have time for breakfast or lunch!).

Really, after some minutes of arguing I burst into sobs...and my underlying emotions came through. Not only was I incredibly busy last week, but my good friend at work had to face the death of her husband. Death has always been touchy for me...but after losing two children it's been even harder on me. So while being busy kind of kept my fears and worries at bay, this week has been much slower, and everything has bubbled up to the surface. I'm off Celexa now...I took my last dose last night...so in the midst of losing a friend and being stressed to the max, I also was weaning off the one thing that kept me going emotionally.

So on Sunday when I had to attend a viewing for a friend's husband, and face the reality of death and loss...I had to do so with Carl absent...sure he was at the viewing, but those emotions don't just exist at the viewing...it was a hard day for me to face...and my support of Celexa was almost out of my system, I am already emotional because I'm pregnant...and the one thing I had as support before Celexa wasn't there. During the ordeal with the second miscarriage, being with Carl and him holding me was the only thing to keep me from panicking...he was my rock...and so when I'm faced with a really tough situation, without my Celexa...my other rock is missing, and had been for two days prior due to other commitments. So of course I was angry and disappointed that when I needed him most, when I was facing the death of someone's husband, I was alone without mine...who is my rock.

And where was he? With his mother. I realize this isn't her fault, that she has to move this week and she closes on her house tomorrow...but I also think that if Carl is going to ask me to be supportive and on his "team" and understand she needs him...he also needs to ask the same of her. I hate to be the one to come between him and his mom, and that's not what I'm trying to do...I just wish he would realize that while I look fine on the outside, my emotions are wrecking havoc inside...and I need him too. I hate to feel like he is being stretched in a million different ways...and that is something he is going to have to manage. I wish I could just not care if he was helping a million other people instead of me...but I am his wife after all...I'd like to feel like I come first at some point...and Savannah...she notices it all. It was a perfect storm of work stress, family stress, and emotional stress all rolled into one weekend.

So last night I sobbed...and sobbed...and at one point Carl thought he was going to have to put me in the car and take me to the hospital. I was so upset that my breathing was labored and he kept telling me to breathe deep for the baby...I eventually did calm down...but it is sad that it took that much for him to realize I'm not perfect and strong and able to just keeping on going without him.

(Baby is fine - kicking up a storm this morning.)

100! Already?!...And Gender Issues

As I began writing this post I noticed in the sidebar that this is my 100th post...don't I get some sort of big party or news story? I know all kinds of TV shows certainly celebrate making 100 episodes!

Anywho...this week has truly been a gift from God when it comes to Baby #2. I have been delighted to feel so many kicks and rolls from this little one. Carl was even able to feel quite a few last night as we were watching our favorite shows on Tivo. I'm excited for a time to come up that the baby is really active and Savannah is around. I can't wait to see her reaction to my belly kicking her!

I was reminded this morning of just how truly blessed I am. A good friend of mine is also pregnant, and she sent me a message about a scare at an appointment. She is 12 weeks...took her first son with her to the appointment...but then the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. All turned out fine, an ultrasound revealed a perfectly healthy baby...just being stubborn and laying in a difficult position to hear a heartbeat with a Doppler. Her story reminded me of a time when I was 11 weeks pregnant...Savannah was with us as the doctor's office...and they couldn't find a heartbeat...it was the start of a truly very difficult 6 weeks - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am so very blessed to be feeling this little baby moving inside me, and to be 17 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I am almost half way there...it is such a completely amazing feeling.

I know that I will love this child just as much as I love Savannah...no more, no less. But I also think that I appreciate this pregnancy much more than I did when I was pregnant with Savannah. I have felt the loss of two pregnancies and know that each child is a true gift. I'm not guaranteed healthy children - no one is. I'm not promised to have life work out according to my plan. I also have been thinking that this may be my last pregnancy...I adore children...but pregnancy and the ups and downs of it all are hard to stay strong through. If I hadn't experienced so much trouble in the past, it might be easy for me to be eager for a third child...but for now, this could be my last pregnancy. And knowing that has really made me love every second of it. I take pride in my belly (and wish it would grow bigger soon!), I am thrilled to pieces about all the kicks and jabs, I will welcome the pounds when they start to add on...and I will most definitely show off a pregnant belly in a bikini at a pool! I haven't (and won't) complain about the liters of blood it seems like I "donate" every time I visit the doctor's office. I will drink the glucose test orange "syrup" with pride...I love this feeling, but know it could be the last time...it is truly an experience that I wish every woman could have. I think after the miscarriages I kept thinking I wanted to experience pregnancy one more time...that I wasn't done enjoying the giver of life...and it pained me to think of the women unable to bear children...it is such an amazing gift...and I kind of feel sorry for men (almost!).

As the pregnancy begins to lengthen, I have been asked about when we will find out the gender...I think in the past three days I've been asked about 10 times! The plan is to not find out...we technically could on October 19th...but I've always wanted a surprise baby. There are of course benefits to knowing...like Savannah would stop telling me I'm having Luke AND Ella...and we could buy boy clothes if need be...and I could make sure the nursery was in the right color scheme...and the baby anticipation celebration could be themed with colors too...but really, does any of that matter? Not to us! A word of caution though...we do not plan to find out (I have said this a million times too!), BUT, I also will not look away from an ultrasound. I have been fighting so hard over the last 2 years to successfully carry a child...and there is nothing that will stop me from watching every second of an ultrasound. Especially since this very well may be the last time we get to see Baby #2 until he/she is born. I will have my eyes glued to the little miracle growing inside...and if this baby wants to declare, "I'm Luke" or "I'm Ella"...well then so be it. If that does happen, Carl and I may still keep the secret from everyone else...who knows. All I know is that we don't intend to go into the ultrasound looking for the answer of gender...we just go looking for a healthy baby...if we find out, well then Luke or Ella and God want us to know.

So...check back 3 weeks from today to see what happened...either way, you can be sure that as long as I hear a heartbeat and see a growing baby, I'll be thrilled!!!

Shame on Me!

I know...it's been almost 3 weeks since I wrote last! Settle in for the long haul - a lot has happened!

Seattle Trip -

Carl and I spent 5 days in Seattle September 10-15...I missed Savannah so, so much. I was there for work part of the time, and I learned a lot. The trip was definitely eye-opening when it comes to a project that will soon be on my plate. Carl and I also enjoyed some sight-seeing prior to the weekdays of work. It was nice to explore a new city together, sleep-in, and eat amazing food while it's still hot! We took advantage of the time away - knowing it may very well be the last trip alone for quite a while. I thought I might be a nervous wreck flying so far, especially considering my anxiety in the past...but I did really well.

Crazyness at Work -

Upon returning from Seattle, I knew I would have 7 days to finish all preparations for the College of Science and Technology's largest recruiting event of the year. This has become my "baby" so to speak...I organized/advertise/plan/run...really any action adjective you can use here...it's mine. I do everything to make sure it happens, and then the day of the Challenge I ensure everything runs smoothly while the faculty engage students in hands-on activities. In years past we have welcomed around 100 students to campus...on Monday (9/19) I learned we would have 340 students instead of the 100...and the event was Friday (9/23)...so needless to say, I was a hectic mess all week last week. It was just insane planning for all of those kids to come to campus...but in the end the day went smoothly (well, as smooth as it can with 340 high school kids involved!)...and we are now planning for an even larger group next year. This truly was one of the largest events and planning successes I have had...great day to love my job! Now I'm slowing down a bit...but there's always something going on for me to participate in or plan...which is good.

A New Home for Hope -

This is one part of our life that saddens me a bit. We are actively searching for a new home for Hope. I do love her, but I feel guilty that she is crated often, or alone often...and I know it will only get worse when the baby comes. It just isn't fair to her...and in reality it isn't fair to us. We often are cleaning up things she's chewed (because she is crated so much she chews everything when she's out) and dealing with the negative side of having a dog...and we never see the positive. The cats never have adjusted to her...constant hissing and cat yells and barking...and Hope often finds the dining room table as her personal step stool...and the amount of cleaning seems to have tripled for me...it has just become too much for us all. We are sad that it didn't work out...especially after all the things we have done to try to make it work...but a dog just doesn't fit with us. When we got her, we really didn't know if we'd ever have a baby...so we thought we'd have the time to really love and train her...and I love dogs...I really truly do...but she has become so much work and I know it will only get worse...and it just isn't fair to anyone. So...one of Carl's coworkers is a nice, single lady, who has a farm, and another dog, and is looking for a black lab puppy...she actually asked Carl about Hope months ago...and so tonight Hope is going to meet her...and if they seem to like each other, Hope may have a home...that will be much, much more fair to her...and she'll be happy. It is really hard for me to let her go, and to admit that it's my fault we're in this situation. But I was emotional...and didn't know the future...and didn't anticipate the amount of friction she would cause between Carl and I...or the way the cats would hate her...or the way Savannah would run from her...she just doesn't fit...and I hate to be one of those people that gets rid of a pet...because pets are family...but I had to make a decision that would be the best for everyone. If Carl's coworker doesn't like Hope, then we will keep her until we find her a good fit...she won't go anywhere that won't love her.

Baby Update! -

So now that all the other randomness of September is out of the way...baby update! I am now almost 17 weeks...I can't believe that! God has really blessed me with this second child, and so far everything has been fine. I have another appointment in 9 days, just a check up, but I'm looking forward to hearing that heart beat again! The "revealing" ultrasound is scheduled for the 19th of October...but we are still planning on waiting for a surprise baby...we just have to hope that the ultrasound isn't too revealing! For the past 2 or 3 weeks I've been telling family that every so often I feel the baby move...just the little flutters...which is about 2-3 weeks earlier than I felt them with Savannah...some people didn't believe me...but I was sure of the feeling. Well, yesterday was a wonderful day for me. I had an hour of some pretty obvious baby movements...and I really think it won't be long before Carl and Savannah can share in the fun and feel them too! Today the little one has been pretty active too...I often feel the rolls and kicks...it is so amazingly delightful to feel! It also is such a great way to keep my mind at ease that he or she is still growing and developing.

It has also become a constant reminder that even if I'd like to believe I still have time...I really don't have all the time in the world to get the nursery back into baby-shape! We've been so busy with work (Carl with a major project too) and Carl's mom moving that the nursery has kind of been put off for another day...but in all reality, 20 more weeks and if I go into labor they won't stop me...that isn't that long! I'm almost to the halfway point! I need to get clothes washed/refolded/put in the drawer...paint the name letters and have them ready to hang up (I'm making a Luke and an Ella...so that way the name can go up before we even get home)...open the double stroller and have Carl build it...pack all the little things from the nursery closet that are sentimental things of Savannah's....and just generally get all the things out of the nursery that don't belong there...I'm hoping that sometime in October we will have an evening or two to work on all that...we may just have to schedule it in!

As for me...I'm feeling great. Physically I'm not as tired as I used to be...and I'm eating again. I still haven't lost or gained any weight...but I'm sure that won't last long...I know the pounds are going to start adding on soon! I also am weaning off my Celexa. Last week I was taking half a dose...and now I only take one half dose tonight, one half dose on Wednesday, and then I'm done - completely off! While it is a medicine that "could" be taken during pregnancy...there is no proof that it is or isn't safe...and there have been rare ties to issues when women take it during the second half of pregnancy...so I say, if I don't need it then I'm not taking it. My doctor fully supports the decision...and so we decided to try it. So far I haven't noticed one bit of difference, so hopefully I'm off it for good! If I need to go back on it (say panic attacks come back, etc.) and it stresses me to the point it isn't safe for the baby...then I will revisit the decision...but I honestly feel just as normal as when I was on it...so hopefully I'm back to being myself! It feels great to know I'm able to do it on my own...and make the best choices for my baby.

So that is the past 3 weeks in a nutshell...a lot of changing emotions and goings-on...but that seems to be the story of my life!!

Amazement

In the past two weeks I really have been amazed by many things...first and foremost, Savannah. She has now officially begun preschool. From what I'm told, she is really shy (no surprise there!) but she must be learning socially. She chattered the entire way home from class the first day, and that night she began praying at our meal...and we have the worst habit of not praying before meals. She prays before snack, so now she is teaching us to pray before we eat. She has just become a little sponge for all the little things she missed out on by staying home. She's singing songs, doing the hand motions, loves parachute time...she just is learning so fast!

The other night I was reading the book "What Was I Scared Of?" by Dr. Seuss (for just about the millionth time!) and she decided she wanted to read to me. So I handed her the book. She opens to the cover page, and says the title. I thought that was cute, and she went on. On each page she has pretty much memorized, word for word, the first line or two of the story...for the entire book! Even the nonsensical words that Dr. Seuss throws in there like "brickel bush" and "snides" she has down pat. I called for Carl then...and had her read to him. We were just so surprised that all this time she has taken in so much...so from now on we're going to read to her and point to the words...she is obviously learning the words, now to get her to learn to associate the letters with the words!

She also is learning the alphabet super fast...it seems like just the other day she could care less about letters...but now she is telling me what letter (and how many of that letter) she sees on a page. She also told me that a capital "M" is an upside down capital "W"...it just never ceases to amaze me how fast children (not just Savannah - but ALL kids) learn. I wish I was able to learn like that when I was in college!!

The other reason I have kind of been amazed at recently is the amount of attention people crave from facebook. I am the first to admit, I love facebook. I love reading posts, I love the games, I love the photos and videos. Most of my updates on facebook are Savannah related, usually a funny story or celebrating an accomplishment. I try to sensor myself though. I have discovered that not everyone is so willing to sensor. Some people share every last gory detail of illness (them or kids), there disdain for those who blog about "every second of their life", those who just post to complain...the list just goes on and on. Facebook is the perfect place for people to obsess about their own wants and needs...and a lot of people don't care who their words offend.

My biggest issue here is a status posted by an acquaintance shortly (within 20 minutes) after I posted my blog post (on facebook) about being pregnant. Her status, in short, said that people need to get over themselves and stop posting blogs and on facebook about every detail of their lives to the minute. I certainly can understand that her post wasn't necessarily directed towards me...but it did strike a cord. I had just posted (in a timeline, minute fashion) a blog post and linked it to facebook within 20 minutes of her status. It could be a coincidence...who knows. I did send her a private message that explained why I posted the details, as I so rarely post timelines, and that I think blogs are a great form of therapy. To which I was told that blogs often allow people to "wallow in self pity"...at this point I was pretty hurt. After suffering through two miscarriages in the past year, I really think I have done remarkably well...sure there are days I was depressed...but I certainly don't think I was using a blog for self pity. Her response after my explanation again was just denial that her status reflected anything about me, but in general, and I should "back off". In the end, I just let it be...maybe she was posting about someone else...but it still revealed how people act when it comes to facebook. There is no way she would have said anything like that to my face...but online...who cares who gets hurt?

So humans and their nature continue to amaze me...in all facets of life...I just hope I continue to remember who I am, what my morals are, and what I want to teach my children about interacting with others in the world we share.