Miscarriage.

Two weeks ago I wrote up a blog post that I had planned to publish in August. The post read as follows:

"In March, Carl and I decided that we were ready to start preparing for a second child. The basement was finally finished and paid for, the emergency fund was once again back to full status, and Savannah's Big Girl Room was well on its way to completion. Honestly, there was no reason to wait. Our family was under the impression that we would like to wait until after the Disney December 2010 trip (now rescheduled for October 2011, with a reunion of honeymoon friends!), so we could surprise them with the news (we hoped) before any suspicion would arise. So in April I had stopped taking birth control and started taking prenatal vitamins. I was hoping for a positive pregnancy test at the end of May, but was disappointed at the beginning of our Miami trip. (So it is also one extra reason that the trip wasn't quite as I'd hoped.)

So I began planning for June. I had my annual appointment with my doctor, and she echoed my excitement for another child. She said I was healthy and fully ready for another. I still consistently took my vitamins and I figured out the ovulation dates. I even read about the entire process of how long it actually takes to get pregnant, etc. (There is a wealth of knowledge out there - including things I probably don't really need to know!) June 7th was the date determined to be THE day. Then, on June 8th my mother-in-law was watching Savannah for a bit (my mom was out of town and I had to be at FSU for most of the day). On my drive home, around 2:30pm, I had the most incredible sensation. I got goosebumps all over my body. I couldn't decide what to make of it. I feared the worst and thought, "Is this my mom-brain telling me I need to get home right away? Is something wrong? Is someone hurt or injured or sick? Are my parents safe on their vacation?". I just knew something was up. By the end of the day, everyone was safe and happy. There had never been any cause for alarm. I told Carl about my crazy goosebumps that night...we didn't know what to think of it. I even mentioned the crazy feeling to a coworker (she was not in the loop of our pregnancy plans either). It was just so...amazing. About a week later I was starting to show a few signs of early pregnancy. I knew it. I knew then I was pregnant. I also had a sneaking suspicion that my goosebumps had been the moment Baby #2 was created. I knew how long conception could occur after ovulation, I'd read a lot about pregnancy! I just had that gut feeling, I knew I was pregnant.

The week between all those symptoms and pregnancy test time was agonizing. I didn't want to tell Carl the day I would be able to test because I wanted it to be a surprise. With Savannah we bought the test together, waited together, and rejoiced together. I wanted to surprise him with the news. So I couldn't share any of my thoughts or confirming feelings that I thought I was pregnant. I knew that the day I would miss Mother Nature would be on June 21st. Our 3rd wedding anniversary was on June 23rd, so my plan had been to wait until the morning of the 23rd, take the test, and (hopefully) tell Carl the good news over dinner. Well, the waiting was killing me. I had a test at home that said it would be 95% accurate on June 20th...which happened to be Father's Day. So then Saturday (the 19th) I decided to test on the morning of the 20th and make that a surprise Father's Day gift. Well, the night of the 19th it got really hot in the house, and around 4am Carl woke up and couldn't sleep. He ended up going to the basement to sleep since it is always cool down there. When he stirred it woke me up. I seriously had to pee. I laid in bed trying to ignore it. I didn't want to pee until later in the morning because you are generally supposed to take the pregnancy first thing in the morning to get the most concentrated hormone levels for the test. And I really didn't want to take a test at 4am! But, I couldn't sleep when I had to pee so bad....so I told myself I'd just take the test and when I got up later I could tell Carl. I took the test, waited 3 minutes, and to my delight I was pregnant! I had known a while I think, but it confirmed every feeling. So then I climbed back into bed and tried (and failed) to go back to sleep. I just couldn't wait. I got up, got the test off the vanity, and trekked down to the basement. I turned on the lights and woke Carl up. He asked what in the world I needed. I told him I couldn't wait a minute longer and showed him the test...he found out at 4:15am on Father's Day that he is going to be a father of two! After celebrating for a bit I decided I really should sleep at some point and went to bed...it took quite a while to calm down enough to sleep...but eventually I did.

Since Father's Day it has been our secret, one that we are thrilled to share now. Little Baby Poland #2 is scheduled to arrive on Monday, February 28th, 2011. (Everyone start praying for no snow now!) I am convinced I'm having a boy (have been for weeks) and if I am correct the plan is to name him Luke Asher. If by chance I'm wrong we will delightfully welcome another little girl into our family, and she will be named Ella Faith. We are praying for a healthy baby, boy or girl. We won't know until February 2011!"

Well, today I would have been 7 weeks pregnant. The last week really was my worst nightmare. Tuesday and Wednesday I noticed some light spotting, it got worse on Thursday and the doctor's office wanted me in on Friday morning. After spending about 2 hours at the doctor's office, my fears were confirmed. An ultrasound revealed that I was indeed between 6 and 7 weeks, there was a gestational sac, but there was no heartbeat. Hearing the words, "I don't see a heartbeat" from an ultrasound technician probably has to be one of the hardest things to hear. Carl had decided to work from home Thursday night, and then once we knew the horrible outcome of the doctor's appointment he remained home the entire day with me.

Friday I was pretty much a useless bump on a log. I did interact with Savannah as much as possible...I just couldn't bear missing another moment with her, but when she was napping or asleep I did nothing or cried a lot. Carl was so strong for me and so supportive. We decided to share the news with our friends and family too. Both mothers have been extremely supportive and our faith has really gotten us through the past few days. We don't know what caused the miscarriage, but the doctor assured me that it wasn't caused by anything I did, or didn't, do. For some reason this baby just wasn't meant to be. God is in control, and He knew it wasn't the right time, for whatever reason. When I was home in tears on Friday, Savannah just watched me with such a terribly scared face...so for the sake of her I have been strong and tried to limit my tears. I allowed myself to grieve and be useless all day on Friday, but on Saturday I woke up with a new resolve that the tears were to be shut off. It still hurt (and it still does now and there will be days I feel it more than others), but I do have a wonderfully amazing little girl who needs me. I don't want to miss out on anything in her life, and I can't enjoy her life of what is now when I am crying over what could have been.

Carl was amazingly supportive throughout the ordeal too. He insisted on driving me to the doctor's office, even though we live honestly not even a mile away. He did a lot of the work associated with caring for Savannah. When he saw my face after the results of the ultrasound he just let me sob into his shoulder. He hid a lot of his sadness to prevent increasing my sadness. He forced me to rest and encouraged me to enjoy some of the foods that are "off-limits" for pregnant women. In a time when some might find their marriage stretched beyond recognition, ours showed stronger than ever. He wouldn't let me think for a second that he was mad or that I should feel guilt. He and I both agreed that God had other plans right now. He was a pillar of strength. While we may have bickered about things in the past (I remember all those frustrating days when Savannah was small!), this has proven to be one of the greatest tests of our marriage (as it would be for any marriage), but we have survived and come out as a strong & loving team.

So plans have changed. It wasn't my idea to change them, but God is in control. Right now the doctor has recommended we wait until at least September to think about trying again, but I think we will wait longer. We have decided to press on with the Disney December 2010 trip. I can't wait to enjoy it all with my family. My parents will be going with us, so Carl and I will have a few times to enjoy Disney World all over again as a couple, plus we will get to see it through the eyes and delight of Savannah. I have such a wonderful trip to look forward to. I will be teaching at WVU and FSU this fall, and I would love to enjoy the rides at Disney, so I really do think we'll wait until 2011 to think about trying again. We had hoped to surprise everyone with the next pregnancy, but really that doesn't matter. It would be nice to surprise them, but when both moms found out about the miscarriage they both said, "I was suspicious you were pregnant!"....so there really is no surprising a mother.

Today I returned to work as normal, and now that I have some return appointments to handle with the doctor, I have spoken with a close friend and my boss about the issue. Both were very understanding and asked why I even came to work today. While I am still sad and hurt, I need routine. I really don't handle change well, and this weekend I faced all the change I could handle. For me keeping the schedule normal is helpful. I am blessed to have such supportive family, friends, and co-workers. God knew that Carl and I would work through this.

So at this point, many people would wonder why in the world I would even blog about such a sad topic. There are so many reasons I feel compelled to write. For one, I don't want to ignore the fact that I was pregnant, I was SO happy about it, and Carl and I were so excited. The post I wrote two weeks ago deserves to be seen. I also wanted to share the array of emotions I felt in the past few days. Instantly I felt sadness, guilt, denial, shock. While all of those feelings may be valid reactions, they weren't all spot on. There was no reason to feel guilt, I had done nothing wrong. I also thought that I could never be one of the 40% of women who have miscarriages. I just always thought I'd be one of the lucky 60%.

I also hate the idea that a miscarriage is something to hide or be ashamed of. When someone in your family dies, you put it in the newspaper, but when you have a miscarriage a lot of people try to avoid talking about it or telling anyone. A miscarriage is one of the worst things a mother can go through, but there should not be any shame or guilt associated with it. It is (unfortunately) more common than anyone would like to think...40% of women! I know of 8 people that have been through it...and those are just the ones who have told me in order to help me process my feelings now.

So this past week was most definitely not what I had hoped. My plans for the next 9 months have changed drastically in the last few days. But now I have other things to look forward to, and in a few months we might go back to thinking about another child. For now I have roller coasters, wine, brownie mix, cookie dough, sunny-side up eggs, deli meat, and caffeine to enjoy right along side all of Savannah's big girl milestones.