Happy Birthday!!

I knew this day was coming...I've known for quite a while now. Today is the birth-day of my very best friend's second daughter. I am truly, truly happy for her and her husband. They are already wonderful parents to one little girl, and will continue to be wonderful parents to both Alana and her new sister.

In July, when I went through the miscarriage, I knew that I would probably have a hard time enjoying all the little moments of Ashley's pregnancy with her. I had so hoped to be going through it with her again, just as we did the first time around when she was pregnant with Alana, and I with Savannah. So when God's plan for me changed, I had to accept that Ashley was still pregnant and I wasn't. I don't remember feeling anger or jealousy over the issue - just sadness. As the months passed on I threw myself into helping with her baby shower and keeping up to date with every doctor's appointment visit. I am (and always have been) so happy for her. But, that happiness still doesn't fill in the hole I feel at times. Yesterday Ashley was told that her c-section would be scheduled for today. Of course, I was thrilled at the prospect of another little baby to be entering the world, but as is often the case I was reflecting on the news during my drive back home to Morgantown.

I began to think about all of it. Her second daughter would have (and now has) a birth date of October 28th. My second would have had a due date of February 28th. Savannah and Alana are 9 days apart. These two could have been 5 months apart...but it wasn't meant to be. I began thinking about how special it is to hold a newborn...especially when it is your own. I began to cry on my drive...something I completely didn't expect. I have often thought to myself that the miscarriage has finally been stored safely in my memory...but yesterday's drive has proven me wrong. It still hurts and it probably won't ever truly go away.

Today when Alan, Ashley's hubby and also Carl's best friend, sent me the message that Baby #2 had arrived I was filled with joy...and yet again tears. I don't know if they were tears of joy or tears of self-pity. While I'd like to think I can hold it together when we visit them tonight in Pittsburgh, I don't know if I will or not. I really hope I can, for their sake. I don't want to steal any bit of happiness of this day from them.

Back in July I remember thinking that I didn't know if I'd be ready to try again after we return from Disney in December...but as the days near (we leave in 44 days!) I have begun to really allow the thought to sink in. I want a second child so badly...even knowing about the sleep deprivation that will follow. I love the entire process of pregnancy...the glow I felt, the new baby smell...all of it I love. But I'm still hesitant. All of the doubt about my body's ability is starting to creep in. What if I can't get pregnant again? What if it takes months? What if I lose another one? My doctor has assured me that there wasn't anything wrong with my body last summer, things just didn't work out. She isn't concerned...but I'm a worrier.

I think the triggering thought for my tears yesterday had to do with the idea of being pregnant. Ashley has mentioned that she isn't sure if this will be her last or not...and then I began to think about if Carl and I would want 2 or 3 kids (I'm back and forth on the issue...some of my decision will probably be based on the gender of a second child should we be blessed with one.). Then I thought, "if I don't get pregnant again, I've already had my last pregnancy. I won't ever have that chance again."

Now on the top of the "Life Just Isn't Fair" list...

1) A woman not being able to get pregnant and enjoy their own newborn child.
2) Women who don't want to be pregnant, get pregnant.
3) Women who are pregnant, complaining pregnancy is an inconvenience.

In the end I think my tears have been more of fear and insecurity than anything else. I am so happy for a new life to be here. Ashley and Alan are as close to family to us as scientifically possible...we care for them just like we do our own family. Their children will also be special to us, and we will always look out for them as we intend to look out for Savannah and any future Polands. We are so very happy for them on their day of joy...and we cannot wait to make the trip to visit. My road isn't easy, but no one has an easy road. I have Savannah, and some women don't even have that...so while I'd love to throw myself a pity-party, it really isn't justified.