Growth and Change

I think I'd like to believe that the miscarriage pain and change and hurt is gone...but I don't think it is. I think parts of that year of horror will stay with me for the rest of my life. I also think it has changed me, in many ways.

I appreciate this pregnancy much, much more than I ever appreciated the pregnancy with Savannah. I don't love this child any more or less than Savannah, but I have been reminding myself daily to enjoy the little moments of it all.

I also think I will be one of the "nervous first-time mom" types with this second child. We were so relaxed with Savannah because we were so confident that things always work out...well now we know that things don't always go the way you want or plan...so I have a feeling we will be more cautious and nervous the second time around...I will fret over the little things that I just brushed off with Savannah.

Not only has my parenting style been changed...but I think my priorities in life in general have changed immensely. I hate to say that my experiences have changed me a lot...but it has shaped my ideas about a lot of things - like Hope. Making the decision to find her a new home was a difficult one...one that included many, many tears...and there still are tears...but I know I did the best for my family, for Hope, and for everyone involved. It was tough to do, letting go of something you love...but I had to really look at the dynamics of our household...and think about what they would be like this spring, with a second child involved. I think that is when the decision became final for me...I value my children so VERY much...more than anything in this world...and to think about a house of arguing parents (Carl crated Hope more than I'd like, which always ended in a squabble between the two of us.) with two small children broke my heart...I have worked SO VERY HARD to get to this point...to have two children...I don't want to miss a moment with either child or to have a house of unhappiness...and so, unfortunately that meant a new home for Hope. I realize that Carl and I will still disagree on things...but that was just one of many factors...I guess I've become jaded about things...I don't know...I appreciate the lives God granted us much more than ever before.

While pets are family, they still aren't my children...so I had to make a decision for our household...and when the decision was made, I made a responsible choice in a new home for Hope...which I'd like to add sounds like much more fun and love for Hope than our house ever did!

I know that everyone doesn't agree with me...and that's okay. I just hope others can see our reasons and know we made the best choice for our own household and for Hope.