And So It Begins...

It's mid-May...which in our house means it's time for yet another attempt at a successful pregnancy.

I'm really not sure how I feel about it all right now. I'd like to say that I am incredibly excited and happy...but there's so much worry and fear tied in. On my drive home the other day I was thinking about being pregnant and what I look forward to, and why I feel this need to have another child. I began to wonder if it was just a selfish want of mine...did I just want to be pregnant because I love being pregnant? Is it because I love the excitement, the surprise, the food?!

I was shocked to find that my answer for those questions is much different now than it would have been two years ago. I do think pregnancy is amazing and beautiful, but I don't think I will enjoy it as much as I did when I was pregnant with Savannah. I won't allow myself to enjoy it. I'll be nervous and worried and concerned for the success of the next pregnancy. Maybe after the first trimester I'll feel better, but I don't think I will ever be as carefree and happy as I was when I was pregnant with Savannah.

So I've come to the conclusion that while I am excited to be pregnant again, I am more scared than anything. The pregnancy is the scary part. What I am excited for is the possibility of another little life in our house. I can't wait to announce boy or girl to our family on the day of the next one's arrival (hoping that I make it this time!). I'm excited for the sleepless nights (hopefully someone will be reminding me of this in 9-12months!). I'm excited for Savannah to become a big sister...she adores babies right now...I just think she would be such an amazing sister.

I do feel at peace right now with the idea of trying for another pregnancy though. While I am scared, I also feel that God is with me. I don't know what the next year holds for me, but I feel so content in the path I will be traveling. This month I was disappointed to discover I wasn't pregnant (we weren't trying but not preventing...I didn't do any date look up or anything) and at first I tried to figure out why I was so disappointed. I think it was just the feeling of not succeeding...but I also saw it as a sign that things weren't right for a pregnancy...and I am praying that if I do get pregnant I make it the full 9 months...I'd rather not get pregnant than go through more miscarriages. That's a hard fact to face...not getting pregnant again. I especially feel down about that when I see or hear of other pregnant women. The other day I just about stopped breathing when I thought that I may not have more children. It's like that bucket list thing...I want to have more children before I die. But the catch here is that I don't control whether or not that happens.

With each milestone Savannah passes (which seems like every day she is turning into a child instead of a toddler!) I realize that I may only get to see these accomplishments once...and I may not see a second child do these things...and that is scary.

So over the upcoming months our family will need prayer and will be in prayer. We are hoping God blesses us with another child and a healthy pregnancy...I know I am doing everything in my power to stay healthy and prepared for another attempt. I must have a feeling things will work out this time, the other day I looked in the nursery and thought "I need to start sorting clothes and cleaning up this room!"...so maybe God is pushing me to be confident in all that He can do.

Here's to the roller coaster summer I am undoubtedly going to endure!