Baby, Baby, Baby

In the past week I have gone crazy nesting...I've organized two closets, cleaned three bathrooms from ceiling to floor (including scrubbing the baseboards), cleaned out the clutter from the master bedroom, dusted two levels of the house, done copious loads of laundry, scrubbed my kitchen cabinets, cleaned all the appliances in the kitchen, and I plan to clean the windows, vacuum, and mop the main floor tonight. I was tired of the mess...although some would say it wasn't terrible...but in my eyes, it was.

The nursery is pretty well organized, but I don't expect that to last past the weekend. We'll be decorating the house (inside and out) for Christmas. And the Christmas decorations are in the attic. And the entrance to the attic is in the nursery. So the house is clean for now...until Saturday...but if I have my way - which I better! - the house will be back in order before Monday morning. I know it's early to decorate, but we're leaving town...so if we don't do it now we won't have time until December 3rd...and Savannah loves the decorations in the store...and this is her last Christmas as an only child...and the outside stuff will be so much easier to put up when the weather is 62 and dry, instead of 30 or 40 degrees and snowy.

So with all of this work (and more to come this weekend) I have been feeling the toll of it all. My back aches, I'm not comfortable at all...and just in general it hurts when I move too fast now. It worries me a little, since I never had that issue with Savannah...but I have to remind myself that I'm older now and I have a toddler to keep up with. I plan to take it easy over Thanksgiving...once that week gets here. We're traveling to Alabama for an extended week with family...I'm not looking forward to the drive...the last car trip we took of 5 hours left me in a really bad mood and uncomfortable by the time we arrived...and I was only 15 weeks pregnant...this time I'll be 24 weeks pregnant and traveling two days back to back...6 hours each. But the reward of seeing family will be worth it...and I know my Granny will encourage me to sleep and rest once I'm there. I'll let Carl do all the chasing of a toddler. :0)

So aside from just the typical feelings of mommy-to-be...this Sunday was a really rough morning for me. It was all Saints Day at church...remembering those we've lost. Of course when the Pastor read names (with a handbell to toll the loss after each name) I began to think of those we had lost in our life...my co-workers husband...Carl's uncle (he passed away a year ago tomorrow)...I began to tear up...but then when I thought of one more loss I practically began to openly sob in church. Carl and I have also lost a child in the past year...I truly thought I was done with the grieving part of it all...that I had that scar from my past, but that it had healed some...and this current baby was helping to push me away from grief...but thinking about the loss in that setting, where I'm so open to God and my emotions...it was too much. I just cried...and cried...and barely was able to get it together for the drive home. I told Carl that I'd been upset about the losses, and he thought of the other two, but when he asked what had been so upsetting I couldn't even say...I just said it was someone we'd never met...and then he knew. I don't think the miscarriages affected him less, just not to the core like it did me...I have shouldered a lot of guilt and hurt feelings...and really, I thought I had moved past the grief...but I was reminded that no matter what happens, we will always have the two in heaven that I've never met...and I will encounter moments that cause me instant grief. It's hard...really hard some days.

I still feel the guilt too...even though I'm happily pregnant too. I just felt like I'd lost my chance at more children once I had both miscarriages and it wasn't as easy to get pregnant. It is one of the strongest feelings I've ever felt...and sorrow. It made me feel like I'd let Carl down (although he always said he was never mad, upset, and blaming me for anything)...but he'd done his part, and twice I'd lost our gift...and then when it didn't happen right away...I truly thought I'd failed. It was almost too much to bear, to think you'd let down the one person you love the most.

So here I am...23 weeks pregnant (on Thursday)...and still grieving for children I haven't met. I am incredibly grateful for what I have been blessed with...Savannah and Luke/Ella...but I still miss the two we didn't meet.