Over the past year I've really traveled through some serious downward and upward spirals. This Father's Day will be the one-year anniversary of when I told Carl for the first time that he'd be a dad again...it's almost been one year since the horrible chain of events began.
Recently I've been feeling more anxious than usual...I think it's just a combination of not becoming pregnant right away (saw the doctor yesterday, she said not to worry, it could take 6 months...for a normal, healthy person), and we've had three major expenses in the past week, and Savannah is growing up, and there's just so much on my mind. I attempted potty training on Tuesday...didn't go as I had planned. At first she peed her pants and didn't say anything. Then the second time she told me she had to pee, right when she peed in her pants. The third time she told me she had to potty, then wouldn't sit on it, stood next to it, and then peed her pants. She just refuses to sit on the potty...so for now we're back to diapers and we'll try next week. I know she understands the sensation since she told me...it's just getting her over the fear of sitting on the potty.
Although I am so tired of having pregnancy on the mind, I still desperately want another child. Everyone (including the doctor) keeps telling me to just relax and not think about it...but that is much easier said than done at this point!
I want another child to hold, love, watch grow, and watch Savannah grow with. My summer work schedule has really allowed for me to spend time with Savannah. We have almost become inseparable...literally and figuratively. The other day I was holding her...well, she was holding onto me. I was just standing there playing with her hair, but she was holding herself up with her legs around my waist and arms around my neck....we just spend a lot of time together and she asks for me to do a lot of things with her over Carl. I guess that's one silver lining to the whole miscarriage process...I have been able to really bond with Savannah as she's grown. I've been able to focus my full attention on her and enjoy all the funny things she says and all the special moments we have together. I know I'd still spend time with her if I had another child, but it would be fewer times and for less time than now. The bond I feel with Savannah right now is truly amazing...I hate bedtime just as much as she does...we've been so close recently that I'm often found in bed next to her napping or lounging...we just enjoy each other so much...I long for another relationship like that!
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