Once a Mom, Always A Mom

For the past 16 days Savannah has been with me for just about every hour she has been awake...and for a lot of sleep hours too. The week we spent in Miami she was with me 24 hours a day, sleeping in her crib next to the bed. I was even nervous about showering in the evenings after she'd gone to sleep so I pulled the crib to the bathroom door and showered so I could watch her. Last week she spent the week at work with me...my only hours away were a short 1 hour on Wednesday for me to visit the doctor for my annual exam. So when Carl said he was going to take Savannah with him to a co-workers "Cradle Celebration" (different culture - I'm not fully sure what it was) I jumped at the chance to spend a little bit of time alone. It was such an amazing feeling to get dressed without having to rush before dressing a baby...I was able to take my time and pick out clothes I liked and put make-up on the way I used to...It was so refreshing. I had two different VBS meetings to attend and I also finally had a chance to shop at Michael's without having to rush up and down the aisles with a bored toddler in tow. I don't think I realized how much Savannah had wiggled into my "Mom Space" until I was driving home from the craft store. I was sitting at a red-light, with the windows down. There was a light breeze and the tags on her carseat fluttered with the breeze. Upon hearing the sound in the backseat, I automatically began to say something to Savannah...then stopped short, reminding myself that she wasn't with me. Later at home I was cleaning the house and something I did made a lot of noise. I cringed thinking I'd wake her up from her nap - again having to remind myself that she was with Carl and I could make all the noise I wanted.

It dawned on me last night that in just 14 months I have changed into a different person than I used to be. I no longer worry about dusting every week, or about getting my outfit just right (although I do try to look presentable), and I'm not intensely worried about what's on television. I haven't seen a movie in theaters in over 18 months...I rarely eat dinner without having to feed a second mouth at the same time. While I think I knew in the back of my mind that this change had occurred, I really felt the change yesterday when I was able to step back into the old me for a short time. Do I miss the old, carefree me? To be completely honest, sometimes I do. I miss the spontaneity of it all, and I miss the freedom to do what I want. Would I like to get that freedom back? Sure - in 20 or so years. While I miss the old me, I would never trade all of these precious days with Savannah (and in the future, all of my children) for that freedom. I love being a mom, I just didn't realize how it had changed me. I think days like yesterday are a blessing for moms...just a short time to remember who is underneath the title of "Mom". I don't want to lose that fun-loving free spirit...and I do know that some of the free spirit can be present in the "Mom" form also...but it still isn't quite the same.

I think it's amazing how children change people...almost always for the better. So for now I had a glimpse at the old me, she is still safe and sound waiting for another little time window to enjoy. I had a break that really seemed to make me enjoy every second with Savannah just a little bit more. It was certainly what I needed before the start of another long week at work with a toddler!