Is it 2013 yet?

I certainly think 2013 just has to be a better year than 2012. It all started out in January when I wrecked the car while sliding down the mountain hill in our neighborhood. The in February, Luke was breech. Then he flipped. Then he took forever to get here. Then he was facing the wrong way during delivery. Then in March and April, my grandmother in Ohio became deathly ill (to which I just recently learned the doctor then gave her 6 months to live). Then in April Carl's mother had a stroke. Then in May my Granny had a heart attack. Then, in August, Carl's dad died. (And now, just days after my father-in-law's funeral, another family member had a stroke and was taken off life support [Carl's mother's cousin's husband, whom I had met several times.].)

The death of my father-in-law has been tough in so many ways. He had Huntington's Disease and COPD (from working in the mines for so many years). We watched Carl's uncle decline over a three year time period, all due to Huntington's. It was hard. By the time his uncle passed away, he was eating through a feeding tube and couldn't talk to a level of understanding. Carl's dad wasn't nearly close to that stage yet. He was eating regular food, he spoke to us clearly. We were under the impression that while he was sick and in a nursing home, we had time to spend with him still, and our last goodbye wasn't going to be our last goodbye. So on the 24th, when the nursing home called and said that he wasn't doing the best, Carl drove over to see him. When he returned home, Carl said it seemed like he was just dehydrated. Carl's sister went to visit the next day. Not one of us was thinking this was the end. Then, at 5:00am on Wednesday morning, we got the phone call. He had died in his sleep.

In some ways it was a blessing that the COPD took him in his sleep. It was peaceful, he didn't struggle. We didn't all have to watch him decline and suffer. In many other ways, it made this a shock and very difficult to handle. We knew it would come eventually...but we thought we'd have time to say goodbye.

Carl is dealing with a lot of guilt. He wishes we'd taken our kids up more often. (It has been hard with Luke...his immune system is still so little and nursing homes have so many germs. Savannah was afraid of the whole situation.) He wishes he'd said a better goodbye.

Savannah is still attempting to process everything and I think she will have many random questions in the months to come. We told her that Pap Pap was in heaven with Alex (My parents beloved dog that passed away a year ago.) So when we were on our way to church the day after the funeral, Savannah asked if Alex would be at church. We reminded her that he was in heaven. She said, "With Pap Pap?" and we told her yes. She then said that she thinks Alex welcomed Pap Pap with a big kiss on the nose. Then at church, when a group played a song dedicated to our family in grief, I told Savannah they were playing the song for Pap Pap, she asked, "Where's Pap Pap?"....so I know it will be a while before she really understands. It is hard to teach a child about death when they are so little. It hurts your heart. It also hurts to think Luke won't remember at all.

In addition to guilt, Carl is also dealing with a lot of questions. Huntington's Disease is genetic. He has a long line of family members with the disease. He has a 50/50 chance of having it. He doesn't know. His sister was tested and it was found that she has a very mild case that shouldn't affect her until she is much older. Yesterday I was cleaning and Luke was crying (which has been amazingly difficult to deal with during this week) and all of the sudden I heard Carl yelling at Luke. He was angry at him for crying. I ran down the stairs and told him to cut it out and he needed to leave the house for a while. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, Luke was crying in his bouncer and Carl was on the computer, playing some game. So I told him he was a selfish overgrown child and he needed to leave for a while.

After the argument, I felt badly for yelling at him when I know he's had a rough week...but yelling at an infant is inexcusable. So when we discussed things, after we had both calmed down a bit, he kept saying, "I am going to a doctor, I have Huntington's." When I asked why he is so convinced of this he said it's because he has a fixation on games and he is late in the mornings to work...and that I didn't grow up living in his house with his dad and how he got when he was fixated on things....and while I'm not a doctor, I do know that people are late and addicted to games and not all of them have Huntington's. I also have doubts about his reasoning because he isn't "crazy" or "mean" to anyone besides me and the kids. Huntington's Disease doesn't decide who to yell at. So I think some of it is just our marriage...our difference of opinion...the stress of the week...the stress of the year.

I know his dad's death has stirred up emotions and worries. It has for me too. The "what if" is always in my mind...but we are just supposed to trust God. I used to not care one way or the other as to whether he had it or not, or if he was tested. But now, I don't know. Maybe he should get tested. If he doesn't have it, then he can quit making excuses and grow up a bit. Forget the computer and take life by the horns. If he does have it, then we can develop a plan and talk to the doctors. The unknown is beginning to get difficult for everyone.

One thing is for sure - we need more bright spots in our lives and much, much less dark ones.