The past three days have been a whirlwind...some of which I don't remember all too well. There's a bit of history behind it all...Miscarriage #2 on 1/27, then by 2/4 everything seemed to be back to normal physically. Then on 2/14 (great timing huh?!) my body seemed to rebel and the spotting was back...continuously. On the 11th day of spotting (Thursday) I saw the doctor. I had an ultrasound done the day before and it was hard to tell what was causing all the trouble. She said it was very, very small...but since the medicine didn't seem to help before we should just schedule a D&C...and it was scheduled for the very next day (which was yesterday).
Carl and I did a lot of shopping on Thursday...I needed a mental distraction and I always wanted to feel like I had the house in order before leaving for surgery on Friday morning...I was scared too. The idea of leaving Savannah and heading to the hospital to be put to sleep and going through surgery...it was terrifying. I kept thinking, "What if something happens? Savannah needs a mom."
We were scheduled to arrive at 11:30am and then the procedure was supposed to be at 1:00pm. So we left Savannah at my mom's...leaving her was really hard. I left in an upbeat mood so she wouldn't be scared or worry, but I cried in the car...it was so very difficult.
Once we arrived I was relieved to find that my nurse was a friend from high school. She took such good care of me, and it was just so much more comforting to have a familiar face nearby at the times Carl wasn't allowed to be. My surgery ended up delayed by about 3 hours, so we spent quite a bit of time waiting...but it was nice to watch TV and just chat with Carl. Near the end of waiting I began to get really nervous...the waiting just allowed all the scary thoughts to loom. Finally when it was time to get moving I told the anesthetist that I was somewhat nervous, so he gave me a light anti-anxiety drug in my IV and I instantly felt much better. I think it must have made me a bit loopy, because I'm sure I gave Carl a kiss before being wheeled out to the OR, but I can't remember it at all. I remember being in my room and I remember being in the OR, but I don't remember the trip down the hall at all. Once in the OR I was talking with my nurse about bedding (the OR was cold and I was saying how I like a down comforter even in the summer) and then I must have just fallen into my sleep...that doctor was very good at what he does. I didn't fear it or fight it. I woke up just as we were getting ready to leave the OR and I didn't really feel any pain or loopy or anything. I remember hearing Carl's voice in the hallway as they wheeled me back to my room...and within 10-15 minutes I was totally with it again.
I think in the end Carl was more nervous than I was. He said he went to the gift shop to buy me a candy bar (I was starving...I hadn't eaten since 10p the night before - doctor's orders)...and then he just couldn't sit still so he stood outside the OR doors waiting for me...I'm glad he was there for me and I know it must have been a really long day for him as well.
So now it is finally all over. I was surprised by how much crying I did yesterday. It's been 4 weeks since the miscarriage, but it's like the stress and worry and physical ailments have really put a stress on my emotionally. I hadn't really faced the true end and hadn't really had the relief of closing those doors and moving on. I have had some small anxiety issues over the past week...and I truly think (in addition to my Type A personality) the miscarriage added to a lot of that. I was constantly worried about being broken or sick or seriously un-healthy...and the spotting didn't help one bit. It's like I was just waiting for it to all end. So now I'm still sad about things, but not overwhelming worried or constantly watching for a health issue. After all the bloodwork and testing I was put through this week, it all has pretty much shown that I'm healthy. All the levels are where they should be, my blood pressure is great, my blood oxygen level is normal, my glucose is normal....I am normal. I may never know why I've miscarried twice, or I might find out some more in the future, but for now I'm healthy and the door can finally be closed on this chapter.
While I was in surgery, the doctor that I saw when I was pregnant with Savannah happened to see Carl and asked why he was there (because of some kind of scheduling thing I was put with a different doctor throughout this miscarriage). So then when it was time to schedule my post-op appointment in two weeks I am back with my original doctor. I think that suits me well. She knows me and how I worry a lot...and I'll make sure to tell her about my anxiety and discuss things to start searching for answer wise. I hate the idea of taking medication, but there are some anti-anxiety meds out there that are safe for pregnant women....I hate that idea, but I also think all the worry can put a stress on my body. That stress can't be good for trying to get (and stay) pregnant. I hope to only take medicine for a small amount of time...and maybe I'll be off of it before I even get pregnant again...but mentally I have to face that I need a bit of help...just to get through the rough patch right now.
I am so grateful for all the love and support of all of my friends and family...Carl has been my rock. I am reminded daily of all the love that surrounds me, and I just know in my heart that I'm not done giving my love away either...there's still room in my heart for another child...somehow it will happen.
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