They Don't Stay Little for Long

Today I decided to go back through some old blog posts and reminisce. It is almost humorous when I look at the titles since Luke's been born. Just about all of the posts detail the fast lane life we live in. Craziness. Fast. Chaotic. Those words pretty much sum everything up in a nutshell! To be truthful, our lives have been just overwhelming. Of course, Luke was born, I had work responsibilities in the middle of maternity leave, we had Easter and Savannah's birthday, we planned a quick trip to Ohio...and then I was going to get one peaceful, solitary week of maternity leave before returning to work. My parents were out of town, so I had planned to really just stay home, watch some TV, nap with my kids, and just enjoy the moment. But then Carl's mom had her stroke as we drove back from visiting family in Ohio. That week was anything be lazy and peaceful. Ever since then our lives have been busy, chaotic. When Carl's mom was in the hospital/rehab we visited her every night for a week, then 3 nights a week (and Carl more often than that). Carl took over more paperwork/bill responsibilities for his mom. The first week back to work was incredibly difficult. I'd gotten into a routine of managing housework and two kids while on maternity leave, so we knew that my first week back was going to be rough since I'd still have to get things cleaned/cooked/kids fed/etc AND work outside of the house 40 hours a week AND no more naps to catch up on sleep that Luke was stealing from me (2 or more feedings a night)...so an already difficult time in our lives became worse because we weren't home several evenings a week. Laundry piled up, dishes needed cleaned, we ate fast food a lot. Life was thrown into overdrive. It's been in that gear for two months now. It really hasn't slowed down. On the weeks that something out of our routine occurs (say a trip or extremely busy evenings), things don't get done. I can somewhat handle the routine now, but I hate the effects on my kids. On Monday I blogged about the craziness and how my kids have no resemblance of a bedtime routine. I hate that. Savannah used to be the best sleeper, and would go to bed all on her own. She was wonderful. Now - not so much. Luke is just at the age where he wants to settle into a bedtime...but we aren't around enough for one. I hate trying to bring up this fact to Carl...he knows I care for his mom...but he thinks I'm being mean by insisting my kids are home. That I'm not supporting his mom. I hate that. I care for her a great deal, but truth is...I care for my kids more. So Monday night was the first night in weeks that we were home ALL evening. The kids had baths and relaxed and got into bed on time. Neither one of them went to bed grumpy. Both were content. Tuesday evening came, and Carl and I decided to stay home with the kids for a second evening. Just as he and I were getting ready for bed he said, "I don't think I heard Luke cry all day." And I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs - "Of course he didn't! He is well rested!! He was able to stay home and just be a baby in our arms for a full 48 hours!" I really do believe that having a calm evening routine makes my kids happier...and I wish Carl would understand that without turning me into an evil witch that hates his mom. So basically it sounds like I'm mad that she had a stroke because of the way it effects me. And honestly, yes I hate that she had a stroke and that it has derailed my life and my kids' lives. That is the selfish side of me...but I also hate it (and the larger part of my hatred lies here) because it changed her life and the way it will affect her interaction with my kids. I hate it for her and I hate it for them. It sucks. It truly does. So now I'm in a hard position. I want to encourage all positive interaction for my kids and their grandmother...but I also have to keep my family healthy, and happy. (I think some of the illnesses haunting our household have had easy prey with some worn out kids and low immune systems due to the over-tired!) I want to be a supportive wife to Carl, and daughter in law to his mother...but I also have to take care of my family, our house, our jobs, our lives. It just is hard. Very, very hard.