Her party was mainly a success. The decorations and cake were just as I had pictured in my mind. Carl and I stayed up the night before her birthday to decorate the house. She was so excited on the morning of her birthday. When we went in to get her out of her crib she was already standing waiting for us. When I walked downstairs with her she became so excited over all the decorations! She particularly loved the hanging paper lanterns. Once party-time rolled around the hours went by in a flash. We had a lot of friends and family there to celebrate, and in the end I think the amount of people at our house overwhelmed Savannah. Our best estimate is that there were 30-40 people in the house, and all of them wanted to talk to, or hold, Savannah. By the time we were ready to sing "Happy Birthday" Savannah hadn't been able to get much lunch from all the attention, and once we put the hat on and started singing she was just done with us all. She cried and cried....and through all of that Carl forgot to video the birthday song! So we let her calm down a bit and tried again, but she still hated the entire process. I think that many people staring and singing at her was just terrifying for her...once most of the guests left we opened presents and she was in a much better mood. In the end I had planned a perfect party, but I didn't factor in that Savannah apparently isn't a fan of large crowds when everyone has their attention on her. So now I know. The night of her party I was exhausted, but once again I couldn't sleep. It wasn't because I was excited like so many nights before her birthday - this time I felt like a horrible mother. What had I done? I had planned this party, and then made my daughter miserable on her birthday. What kind of mother does that? I felt so selfish in my excitement, and so utterly awful as a mother. I cried myself to sleep, thinking that I had ruined the Savannah's First Birthday. I still feel pretty awful about it all...but friends have told me that birthdays never go as planned, and a lot of kids wind up crying on their birthdays. I guess my love of party planning, combined by my love for Savannah and wanting to celebrate such a huge milestone, got the best of me. I know she won't remember being overwhelmed by it all, but I still wish I had been able to make her day special for her. I've pledged that next year's party may be just as themed and decorated, but the guest list will be much smaller. Below I've included some photos and video of the day - for better or for worse. In the end all that matters is that Savannah is one very loved little girl, and now she is embarking on another year of learning and growing!
It seems that people find it their right to ask Carl and I about another baby - now that our baby isn't really a baby anymore. We've had a lot of questions from family and friends about our plans for the next little one. A lot of people seem to assume we'll announce something soon since our best friends are expecting a baby in October (SO excited for them!!), and last time they announced they were pregnant, we announced our own pregnancy shortly after. Alana and Savannah were born 9 days apart. My mother-in-law was very curious about this topic once she saw that I've picked out Savannah's big girl room bedding. She wanted to know why Savannah was switching rooms, and then she wanted a timeline for when we were considering another child. If we were planning to have another child close to our bestests' next one - I'd have to almost be in my second trimester by now, which would probably mean a slight baby bump...and to be honest, I weigh less now than I did before I got pregnant last time...so no baby bump, and no baby weight. I really, truly, am not lying when I say I'm not pregnant. Have we thought about it? Of course. I think Savannah would be an excellent big sister, and babies are such a delight. Am I ready? Absolutely not. I just feel so torn right now. I love being a mom, I love Savannah, I love everything about motherhood. But the same night I told Carl I'd like to seriously consider another baby after we go to Disney World I also told Carl that I don't want any more kids. I said both of those things within hours of each other...which to me is a clear sign I'm not ready. It was a shock to him when I said I might not want any more. He knows how much I loved being pregnant, and the entire process of motherhood. It's not that I didn't love every moment of it - it's just that as I was watching him play with Savannah that I realized another child would mean a much different picture of playing. Those little moments between Carl and Savannah wouldn't happen as often, and what about my moments with Savannah? Once another baby arrives I'd be breastfeeding every two hours, and Carl would really be the one to help with Savannah during those first few months. I just struggle with this feeling...I don't even know how to describe it...guilt? I think it would be different if I wasn't a working mom, as it is my time with Savannah is cut short because I spend 8-10 hours away from her every weekday....so then if I decide to have another child, I'm splitting that small amount of time between two children.
I realize I am not the first mother in history to have this problem. It's actually a problem that's in the news right now. I know a lot of people hate Kate Gosselin, but I am a fan of hers. I think the media can spin any picture or comment to sell magazines. I really think she has her children's best interest in mind when she makes decisions. Recently she's gotten a lot of flack from Jon about being an "absentee mom". Honestly - what does he want? She is doing the best she can to earn money to pay for these kids! Eight kids do not feed themselves. She is a working, single mother - that just happens to have a lot of cameras following her. Yes, she has a degree in nursing so she could do that instead of the more public jobs (such as Dancing with the Stars and writing books), but honestly, nurses keep some pretty long hours too! It is also rare for someone to stay in a single profession for their entire life. I think a lot of people just want to hate her for whatever reason. I do agree there were times Kate was harsh with Jon, but now that I'm a mom I can fully understand being frustrated sometimes. Carl and I have had our fair share of arguments that seem so pointless, but all started because of the stress of parenthood. I can't imagine the stress Kate and Jon were under with 8 mouths to feed. Every time I read a post about how awful Kate is/was, I think to myself...what would they say if cameras had been in my home during some of our little tantrums? I also would bet money that all those who criticize Kate also have had spats with their husbands - cameras just don't follow them around. So to me Kate is doing what she can to raise her children, and she does her best to be with her kids, but she also has to be a working mom....which is tough as I've become to realize. I am having a hard time thinking about a second child to split time with...I can't imagine how she feels having to split her time 8 ways.
So for now, no baby #2...maybe someday though...just not now.
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