So this past Thursday was supposed to be a wonderful day for me. I had an appointment with my OBGYN. I was supposed to see the little beginnings of Baby #2. Instead, I heard those awful words. Again. "There's no heartbeat." (See my July 2010 Post.) By coincidence, the miscarriage began the day I was supposed to have my pregnancy confirmed. The ultrasound revealed that while I should have been 10 weeks, 5 days, the baby stopped developing at 8 weeks, 5 days. All of my fears were confirmed. Again.
It's been a very different process than the first time. Much more painful, emotionally and physically. Thursday night I was in horrible pain with cramps and lower back pain...I didn't get a wink of sleep. It almost seems as if I have cried less...I just think I never let myself truly believe I was pregnant. I wouldn't guess boy or girl...I didn't tell many people...I just didn't want to believe anything until I heard the heartbeat. It's kind of scary that Wednesday night into Thursday morning I had a dream (more like nightmare) that I woke up and was spotting...and that at the doctor's office they wouldn't let me hear the heartbeat. Then I did wake up on Thursday, and I was spotting. And at my appointment there was no heartbeat to hear. It is truly like my body knew all along.
I'm angry. I'm angry at my body for allowing me the hopes and then forcing them to come crashing down. I'm angry that God has put me through this AGAIN. I don't understand it...and I don't understand how things went wrong 2 weeks ago but my body just let me live a lie for those two weeks.
I'm hurt that Savannah would love a playmate and can't have one. I'm hurt to see all those happy pregnant women...I'm more hurt to see all those unhappy pregnant women. I'm hurt to see all the moms out there that consider their kids "inconveniences" instead of blessings.
It all just tests every ounce of faith. I am positive that we will either have more kids some day in the future, or we will have one very spoiled little girl. Either way I am still blessed, with a daughter, a loving and supportive husband, and tons of family and friends that constantly keep us in their prayers.
So on Monday I return to the doctor for a follow-up visit. I hope to get some answers and a plan of action. From the ultrasound the doctor did say my ovaries are "unremarkable" and after the first miscarriage my doctor said everything on the inside looked fine...so that is a positive thing. Another positive? Carl and I have no trouble getting pregnant. We got pregnant with Savannah the first month trying, I got pregnant with the first miscarriage the first month trying...and this time I got pregnant the first month we decided to "not prevent"...so we weren't even actively trying, just not preventing! So I have no trouble with that...my body loves to get pregnant...but then it sabotages my chances at happiness. Maybe it's a blood clotting issue, or maybe it's a hormone issue. (My progesterone on Thursday was 4.9, and I looked up that typically during the first trimester it is 9 - 47, so maybe that is it.) I will be proactive about my health and ask for tests to be run and hopefully a solution found. While I fully intend to try again, I just don't know if I can handle a third consecutive miscarriage....two within six months is hard enough...at some point the sadness has to end...life can't be this bleak forever.
First, let me say I'm so sorry. In the last two years, I've had three miscarriages (all very early). It doesn't get any easier to deal with, but the pain from the loss will lessen with time. The best thing for me was naming the baby to help me make it feel real. You've loved this baby from the first thought, so it is real. But I think it's so easy to feel alone in this. That was something I didn't fully grasp until it happened to me. It's hard to grieve for someone you've never looked at. But it was real, so allow yourself to be sad, mad (even at God... it's okay, he can handle it)... just take the time to allow yourself to feel.
ReplyDeleteIf you need to someone to talk to or cry with, get ahold of me. Praying for you.