So Tired.

I am exhausted this morning...emotionally drained. I fell asleep somewhere around 10:30pm and woke up around 3:30am when Savannah cried for me...and then I woke up every hour until 6:45 with a toddler poking me in the ribs. Even with all the space issues in bed (and it's only going to get worse as I begin to take more space), I love having her next to me.

I'm emotionally drained because Carl and I fought before bedtime...about a lot of pent up things that have been bothering us both. It started when we were on our way home last night from grocery shopping. His mom needed help moving and cleaning...and our lawn has needed mowed for weeks...and every time it doesn't rain we're busy...so last night it didn't rain and he wanted to help his mother...so I told him we should get things done at our house and then he could go Thursday night to help her...and I thought that was the plan. Then at 8:25 when it's time to get Savannah into bed, Carl says "I think it's best that I go help my mom tonight."...at 8:30pm! Which would leave me, yet again, to put Savannah to bed alone. While I know it isn't a lot of work, and really I don't mind it, it bothers me because Savannah realizes it. She asks where he is...she knows he's not there with her...and I'm left to explain it. Of course, I try to explain it in a positive light, when I'm fuming inside.

So in the end he didn't go last night, but I was still upset. I was upset because Savannah and I didn't see Carl pretty much the entire weekend. He worked late Friday night, leaving Savannah and I stuck at my parents without a car so my mom had to take us home after 9:00pm...then Saturday he volunteered for the church from 3:00pm until 1:00am...and then Sunday he was gone 7:30am until 7:45pm helping his mother move...leaving me to put Savannah in bed 3 times, alone. He was around on Monday to help with bedtime, and of course Tuesday was Bible Study so Grandma had bedtime duty...so when he wanted to miss yet another bedtime, I had just had it.

He took my anger as being an "unsupportive wife"...he was incredibly busy with work, his mom was up against a deadline, and I wasn't being helpful. So from his side, I understand...work is demanding, but it pays our bills. I get it. I just wish I had some advance notice of him working until 9:00pm so I'd know not to go to my parents without a car. He said he didn't know he'd be late...so all I have to say to that is, that I obviously didn't either, so he can't be annoyed with me being annoyed...neither one of us knew it was going to happen!

I fully support him volunteering with the church. I just asked him to move my vacuum between floors of the house before he left. (I usually have one for every floor...but unfortunately for me, his mom has one of mine right now...) So I mopped and cleaned and Savannah and I made an apple pie and I didn't complain. It was a fun evening for Savannah and I.

Sunday is where my annoyance grew. He was gone all day...and I realize his mother is moving...and I'm supportive of that...but I practically had to drag him away from her moving day in order to attend a viewing for my dear friend's husband. Then, I had to attend and manage the church fellowship meal which we always do together, but I was alone. He complained when I insisted he come home to help with Savannah's bedtime...but by that time I was exhausted. Savannah's behavior shows negative sides when he is gone so much...and she has this habit of using me as a jungle gym. I usually can handle it, but now that my belly is growing, it actually hurts when she climbs all over me...and she doesn't understand why I won't let her...which just adds to the grouchy-ness. When no one else is home to be a jungle gym for her, it becomes really, really tiring.

So again, he thought I was unsupportive of him helping his mom move...and while I fully understand that she has a deadline and has to be out of the house...I also disagree with some things. We asked when we returned from Seattle (two weeks ago) about helping on the weekend of the 17th/18th...but she said she had plans...so because she put things off, we're the ones putting our plans aside to help her. Carl just says "well the past is the past, and she has a deadline now"...but there is always a deadline for something! I don't know...I guess I just commit to the school of thought that when you are asking someone for their help, you take it when they offer it...not when it's convenient for you. He said I could have been supportive on the day of the move and done something. I again reminded him that I can't lift things - I am pregnant! So he said I could have brought pizza over...well, I was free at 10am, but pizza places aren't open then! At lunch time I was rushing from church to pick him up so we could attend a viewing in Fairmont...and at dinner time I was busy running the fellowship dinner! So I don't know what planet he was living on, but that wasn't really a realistic expectation at all!

So pretty much an all out shouting war erupted at 9:45 last night...I was upset, hurt, felt like the bottom of the priority list...and Carl was telling me I'm unsupportive and I always have to be right. I know that I like to be right, but I also know that if I don't fight for time with him, Savannah and I will be home alone a lot.

He was asking me to be on his "team" and we're a "team", but his definition of "team" is to support him in what stresses and ails him. So while I'm supposed to be supportive of him during stressful times at work and through this move, he is allowed to just ignore some major things going on in my life. Friday was one of the absolute most stressful days at work for me...so when I was annoyed about him working late, I had already had a pretty stressful and tiring day. I also am growing a person here! It isn't like that doesn't take any energy! I maintained the house, kept everyone fed, paid our bills and everything all week while I was stressed to the max at work (some days I didn't even have time for breakfast or lunch!).

Really, after some minutes of arguing I burst into sobs...and my underlying emotions came through. Not only was I incredibly busy last week, but my good friend at work had to face the death of her husband. Death has always been touchy for me...but after losing two children it's been even harder on me. So while being busy kind of kept my fears and worries at bay, this week has been much slower, and everything has bubbled up to the surface. I'm off Celexa now...I took my last dose last night...so in the midst of losing a friend and being stressed to the max, I also was weaning off the one thing that kept me going emotionally.

So on Sunday when I had to attend a viewing for a friend's husband, and face the reality of death and loss...I had to do so with Carl absent...sure he was at the viewing, but those emotions don't just exist at the viewing...it was a hard day for me to face...and my support of Celexa was almost out of my system, I am already emotional because I'm pregnant...and the one thing I had as support before Celexa wasn't there. During the ordeal with the second miscarriage, being with Carl and him holding me was the only thing to keep me from panicking...he was my rock...and so when I'm faced with a really tough situation, without my Celexa...my other rock is missing, and had been for two days prior due to other commitments. So of course I was angry and disappointed that when I needed him most, when I was facing the death of someone's husband, I was alone without mine...who is my rock.

And where was he? With his mother. I realize this isn't her fault, that she has to move this week and she closes on her house tomorrow...but I also think that if Carl is going to ask me to be supportive and on his "team" and understand she needs him...he also needs to ask the same of her. I hate to be the one to come between him and his mom, and that's not what I'm trying to do...I just wish he would realize that while I look fine on the outside, my emotions are wrecking havoc inside...and I need him too. I hate to feel like he is being stretched in a million different ways...and that is something he is going to have to manage. I wish I could just not care if he was helping a million other people instead of me...but I am his wife after all...I'd like to feel like I come first at some point...and Savannah...she notices it all. It was a perfect storm of work stress, family stress, and emotional stress all rolled into one weekend.

So last night I sobbed...and sobbed...and at one point Carl thought he was going to have to put me in the car and take me to the hospital. I was so upset that my breathing was labored and he kept telling me to breathe deep for the baby...I eventually did calm down...but it is sad that it took that much for him to realize I'm not perfect and strong and able to just keeping on going without him.

(Baby is fine - kicking up a storm this morning.)