On my way home yesterday that song "Billionaire" by Travie McCoy started to play on the radio. A little secret about me is that I sing in the car - a lot - it distracts me just enough (but not too much to cause any issues) to stay calm in heavy traffic. It seems that almost every time the lyrics said "I wanna be a billionaire" I would inadvertently sing "I wanna be a millionaire". I then started to really think why I do that every time. I guess it boils down to the fact that to me, being a millionaire would be amazing - let alone a billionaire. Then I started to think about what I would do with a million dollars. You would think I'd have all these crazy things I'd like to buy...but the first things to come to mind were to pay off the house and cars, then maybe buy a few things for my parents and grandparents, donate to a charity or our church...and that was it. I didn't think "Oh I'd love a boat" or "I could buy a really expensive car!"...I did eventually think that maybe I'd like to stop working so I could be home with my family more...which brought me to the conclusion that I'd be a boring millionaire. It also made me realize that for once I am practicing what I preach. The key to happiness (or at least a portion of it) is to love what you have, not want what you don't have. I love my family, I love my house, and I love my cars. Some may say that I must have pretty nice things then. While I do think what we have is nice, it certainly isn't out of the realm of possibilities for a lot of people to have. We're not millionaires, or even hundred-thousandaires (totally not a word). We are just happy and blessed with what we do have. I'd like to think that even if I had less I'd still be happy. Life just isn't about big houses or expensive cars. Life is meant for us to praise God for the opportunities presented to us, feel blessed for what He has provided, and do as much to help others as possible.
Aside from singing the lyrics wrong on my drive home, my life has been pretty straight forward and uneventful. We did enjoy an amazing trip to visit family last week. Surprisingly the "road trip" part of our vacation was one of the most entertaining. I typically hate road trips but this was the first road trip Carl, Savannah, and I have taken as a family of three, alone. We had a new GPS - we named her "Glinda Penelope Switzer" - to play with. Savannah had a DVD player to keep her entertained. I drove quite a bit, even through 8-lanes Nashville. It was just fun and relaxing. I was delighted to see Savannah with all four of her great-grandparents. We visited an historical staple in my hometown - Trowbridges. This place has the best hot dogs and ice cream that I have ever tasted. All of that good food combined with southern charm. It was just wonderful. It broke my heart when we had to leave both sets of grandparents. They just want to relish every moment with Savannah...I hated to go. I am amazingly blessed to have the four of them in my life - as well as in Savannah's life.
Savannah is also changing by the day. I swear each day it sounds like she has added to her vocabulary. Her words still aren't nearly clear enough for anyone other than family to understand her, but she certainly understands more words than I could imagine. She can pick out just about anything I ask her about in a picture book and she is fluent in body part identification. She has figured out how to open lever-handle style doors (which was really a lot of work for me at my grandparents in Ohio) and she knows how to get around the drawer locks in the kitchen. She copies everything I do. The other day I had to fuss at Junebug (the youngest kitty in our household) for trying to steal food off my plate. I said "June! No!" and clapped my hands at her. Then behind me I hear "Ah! Ah!" with the same inflection and all. I turn to see Savannah clapping. She's now become the chief police officer for our kitties. They aren't entirely thrilled. Savannah also follows two or three step directions really well. We can tell her to find something and put it somewhere else, etc. More and more often she points to her diaper for changes....it really will be time before we know it for her to be potty trained. We also have a goal of finishing her big girl room before Labor Day. She has been climbing things like crazy and I just worry about her falling out of her crib. Carl's mom said Carl was close to Savannah's current age when he figured it out. I also have been thinking that if she is going to be potty trained I need to be sure she can access the potty easily at night - so when we potty train she'll need to be a bed she can get out of. It is just amazing to me how grown up she is already.
For all that Savannah has grown, she still reminds me that she's my little doll baby that I brought home from the hospital. Recently she has really turned into a cuddle bug - which often makes me cry. I just love her so much and I just love that she cuddles - but it really reminds me of what I lost in July. It makes me sad to think that she isn't a big sister yet and won't be for a while now. She just has so much love to share and I can't give her a sibling to share with...at least not now. I also have been going to weekly appointments for blood work. My HCG level has to drop below 5, and until it does I have to give a tube of blood once a week. The week after the miscarriage it was 186, the next week it was 48, and this week it was 6. And so, since it was 6, I had to go AGAIN next week. I really don't look forward to that. I have gotten over the needles and blood part of this - honestly after being stuck so many times when I was pregnant with Savannah, and now for the miscarriage, the needles don't bother me. It's just hard to go in to that doctor's office, knowing full well that I'm there because my body rejected a potential baby. Then once I get there I sit in a waiting room full of 9-months-pregnant women - reminded of what I could have had: the excitement, the joy, the baby. While I'd like to think I have put that memory away and moved on to enjoy my life, I know the pain still isn't gone. The hurt and loss is still there...and every week I'm reminded. It was really not fun to get the phone call yesterday saying that I'd have to come back next week...it's like a miscarriage isn't just a one day event....the day you're told there's no heartbeat it's shattering...then you have all the physical issues to deal. It's pretty much all the same as what happens right after you have a baby - except this time you get all of that annoyance and pain without a baby as your reward. Then after that is over you are reminded every week while the doctor checks on you. I know it's all for my health, but it really, really hurts.
And so I come back to where I started...I am happy with my life and I love what I have. I am blessed to have a wonderful husband, an amazing daughter, and a life I love to wake up to every morning. But I do believe that without great sadness and pain we wouldn't appreciate the great joys and blessings.
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