Savannah turns 1 year old in 3 days. I've already hashed out my emotions on the subject - I made a slideshow of her photos last night that just about brings me to tears every time I see it. But some of this fanfare for her birthday isn't just about celebrating the year that has gone by, but preparing for the year to come. While there will be lots of fun milestones ahead, like walking and talking, there will also be several more "speedbumps" of parenting. This first year of parenting, while difficult, has mainly been about feeding, loving, cleaning, and basically meeting Savannah's needs. The parenting so far has been more or less about keeping her healthy and happy - not about teaching and shaping her. It has been instinctual, parents care for their young.
While we have seen some "teaching moments" from Savannah in her first year, they have been fairly easy battles to win. She hasn't quite figured out that just because we say "no" that she physically can't do it. She listens extremely well right now. We have an "aht" sound that works much better than "no". We have found that "no" almost automatically comes with us shaking our heads at the same time, and our little copy cat will now do things that she thinks will elicit a "no" from us just to copy us shaking our heads. She has decided this is a game. So, the sound "aht" has arrived. When she hears that she generally stops in place, and usually (but not always, depending on how badly she wants to do something) she will allow us to redirect her attention. We've had very few "speedbumps" on the highway of parenting this year. At one point Savannah enjoyed blowing raspberries during dinner, which generally resulted in either Carl or I wearing dinner. This was definitely unacceptable. This is also when the "aht" sound arrived. When the behavior first started we made a team game plan between Carl, my mother, and I (the three people who generally feed her meals). We were to say "no" in a firm tone, not smile, and shake our heads slightly. Well, then the copying began. She began blowing raspberries just to get us to shake our heads. It was such a game to her that she would blow a raspberry, then shake her head before we could tell her "no". It was so amusing to her - she would smile the entire time. So it became obvious that she knew it wasn't allowed but continued to do it. At this same point in time Savannah was also starting to crawl around and get into things. So the "aht" sound had just kind of become an automatic response when she would try to get to things that weren't for her, and she would respond to the "aht" with the appropriate action. So we began using this sound at the dinner table. Only a few short weeks later she was eating her food mannerly (well, it still ends up in her hair, but not because of spitting). This was our first accomplishment in the department of teaching and shaping Savannah.
We did meet opposition from others, not just Savannah. While at dinner with others one night (in a restaurant), Savannah began this spitting routine. We hadn't seen in at home in a while, but she was testing her grounds. Would we still have the same rules at a different table? I automatically said "aht" and she looked at me, and kind of whined. One of the guests dining with us said we should just let her do it, since it was better than screaming. But what is that teaching Savannah? And for how long do I allow her to do it? While a 9 month old blowing raspberries might be endearing (even that is a stretch to call it endearing!), but a 5 year old doing it is most definitely NOT. So if I just let her get away with it now, when do I change the rules on her? Do I just hope she'd forget it? (Not likely with her.) What message would I be sending to her? That rules will change on her, that I'm not going to hold up the rules outside of the house? In my opinion, blowing raspberries and screaming in a restaurant are both unacceptable behavior. It's not about punishment, it's about teaching and shaping her. It's about the deeper meaning.
Now, as we approach her 1st birthday, we are also facing a new parenting challenge. Savannah has discovered that there are lots of yummy drinks that adults get. (Sonic slushy anyone?) So when we enter a restaurant and order a drink (usually water) she has started to behave in a not-so-cute way. She instantly screams when the glasses are set down because we didn't offer her any of it. Some have suggested that we just take her a sippy in, and give it to her ahead of time. I have two issues with that solution. First, it doesn't matter if we do that or not - she still screams when she sees our glasses, regardless of having one to begin with. Second, what is that doing? It just prevents her from entering the situation. While some may argue that that is a good thing, I will argue that it's not. If she doesn't enter the situation, how is she supposed to learn how to behave in that situation? What happens if we forget the sippy cup? What if it is unavoidable, and she hasn't learned how to behave?
I do realize she is only going to be one year old this Saturday, and some say she isn't old enough to have rules. However, when she shakes her head before doing something not allowed, it becomes obvious that she knows right from wrong in that situation. So if she knows what is right and wrong, then in my opinion, it is time to start teaching her how to behave appropriately. In the end, it isn't about her blowing raspberries or screaming, it's about teaching her how to function and be accepted in the world's society. While a small little misbehavior today, the lesson she learns from our reaction is what will determine who she is in 20 years. I also am under no illusions that teaching her to not spit at dinner will make her Gandhi. I realize that all I can do is set up a solid foundation, and the rest will, eventually, be up to her.
So, we are celebrating the year that has passed and the year that will come. The walking and talking will soon arrive, but so will the tantrums and climbing and all that fun stuff toddlers get into...our real parenting skills are about to be tested...
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