I Wanna Grow Old With You

This past weekend Carl and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. We toasted to five years of wedded roller coaster rides bliss. For the first time in a long time, I was excited all week thinking about our trip away from the house. I couldn't wait to hit the road and just be us for once. I was excited to leave the worries and stresses that have filled our lives of late.

We traveled north to Pittsburgh. On the way up we stopped at McDonald's for lunch. When we pulled in the drive-thru was so busy, so Carl said, "I'll just run in and get food.". Then he said, "Wait, there's no kids, we'll both go in!". It is amazing that such a small thing such as eating our lunch inside of McDonald's without a child made us so giddy! After lunch we continued the drive. We checked into a hotel with a Jacuzzi tub - I swear our next house needs one of those! We went to The Melting Pot for a romantic dinner for two. We had yummy cheese fondue, delicious foods cooked in burgundy wine, and a bananas foster dessert fondue (flambe'd at the table!). Our waitress also brought us a complimentary glass of champagne to toast with. It was dark and cozy...and just adult.

After dinner we went shopping for a bit at the Waterfront district. It was nice to hop in and out of the car without dealing with car seats and kids and crying and potty breaks. We went and shopped where we wanted - unhurried! Later on we met friends at the Sing Sing Dueling Piano Bar. I'd been there once before and knew Carl would love it. We bought drinks, laughed, chatted, stayed out. When we left the bar around 11pm, we decided to hit up Dave and Buster's since it was right across the street. It was another little giddy feeling of happiness that we could change plans spur of the moment, enjoy time out, stay up late, and just do what we wanted.

Carl and I finally crashed at 2:00am. I woke up at 8:30a because well, since I still am responsible for the nourishment of my little Luke, I had to pump. Then I was hungry (as always!). So in all honesty, we didn't get any more sleep (and probably less) than what we would have gotten at home...but we had 24 hours of freedom. We didn't have a baby crying, a 3 year old whining or climbing on us, a parent needing us...we didn't have anything in our bubble but us.

It was nice. It was wonderful. I love, love, love my kids...but I also love my husband...and having kids makes it a much more difficult task to enjoy my husband. On the drive home I told Carl that at one point during our night away I realized a really depressing thought: The Sing Sing is a popular place for Bachlorette and Bachelor parties...and there were several in attendance. All of those young, carefree people, so excited to get married...drinking, partying, dancing...I used to be that youthful. And fun. And sexy attractive. We left at 11pm...a group of ladies in their 40s left around 10:30pm. We are old. We are boring.

After revealing this to Carl he kind of laughed, but agreed. Our lives are so very different from when we started dating to when we got married to now. I think I still thought I was somewhat young when we had just Savannah...but then Luke was born...and then Carl's mom had her stroke. We have had to grow up so quickly and begin caring for an ailing parent. It is tough to go through major lifestyle changes all at once. We have aged.

Our anniversary trip was so good for us. We needed to get away from responsibility and connect again. We'd grown weary and tired (little sleep, caring for three dependents, doctor's appointments, travel, work stress...) and barely kissed each other. Life just had us down and kept on pushing on us. The time we had to just step away from it and just breathe, and love each other, and worry only about each other's happiness...that is something we desperately needed. It helped to bring back some of our youthfulness. Our playfulness with each other. To laugh together.

Last night Carl and I had small date night (could be the last one for a while - we are super busy!) and we were talking about our memories from when we were first dating. It's amazing the things he remembers and then the things I remember. But we both remember the fun, the love, the energy, the excitement. I hope we never lose sight of that.

Now, as ten years have passed since the first date, I remember fondly the day Carl told me "I love you" for the first time. It was in April (I'm curious of the day...I'm hoping to find my old diaries soon to figure out the exact date. Wouldn't it be neat if it were the 10th, Savannah's birthday?!). He had just given blood at school and we were hanging out after school, watching TV at my parents. I was cozied up against him, just holding onto him. I felt the need to say "I love you." just randomly out of the blue. I didn't. I bit my tongue and just held on a little tighter. I didn't want to scare him away...we'd only been together for 2 or so months! That night, we went to hang out at a friend's house. We were watching some show on TV (some guy show, one I am not particularly interested in) and Carl got up to get a drink...there was some banter between me and Carl and some of his friends. There was laughter and he came over to kiss and said "I love you." then walked back into the kitchen...it just came out like a natural, said every day type of thing. I blushed a little but didn't say anything. When he dropped me off that night, he asked me if I had realized what he said. He said he hadn't planned it, it just came out of his mouth like it should naturally always....and I was amazed that on the same day, we both felt like together is the natural place to be. We both felt compelled to share our love for each other, we both wanted to express our love as natural and true as God intended. I believe we were made for each other. There are days that I just wonder, "What is he doing?!" or "What was he thinking?!"...and now that we have responsibilities there seem to be more of those days than ever before. This weekend gave us a brief look at what life was like before we had to grow up and grow old. It was a wonderful, wonderful reminder that we still love each other very, very much. I can't imagine my life without my soul mate, my best friend, my partner in crime, my husband.

They Don't Stay Little for Long

Today I decided to go back through some old blog posts and reminisce. It is almost humorous when I look at the titles since Luke's been born. Just about all of the posts detail the fast lane life we live in. Craziness. Fast. Chaotic. Those words pretty much sum everything up in a nutshell! To be truthful, our lives have been just overwhelming. Of course, Luke was born, I had work responsibilities in the middle of maternity leave, we had Easter and Savannah's birthday, we planned a quick trip to Ohio...and then I was going to get one peaceful, solitary week of maternity leave before returning to work. My parents were out of town, so I had planned to really just stay home, watch some TV, nap with my kids, and just enjoy the moment. But then Carl's mom had her stroke as we drove back from visiting family in Ohio. That week was anything be lazy and peaceful. Ever since then our lives have been busy, chaotic. When Carl's mom was in the hospital/rehab we visited her every night for a week, then 3 nights a week (and Carl more often than that). Carl took over more paperwork/bill responsibilities for his mom. The first week back to work was incredibly difficult. I'd gotten into a routine of managing housework and two kids while on maternity leave, so we knew that my first week back was going to be rough since I'd still have to get things cleaned/cooked/kids fed/etc AND work outside of the house 40 hours a week AND no more naps to catch up on sleep that Luke was stealing from me (2 or more feedings a night)...so an already difficult time in our lives became worse because we weren't home several evenings a week. Laundry piled up, dishes needed cleaned, we ate fast food a lot. Life was thrown into overdrive. It's been in that gear for two months now. It really hasn't slowed down. On the weeks that something out of our routine occurs (say a trip or extremely busy evenings), things don't get done. I can somewhat handle the routine now, but I hate the effects on my kids. On Monday I blogged about the craziness and how my kids have no resemblance of a bedtime routine. I hate that. Savannah used to be the best sleeper, and would go to bed all on her own. She was wonderful. Now - not so much. Luke is just at the age where he wants to settle into a bedtime...but we aren't around enough for one. I hate trying to bring up this fact to Carl...he knows I care for his mom...but he thinks I'm being mean by insisting my kids are home. That I'm not supporting his mom. I hate that. I care for her a great deal, but truth is...I care for my kids more. So Monday night was the first night in weeks that we were home ALL evening. The kids had baths and relaxed and got into bed on time. Neither one of them went to bed grumpy. Both were content. Tuesday evening came, and Carl and I decided to stay home with the kids for a second evening. Just as he and I were getting ready for bed he said, "I don't think I heard Luke cry all day." And I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs - "Of course he didn't! He is well rested!! He was able to stay home and just be a baby in our arms for a full 48 hours!" I really do believe that having a calm evening routine makes my kids happier...and I wish Carl would understand that without turning me into an evil witch that hates his mom. So basically it sounds like I'm mad that she had a stroke because of the way it effects me. And honestly, yes I hate that she had a stroke and that it has derailed my life and my kids' lives. That is the selfish side of me...but I also hate it (and the larger part of my hatred lies here) because it changed her life and the way it will affect her interaction with my kids. I hate it for her and I hate it for them. It sucks. It truly does. So now I'm in a hard position. I want to encourage all positive interaction for my kids and their grandmother...but I also have to keep my family healthy, and happy. (I think some of the illnesses haunting our household have had easy prey with some worn out kids and low immune systems due to the over-tired!) I want to be a supportive wife to Carl, and daughter in law to his mother...but I also have to take care of my family, our house, our jobs, our lives. It just is hard. Very, very hard.

Craziness. My Life is Craziness!

It's the middle of June already. Honestly, I thought life flew by at the speed of sound when we only had Savannah in our lives...now life is traveling at the speed of light! My household is once again healthy...and I'm really hoping it stays that way for a while now! Luke is growing too fast...he is close to 14 pounds and looks so very much like his daddy. It's adorable. He still has one of the most deafening cries I have ever heard. He has become "that kid", you know, the one that you say "If you had been born first I would have stopped having children...". We love him, but he is just about the most high maintenance person I have ever met. He wants it and wants it now. With Savannah, we'd let her fuss a bit before responding...to teach her that life doesn't revolve around her (or attempt to teach her such matters!). With Luke, you can't do it...he will just cry forever or drive you mad, whichever comes first. Savannah manages to impress me daily still. We recently went to Kennywood for a day full of family fun. I thought we'd be wasting our time attempting rides with her...she very rarely does anything alone. Most of the kiddie rides are for children only...but to my surprise she opened up and rode the ferris wheel, and rode several rides with me or Carl. Her favorite? One that you sit around and it lifts you up (maybe 30 feet) and then drops you...over and over again. Who would have thought my little shy princess would love that?! It kind of freaked me out, but she loved it. When we got home that night she would be almost asleep and then all of the sudden sit up and tell us all about her day and the rides. She loved it. Amusement parks are fun with her now...she gets so excited about every little detail. It is so youthful and refreshing and just fun to see the world through her eyes. Savannah is also learning things that surprises me. Yesterday she said, "Luke is holding his bink in his left hand." I looked at Luke, and sure enough, Savannah was correct. So then I started asking her about left and right...and she knows them! I asked her where she learned that, and she said "Here." (We were home.) I don't remember ever teaching her that...so where she picked it up from, I have no idea! In the past few weeks we have sold a lot of baby items...and we are still in the process of selling the rest of the stuff we don't use. I think my baby growing days are over...I might revisit the idea again when Luke is approaching 2 years old...but for now I'm going to say I'm 90% sure we're done. It hasn't even been bittersweet to get rid of stuff. When we only had Savannah, the idea of no more kids would make me instantly cry. Now, I just sigh at the thought of getting older, but it doesn't depress me. What does depress me is my weight...or really just my body in general. I've not ever really been a person to freak out over the number on the scale...and really I'm not obsessing with that now. I just hate how clothes fit on me. Nothing fits right....bigger sizes just hang on me...the correct size just makes me look bulgy in all the wrong places. Apparently growing and delivering two children has done a number on my body...it's just downright depressing. I want to exercise and diet...but I can't really do a whole lot of that since I'm solely responsible for the nourishment of Luke. (He may start some solid foods in July.) That is an area of my life that I'm just not happy with...I know I need to give myself some time...but I don't have time to waste - I have two kids to take care of! We are still crazy busy...between company picnics and yard sales...and traveling...and doctor's appointments...we have church commitments (Carl is on a committee, I'm volunteering for VBS crew leader *so excited to work with the littles!*)...caring for Carl's mom...and now Carl's dad is in need of some extra care...and just all sorts of little things in between...and our anniversary this weekend....it seems like our lives never stop spinning into craziness. My car has needed the oil changed for about 4000 miles now...Carl's needs inspected this month...and he goes to the chiropractor three times a week...and has some mens group thing once a week...and has to run his mom to her appointments twice a week...and handle her prescriptions (she moved home on Saturday which is great)...we are just so busy. Luke and Savannah depend on us for clean clothes and food...and Luke depends on us for everything...and now with Carl's mom, we do her laundry and Carl runs her where she needs to go...he leaves work just about daily for something for him or her...I don't know...we're both stressed...but what can we do? We certainly aren't going to stop caring for her. I suppose we have reached the point in our lives where we are caring for two generations...our own children and our parents. It is so hard to do that and still feel like we have our own identity and time to develop our selves. Of course, this all happens as we are learning to transition me fully into a working mom again...so our house had to adjust to a second child and being depended on by a parent, all at the same time....which has been stressful and difficult. Carl is showing the signs of wear and tear...he often "forgets" Luke. He left him on the main floor one evening. When Luke woke me up to nurse, I heard the cries and went to the nursery...and he wasn't there. Carl had somehow forgotten to bring him up with him when he came to bed. When I argued with Carl about it he said, "It isn't that bad, he was safe. It isn't like I left him in the car."...and when I said I wasn't going to let him take him anywhere in the car alone now he said I was being crazy...but then last night when we got home from visiting his dad, Luke was sleeping in the car (my car). I got Savannah out and was organizing the garage a bit and Carl put a few things into his car and then we put the garage door down. I had Savannah in my arms and was about to open the door into the house, and Carl was right behind me, following me in. I had to say, "Aren't you going to get Luke?"...so yes, he would have left him in the car! That could be deadly. So this leaves me with this feeling of spinning out of control. He is taking care of his mother and father, who both need his help. We pretty much do everything for them (laundry, bills, insurance work, shopping, driving to/from appointments). He has a busy/demanding job. He is at the doctor three times a week (that is supposed to end this week, thankfully). He is trying to progress in some mens group (I've started to hate that...the meetings are at the worst possible times. Plus I think the whole premise behind it is stupid.) He is chair of a committee at church (I told him he should resign as chair, mainly because he can't/isn't doing as good as job as someone else could.). In the past 2 months things at our house have been neglected. We had about 10 projects half done because he could never devote enough time to them....but when I insist he spend time working on things at the house he acts like I'm being insensitive to his family. It isn't that I don't want him to help them...they are important and they need us...but our house needs things too! And he has a sister that has one child, that's almost 10 (which means he bathes and feeds himself!)...so she could be doing some of the running back and forth. I hate to whine. We are blessed with our family. I am just having a really hard time enjoying it right now. Last week I lost my patience with both kids more times than I care to admit. I really think it's because the only time I had to interact with them was when I was performing a necessary function for them (diaper change, potty break, bath, meals). I haven't had time to just sit down and play. We are just out of the house and on the go so much...and I hate that. Savannah slept better and was happier as a baby when she was home and had a routine and had a bed time...now there isn't a set bed time...we just aren't home reliably...and I have no idea how to address that with Carl...without him feeling like I don't care. Our lives are just so crazy right now...there doesn't seem to be any other word to describe it.

Life in the Fast Lane

It seems like as a working mom of two I have lost the time to blog! I miss the feeling of putting the proverbial pen to paper (or fingertips to keyboard as it is). A lot has happened in a month too. Family: We visited Alabama last week. It was so much fun to see my family and for all of them to meet Luke. I will cherish those memories for a long time. Savannah had SO much fun playing with her cousins. She cried when the youngest of the bunch had to say their goodbyes. Carl and I bonded more with my cousin and his wife...it is so nice to have family that has so much in common with us. We hope to see them again soon - we keep trying to convince them to come and visit us. Luke: In the past month Luke has grown and matured and hit milestones galore. He slept through the night for the first time in Alabama. I was so surprised! Then he finally got back to normal in Morgantown and slept last night from 9:30p to 6:20a - my sleep schedule too! I was able to get a solid night's rest in my own bed! Hooray! Luke also is giggling (in little bits still - I can't wait when he unleashes fits of giggles!). He now is technically mobile - he can roll belly to back and back to belly. He sits well with help...it won't be long before he gets to eat solid foods. I was thinking of considering waiting until 6 months...but I think he will be ready earlier. He already watches us eat with such intensity...and at dinner he is no longer content to sit in his bouncer. We are going to clean up the high chair and put him in it for meals now...so at least he can enjoy the family time with us. He is just changing into an infant too fast - he isn't a newborn anymore! Savannah: She thoroughly enjoyed her trip south...but she brought back some kind of nasty illness. She threw up Friday and Saturday nights (got me both times!) and has had a temperature of 102 since Tuesday night...with a spike to 104.6 on Wednesday night. Medicine will bring it down, so we just keep checking it and medicating it. She had to have blood drawn for testing...I was so worried that would be a terrible, terrible difficulty. I am SO proud of my little girl...she laid back on the table, and I laid kind of over her and kept my face close to her and just stroked her hair and kept her eyes away from the needle. I asked her all sorts of questions about our trip and what she did and her kitties at home....and she didn't cry! She looked scared, but she was such a champ!! So far all test results have come back normal...so we are just waiting. I hate waiting. I want my little girl healthy. Yesterday after her second trip to the doctor, she wanted to go to Grandma's to watch some TV, so I stayed home with Luke. It was so nice to have a little one-on-one time with him. I was able to cuddle up and nap with him. He won't be that tiny for long, and the cuddling will soon turn into being side-by-side instead of me holding him. I read a book to him last night as I rocked him...he is growing too fast!!! There are many changes on the horizon, with a lot of questions hanging in the air. I know God has a path for us. I have always trusted that. When I miscarried, it was so hard...but the other day as I was smiling down at Luke (the tiniest little love of my life!) it hit me. If I hadn't miscarried twice, I wouldn't have Luke. God is good. I am wear I am meant to be in my life. I love my kiddos and I love Carl. Carl and I will soon be celebrating 5 years of marriage...we've been through a lot. His most recent little..."mistake"...was that he didn't get me a single thing for Mother's Day. No card, no gift, no homemade drawing...nothing. He even was home with the kids the Friday before and could have at least had Savannah draw me something! His thoughtlessness hurt my feelings...especially since I gave birth to two kids without medication, I get thrown up on, I am Luke's sole source of food, I clean house, I cook meals, I work...a little bit of appreciation would have been nice. So to not receive a gift of any kind hurt. It made things tense between us for a while...we bickered more, loved less. People who weren't even moms got gifts and I didn't. I guess in the end Carl felt bad that my feelings were so hurt...because on Wednesday he finally got me a gift. An adorable little card, new perfume, and a spa package that includes a 50 minute massage, 50 minute facial, and 50 minute pedicure. (He could have just gotten me a card that said he loved and appreciated me and he was sorry for forgetting to honor me as the mother of his children...but that can be our secret!) I know every marriage has ups and downs...and I know I'll hurt his feelings (not intentionally of course) someday and it will be my turn to apologize...but life is still amazing. Our family is blessed. We are happy. We love each other. That is all that matters.