A Fork in the Road

If I could imagine the path of my life right now, I'd see myself standing in the middle of a path that splits up ahead.

Really, the more I envision my life's path I see networks of splits, sidetracks, and long spans in one direction. Every decision we make is a branch off of the path we were on before. Some decisions are much bigger, bolder forks in the road than others.

I will be at one of those large splits soon. While the whole "Will I get pregnant and successfully deliver a baby?" is one of those major mile-markers along my life's path, but the decision I've been thinking and praying about is not directly baby related. It's career related.

Recently a position came up at work that I am qualified for. I could apply to become an Assistant Professor. I'd be teaching more, would enjoy the summers off (and the major holiday weeks too!), and I'd get paid a little better. The drawback? I'd inherit a program that is struggling...and have to turn it into a successful program...within the first three years. After those three years, if successful, I would be granted tenure track. If I am not successful...well...there's always a job available somewhere, right?

I've discussed the possibility at length with several of my mentors at work, including the Dean. Everyone feels that if I were to get the job, I would be excellent. I also have a strong support system here of professors willing to work with me to ensure the program becomes a success. But I've been warned...a successful program could mean 60-80 hours a week.

This is what I have been waiting for to come up, but why am I so afraid to take the leap? The thing is that I love the job I have now. I love the flexibility, low stress, and I love the outreach side of things. I am just beginning to work with revolutionizing the science fair networks within the state, with LOTS of help from experts throughout the area. I am still able to teach my Engineering Economics class and other little classes here and there.

When I think of the reasons I would decide not to apply, they all point to one main fact. A new position like that may be difficult to manage with my main focus still being family. It would require a lot of hours at work, a lot of dedication to the job, possibly high stress, and at the end of three years, maybe no job, or the requirement to earn my Ph.D. (which is a goal I had for myself, but didn't intend on acting on that until all my children were at least in school). And where would a possible pregnancy fit in? Ideally I would have children in May and be on maternity leave only when summer is around...but everyone knows that I have trouble even staying pregnant, let alone picking the month for delivery!

So which way to go? The family route? Not the best money, low stress, high flexibility? The career route? More money, better schedule vacation wise, medium stress, less hours at home?

The decision has to be made by May 29th...there will be a lot of prayer in our house...baby prayers and career prayers...and prayers for my cousin and his family as well. We are sincerely hoping that things work out so we can see them again soon. God has been my strength over the last year, and He continues to be.