Well, it's almost time to wish 2011 goodbye. I wish I could say I'm sad to see the year change...but I'm not. It has been a completely emotional journey this year. The emotional high of being pregnant, the low of miscarrying, the extra low of facing anxiety and depression, and then the highs again of birthdays and pregnancy.
Savannah has transformed from a toddler to more of a preschooler...she has opinions and attitudes and independence...she looks and acts so different from last year. She is almost potty trained (I so wish this wasn't a months long process with her - I half blame myself for the set backs though.) She counts, sings all kinds of songs...and even adds now! We are working on adding small numbers...I hold up fingers on each hand and she has learned how to add the fingers by counting them all as a set...it's just ridiculous what she knows. She recites the Lord's Prayer with me at night, as well as thanks God for all kinds of things I leave out ("Thank you for my fan, for mommy's glasses, for my doll,...")
Carl and I have survived (and at times thrived) a year of hardships...we are still in love, still love our family, and are excited for another year together. In February we will have been "together" for 10 years - now that is hard to believe! Carl had wanted to surprise me with a trip to New York City for Valentine's Day (the spot we started dating)...but I'll be 37 weeks pregnant - no way I'm leaving Morgantown!! Our 5th wedding anniversary is in June, but we won't be doing much. I know I won't want to leave Savannah and Luke/Ella that soon.
It's not to say that our family hasn't struggled some...outside of the whole miscarriage thing. We are busy as always, we argue over in-laws and silly things...and he has recently decided to take on another responsibility outside of the home. He's decided to join others in a group that has a lot of meetings...which is much to my dismay. He has "business" meetings twice a month in the evenings (honestly what kind of group needs to meet that often?!), in addition to meeting with one of the more senior members once a week for at least the next 6 weeks. This is all in addition to Bible Study (which I will be giving up - sitting in a hard chair for an hour has become too difficult) that means every other week he will be gone 3 nights in a row and then on off weeks he'll be gone 2 nights a week....AND he is still supposed to work as usual and he takes care of his mother's responsibilities as well...just where Savannah, myself, and Luke/Ella fit in I'm not sure. It's been a point of contention at our house for sure...it isn't so much that I hate it, I hate the time it takes from family...and the family is growing into a family of 4 soon. He just has terrible timing and doesn't want to hear anything I have to say about it.
The other day was a day that Savannah and I stayed home all day, and around 2:00 Carl called to tell me he was going to one of those meetings at 7:00...which was really irritating. If I had known he was going to be gone at night, Savannah and I would have gone out in the day, just to break up all the time spent together at home...so I wasn't happy about it. Then he worked until a little after 6:00...so I had basically 25 minutes alone that day...and he said he'd be back at 8:00, so if I wanted to wait to do bedtime so he could help (bath time is becoming really cumbersome...I honestly don't think I can lift her out of the tub anymore) I could wait...so I did. At 8:30 he wasn't home, so I called. He said he'd be home soon...Savannah eventually fell asleep on the couch waiting for her dad. I had to sit in the living room with her until he got home since I can't carry her up the stairs...that was around 10:15. All day Savannah asked for her dad, and then when she asked for him to play with her Little People with her I told her he had to leave again and she started to cry and told him she didn't want him to leave...and then when she was trying to stay awake for him she kept saying "I need my daddy"...it just makes it really hard to see and hear that and know that he is making that choice, to be gone. Then the days after he's been gone her behavior is worse...which is just lovely when I'm home with her all day and can't do things she wants me to (like carry her and crawl around and get up and down in the floor with her...). When he was getting ready to leave that night I started crying...it was just too much to handle emotionally. Savannah was upset, I definitely was tired and needed a break...and Carl was eager to leave. I just wish he could switch with me for one day and realize what it's like. Savannah saw me crying and came running over...and she seemed almost panicked, like she didn't know what to do since I was the one crying. She suddenly said, "Oh I know! I get my wee rabbit!" (Lovey), and she brought it to me and asked if I was better. I told her I was, but she got her stuffed dog too, just in case. I know we're raising a wonderfully caring little girl when she does stuff like that...but it is still so hard to not cry about the other things in life.
I don't know...I guess I'm jaded some. I've lost two children and know that I will never get to spend time with them...and then Carl makes choices to leave the house and the family he should want to be near. I understand that we can't be with our kids 24 hours a day, every day...we have to work to pay for our house and food...we also need breaks occasionally...and our kids need to do things without us sometimes so they can learn how to become responsible citizens of society...but night after night is ridiculous.
So what will come in the next 10 weeks? We'll be blessed with another child...but I also remember the first 10 months of Savannah's life were the hardest months of our marriage...and Carl wasn't taking care of his mother's responsibilities or joining some "elite only" group that requires insane amounts of time...so I foresee it to be worse. Hopefully I'm strong enough to survive, and he's smart enough to make better decisions.
Here's to hoping 2012 is full of joy, happiness, and love to everyone!
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