New Year - New Family Dynamics

Well, it's almost time to wish 2011 goodbye. I wish I could say I'm sad to see the year change...but I'm not. It has been a completely emotional journey this year. The emotional high of being pregnant, the low of miscarrying, the extra low of facing anxiety and depression, and then the highs again of birthdays and pregnancy.

Savannah has transformed from a toddler to more of a preschooler...she has opinions and attitudes and independence...she looks and acts so different from last year. She is almost potty trained (I so wish this wasn't a months long process with her - I half blame myself for the set backs though.) She counts, sings all kinds of songs...and even adds now! We are working on adding small numbers...I hold up fingers on each hand and she has learned how to add the fingers by counting them all as a set...it's just ridiculous what she knows. She recites the Lord's Prayer with me at night, as well as thanks God for all kinds of things I leave out ("Thank you for my fan, for mommy's glasses, for my doll,...")

Carl and I have survived (and at times thrived) a year of hardships...we are still in love, still love our family, and are excited for another year together. In February we will have been "together" for 10 years - now that is hard to believe! Carl had wanted to surprise me with a trip to New York City for Valentine's Day (the spot we started dating)...but I'll be 37 weeks pregnant - no way I'm leaving Morgantown!! Our 5th wedding anniversary is in June, but we won't be doing much. I know I won't want to leave Savannah and Luke/Ella that soon.

It's not to say that our family hasn't struggled some...outside of the whole miscarriage thing. We are busy as always, we argue over in-laws and silly things...and he has recently decided to take on another responsibility outside of the home. He's decided to join others in a group that has a lot of meetings...which is much to my dismay. He has "business" meetings twice a month in the evenings (honestly what kind of group needs to meet that often?!), in addition to meeting with one of the more senior members once a week for at least the next 6 weeks. This is all in addition to Bible Study (which I will be giving up - sitting in a hard chair for an hour has become too difficult) that means every other week he will be gone 3 nights in a row and then on off weeks he'll be gone 2 nights a week....AND he is still supposed to work as usual and he takes care of his mother's responsibilities as well...just where Savannah, myself, and Luke/Ella fit in I'm not sure. It's been a point of contention at our house for sure...it isn't so much that I hate it, I hate the time it takes from family...and the family is growing into a family of 4 soon. He just has terrible timing and doesn't want to hear anything I have to say about it.

The other day was a day that Savannah and I stayed home all day, and around 2:00 Carl called to tell me he was going to one of those meetings at 7:00...which was really irritating. If I had known he was going to be gone at night, Savannah and I would have gone out in the day, just to break up all the time spent together at home...so I wasn't happy about it. Then he worked until a little after 6:00...so I had basically 25 minutes alone that day...and he said he'd be back at 8:00, so if I wanted to wait to do bedtime so he could help (bath time is becoming really cumbersome...I honestly don't think I can lift her out of the tub anymore) I could wait...so I did. At 8:30 he wasn't home, so I called. He said he'd be home soon...Savannah eventually fell asleep on the couch waiting for her dad. I had to sit in the living room with her until he got home since I can't carry her up the stairs...that was around 10:15. All day Savannah asked for her dad, and then when she asked for him to play with her Little People with her I told her he had to leave again and she started to cry and told him she didn't want him to leave...and then when she was trying to stay awake for him she kept saying "I need my daddy"...it just makes it really hard to see and hear that and know that he is making that choice, to be gone. Then the days after he's been gone her behavior is worse...which is just lovely when I'm home with her all day and can't do things she wants me to (like carry her and crawl around and get up and down in the floor with her...). When he was getting ready to leave that night I started crying...it was just too much to handle emotionally. Savannah was upset, I definitely was tired and needed a break...and Carl was eager to leave. I just wish he could switch with me for one day and realize what it's like. Savannah saw me crying and came running over...and she seemed almost panicked, like she didn't know what to do since I was the one crying. She suddenly said, "Oh I know! I get my wee rabbit!" (Lovey), and she brought it to me and asked if I was better. I told her I was, but she got her stuffed dog too, just in case. I know we're raising a wonderfully caring little girl when she does stuff like that...but it is still so hard to not cry about the other things in life.

I don't know...I guess I'm jaded some. I've lost two children and know that I will never get to spend time with them...and then Carl makes choices to leave the house and the family he should want to be near. I understand that we can't be with our kids 24 hours a day, every day...we have to work to pay for our house and food...we also need breaks occasionally...and our kids need to do things without us sometimes so they can learn how to become responsible citizens of society...but night after night is ridiculous.

So what will come in the next 10 weeks? We'll be blessed with another child...but I also remember the first 10 months of Savannah's life were the hardest months of our marriage...and Carl wasn't taking care of his mother's responsibilities or joining some "elite only" group that requires insane amounts of time...so I foresee it to be worse. Hopefully I'm strong enough to survive, and he's smart enough to make better decisions.

Here's to hoping 2012 is full of joy, happiness, and love to everyone!

Holidays!

There are times when I am reminded of why I work where I do, for the smaller salary than my peers. Times like now. I may not earn what most Industrial Engineers with a Master's Degree would make...but I have this week and next to spend with Savannah...one week is vacation days and the other is just holiday for the entire University. It has been such a blessing!

Savannah and I have had a busy first 3 days of our vacation together. We have shopped...and shopped...and shopped for Christmas presents. We have then wrapped the presents (Carl's are all the same color wrapping paper, ribbon, and bow thanks to her!). We've made gingerbread cookies, and colored in wooden ornaments for her own little tree, and we've cleaned the house...and organized some things for Baby Luke/Ella's arrival. We have been busy - but it has been amazingly fun. Today on our way to pick up my mom (to go shopping with us yet again) Savannah said, "We're going to Grandma's?" and I told her yes, and she said "I don't want you to leave me there."...I know most certainly that wasn't a slight to my parents - it was a plus to my side. She just loves being with me since I've been able to play with her more. I am truly blessed to have these two weeks with her...knowing that in 11 weeks or less she will be forced to share her time with me.

Of course, life with a toddler isn't always perfect. We've been working on two big issues at our house recently - potty training and bedtime. Potty training is going well. She has been dry for over a week with maybe 1 or 2 accidents total. Saturday and Monday we were away from the house for the entire day, and she was dry the entire time. We don't ask her, she just tells us. This morning she told me she needed to go to the potty, so we headed that way. She got side-tracked by the Santa advent we have and said she wanted candy. I told her she had to use the potty first...well she didn't want that. So I just went about making breakfast and told her that the advent wouldn't get opened until she used the potty. About a minute later she runs past me to the potty, got her pants down on her own, and used the potty all by herself! I had to help with the clean-up, but she did it all by herself! I was so happy for her. She most definitely isn't 100% trained...but we're a lot closer than we used to be!

As for bedtime...well...she used to be so good about bedtime. We'd put her in her room awake and she would fall asleep all on her own. Then it turned into something much different...and for the past 2 weeks it had been she falls asleep in our bed and at some point Carl would carry her to her room. The nursery was also a place for us to read together...but there's a lot that's going to be happening in the coming weeks that means none of that is good...and in reality, baby or no baby, Savannah needed to get back to her routine. I'm not sure how we got out of that good routine...I know some of it was Nana would watch her on Tuesday nights and stay in her room with her until she fell asleep...and then when we were traveling she'd be in the same room with us...and then she was afraid of the dark...and we'd be busy and out past bedtime...it just got out of hand. So I have taken this opportunity of vacation to work on that. Last night was the first night of enforcement. We had Nana give her a bath at 7:45 so that when we got back from Bible Study she'd be ready for bed. After Nana left, Carl and I read books in Savannah's room. At first she just refused for us to read to her in there...so she went out in the hall. Carl and I just kept reading to her toys and eventually she climbed up to read with us. Then after a brief cuddle we left the room...and so did Savannah. She would cry and tell us she didn't like her room...and she'd be back at our bedroom door...it took 6 trips back to her bed before we just closed our door and waited...she cried outside the door for about 5 minutes. Then it was quiet...so I took my shower. After I got out of the shower Carl said he still hadn't heard a peep from her. I expected to look in the hall and find her in the floor. But to my surprise, she had gone back to her own bed and fallen asleep. So by 9:30 I know she was asleep, but my guess is she was asleep around 9:00...which still is late for a two year old.

So tonight, Carl is out. I was dreading the bedtime battle alone...but I gave her a warning at 7:10 that we'd get a back in a few minutes. She just said okay. Then I gave her a 10 minute warning, and then a 5 minute, and then a two minute. When it was time to go upstairs at 7:45 she just told her toys night-night and got her lovey and headed for the steps. Once we were upstairs she said she was going to "feed" her stuffed Clifford while I got her bath ready...so I said okay and we each did our little jobs. When it was time for bath I cleaned up her tea party stuff, and she didn't fuss. She got into the bath, washed her face and her hair. When we put on PJs I told her that we needed to brush her teeth next (that's usually Carl's job at night). She said, "You are going to brush my teeth because my Daddy isn't here.". So she was fine with that and with brushing her hair. When it was time to read books she tried crying about not using her room again, and stood in the hall...but I just read to her toys. By the second book she was curious enough to come sit with me. So we read all her books and said our prayers. I asked if she wanted to cuddle, and she did. So we got all her toys cuddled in bed with her. I stayed next to her for about 2 minutes, and then told her it was time for me to go. I said my "I love yous" and "night night" and she said, "I love you too. Night night.". I was back to my bedroom by 8:22 and she never once got out of bed. No crying, no fighting, no trips back and forth.

So now it's up to us to keep this routine and make sure everyone is on the same page with it. Carl and I need to be better about not staying out with her past bedtime. I've also decided to stop attending Bible Study...not necessarily because I don't think Nana can handle it, but because it's getting hard to sit in a folding chair for an hour straight...and once the baby is here things are going to get all wacky...and Carl and I both don't want to leave Nana with Savannah and Luke/Ella...that would just be a lot for her. So Carl will continue on, but I will step out for a while.

I know bedtime isn't always going to go smoothly, but I am so, so happy that Savannah made it easy on me tonight. I am exhausted, and I had blood work drawn today (glucola test - the high number that would signal the 3 hour test is 134, I came in at 119), and I just wanted to be able to get it done without crying and pushing buttons. I'm one happy mama now that I have a sleeping toddler before 8:30pm again!!

Mixed Bag of Emotions

So I am officially entering the 3rd trimester. I saw a lot of old friends this weekend at Carl's company holiday party. It was so nice to see so many people who I care for - and they all had questions about Luke/Ella. I think I answered the "Girl or boy?" question about a million times. I also was asked about the due date, how was I handling the nursery if I don't know pink or blue, how does Savannah feel about it, and even more questions. I enjoyed all the curiosity and well wishes, but it also reminded me of the little time we have left to enjoy pregnancy...especially if this is my last. At times I enjoy the sensation of Luke/Ella moving around and kicking and generally letting me know that he/she wants some more space...but then there are times (like last night) when I feel so nauseous that the extra kicking and rolling doesn't help the ill feeling. I dread the recovery of it all...but I cannot wait for the baby...it is just still so surreal.

And I still keep being reminded, even if subtly, that I have lost two children since we were blessed with Savannah. At the party we saw several couples that now have two children, or will have two within weeks. We were the first of all of those couples to have a child...so since Savannah's birth they have gotten pregnant and delivered healthy children. I don't mind the timing, I am really happy about the way things are working out. God always knows best. I'm just sad about the two children I didn't meet.

I think the pain of losing two will be with me forever...I had hoped that being pregnant would help...and it has...but last night Carl and I started watching "One Born Every Minute" again...it really is such a truthful and touching show. I love it...even though I cry every time I watch it. Last night we caught up on the first two episodes of the new season...and there was one woman on there that had gone through two miscarriages and a still birth...and she was finally in there to deliver her baby at 36 weeks (which was another eek moment - that's only 8 weeks away for me!). When the baby was finally born she just cried and cried and it was just SO emotional...and I cried right along with her. I cannot imagine what she has been through...even with my own history I can't imagine it.

Our good friend Patrick was at the house, watching the show too (I think he just allows the pregnant one to control the remote out of sweetness.). He isn't a dad yet, and hasn't really been through the hospital routine of it all...which I think allowed Carl to feel kind of special because he could fill Patrick in on all the things that happen...the boring parts and the gross parts too. But I think Patrick was really watching me for signs of breakdown...I'm sure Carl was too, but he knows what to expect.

It also spurred a lot of conversation that I know I need to start thinking about, but I've avoided. Carl and I always marvel at how on the show, the dads are always bored out of their minds waiting for something to happen...hardly can sit still or sleep a lot or eat a lot...and we just laugh because by the time we got to the hospital, Carl barely had time to go to the car to get our bags and get the camera set up before it was time for him to help me push...like he barely had time to call the parents and let them know we were there. He just told them that if they wanted to see me before Savannah arrived, they'd better hurry up. He didn't eat a thing until after Savannah's birth because we got out of bed that morning and sped to the hospital and it all happened SO fast. And so natural. We never had doctors fretting over low heart beats, or less baby activity...it was just so amazingly smooth sailing. Never once was anyone ever panicked...it was just so perfect. I have thought about that day a lot. That was a true gift from God too. I was able to fully enjoy (and yes suffer) through the natural birth of Savannah. So many women want that, and don't get it. We truly did have an amazing birthing experience...so after watching these shows with Patrick, he of course asked all about how things went with Savannah...which of course led to the conversation of, "Do you think that will happen again this time?".

I'd like to say "Yes it will."...but I know every child and pregnancy and birth is unique. I may be one of those with a body built for having babies...but who knows. I do know that it's quite possible things will move faster this time. Which in itself is scary because Savannah was born 24 hours after the first inkling of "Is that what a contraction feels like?" But will it be as easy? Maybe, maybe not. This baby might be bigger than Savannah was(usually the second child is) which could make a natural childbirth a little bit more difficult. I could not go into labor on my own, I might need a c-section, my blood pressure might drop...there is just so much that can happen that we can't predict...and while I would like to think we have time to discuss our "plan" for everything...it really isn't that far away. I will be 28 weeks on Thursday...the baby (according to estimates) is already around 2 - 2.5 pounds and 15 inches...if I go into labor 9 weeks from now, they won't stop me. There's a lot to decide before then...a lot to discuss. A lot to fear, a lot to rejoice.

When we were watching the mother who had lost 3 children (all of that happened to her in 3 years too), Patrick said "How would you decide when to stop trying?"...and that is the name of the game at our house...which I told Pat. It becomes this weight that you try to balance...what if you are successful? What if you're not? What happens emotionally to the house that loses yet another child? It has been such a difficult path...and I certainly know we aren't the only people in the world with a path like this...or worse.

So emotionally I'm kind of a wreck. I'm excited, I'm fearful, I'm scared, I'm sad...12 more weeks...or less. The home stretch. At church yesterday, a tiny baby was baptized...he was just a few months old. Savannah was baptized when she was just over 2 months old. Carl and I have had plans, since before conception of Luke/Ella, to have him/her baptized the first Sunday we aren't in the hospital. I just think this baby is such a gift from God, we're going to immediately give him/her back to God. I know some people think we're crazy, taking a baby that is days old, to church, in the middle of winter...but it is something we feel strongly about. I eagerly await that Sunday where we can announce the birth of our child and dedicate him/her to God...it will be a glorious day for sure.

Every day I am reminded of how many others are worse off than I am...and because of that I keep going, not allowing myself to wallow in pity...but it is hard some days...but I am blessed. For that, I am thankful.

End of 2011...

Today is the last school day of the Fall 2011 semester! Do I feel like running mad up and down the halls yelling, "School's Out!"...well yes, I kind of do. It isn't that I don't like my job, I love it. I love teaching, I love the atmosphere, I love the outreach work. I'm excited because that means in 13 weeks or less, I will be a mom of two! This is just one milestone on the timeline to mommy-hood!

Next week is my last week in the office until January. As I pointed out to Carl, when I return to work I'll be 30.5 weeks pregnant...and will have a hospital bag packed in the car for the "just in case". It is really starting to sink in...we are really having a baby! I enter the 3rd trimester this week - now that is hard to believe! When I started thinking about how long I've already been pregnant (I was pregnant way back when I hosted a baby shower for my good friend in August!)...it is amazing to think that we are finally getting down to the last weeks.

I guess I'm both excited and sad and relieved at the same time about the last 13 (or less) weeks of pregnancy. I'm excited to meet Luke/Ella and find out just if it is Luke or Ella. I'm excited to see Savannah and her sibling. I'm relieved that the worry of miscarriage will be behind me. I'm sad that I may not have another pregnancy (we'll leave that final decision for a few years down the road...). And while I won't complain about being pregnant, I am beginning to feel the restrictions on movement, sitting positions, amount of time I can be active, and just last night I started thinking about THE recovery...the absolute worst part of pregnancy. It is physically just about the worst 5-6 weeks I ever experienced...but at least I will have a baby to hold through it all. I'm a mixed bag of emotions right now...I am so grateful for what I have, and I enjoy it all so much...but I still don't know what I will think about future pregnancies...for now I'm just going to enjoy the anticipation of a new life arriving.

So not only are Carl and I starting to feel the last few weeks weighing on us...so is Savannah. I'd like to think she's just happy as can be about a sibling...but I've started to see little signs that jealousy may rear it's head once Luke/Ella is home. Most specifically, we have had some major bedtime battles recently. She hasn't wanted to go to bed on her own for the past two weeks...she wants rocked to sleep. In the nursery. So Carl and I have started putting her in bed awake, and walking away. When she returns to our room, we just get up and put her back...last night it took 6 trips back to her bed before she stopped coming into our room. After she'd been quiet a while I had Carl check to make sure she was indeed, in bed. Turns out she'd fallen asleep in the nursery, in the rocker.

I have told her that I made her room special for her, and that it's her big girl room. (And remember, she's been out of the nursery since September 2010.) She then told me that she doesn't like her room. I said, "Well can the baby have it?" and she promptly replied "Yes!". And now with her falling asleep in the nursery...I think she is starting to feel some of the anticipation...and maybe isn't ready to give up her status. It's hard to see that, and to think that, but I have to just remind her how much we love her. We need to make sure she feels special and cherished as a big girl too...not just as our baby...it's hard...the transition is already starting to loom and I know we'll have some hiccups along the way...but God will get us through it all.

As a side note, my to-do list that is always so overwhelming is finally calming down...well sort of. My only goal for the next week is to get the last minute presents bought and wrapped. I have finished all of the blankets and the Christmas cards are almost done. I'm just waiting on photos to arrive in the mail (should be today) so I can finish the cards tonight and get them in the mail tomorrow morning. I did make a list for things that need to get done over my break from work...and I think I should be able to get most of it done in time. Savannah will be at preschool two mornings of my time off, so I should have some time to do things...right now I've been freaking out because I don't have a "Take Home from the Hospital" outfit...and since I won't know pink or blue it's hard to pick one. Carl said he could ask around to borrow something from someone at work for the blue and we could take something of Savannah's for the pink...but honestly, that outfit is supposed to be special - a keepsake. So it looks like I'm on the hunt for an adorable general neutral outfit...or really cheap and adorable outfits in pink AND blue...so I'll be ready. :0)

Overwhelmed.

December is two days away, did you know that? Yesterday morning on my drive to work (which really made me groan when I had to get back in the car after two days of driving home from Alabama) I realized that fact. December is beginning this week.

I immediately thought, "That is so exciting! If Luke/Ella is born in February...and it's December...that only leaves January before the month I meet my baby!!" But by the end of the day I just felt more overwhelmed than excited. I really had myself convinced that after our big trip to Alabama (my last hurrah as a pregnant lady - no more traveling!) I would be able to just relax and do a few little things to prepare for Luke/Ella's arrival and I'd be twiddling my thumbs the entire months of January and February waiting. I was so wrong. My list of things just gets longer and longer every day...I keep telling myself I don't need a list...but I bet by the end of the day today I'll have a list.

So first, there's the Christmas cards. All 63 of them. Handmade. With photos. And a little insert about Luke/Ella's impending arrival. And of course they need to be addressed, stamped, and mailed once I make them. But I have to order the photos to go on them before I can make them! I may recruit Carl to help with some of the details...he can put paper through the Sizzix, right? So those get top priority...I have to get started...the first step is to order the photos tonight. If nothing else, at least that will be ready. Then maybe tomorrow I can work on other parts of the cards.

Then there's the fleece. I bought fleece to make blankets for the house since it was on sale on Black Friday. I love making blankets - love it. I've made two of the four...and really each one only takes like an hour or so...and I really want to make the last two...but I'm not going to let myself until I've made progress with the Christmas cards.

I also have lots of wrapping to do...which I also love...but it's a little harder to reach things this year. I'm almost completely done shopping (which is great), but that has left a big pile of things to be wrapped in our basement closet. My plan is to work on that on Thursday...maybe, maybe if Savannah gets to bed on time I will be able to get all of the presents wrapped up.

So then, after Christmas cards are made, presents wrapped, and blankets made...December will be just for evenings of cookies and fun, visiting friends, and enjoying time with family...well...and making more cards!

In January, I have wonderful friends and family hosting a little baby "anticipation celebration" for Luke/Ella. I had planned to make the invitations (since I love card making)...but there are about 30 that need made...and I just have so much other stuff to do...and sitting at the table for hours is hard...so I don't know...I am sure they'd be beautiful if I made them by hand...so I don't know...I guess I will have to decide soon.

I also have maternity photos in January (which I can't wait for!!)...and there is the little issue of about 15 bins sitting in the middle of the nursery. Those house all of our Christmas decorations and go back in the attic...in January. Early January. Because I still need to vacuum the floors, wash all the baby clothes, paint the letters for Luke and Ella (so Carl can hang the appropriate one first thing we're home), and Carl needs to assemble the double stroller...which is buried behind all those bins! Did I also mention that Savannah and I still cuddle in there at night? And my guess is that once Luke/Ella arrives that won't work...so at some point we're going to have to find a new spot for our bedtime routine...ugh.

So I kind of knew all of that in my mind...all those little details that needed my attention...but I seemed to have forgotten that my due date is exactly one month before Savannah turns three...and that her invitations to her birthday party will need to go out mid-March...within a week of the due date...so that also means that those invites need to be ready before Valentine's Day...just in case. I refuse to drop the ball on Savannah's birthday, just because I'm having a baby. Each child deserves a special day, and I don't want her to look back and see that since she got a sibling, I didn't make a big deal of her turning three. Maybe I'm nuts...I don't know, but that's how I feel. SO...I have to do as much pre-party prep and planning before Valentine's Day. I am going to scale back a few things...more food brought in (like pizza and grandma and nana can bring things) and less homemade decorations. It will be at our house (of course, this year Savannah's birthday is the weekend of Easter so the church is booked solid!) which means I'll be cleaning with a one month old on my hip...but that's what grandma, nana, and Carl are for...I'll need help.

And did I mention, that at work my due date is the day before applications are due for the State Science Fair? The one I am Director of? The one that won't happen if I'm not there (seriously, I don't think it will happen if I'm not there...)? So I will be working via phone and email with people at FSU while on maternity leave to make sure things go right...and then I'll be at FSU on the 23/24 of March...with Carl and Luke/Ella. My mom will stay with Savannah for me...it's just nuts. All of it is nuts!

So I don't know what happened to me twiddling my thumbs...I'm overwhelmed...and I need help. Looks like it's time for Carl to shift gears from helping those outside our immediate family to helping one very pregnant momma get ready...OH...I just remembered...I also wanted to be prepared for the first month of our "family of four" status by having all disposable dishes and silverware...and to have my freezer full of frozen casseroles! So at some point I have to find time to make all of that too! And stock the freezer with frozen chicken and ground turkey...and make sure the pantry has stuff for macaroni and cheese, and chicken nuggets, and sloppy joes, and cereal for the days Savannah is forced to survive on cereal for dinner!

So overwhelmed.


**As a side note, Alabama was wonderful. Black Friday was a mad house event at Walmart down there...but I got what I wanted. Family was amazing. Loved seeing my grandparents. Savannah hugged both of them and sat with them (a first for her and did amazing things for my heart and theirs). There was a slight worry of severe weather at which point I was close to just crying until I had no tears left - really I just wanted a break from worry! Travel was tiring though - so ready to be a permanent Morgantown-er until after Luke/Ella arrives!**

I Love Being a Mama.

Yesterday was just one of those days that I'm reminded just how much I love being a mama. Savannah woke up early...probably before my alarm for work...but she didn't get out of bed until she heard the alarm. The instant that alarm went off though, I heard her little feet hit the ground as she jumped out of bed...and she clamored into our room in such a bubbly mood! She wanted up with us. Then she does this cute little thing (that she only does when she has rested really well the night before and she isn't in a grouchy morning mood) where she leans over onto me and puts her cheek to mine (while I'm still half asleep on the pillow) and says "Good Morning Mama!". She then will attempt to pull my head into her lap and she just gives me hugs and kisses...it is just so incredibly sweet. I love those mornings - but they do make going to work so difficult!

Despite all the IKEA drama of Sunday, Savannah was not deterred from her potty training. She was dry all day yesterday and did well telling us when she had to go...I don't know if we even ask her about it anymore...I think she just tells us. So that of course made me a happy mama.

When I got home, I was craving peanut butter cookies...so I promised Savannah we'd make cookies after dinner. During dinner she kind of pushed food around, but didn't eat a lot. So as I finished up and said I was going to start cookies, she burst into tears thinking she wouldn't get to make them with me...what kind of mom can turn that down...genuine tears?! I immediately picked her up and calmed her down...and we put the Kitchenaid on the island counter, and I sat her down beside it. Each time I added an ingredient, I'd tell her to keep her hands back and I'd turn it on low to mix it in. She loved dumping each item into the bowl and counting with me. It was so delightful to stand in my kitchen, with my daughter, baking cookies. I really, truly hope that is a tradition that never dies.

Carl got home from work just as we were counting out the number of scoops of flour to add in. He was watching us, which made Savannah really excited to show what a big girl she is. So once we'd added the flour, she instantly reached up to turn the mixer on (for the first time ever). Well...the knob that determines the speed of the mixer needs a certain amount of pressure to switch levels...it isn't an easy "push"...so she pushed a little, and when she got no response she pushed hard...before I could get my hand to the knob to help her...and remember we'd just added all that flour...well...then "poof!" my kitchen was a cloud of flour. It was all over the counter, the cookbook, the mixer, my belly, Savannah's pants, my arms...everywhere. I think it scared Savannah a little since it surprised her...but Carl and I just laughed and he ran to get the camera. It was such a fun memory...of course now that we've done this once it won't be funny if it happens repeatedly...but no harm, no foul for the first time! I will treasure that evening for a long time.



At bath time Savannah was decidedly not taking a bath...she was in tears over the idea...she was overtired. I'm amazed that recently I have been able to present her with two options (one of which being the thing she doesn't want to do and the other being a worse choice - such as bed instead of bath) and she ends up calming down and picking the first thing I wanted her to do. She decided a bath wasn't so bad when compared to bedtime...and she splashed and enjoyed her bath as usual...and then got out of her bath all bubbly and happy. Bedtime is so special to me...she gets dressed into warm PJs, brushes her teeth with Dad, and then cuddles with me while we read books together. After books, we pray together. I wish I could pray with the same ability she does...I will say "Thank you for Jesus, Thank you for Mommy & Daddy, etc/" and she pipes in with things like "Thank you for my trains. Thank you for my Lovey. Thank you for my book." She is learning true gratitude for all things, not just ones I remember.

Our cuddle time really is such a special time...I think we've done bedtime together since she was tiny. Carl and I had always planned to switch off nights so that we each would be able to experience it, but Savannah has just preferred me at that time of day...it's our mom and me time...it's quiet and we can snuggle in all cozy...before I got pregnant I used to tell Carl we should work on getting her into a bedtime routine with him, so if I needed to do something with a future baby, I could. But now, I really think I will keep our bedtime routine just as it is...I will do my best to have a content baby to leave with Carl while Savannah and I get our special time together...I just don't want to lose our bond...and as the baby grows up a little, maybe Savannah will be okay with Luke/Ella reading stories and praying with us too.

Another reason I love being a mama? I will get to watch Savannah love a sibling. When we decorated for Christmas, I asked her what it meant...thinking she'd say Santa is coming, or she gets presents, or something a typical two year old says...but no. She said, "Christmas means Baby Luke/Baby Ella is coming!" and began dancing and jumping up and down...I keep telling her that she has to wait until after Christmas for the baby to come...so seeing the decorations must signal to her that it will be soon...I was so happy to see her so excited about a baby coming. We've all kind of wondered how she'll react to the baby actually being here...like she seems to think the baby will remain in my belly forever...like she doesn't grasp that Luke/Ella will come out at some point...so we've been trying to tell her about that. Well, I got home yesterday and she said to me, "Mama, Baby Luke/Baby Ella is going to come out and I'm going to hold it!" and she made her arms in a little cradle and rocked them back and forth...it was darling!

Really, we've been prepping her for the big day's events...knowing it will be a big change. She knows that when we go to the hospital to get Baby Luke/Baby Ella that she will go to Grandma's for a while...and then when the baby is here, Carl gets to hold the baby, then he will go and get Savannah (and NOT reveal gender to anyone), and bring just Savannah back to see us. I'll get to cuddle my sweet Savannah up in my lap and she will be the second person (other than doctors/nurses) to hold her baby brother or sister. We've told her this, and she knows the order. She told Carl that he was going to hold Luke/Ella and then it was her turn....and THEN everyone else can come meet the new little one...but only after we've gotten to enjoy our family of four first - without intrusion! I just want Savannah to feel so included in it all...and I want to share those very special moments with my family before everyone else crowds in. Of course, I know that's all in a perfect world scenario...and things may not go as smoothly as they did when Savannah was born...but I still really want Savannah to be one of the first people to hold her sibling...she's going to have to give up a lot to gain a sibling...so she deserves a special place of honor. :0)

Potty Training!

Savannah is most definitely, officially, a full grown "big girl" now. On Friday, November 4th, Savannah announced that she wanted to wear her big girl panties. (We've tried potty training twice in the past, with no success. I think it was more my laziness and unwillingness to stick with it.) So my mom obliged and it was quite the messy Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. But by Wednesday, November 9th she was doing so well. During that day, she'd only had two accidents...with both being near misses. On Carl's birthday, Savannah had her very first full day dry. She was dry all day Thursday, Friday, and Saturday...and that even includes the overnights! She was also telling us when she had to go, not just us asking her every hour.

On Friday night, I started to think about our travel coming up...and how Savannah had been going well, but refusing the "big potty" at stores. I brainstormed some ideas to ease her into using the big potty, but hadn't told her anything. (I was thinking about some big reward, like 6 jelly beans or something.) We were downtown, awaiting the Veteran's Day Parade, and we had stopped in at Subway for dinner. About half way through dinner, Savannah said she had to go...so I asked if she wanted to use the big potty...and she said yes...so off we went. Carl couldn't believe it when we came back to the table and she'd gone. She really sat on the big potty (I hold her under her arms so she doesn't feel like she'll fall in - plus she doesn't touch anything with her hands that way.) and used it. I was so amazed and surprised!

So all weekend we had success...with everything potty training related. She was doing so well...until we went to IKEA. That store is honestly a nightmare for a mother with a potty-training toddler...especially a pregnant mommy. So we got there, and after the 90 minute car ride, I was desperate for a bathroom (even though I had gone right before we walked out the door). So Savannah and I headed in immediately, she tried to use the potty, but no luck. So we walked through the store...for a long time. Carl had gotten a fountain drink - which Savannah of course drank a lot of too - and at the worst possible time (when we're in the kid section and she sees all the toys) she says she has to use the potty. Well - that store is a maze...it's awful! So after a few wrong turns, she tells me she wants to go play with the trains and not potty. I was going to force her to go with me to the potty, but she was tired, hungry, and cranky...and honestly, so was I. And we were lost. In a store with a million other people. So instead of fighting her (YOU trying carrying an angry toddler through a crowded store, with a pregnant belly) I told her okay, we'd go back. Well, not 5 minutes later she told us her pull-up was wet. Of course, it was.

So this time, I made Carl trek back through the store with me to find the bathroom. We told his mom to continue on without us (she was the inspiration for this trip - she wanted to look at beds and tables for her new apartment - I will get to that later). When I finally got her to the bathroom...I of course had to take her shoes and pants off...so we went into a handicapped stall. So I had to squat down so she could use my shoulder as a balance point. She had to take her shoes off and stand in a dirty bathroom in her sock feet (I hated this, but it was better than have her sit on the floor and touch it with her hands!). Then I got her pants off...then the pull-up thank goodness had easy open sides so I could rip it off...but then I had to have her step into her new pull-up...and then back into her pants...and then getting shoes on a toddler is a lot more difficult than getting them off...so I did all of this while squatting. And remember what I said about my belly, it's right where I bend?! Well, this had to be one of the most difficult positions to work in. So I finally get her all changed...and we get back to where we were in the store...but by now we've been there 2 hours...walking...and I'm tired, hungry, and cranky...just like Savannah. So we hurry through the last part...alas my favorite part of the store too - I was bummed I missed it with Carl, but he was with his mother.

So near the end I mentioned something about being tired...and Savannah was definitely showing the signs of a cranky toddler. And someone had the gall to tell me I needed better shoes!! I decided at that point that Savannah and I would go refill our drink and just sit on the couches just past the checkout lanes.

SO - on the trip home of course Savannah had another accident with her pull-up...but she was exhausted and had drank who knows how much at the store...so I know it was just a bad day and a difficult situation, but I still feel bad. I think she'll be fine, and today she'll get back into the swing of things...but I hate that she got so off track....but potty training isn't perfection right away...some kids take months. I'm just fortunate she's taken a week!

SO - the whole going to IKEA thing. On Saturday, Carl and I sent Savannah to spend the day with my parents so that we could get all our Christmas decorations up. Well, the original plan had been to do the inside stuff on Saturday and the outside stuff on Sunday. That way we could split up the work and it would be a little easier on us, and we could do both, together. Well, I guess Carl felt that his mother really needed us to take her to IKEA. And that it had to be on Sunday. So we started the inside decorations as planned on Saturday morning...and I was in the attic handing down all the bins of stuff...about all 20 of them! Then we start on the tree, but he starts saying things about getting the outside stuff done that day too...that his mom really needed to go to IKEA. I countered with the whole thing that I had planned this weekend and if IKEA didn't happen, it just didn't happen. Well, of course he tells me I just don't want to do things with his mom...long story short...I end up in tears, decorating the inside of the house, alone....for the first time in our married life. He ends up outside decorating. I woke up yesterday extremely tired and sore, with headache too. I overdid it on Saturday...I did a lot of standing up, sitting down, reaching high, climbing low, crawling in the attic, etc....but it had to be done, and if I didn't do it, obviously it wasn't going to get done...since we had to go to IKEA and all.

So our house is decorated...the bins are back where they belong...and we went to IKEA. So as anyone can see, the trip to IKEA didn't start out the best...and then the whole potty training thing...and me starting out tired and overworked as a 23 week pregnant lady...and telling me to get better shoes...well...needless to say, I was so happy to come home last night and go to bed!

I do realize I'm being a really complain-y pregnant lady today...and I will say Carl woke up with Savannah on Sunday morning and they went to Starbucks before I got up and brought back a Peppermint Mocha. But it still was a rough weekend - emotionally and physically. I'm happy Savannah is well on her way to being potty training...and a big girl.

Emotional Me

I know...two blogs, hours apart. It's an emotional day for me I suppose! So as I said earlier...I'm not feeling entirely 100%...not sure if it's just that I need to slow down, if it's all in my head, or if there really is some kind of issue. There isn't really anything wrong, at least not enough to cause a doctor's visit. I feel "off"...but nothing extreme.

Carl called to check in on me, after I'd sent him a quick text to tell him I was so annoyed...about just anything and everything. I don't know...since yesterday morning I have wondered if it's smart to travel to Alabama for Thanksgiving. In the car this morning, on my drive into work, where I actually have the peace and quiet to actually think, I wondered why I was nervous about traveling to see family when it didn't phase me at all to travel pregnant all the way to Seattle back in September. Then it hit me. In September, if I'd have any kind of complication or issue with the pregnancy, there was nothing that could be done. Doctors cannot stop an impending miscarriage. So what did it matter where I was?

This time is different. I will be 24 weeks when we leave for Alabama...if a baby is born at 24 weeks, there's a 39% survival rate...with a state-of-the-art hospital...which I'd like to think WVU's Children's Hospital is pretty state-of-the-art. So now, after fighting for so long to get a baby...here I am, at a point that if I did go into labor, or was forced to have a c-section, or whatever the case...I'll be leaving the comfort of the good doctors in town...for a small town in Alabama...where the serious help we might need would be at least an hour away...by the time we return, viability is 50%...and when I make it to December 15th, viability is between 80-90%.

I know I just need to trust God and not worry...but it is so hard for me...especially me...to not worry. I know if I don't go to Alabama I will regret it...my grandparents will more than likely never have another chance to see me pregnant...and I will hate that fact. I just wish it were easier to rationalize my worries...

Baby, Baby, Baby

In the past week I have gone crazy nesting...I've organized two closets, cleaned three bathrooms from ceiling to floor (including scrubbing the baseboards), cleaned out the clutter from the master bedroom, dusted two levels of the house, done copious loads of laundry, scrubbed my kitchen cabinets, cleaned all the appliances in the kitchen, and I plan to clean the windows, vacuum, and mop the main floor tonight. I was tired of the mess...although some would say it wasn't terrible...but in my eyes, it was.

The nursery is pretty well organized, but I don't expect that to last past the weekend. We'll be decorating the house (inside and out) for Christmas. And the Christmas decorations are in the attic. And the entrance to the attic is in the nursery. So the house is clean for now...until Saturday...but if I have my way - which I better! - the house will be back in order before Monday morning. I know it's early to decorate, but we're leaving town...so if we don't do it now we won't have time until December 3rd...and Savannah loves the decorations in the store...and this is her last Christmas as an only child...and the outside stuff will be so much easier to put up when the weather is 62 and dry, instead of 30 or 40 degrees and snowy.

So with all of this work (and more to come this weekend) I have been feeling the toll of it all. My back aches, I'm not comfortable at all...and just in general it hurts when I move too fast now. It worries me a little, since I never had that issue with Savannah...but I have to remind myself that I'm older now and I have a toddler to keep up with. I plan to take it easy over Thanksgiving...once that week gets here. We're traveling to Alabama for an extended week with family...I'm not looking forward to the drive...the last car trip we took of 5 hours left me in a really bad mood and uncomfortable by the time we arrived...and I was only 15 weeks pregnant...this time I'll be 24 weeks pregnant and traveling two days back to back...6 hours each. But the reward of seeing family will be worth it...and I know my Granny will encourage me to sleep and rest once I'm there. I'll let Carl do all the chasing of a toddler. :0)

So aside from just the typical feelings of mommy-to-be...this Sunday was a really rough morning for me. It was all Saints Day at church...remembering those we've lost. Of course when the Pastor read names (with a handbell to toll the loss after each name) I began to think of those we had lost in our life...my co-workers husband...Carl's uncle (he passed away a year ago tomorrow)...I began to tear up...but then when I thought of one more loss I practically began to openly sob in church. Carl and I have also lost a child in the past year...I truly thought I was done with the grieving part of it all...that I had that scar from my past, but that it had healed some...and this current baby was helping to push me away from grief...but thinking about the loss in that setting, where I'm so open to God and my emotions...it was too much. I just cried...and cried...and barely was able to get it together for the drive home. I told Carl that I'd been upset about the losses, and he thought of the other two, but when he asked what had been so upsetting I couldn't even say...I just said it was someone we'd never met...and then he knew. I don't think the miscarriages affected him less, just not to the core like it did me...I have shouldered a lot of guilt and hurt feelings...and really, I thought I had moved past the grief...but I was reminded that no matter what happens, we will always have the two in heaven that I've never met...and I will encounter moments that cause me instant grief. It's hard...really hard some days.

I still feel the guilt too...even though I'm happily pregnant too. I just felt like I'd lost my chance at more children once I had both miscarriages and it wasn't as easy to get pregnant. It is one of the strongest feelings I've ever felt...and sorrow. It made me feel like I'd let Carl down (although he always said he was never mad, upset, and blaming me for anything)...but he'd done his part, and twice I'd lost our gift...and then when it didn't happen right away...I truly thought I'd failed. It was almost too much to bear, to think you'd let down the one person you love the most.

So here I am...23 weeks pregnant (on Thursday)...and still grieving for children I haven't met. I am incredibly grateful for what I have been blessed with...Savannah and Luke/Ella...but I still miss the two we didn't meet.

Another Year Older...

It's official. I'm old. I told Savannah that and her response, in dead pan seriousness, was "That's true.".

I've been really kind of weepy about growing older over the past few days. I finally scrapbooked pages for Savannah's 2nd birthday on Saturday morning. When I put those new pages into her scrapbook, I automatically looked through the pages from her first birthday. Carl and I looked like teenagers then, compared to now. The past 18 months have really aged us. We've been through a lot, as well as a busy toddler to chase!

I also have visited with good friends who have younger kiddos. Both are around 12 months old...but I still can't believe the differences in a one year old and a two and half year old. Seeing both little ones makes me extremely happy, but it also has given me a lot of things to reflect on.

When I was pregnant with Savannah, I enjoyed every single second of it. I almost didn't want it to be over when she was born. I loved it! I loved the attention, the belly, the excitement...I loved it all. This time around I do love being pregnant - and I still am going to have the belly, the attention, and the excitement (what is more exciting than finding out boy or girl on the actual birth day?!)...but I am not going to miss it at all. I am so looking forward to the end prize that the pregnancy has just become the way to get to that end goal.

I told Carl (again, teary eyed) that I am so looking forward to celebrating and documenting all of the firsts of a second child...the first smile, first food, first laugh, first steps, all of it. I cannot wait for those moments. And on top of that, I can't wait to see Savannah enjoy all of it with us! She will be there for all of Luke/Ella's big events...I am just so incredibly excited to see my children grow together and love each other and support each other. I know there will be days that they have a completely different lifestyle in mind...but I know there will be moments in their sibling history that will make me one proud mama.

So all of those moments are what all of this waiting is for. I know I have to wait until February/March...I want a healthy baby after all...but I also will be so excited for this pregnancy to be over...not because I don't enjoy it, because I sincerely do love every second...but because of what the end of pregnancy will mean...the beginning of a whole new life...one that I am blessed to watch and culture and enjoy...it is just such a special, special feeling to be a mama.

Again, I still say no #3 in our house...pregnancy hasn't been kind to me over the last 18 months...but maybe when Luke/Ella is 2 1/2 and I'm missing all of those little firsts again...maybe I will change my mind...but for now, we are thrilled and blessed with Savannah, and SO excited to open our arms to Luke/Ella this winter!

Baby on the Mind

It's official...I'm 20 weeks pregnant! A year ago I was wondering when Carl and I would start trying again, not knowing that our second attempt at a second child would fail again. Now I am halfway to meeting my little Luke or Ella!

We had an ultrasound on Wednesday, and much to the display of several friends and family, Carl and I looked away (even though I said I didn't think I would be able to look away) when the tech measured the lower spine and legs. Now we won't know until late February or early March...unless there is a need for an ultrasound later on. I'm going to be so incredibly ready to meet this little one...we've had 4 ultrasounds in the first 20 weeks...and now I have to wait until he/she arrives before I get to see him/her again! I am comforted by the baby kicks though...I know that I'm growing a little soccer star, one way or another!

Since the beginning of this pregnancy I have said that I think we're going to welcome a son...and then I dreamed of a boy last week...and after the ultrasound I just feel so much more connected to this child...I just feel it in my gut that we're going to have a boy. (I did not see the gender, I just have this intense feeling!) As I drove to work after the ultrasound, it really hit me. I might really be having a boy! I don't know what to do with a boy! I don't know how to raise a boy! So many thoughts flooded my mind...would Savannah play well with a brother? Will I know how to care for a boy? Will I connect as easily to a boy (as I have with Savannah)? Will I force hugs and kisses on a boy that doesn't want them? The whole freaking-out-about-having-a-boy thing makes me think even more that I really am having a boy. Although Carl will say he would like a boy...and while I used to say it'd be nice to have a boy and a girl...now I'm kind of thinking, I know what to do with girls..I'd rather a girl! Then I feel guilty about "wanting" either...I'm just praying for a baby that's healthy!

Last night I went through and packed up Savannah's little sentimental things that were still in the nursery closet...her little Christening cap, her baby books, the photo frame that people signed at the baby shower for her...I packed it all in a tub and labeled it...and moved it to a shelf in our bedroom. I had to make space for the next round of sentimental items. I cleaned up the nursery...made it usable. The bumpers are off the crib (they had been there for decoration) and I took the mobile off the crib...which caused an immense amount of confusion on Carl's part! I think I had him put the mobile on the crib about a month ago, so when I insisted it come off the crib now he was confused. Then I didn't want it just off, but given away or thrown away...and he kept repeating that I just had him put it there a few weeks ago...but I explained that I had been reading my blog from when Savannah was tiny...and I had commented about how much I hated the mobile because it always woke her up (a detail I must have forgotten until I read the blog!). So that is why it had to go...plus I'd been looking at it for a month and it just didn't look right...I don't know...call it crazy pregnancy hormones! So now the double stroller needs to be put together and gotten out of the nursery (it's been there in "storage" for probably almost a year). Clothes need washed...meals need prepared and frozen...diapers need bought...but other than that we are ready (well, at least in the sense of a room being ready...)

Not only have I been more emotional during this pregnancy (there are days that I must look like I've been crying the entire day!) but I have noticed so many differences in the pregnancy itself. I am carrying completely different. I always used to think my belly looked like a basketball when I was pregnant with Savannah...but now I see that I was defintely more of a "watermelon" type belly with Savannah. I totally have a basketball belly now. It's most apparent when I lay on my back...it looks like I just set a ball right on top of my stomach.

While that's cute - it's become more uncomfortable than before. Doctors always tell pregnant women not to sleep on their backs as the uterus grows heavier because it can pinch nerves, etc...well, I still could easily sleep on my back with Savannah...it never woke me up or bothered me. Long gone are those days! I can't even lay on the couch or in bed on my back just to read a book for very long! I get this pain in my back that is only relieved when I turn over...so some of my favorite evening activities (facebooking and reading) are now limited to being able to sit comfortably in a chair. At my ultrasound I was laying on my back for 20-30 minutes while all of Luke/Ella's little parts were measured...and I hurt then! I also have a lot of the round ligament pain. If I get up too fast, or roll over in bed, or just move unexpectedly I have a sharp pain for a second or two...all due to the weight of this baby and how he or she is sitting.

And yet another difference: the belly size. I think the size difference is really more noticeable because I'm carrying differently...not only do I have a little basketball, but this baby is much lower. Savannah used to be all up in my ribs and lungs...I always felt so out of breath! This baby...nope...he/she wants me to breathe, but also wants to make sure I take several trips to the bathroom! Everything is so much lower...I feel most of the movement at my belly button or lower...it is just crazy how different it is! I measure my belly once a week for the pregnancy scrapbook (just as I did with Savannah) and at 24 weeks with Savannah I was close to 40 inches....well, I'm 20 weeks and already at 40 inches!

So this whole carrying differently thing is interesting to say the least...for the most part I was able to paint my toes up until the very end of pregnancy with Savannah...but again, she was higher up and more stretched across my belly...well, I'm already having trouble shaving in the shower, and really, there's no way my toes are getting painted by me anymore. Which is a total bummer! For an idea of how hard those simple things have become, just get a basketball, sit on the floor, place the ball right against your stomach when you bend at the hips...and then try reaching your toes in any kind of elegant fashion! Again, it's not that my belly is giant...just..cumbersome.

So not only is sleep becoming more difficult (I don't ever remember it this tiring when I was pregnant with Savannah!) due to the lack of sleep on my back...but that means I have to turn over often. Now picture this...you are sleeping on your left side, and want to turn over to sleep on your right side...the easiest way to turn over is with your belly down (or at least that is how I have turned over for all of my life!). Well, now picture laying on your left with a basketball against your stomach again...and try to turn over with that basketball staying right against your stomach...you have turn over with your belly up, or you have to sit up, clear your stomach of the bed, and lay down again. The whole turning the other direction wakes me up because it isn't natural...and the whole sitting up to turn over wakes me up too...and then I have to pee because this baby sits so low!

Didn't I just say, "I'm already 20 weeks, I'm halfway there!"...at midnight when I can't sleep I'm saying, "I'm only 20 weeks, I'm only halfway there?"...

Don't get me wrong...I love this. I love each and every moment of it. I love the kicks to my hand, the little baby squirming that starts the instant I drink hot cocoa (a new craving), I love the pregnancy, and I love the fact that I will be a mom times two soon...but that still doesn't mean it's glamorous. I'm not complaining...I'm just sharing each and every little moment...because this could be the last time I'm pregnant...and I don't want these details to fade away (like the hatred of the mobile did).

Baby Dreams

So I have dreamed about Baby Poland twice in the past week. Monday night I dreamed of a naked baby, chubby and adorable - like a cherub. There were sparkling eyes and chubby cheeks...I remember trying to figure out if it was Luke or Ella...but I woke up without knowing. It was just a short dream, maybe 2 minutes. I could just see Baby Poland sitting there, smiling, in this glowing light. That is all I remember.

Last night I had a much more vivid, although strange, dream. Carl and I were traveling to Iran (I know - completely strange!) and I was VERY pregnant, due any day. When we got there I just fell into bed asleep. The next thing I remember is Carl waking me up and saying, "Michelle, you delivered the baby in your sleep! You didn't wake up at all!" I was confused and couldn't believe it, but there he was, holding our baby. He'd called for a nurse, who came to see if I was okay, and she determined I needed to go to the hospital, and I remember at that point that it was painful. Then my grandfather from Ohio and my coworker who recently lost her husband came in. They were so excited to hear that our baby was born. It is then that I learned the gender...Carl told my grandfather that it was Luke and my grandfather raised him up to hold him. He had a ton of hair! Then I woke up.

So strange...so very, very strange. I'm not sure where all those details emerged from...I know I told Carl before bed that I'd taken 3 quizzes yesterday on the baby's gender (the silly ones online) and all three said boy. And around midnight I woke up and Carl was still up watching TV...and my mouth was so dry because I'd been sleeping with my mouth open because I have a cold and can't breathe through my nose...and I told him I was thirsty...so he went and got me a can of Cherry Coke...which I drank in 5 minutes...and then I told him I was still thirsty...so he went and got me a can of Sierra Mist...which I then drank again in 5 minutes...then I went right back to sleep...and didn't wake up until my alarm went off...so after drinking all that fluid, I didn't even wake up for 6 hours to go to the bathroom...which is also really strange for a pregnant lady! It was during those 6 hours that I dreamed of Baby Poland.

Anyway...now Carl really is convinced it's a boy. We shall see in February/March! :0)

Growth and Change

I think I'd like to believe that the miscarriage pain and change and hurt is gone...but I don't think it is. I think parts of that year of horror will stay with me for the rest of my life. I also think it has changed me, in many ways.

I appreciate this pregnancy much, much more than I ever appreciated the pregnancy with Savannah. I don't love this child any more or less than Savannah, but I have been reminding myself daily to enjoy the little moments of it all.

I also think I will be one of the "nervous first-time mom" types with this second child. We were so relaxed with Savannah because we were so confident that things always work out...well now we know that things don't always go the way you want or plan...so I have a feeling we will be more cautious and nervous the second time around...I will fret over the little things that I just brushed off with Savannah.

Not only has my parenting style been changed...but I think my priorities in life in general have changed immensely. I hate to say that my experiences have changed me a lot...but it has shaped my ideas about a lot of things - like Hope. Making the decision to find her a new home was a difficult one...one that included many, many tears...and there still are tears...but I know I did the best for my family, for Hope, and for everyone involved. It was tough to do, letting go of something you love...but I had to really look at the dynamics of our household...and think about what they would be like this spring, with a second child involved. I think that is when the decision became final for me...I value my children so VERY much...more than anything in this world...and to think about a house of arguing parents (Carl crated Hope more than I'd like, which always ended in a squabble between the two of us.) with two small children broke my heart...I have worked SO VERY HARD to get to this point...to have two children...I don't want to miss a moment with either child or to have a house of unhappiness...and so, unfortunately that meant a new home for Hope. I realize that Carl and I will still disagree on things...but that was just one of many factors...I guess I've become jaded about things...I don't know...I appreciate the lives God granted us much more than ever before.

While pets are family, they still aren't my children...so I had to make a decision for our household...and when the decision was made, I made a responsible choice in a new home for Hope...which I'd like to add sounds like much more fun and love for Hope than our house ever did!

I know that everyone doesn't agree with me...and that's okay. I just hope others can see our reasons and know we made the best choice for our own household and for Hope.

So Tired.

I am exhausted this morning...emotionally drained. I fell asleep somewhere around 10:30pm and woke up around 3:30am when Savannah cried for me...and then I woke up every hour until 6:45 with a toddler poking me in the ribs. Even with all the space issues in bed (and it's only going to get worse as I begin to take more space), I love having her next to me.

I'm emotionally drained because Carl and I fought before bedtime...about a lot of pent up things that have been bothering us both. It started when we were on our way home last night from grocery shopping. His mom needed help moving and cleaning...and our lawn has needed mowed for weeks...and every time it doesn't rain we're busy...so last night it didn't rain and he wanted to help his mother...so I told him we should get things done at our house and then he could go Thursday night to help her...and I thought that was the plan. Then at 8:25 when it's time to get Savannah into bed, Carl says "I think it's best that I go help my mom tonight."...at 8:30pm! Which would leave me, yet again, to put Savannah to bed alone. While I know it isn't a lot of work, and really I don't mind it, it bothers me because Savannah realizes it. She asks where he is...she knows he's not there with her...and I'm left to explain it. Of course, I try to explain it in a positive light, when I'm fuming inside.

So in the end he didn't go last night, but I was still upset. I was upset because Savannah and I didn't see Carl pretty much the entire weekend. He worked late Friday night, leaving Savannah and I stuck at my parents without a car so my mom had to take us home after 9:00pm...then Saturday he volunteered for the church from 3:00pm until 1:00am...and then Sunday he was gone 7:30am until 7:45pm helping his mother move...leaving me to put Savannah in bed 3 times, alone. He was around on Monday to help with bedtime, and of course Tuesday was Bible Study so Grandma had bedtime duty...so when he wanted to miss yet another bedtime, I had just had it.

He took my anger as being an "unsupportive wife"...he was incredibly busy with work, his mom was up against a deadline, and I wasn't being helpful. So from his side, I understand...work is demanding, but it pays our bills. I get it. I just wish I had some advance notice of him working until 9:00pm so I'd know not to go to my parents without a car. He said he didn't know he'd be late...so all I have to say to that is, that I obviously didn't either, so he can't be annoyed with me being annoyed...neither one of us knew it was going to happen!

I fully support him volunteering with the church. I just asked him to move my vacuum between floors of the house before he left. (I usually have one for every floor...but unfortunately for me, his mom has one of mine right now...) So I mopped and cleaned and Savannah and I made an apple pie and I didn't complain. It was a fun evening for Savannah and I.

Sunday is where my annoyance grew. He was gone all day...and I realize his mother is moving...and I'm supportive of that...but I practically had to drag him away from her moving day in order to attend a viewing for my dear friend's husband. Then, I had to attend and manage the church fellowship meal which we always do together, but I was alone. He complained when I insisted he come home to help with Savannah's bedtime...but by that time I was exhausted. Savannah's behavior shows negative sides when he is gone so much...and she has this habit of using me as a jungle gym. I usually can handle it, but now that my belly is growing, it actually hurts when she climbs all over me...and she doesn't understand why I won't let her...which just adds to the grouchy-ness. When no one else is home to be a jungle gym for her, it becomes really, really tiring.

So again, he thought I was unsupportive of him helping his mom move...and while I fully understand that she has a deadline and has to be out of the house...I also disagree with some things. We asked when we returned from Seattle (two weeks ago) about helping on the weekend of the 17th/18th...but she said she had plans...so because she put things off, we're the ones putting our plans aside to help her. Carl just says "well the past is the past, and she has a deadline now"...but there is always a deadline for something! I don't know...I guess I just commit to the school of thought that when you are asking someone for their help, you take it when they offer it...not when it's convenient for you. He said I could have been supportive on the day of the move and done something. I again reminded him that I can't lift things - I am pregnant! So he said I could have brought pizza over...well, I was free at 10am, but pizza places aren't open then! At lunch time I was rushing from church to pick him up so we could attend a viewing in Fairmont...and at dinner time I was busy running the fellowship dinner! So I don't know what planet he was living on, but that wasn't really a realistic expectation at all!

So pretty much an all out shouting war erupted at 9:45 last night...I was upset, hurt, felt like the bottom of the priority list...and Carl was telling me I'm unsupportive and I always have to be right. I know that I like to be right, but I also know that if I don't fight for time with him, Savannah and I will be home alone a lot.

He was asking me to be on his "team" and we're a "team", but his definition of "team" is to support him in what stresses and ails him. So while I'm supposed to be supportive of him during stressful times at work and through this move, he is allowed to just ignore some major things going on in my life. Friday was one of the absolute most stressful days at work for me...so when I was annoyed about him working late, I had already had a pretty stressful and tiring day. I also am growing a person here! It isn't like that doesn't take any energy! I maintained the house, kept everyone fed, paid our bills and everything all week while I was stressed to the max at work (some days I didn't even have time for breakfast or lunch!).

Really, after some minutes of arguing I burst into sobs...and my underlying emotions came through. Not only was I incredibly busy last week, but my good friend at work had to face the death of her husband. Death has always been touchy for me...but after losing two children it's been even harder on me. So while being busy kind of kept my fears and worries at bay, this week has been much slower, and everything has bubbled up to the surface. I'm off Celexa now...I took my last dose last night...so in the midst of losing a friend and being stressed to the max, I also was weaning off the one thing that kept me going emotionally.

So on Sunday when I had to attend a viewing for a friend's husband, and face the reality of death and loss...I had to do so with Carl absent...sure he was at the viewing, but those emotions don't just exist at the viewing...it was a hard day for me to face...and my support of Celexa was almost out of my system, I am already emotional because I'm pregnant...and the one thing I had as support before Celexa wasn't there. During the ordeal with the second miscarriage, being with Carl and him holding me was the only thing to keep me from panicking...he was my rock...and so when I'm faced with a really tough situation, without my Celexa...my other rock is missing, and had been for two days prior due to other commitments. So of course I was angry and disappointed that when I needed him most, when I was facing the death of someone's husband, I was alone without mine...who is my rock.

And where was he? With his mother. I realize this isn't her fault, that she has to move this week and she closes on her house tomorrow...but I also think that if Carl is going to ask me to be supportive and on his "team" and understand she needs him...he also needs to ask the same of her. I hate to be the one to come between him and his mom, and that's not what I'm trying to do...I just wish he would realize that while I look fine on the outside, my emotions are wrecking havoc inside...and I need him too. I hate to feel like he is being stretched in a million different ways...and that is something he is going to have to manage. I wish I could just not care if he was helping a million other people instead of me...but I am his wife after all...I'd like to feel like I come first at some point...and Savannah...she notices it all. It was a perfect storm of work stress, family stress, and emotional stress all rolled into one weekend.

So last night I sobbed...and sobbed...and at one point Carl thought he was going to have to put me in the car and take me to the hospital. I was so upset that my breathing was labored and he kept telling me to breathe deep for the baby...I eventually did calm down...but it is sad that it took that much for him to realize I'm not perfect and strong and able to just keeping on going without him.

(Baby is fine - kicking up a storm this morning.)

100! Already?!...And Gender Issues

As I began writing this post I noticed in the sidebar that this is my 100th post...don't I get some sort of big party or news story? I know all kinds of TV shows certainly celebrate making 100 episodes!

Anywho...this week has truly been a gift from God when it comes to Baby #2. I have been delighted to feel so many kicks and rolls from this little one. Carl was even able to feel quite a few last night as we were watching our favorite shows on Tivo. I'm excited for a time to come up that the baby is really active and Savannah is around. I can't wait to see her reaction to my belly kicking her!

I was reminded this morning of just how truly blessed I am. A good friend of mine is also pregnant, and she sent me a message about a scare at an appointment. She is 12 weeks...took her first son with her to the appointment...but then the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. All turned out fine, an ultrasound revealed a perfectly healthy baby...just being stubborn and laying in a difficult position to hear a heartbeat with a Doppler. Her story reminded me of a time when I was 11 weeks pregnant...Savannah was with us as the doctor's office...and they couldn't find a heartbeat...it was the start of a truly very difficult 6 weeks - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am so very blessed to be feeling this little baby moving inside me, and to be 17 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I am almost half way there...it is such a completely amazing feeling.

I know that I will love this child just as much as I love Savannah...no more, no less. But I also think that I appreciate this pregnancy much more than I did when I was pregnant with Savannah. I have felt the loss of two pregnancies and know that each child is a true gift. I'm not guaranteed healthy children - no one is. I'm not promised to have life work out according to my plan. I also have been thinking that this may be my last pregnancy...I adore children...but pregnancy and the ups and downs of it all are hard to stay strong through. If I hadn't experienced so much trouble in the past, it might be easy for me to be eager for a third child...but for now, this could be my last pregnancy. And knowing that has really made me love every second of it. I take pride in my belly (and wish it would grow bigger soon!), I am thrilled to pieces about all the kicks and jabs, I will welcome the pounds when they start to add on...and I will most definitely show off a pregnant belly in a bikini at a pool! I haven't (and won't) complain about the liters of blood it seems like I "donate" every time I visit the doctor's office. I will drink the glucose test orange "syrup" with pride...I love this feeling, but know it could be the last time...it is truly an experience that I wish every woman could have. I think after the miscarriages I kept thinking I wanted to experience pregnancy one more time...that I wasn't done enjoying the giver of life...and it pained me to think of the women unable to bear children...it is such an amazing gift...and I kind of feel sorry for men (almost!).

As the pregnancy begins to lengthen, I have been asked about when we will find out the gender...I think in the past three days I've been asked about 10 times! The plan is to not find out...we technically could on October 19th...but I've always wanted a surprise baby. There are of course benefits to knowing...like Savannah would stop telling me I'm having Luke AND Ella...and we could buy boy clothes if need be...and I could make sure the nursery was in the right color scheme...and the baby anticipation celebration could be themed with colors too...but really, does any of that matter? Not to us! A word of caution though...we do not plan to find out (I have said this a million times too!), BUT, I also will not look away from an ultrasound. I have been fighting so hard over the last 2 years to successfully carry a child...and there is nothing that will stop me from watching every second of an ultrasound. Especially since this very well may be the last time we get to see Baby #2 until he/she is born. I will have my eyes glued to the little miracle growing inside...and if this baby wants to declare, "I'm Luke" or "I'm Ella"...well then so be it. If that does happen, Carl and I may still keep the secret from everyone else...who knows. All I know is that we don't intend to go into the ultrasound looking for the answer of gender...we just go looking for a healthy baby...if we find out, well then Luke or Ella and God want us to know.

So...check back 3 weeks from today to see what happened...either way, you can be sure that as long as I hear a heartbeat and see a growing baby, I'll be thrilled!!!

Shame on Me!

I know...it's been almost 3 weeks since I wrote last! Settle in for the long haul - a lot has happened!

Seattle Trip -

Carl and I spent 5 days in Seattle September 10-15...I missed Savannah so, so much. I was there for work part of the time, and I learned a lot. The trip was definitely eye-opening when it comes to a project that will soon be on my plate. Carl and I also enjoyed some sight-seeing prior to the weekdays of work. It was nice to explore a new city together, sleep-in, and eat amazing food while it's still hot! We took advantage of the time away - knowing it may very well be the last trip alone for quite a while. I thought I might be a nervous wreck flying so far, especially considering my anxiety in the past...but I did really well.

Crazyness at Work -

Upon returning from Seattle, I knew I would have 7 days to finish all preparations for the College of Science and Technology's largest recruiting event of the year. This has become my "baby" so to speak...I organized/advertise/plan/run...really any action adjective you can use here...it's mine. I do everything to make sure it happens, and then the day of the Challenge I ensure everything runs smoothly while the faculty engage students in hands-on activities. In years past we have welcomed around 100 students to campus...on Monday (9/19) I learned we would have 340 students instead of the 100...and the event was Friday (9/23)...so needless to say, I was a hectic mess all week last week. It was just insane planning for all of those kids to come to campus...but in the end the day went smoothly (well, as smooth as it can with 340 high school kids involved!)...and we are now planning for an even larger group next year. This truly was one of the largest events and planning successes I have had...great day to love my job! Now I'm slowing down a bit...but there's always something going on for me to participate in or plan...which is good.

A New Home for Hope -

This is one part of our life that saddens me a bit. We are actively searching for a new home for Hope. I do love her, but I feel guilty that she is crated often, or alone often...and I know it will only get worse when the baby comes. It just isn't fair to her...and in reality it isn't fair to us. We often are cleaning up things she's chewed (because she is crated so much she chews everything when she's out) and dealing with the negative side of having a dog...and we never see the positive. The cats never have adjusted to her...constant hissing and cat yells and barking...and Hope often finds the dining room table as her personal step stool...and the amount of cleaning seems to have tripled for me...it has just become too much for us all. We are sad that it didn't work out...especially after all the things we have done to try to make it work...but a dog just doesn't fit with us. When we got her, we really didn't know if we'd ever have a baby...so we thought we'd have the time to really love and train her...and I love dogs...I really truly do...but she has become so much work and I know it will only get worse...and it just isn't fair to anyone. So...one of Carl's coworkers is a nice, single lady, who has a farm, and another dog, and is looking for a black lab puppy...she actually asked Carl about Hope months ago...and so tonight Hope is going to meet her...and if they seem to like each other, Hope may have a home...that will be much, much more fair to her...and she'll be happy. It is really hard for me to let her go, and to admit that it's my fault we're in this situation. But I was emotional...and didn't know the future...and didn't anticipate the amount of friction she would cause between Carl and I...or the way the cats would hate her...or the way Savannah would run from her...she just doesn't fit...and I hate to be one of those people that gets rid of a pet...because pets are family...but I had to make a decision that would be the best for everyone. If Carl's coworker doesn't like Hope, then we will keep her until we find her a good fit...she won't go anywhere that won't love her.

Baby Update! -

So now that all the other randomness of September is out of the way...baby update! I am now almost 17 weeks...I can't believe that! God has really blessed me with this second child, and so far everything has been fine. I have another appointment in 9 days, just a check up, but I'm looking forward to hearing that heart beat again! The "revealing" ultrasound is scheduled for the 19th of October...but we are still planning on waiting for a surprise baby...we just have to hope that the ultrasound isn't too revealing! For the past 2 or 3 weeks I've been telling family that every so often I feel the baby move...just the little flutters...which is about 2-3 weeks earlier than I felt them with Savannah...some people didn't believe me...but I was sure of the feeling. Well, yesterday was a wonderful day for me. I had an hour of some pretty obvious baby movements...and I really think it won't be long before Carl and Savannah can share in the fun and feel them too! Today the little one has been pretty active too...I often feel the rolls and kicks...it is so amazingly delightful to feel! It also is such a great way to keep my mind at ease that he or she is still growing and developing.

It has also become a constant reminder that even if I'd like to believe I still have time...I really don't have all the time in the world to get the nursery back into baby-shape! We've been so busy with work (Carl with a major project too) and Carl's mom moving that the nursery has kind of been put off for another day...but in all reality, 20 more weeks and if I go into labor they won't stop me...that isn't that long! I'm almost to the halfway point! I need to get clothes washed/refolded/put in the drawer...paint the name letters and have them ready to hang up (I'm making a Luke and an Ella...so that way the name can go up before we even get home)...open the double stroller and have Carl build it...pack all the little things from the nursery closet that are sentimental things of Savannah's....and just generally get all the things out of the nursery that don't belong there...I'm hoping that sometime in October we will have an evening or two to work on all that...we may just have to schedule it in!

As for me...I'm feeling great. Physically I'm not as tired as I used to be...and I'm eating again. I still haven't lost or gained any weight...but I'm sure that won't last long...I know the pounds are going to start adding on soon! I also am weaning off my Celexa. Last week I was taking half a dose...and now I only take one half dose tonight, one half dose on Wednesday, and then I'm done - completely off! While it is a medicine that "could" be taken during pregnancy...there is no proof that it is or isn't safe...and there have been rare ties to issues when women take it during the second half of pregnancy...so I say, if I don't need it then I'm not taking it. My doctor fully supports the decision...and so we decided to try it. So far I haven't noticed one bit of difference, so hopefully I'm off it for good! If I need to go back on it (say panic attacks come back, etc.) and it stresses me to the point it isn't safe for the baby...then I will revisit the decision...but I honestly feel just as normal as when I was on it...so hopefully I'm back to being myself! It feels great to know I'm able to do it on my own...and make the best choices for my baby.

So that is the past 3 weeks in a nutshell...a lot of changing emotions and goings-on...but that seems to be the story of my life!!

Amazement

In the past two weeks I really have been amazed by many things...first and foremost, Savannah. She has now officially begun preschool. From what I'm told, she is really shy (no surprise there!) but she must be learning socially. She chattered the entire way home from class the first day, and that night she began praying at our meal...and we have the worst habit of not praying before meals. She prays before snack, so now she is teaching us to pray before we eat. She has just become a little sponge for all the little things she missed out on by staying home. She's singing songs, doing the hand motions, loves parachute time...she just is learning so fast!

The other night I was reading the book "What Was I Scared Of?" by Dr. Seuss (for just about the millionth time!) and she decided she wanted to read to me. So I handed her the book. She opens to the cover page, and says the title. I thought that was cute, and she went on. On each page she has pretty much memorized, word for word, the first line or two of the story...for the entire book! Even the nonsensical words that Dr. Seuss throws in there like "brickel bush" and "snides" she has down pat. I called for Carl then...and had her read to him. We were just so surprised that all this time she has taken in so much...so from now on we're going to read to her and point to the words...she is obviously learning the words, now to get her to learn to associate the letters with the words!

She also is learning the alphabet super fast...it seems like just the other day she could care less about letters...but now she is telling me what letter (and how many of that letter) she sees on a page. She also told me that a capital "M" is an upside down capital "W"...it just never ceases to amaze me how fast children (not just Savannah - but ALL kids) learn. I wish I was able to learn like that when I was in college!!

The other reason I have kind of been amazed at recently is the amount of attention people crave from facebook. I am the first to admit, I love facebook. I love reading posts, I love the games, I love the photos and videos. Most of my updates on facebook are Savannah related, usually a funny story or celebrating an accomplishment. I try to sensor myself though. I have discovered that not everyone is so willing to sensor. Some people share every last gory detail of illness (them or kids), there disdain for those who blog about "every second of their life", those who just post to complain...the list just goes on and on. Facebook is the perfect place for people to obsess about their own wants and needs...and a lot of people don't care who their words offend.

My biggest issue here is a status posted by an acquaintance shortly (within 20 minutes) after I posted my blog post (on facebook) about being pregnant. Her status, in short, said that people need to get over themselves and stop posting blogs and on facebook about every detail of their lives to the minute. I certainly can understand that her post wasn't necessarily directed towards me...but it did strike a cord. I had just posted (in a timeline, minute fashion) a blog post and linked it to facebook within 20 minutes of her status. It could be a coincidence...who knows. I did send her a private message that explained why I posted the details, as I so rarely post timelines, and that I think blogs are a great form of therapy. To which I was told that blogs often allow people to "wallow in self pity"...at this point I was pretty hurt. After suffering through two miscarriages in the past year, I really think I have done remarkably well...sure there are days I was depressed...but I certainly don't think I was using a blog for self pity. Her response after my explanation again was just denial that her status reflected anything about me, but in general, and I should "back off". In the end, I just let it be...maybe she was posting about someone else...but it still revealed how people act when it comes to facebook. There is no way she would have said anything like that to my face...but online...who cares who gets hurt?

So humans and their nature continue to amaze me...in all facets of life...I just hope I continue to remember who I am, what my morals are, and what I want to teach my children about interacting with others in the world we share.

TGIF!

It's Friday...thank goodness! This week has been a busy one, which I am grateful for. If it wasn't busy, I'd be counting the seconds tick by to my second trimester of pregnancy. (Which is only 6 days away now!)

On Tuesday, Carl and I took Savannah to her 1st preschool meeting. She seemed to do well. She didn't cry when we left with the other parents for our portion of the meeting, and was happy when we returned. The teacher said she'd play well alone, but when other kids came near she would back off and just watch them. I figured it might be like that...she is just as shy as I was! I'm sure that as the year goes by she will grow more comfortable around other children, and I am so excited to see her progress!

I think her teacher is perfect with the two year olds, which puts my mind at ease. She will have an art project every day, and sing songs, and have snack, and learn Bible stories...I just wish I could be there to watch her grow! Academically she'll learn numbers, colors, shapes, and name recognition...which is great...but she already counts objects to 15, knows every color (some in Spanish too), and knows her shapes...so that will be reinforced. She will learn her name though, which is perfect. More than anything though, she will learn social skills. She'll play with her friends, learn to take turns, walk in a line, pour water from a bottle to an open cup, drink with an open cup, and I'm hoping once she sees her friends using the potty (there are some potty trained, some not) she will eagerly want to use it too.

So on the Savannah side of life, it's wonderful. The other day Carl was holding Savannah as I was leaving and I leaned in to give her a kiss and I said "I love you Savannah." to which she replied, "I love you too guys!". She is just rotten and adorable.

Pregnancy wise I'm starting to be less tired...finally! I've survived the first week of classes at work without feeling like I need a nap every three hours...and I'm beginning to eat better. I am officially past the 12 week mark, which means the miscarriage chances drop dramatically. I'm beginning to be SO excited about it all. This Wednesday I will go in for another ultrasound, and Savannah will get to come with us for the first time. She will finally get to see baby "LukeElla" in my belly...I can't wait to see her reaction! I've been trying to remember how much detail a 13 week ultrasound will give us, and if I'm right...we should see some defined arms and legs....I wish Wednesday would get here quickly...although I know it will. This weekend is full of fun activities and travels, Monday is a normal day, and then Tuesday is Savannah's preschool day and then it's ultrasound day! I'm so glad it's finally Friday!!

When I begin to think about it, I really have made my children my life's focus. I suppose this is what I call "living the dream". I've always wanted to be a mom...and now I am. The past week has been busy, which is good for a lot of reasons (as mentioned above) but it is good in another reason too. August 20th was my due date for my last miscarriage. I thought about that a few weeks ago, but then it didn't even enter my mind again until yesterday. The focus on Savannah and Baby #2 has kept my mind from drifting to the rougher times of my life. I don't know if it is good or bad that I didn't think about it on the 20th. As Carl said this morning, we have 4 children, we just haven't met two of them yet. I always said I wanted 4 kids...and now I'm on my way to meeting my 4th. We never did name either of the children from the miscarriages...we didn't know boy or girl...but we've been talking about possibly naming them with names that could go either way. Carl said, half jokingly, "what happens when we get to heaven and meet them? We just say "hey baby"??" So mentally I feel confident and happy and blessed now...but still hate that I "forgot" or "pushed out" the thought of the second miscarriage's due date...I do appreciate all that God has given us...and I hope to always remember that.