I'm starting to think I must have amnesia...or God gives mothers this wonderful gift of forgetfulness in order to ensure women have more than one child. Yesterday was my first Monday of a full week at work since the first week in December. A lot has changed in a month...especially the size of this baby and my belly.
When I got home, all I wanted to do was lie on my side on the couch. I didn't want to stand or sit upright anymore...not one bit. For some reason I don't remember being this uncomfortable at almost 32 weeks when I was pregnant with Savannah. I don't remember worrying that I was going to go into labor at any second. I do vaguely remember doing a lot of walking the last 3 weeks of pregnancy (when it was warm enough for me to walk without a coat). But the last 8-9 weeks?! I don't remember this. I don't remember being this tired, or emotional, or any of the negative.
I don't remember worrying about the delivery either. I think I was too innocent to it all and just thought that things would work out. Now I know better...I know there are lots of risks, for me and the baby. I know labor could arrive suddenly and a baby could be in my arms within minutes or hours of the first sign of it coming on. I keep saying this baby will arrive on February 29th...and yesterday I thought for the first time that although I entirely believe the baby will come that day - he/she could be late. Or not come that day. It's like I've been so set on that date that I truly believe it will be that day...I should just schedule the day off work for myself and everyone else. Now I worry if I'll be upset when it might not happen that way...I've even thought about what day I should schedule my appointment with the doctor that week...should I schedule it the 27th or 28th and ask her to strip my membranes (that totally convinced Savannah to come out - she was born two days later). But I know babies come when they are good and ready...regardless of what I want.
So now I'm uncomfortable much earlier in pregnancy (at least from what memory of pregnancy God has allowed me to retain...) and I'm more worried and emotional. When I was thinking about how hard it is to get Savannah in and out of the bathtub, I was telling someone I was 31 weeks pregnant...and then I thought, no that isn't right, I'm only 30...I even had to check my calendar. I am, indeed, 31 weeks. I will be 32 weeks on Thursday. At 32 weeks a baby is 95% viable...at 34 weeks a baby has the same chances of survivability as a full term baby...so then it hit me. I will be 32 weeks in 2 days.
Then a flood of emotions opens up...and all sorts of thoughts. We'll have a baby in our house soon...Savannah will become a big sister soon...she's been waiting so patiently for this big event. Yesterday I was packing up the camera (after I cleared the memory card and charged the battery) and Savannah wanted to know what I was doing. When I told her I was getting the camera ready for the baby, she then wanted to know if the baby was coming out right then...she is just so excited for it all to happen. I can't wait to see her reaction when Luke/Ella does arrive and she gets to walk into the room and meet her baby...she says that now. It's her baby. I wonder if she'll be super excited, or super shy. I know that she will react somewhat leery when she sees me in a hospital gown in the bed...and it makes me wonder how exactly I plan to handle that day. I don't want our families to find out the gender until they are in the room with me (I have waited this long - I want to see their reactions!)...but I also want Savannah to get to come in and spend time with Carl and I before all the other family comes in. I want her to feel special and included. I want to spend a little time together as a family of four. On the other hand, I don't want Savannah to get scared at seeing me right after a delivery. I want to have a chance to brush my hair and although I'd love a shower first, I know that the doctors wouldn't let me out of bed for 2 hours after Savannah was born...so a shower will be too much to ask before she sees me. I also know that holding off the grandparents long enough for Savannah to get time alone with us is going to be hard enough...I fully intend for my nurses and Carl to be the advocates in that situation...absolutely no visitors until Savannah has been there with us. We won't be making phone calls or posting online or anything else until we have had our time as a family...well, we won't be posting gender information anyway. I'm sure we'll call some close family/friends and let them know that I'm fine and baby is fine. It seems crazy that I have all of this worry when it really shouldn't matter...and there are much more important things to worry about.
Then there's the whole realization that I am 32 weeks...and this baby could decide to come early. As I said before, I'm convinced this baby is coming on February 29th...and I didn't even consider that I would be leaving work before that date. I have the regional science fair on February 11th. This entire pregnancy I have been fully planning to be here on that date...but now that I've felt contractions (some of which I'm convinced were real and others are just practicing for the future) it has hit me that this baby could even be early! The day of the fair I would be 36W 2D...so yesterday I started to panic...what if this baby comes early?! I certainly won't be here for that fair then...and nothing was really "ready" for the fair. No one knew my plan of action, where things were...any of it. So I've done all that I can do for that fair until February 3rd (when applications are due). This fair is by all means much, much easier to handle than the state fair...but I still have it down to a science (pardon the pun).
So the rest of the week I will be mailing out letters for the career fair (April 15th, which I won't be here for more than likely) and creating a plan of action for the state fair. I also handle all the college's catalog changes, which are due February 17th, so I will be begging faculty to get back to me quickly in case I disappear for a few weeks...this really is probably my busiest time at FSU...and also now the most difficult point in pregnancy...but at least I have everything ready at home...bags are packed, room is clean, house is clean, supplies are bought (even the supplies for Savannah's 3rd birthday are bought and stored so I won't have to shop after the baby arrives), and the cameras are ready to roll. I know that my coworkers can handle things if I disappear, but I hate to leave people in a lurch.
SO...besides the worry and stress of delivery, and being gone from work, and all of that...I am becoming so excited to meet this baby! At first it was easy to not know the gender...but as the time nears I'm becoming more and more anxious to find out. It is making the second time more exciting for sure too...while we'd be excited about welcoming a second child, regardless, it is much more exciting to know that every minute I contract and labor will be one more minute closer to finding out this surprise that I've been hiding for so many months! It just adds a touch of something special to it all. I really, really am excited about that moment that the doctor says boy or girl...so excited that I just want to jump up and down (totally can't perform that action probably, but almost excited enough to try)...I just cannot wait. We've been waiting for a second baby since June of 2010...it has been a long road for us and I am SO ready to have a baby in my arms.
So this pregnancy has been different, and rough, and less comfortable, and the heartburn has been ridiculous...and unless God is really good at giving me mother's amnesia again...this is the last time. I flat out told Carl last night that I'm done. Not only because of the pregnancy being uncomfortable, but there are lots of reasons. Three kids are more expensive...being pregnant and going through all those emotions and the ups and downs I have are hard...he barely has time for two kids, let alone three...he has other ambitions in life besides being a dad...and there just isn't room and time for everything. I've always said I wouldn't have three (or more) kids unless I would have the time and money to raise them with the love and interest each deserves...and at this point...two is enough. Maybe God will change my mind, or surprise me with a third. I won't be doing anything drastic to prevent another child (no surgery for me yet anyway)...and I don't plan on even visiting the idea of it until late winter/early spring of 2014.
Not many days left now...
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Nine Months to Nine Weeks (Or Less!)
It's hard to believe, but we are in the home stretch...nine weeks or less until Luke or Ella arrives for us! My mind and body are going through so much right now...it's been quite the week!
So last Tuesday was supposed to be my first day back to work. The roads weren't the best (due to snowy weather) and on my way down the largest neighborhood hill I lost control and barely missed a sign and light post. Needless to say, the whole way down I was saying, "Oh my, oh my, I'm pregnant!"...and once stopped I just parked my car at the bottom and walked back up the hill to the house. I was in tears and shaken for sure. So then on Wednesday, the weather still wasn't beautiful, but the local county schools were in session on a regular schedule. I packed up my things, got in the car, and headed out. Carl said he'd watch me go down the hill to make sure I got out and then he'd walk back to the house to get ready for work...he probably wished he hadn't watched! I lost control again, only this time I wasn't so lucky and I took out the sign and light post. I was fine...and really didn't feel shaken or scared at all. It's like "been there, done that"...but the car wasn't so lucky. There's $1700 worth of repair to be done...which means filing with insurance and paying the $1000 deductible. We have the money in our emergency savings account...but I just hate being the reason to have an emergency!
Once Carl go the car moved out of the way, we walked back up the hill. I decided I should at least call the doctor and let her know what happened, even though I really thought it was nothing. It turns out that she wanted me monitored for contractions...so off to the hospital we went. We spent 9 hours there...6 of them on monitors. I was having contractions, and at one point they were 5-7 minutes apart and you could see the peaks and valleys...they even started doing a few tests that might help predict an early labor...it was real then. And scary.
Thankfully, everything slowed on its own...and more than likely all of those contractions were due to the anxiety and stress of the day, plus some possible dehydration. When we finally got home Savannah was so excited to see us back...and she said, "My baby come out?". When I told her that it wasn't quite time, she said she wanted to see it, and had to see my belly and see that all was well. (She makes me so happy sometimes!) She seemed to have paid more attention to us talking than I thought too...she kept talking about "Mommy turn, turn, turn..." and she woke up crying for me the next morning and saying "Don't leave me" and cuddling up against me in our bed...so she understands much more than I ever thought.
Since that now infamous day, I have been much less comfortable. I don't know if it's now just the heightened concern for the baby...or if it is just the lasting exhaustion...or if it's just that I'm almost 32 weeks pregnant...but I ache and emotionally I'm a mess. On the physical side, I feel (and am more attuned to) the aches in my belly muscles...the possible Braxton Hicks...and I've been nauseous at night again...I usually don't want dinner, and if I do eat it's cereal...I don't know if the nausea is just hormonal or if it's because my muscles hurt when I sit up that it makes sitting at the table less desirable...but that part stinks. I also am having incredible difficulty sleeping...I never had that problem when I was pregnant with Savannah...but now I can't get comfortable, or I do and I can't sleep...I wake up every morning with stiff hips and knees...even with a body pillow to help hold my belly and my legs. Nights are the worst, but day time is difficult. Really, if I was this pregnant when I started my holiday break I don't know if I would have been able to survive...I can't get Savannah in and out of the bath tub anymore...and helping her with the potty is incredibly difficult...I just can't bend over and reach her pants anymore!
I don't know if Carl fully understands how I feel, and I think he thinks I use pregnancy as an excuse...but that's because last time I never slowed down. A week or two before Savannah was born I was up on chairs taking curtains down to wash them...and shoveling snow...and doing everything normal...I can't imagine doing any of that now! This pregnancy is so different than the first...part of it I'm sure is that I'm more tired in general because I have a 2 1/2 year old at home that is time demanding. I can't just go home from work and sit on the couch and watch TV all night...I have to do a lot...and some of the work I have to do is physically demanding. Sitting for very long at a time isn't comfortable...church was even hard this week...I kept shifting positions...the thought even crossed my mind that maybe I will send Carl and Savannah to church and I could use that hour of quiet to rest...but I really don't want to miss church. I just kept thinking that there's only nine more weeks at most...just nine more.
So physically the last nine weeks are going to be difficult...and emotionally. I think my anxiety is slowly creeping back into my mind...the day after Christmas I told Carl I felt anxious, but I wasn't sure why...and it wasn't anywhere near what I'd felt back in February and March...but it was there. That's the first time since I weaned off Celexa that I felt it at all. And then the accident last week...and the nerves are showing back up. Driving really hasn't been an issue (although I think all of my family was afraid it'd be a fight to get me back in the car)...and I don't feel any worry (except on the way down that hill - and I certainly will be hard pressed to even attempt that in the snow for a long time!). I am starting to feel the emotional worry and fear of delivery. I never did have a fear when Savannah was born...we just said we'd do things as natural as possible, and she ended up coming on her own, making things easy, and the entire process wasn't scary or worrisome...but now I worry. I'm starting to be afraid of the delivery, the complications, what if it doesn't go as well...just all of it. We have no real reason to be concerned, but it's starting to weigh on me. I also keep telling myself that I have time to get things together at work...but we are getting to the point of pregnancy where me being at work the next day isn't guaranteed....I could go into labor 10 minutes from now for all I know!
I know it's early, but when I saw the midwife on Friday she said that it isn't out of the question that I would be allowed to deliver a baby at this point...if the danger to me was significant, and the labor wasn't one that would easy stop....they were seriously consider allowing me to deliver....so nothing is out of the question at this point.
I am prepared for a baby...at home at least. As of last week I had everything ready (except a hospital bag - which is the one thing I might have actually needed on Wednesday!)...but at work...I'm not ready to leave. I have two major science fairs that I fear won't happen if I'm not here...one of them is before the due date, the other is after. I kept telling myself I would have all of January to focus on them...but now I'm starting to worry...who knows what is in the future?!
And the whole idea of a baby and medical procedures...and the health of a baby is scary. What if something is wrong, or something goes wrong? We have been working towards this baby for so long...I know I shouldn't worry...but telling me not to worry is like talking to a wall...totally not happening!
So for now there are my concerns...I'm sure I'll be blogging more as the time nears...
So last Tuesday was supposed to be my first day back to work. The roads weren't the best (due to snowy weather) and on my way down the largest neighborhood hill I lost control and barely missed a sign and light post. Needless to say, the whole way down I was saying, "Oh my, oh my, I'm pregnant!"...and once stopped I just parked my car at the bottom and walked back up the hill to the house. I was in tears and shaken for sure. So then on Wednesday, the weather still wasn't beautiful, but the local county schools were in session on a regular schedule. I packed up my things, got in the car, and headed out. Carl said he'd watch me go down the hill to make sure I got out and then he'd walk back to the house to get ready for work...he probably wished he hadn't watched! I lost control again, only this time I wasn't so lucky and I took out the sign and light post. I was fine...and really didn't feel shaken or scared at all. It's like "been there, done that"...but the car wasn't so lucky. There's $1700 worth of repair to be done...which means filing with insurance and paying the $1000 deductible. We have the money in our emergency savings account...but I just hate being the reason to have an emergency!
Once Carl go the car moved out of the way, we walked back up the hill. I decided I should at least call the doctor and let her know what happened, even though I really thought it was nothing. It turns out that she wanted me monitored for contractions...so off to the hospital we went. We spent 9 hours there...6 of them on monitors. I was having contractions, and at one point they were 5-7 minutes apart and you could see the peaks and valleys...they even started doing a few tests that might help predict an early labor...it was real then. And scary.
Thankfully, everything slowed on its own...and more than likely all of those contractions were due to the anxiety and stress of the day, plus some possible dehydration. When we finally got home Savannah was so excited to see us back...and she said, "My baby come out?". When I told her that it wasn't quite time, she said she wanted to see it, and had to see my belly and see that all was well. (She makes me so happy sometimes!) She seemed to have paid more attention to us talking than I thought too...she kept talking about "Mommy turn, turn, turn..." and she woke up crying for me the next morning and saying "Don't leave me" and cuddling up against me in our bed...so she understands much more than I ever thought.
Since that now infamous day, I have been much less comfortable. I don't know if it's now just the heightened concern for the baby...or if it is just the lasting exhaustion...or if it's just that I'm almost 32 weeks pregnant...but I ache and emotionally I'm a mess. On the physical side, I feel (and am more attuned to) the aches in my belly muscles...the possible Braxton Hicks...and I've been nauseous at night again...I usually don't want dinner, and if I do eat it's cereal...I don't know if the nausea is just hormonal or if it's because my muscles hurt when I sit up that it makes sitting at the table less desirable...but that part stinks. I also am having incredible difficulty sleeping...I never had that problem when I was pregnant with Savannah...but now I can't get comfortable, or I do and I can't sleep...I wake up every morning with stiff hips and knees...even with a body pillow to help hold my belly and my legs. Nights are the worst, but day time is difficult. Really, if I was this pregnant when I started my holiday break I don't know if I would have been able to survive...I can't get Savannah in and out of the bath tub anymore...and helping her with the potty is incredibly difficult...I just can't bend over and reach her pants anymore!
I don't know if Carl fully understands how I feel, and I think he thinks I use pregnancy as an excuse...but that's because last time I never slowed down. A week or two before Savannah was born I was up on chairs taking curtains down to wash them...and shoveling snow...and doing everything normal...I can't imagine doing any of that now! This pregnancy is so different than the first...part of it I'm sure is that I'm more tired in general because I have a 2 1/2 year old at home that is time demanding. I can't just go home from work and sit on the couch and watch TV all night...I have to do a lot...and some of the work I have to do is physically demanding. Sitting for very long at a time isn't comfortable...church was even hard this week...I kept shifting positions...the thought even crossed my mind that maybe I will send Carl and Savannah to church and I could use that hour of quiet to rest...but I really don't want to miss church. I just kept thinking that there's only nine more weeks at most...just nine more.
So physically the last nine weeks are going to be difficult...and emotionally. I think my anxiety is slowly creeping back into my mind...the day after Christmas I told Carl I felt anxious, but I wasn't sure why...and it wasn't anywhere near what I'd felt back in February and March...but it was there. That's the first time since I weaned off Celexa that I felt it at all. And then the accident last week...and the nerves are showing back up. Driving really hasn't been an issue (although I think all of my family was afraid it'd be a fight to get me back in the car)...and I don't feel any worry (except on the way down that hill - and I certainly will be hard pressed to even attempt that in the snow for a long time!). I am starting to feel the emotional worry and fear of delivery. I never did have a fear when Savannah was born...we just said we'd do things as natural as possible, and she ended up coming on her own, making things easy, and the entire process wasn't scary or worrisome...but now I worry. I'm starting to be afraid of the delivery, the complications, what if it doesn't go as well...just all of it. We have no real reason to be concerned, but it's starting to weigh on me. I also keep telling myself that I have time to get things together at work...but we are getting to the point of pregnancy where me being at work the next day isn't guaranteed....I could go into labor 10 minutes from now for all I know!
I know it's early, but when I saw the midwife on Friday she said that it isn't out of the question that I would be allowed to deliver a baby at this point...if the danger to me was significant, and the labor wasn't one that would easy stop....they were seriously consider allowing me to deliver....so nothing is out of the question at this point.
I am prepared for a baby...at home at least. As of last week I had everything ready (except a hospital bag - which is the one thing I might have actually needed on Wednesday!)...but at work...I'm not ready to leave. I have two major science fairs that I fear won't happen if I'm not here...one of them is before the due date, the other is after. I kept telling myself I would have all of January to focus on them...but now I'm starting to worry...who knows what is in the future?!
And the whole idea of a baby and medical procedures...and the health of a baby is scary. What if something is wrong, or something goes wrong? We have been working towards this baby for so long...I know I shouldn't worry...but telling me not to worry is like talking to a wall...totally not happening!
So for now there are my concerns...I'm sure I'll be blogging more as the time nears...
Monday, January 2, 2012
Pure, Unadulterated Joy
Over my break from work I've been checking things off my "To Do Before Baby Comes" list. I've almost accomplished everything - and really the things that are left aren't going to be deal-breakers if they don't get done.
One of my favorite things that I completed is the organizing of the nursery and packing bags. Savannah and I have cleaned up the nursery, gotten the diapers ready in their basket (I truly forgot just how small newborn diapers are!), and packed a diaper bag. Savannah was such a big help listing off all the things that would need to go in the bag, and storing each item in a special place. She loved helping. Then it was time to pack a travel bag for her (This bag will stay in Grandma's car so that when we head to the hospital, no matter where Grandma is, she has clothes for 4 days. Again, I know she lives in the same town, but if it's snowy we don't want Grandma having to trek out to our house in bad weather just for clothes!)
Savannah picked out her outfits, pajamas, socks, and shoes and helped put each item in the bag. Then she said we were all done, and she was so happy. She kept smiling and talking about her baby coming when it was ready. She gave me a big hug and said she wanted to help me pack my bag for the hospital too. She is so excited to be a big sister, and so far no jealousy has come into play (although I know eventually we'll see it). It was just such a special moment, sitting in her closet, packing her bag, talking with her about being a big sister and the trip to the hospital...and realizing that it really is happening...we really will be bringing another child into the world and she really will get to be a big sister and share all her love with a sibling. It is such a pure joy - one that is almost indescribable.
One of my favorite things that I completed is the organizing of the nursery and packing bags. Savannah and I have cleaned up the nursery, gotten the diapers ready in their basket (I truly forgot just how small newborn diapers are!), and packed a diaper bag. Savannah was such a big help listing off all the things that would need to go in the bag, and storing each item in a special place. She loved helping. Then it was time to pack a travel bag for her (This bag will stay in Grandma's car so that when we head to the hospital, no matter where Grandma is, she has clothes for 4 days. Again, I know she lives in the same town, but if it's snowy we don't want Grandma having to trek out to our house in bad weather just for clothes!)
Savannah picked out her outfits, pajamas, socks, and shoes and helped put each item in the bag. Then she said we were all done, and she was so happy. She kept smiling and talking about her baby coming when it was ready. She gave me a big hug and said she wanted to help me pack my bag for the hospital too. She is so excited to be a big sister, and so far no jealousy has come into play (although I know eventually we'll see it). It was just such a special moment, sitting in her closet, packing her bag, talking with her about being a big sister and the trip to the hospital...and realizing that it really is happening...we really will be bringing another child into the world and she really will get to be a big sister and share all her love with a sibling. It is such a pure joy - one that is almost indescribable.
Friday, December 30, 2011
New Year - New Family Dynamics
Well, it's almost time to wish 2011 goodbye. I wish I could say I'm sad to see the year change...but I'm not. It has been a completely emotional journey this year. The emotional high of being pregnant, the low of miscarrying, the extra low of facing anxiety and depression, and then the highs again of birthdays and pregnancy.
Savannah has transformed from a toddler to more of a preschooler...she has opinions and attitudes and independence...she looks and acts so different from last year. She is almost potty trained (I so wish this wasn't a months long process with her - I half blame myself for the set backs though.) She counts, sings all kinds of songs...and even adds now! We are working on adding small numbers...I hold up fingers on each hand and she has learned how to add the fingers by counting them all as a set...it's just ridiculous what she knows. She recites the Lord's Prayer with me at night, as well as thanks God for all kinds of things I leave out ("Thank you for my fan, for mommy's glasses, for my doll,...")
Carl and I have survived (and at times thrived) a year of hardships...we are still in love, still love our family, and are excited for another year together. In February we will have been "together" for 10 years - now that is hard to believe! Carl had wanted to surprise me with a trip to New York City for Valentine's Day (the spot we started dating)...but I'll be 37 weeks pregnant - no way I'm leaving Morgantown!! Our 5th wedding anniversary is in June, but we won't be doing much. I know I won't want to leave Savannah and Luke/Ella that soon.
It's not to say that our family hasn't struggled some...outside of the whole miscarriage thing. We are busy as always, we argue over in-laws and silly things...and he has recently decided to take on another responsibility outside of the home. He's decided to join others in a group that has a lot of meetings...which is much to my dismay. He has "business" meetings twice a month in the evenings (honestly what kind of group needs to meet that often?!), in addition to meeting with one of the more senior members once a week for at least the next 6 weeks. This is all in addition to Bible Study (which I will be giving up - sitting in a hard chair for an hour has become too difficult) that means every other week he will be gone 3 nights in a row and then on off weeks he'll be gone 2 nights a week....AND he is still supposed to work as usual and he takes care of his mother's responsibilities as well...just where Savannah, myself, and Luke/Ella fit in I'm not sure. It's been a point of contention at our house for sure...it isn't so much that I hate it, I hate the time it takes from family...and the family is growing into a family of 4 soon. He just has terrible timing and doesn't want to hear anything I have to say about it.
The other day was a day that Savannah and I stayed home all day, and around 2:00 Carl called to tell me he was going to one of those meetings at 7:00...which was really irritating. If I had known he was going to be gone at night, Savannah and I would have gone out in the day, just to break up all the time spent together at home...so I wasn't happy about it. Then he worked until a little after 6:00...so I had basically 25 minutes alone that day...and he said he'd be back at 8:00, so if I wanted to wait to do bedtime so he could help (bath time is becoming really cumbersome...I honestly don't think I can lift her out of the tub anymore) I could wait...so I did. At 8:30 he wasn't home, so I called. He said he'd be home soon...Savannah eventually fell asleep on the couch waiting for her dad. I had to sit in the living room with her until he got home since I can't carry her up the stairs...that was around 10:15. All day Savannah asked for her dad, and then when she asked for him to play with her Little People with her I told her he had to leave again and she started to cry and told him she didn't want him to leave...and then when she was trying to stay awake for him she kept saying "I need my daddy"...it just makes it really hard to see and hear that and know that he is making that choice, to be gone. Then the days after he's been gone her behavior is worse...which is just lovely when I'm home with her all day and can't do things she wants me to (like carry her and crawl around and get up and down in the floor with her...). When he was getting ready to leave that night I started crying...it was just too much to handle emotionally. Savannah was upset, I definitely was tired and needed a break...and Carl was eager to leave. I just wish he could switch with me for one day and realize what it's like. Savannah saw me crying and came running over...and she seemed almost panicked, like she didn't know what to do since I was the one crying. She suddenly said, "Oh I know! I get my wee rabbit!" (Lovey), and she brought it to me and asked if I was better. I told her I was, but she got her stuffed dog too, just in case. I know we're raising a wonderfully caring little girl when she does stuff like that...but it is still so hard to not cry about the other things in life.
I don't know...I guess I'm jaded some. I've lost two children and know that I will never get to spend time with them...and then Carl makes choices to leave the house and the family he should want to be near. I understand that we can't be with our kids 24 hours a day, every day...we have to work to pay for our house and food...we also need breaks occasionally...and our kids need to do things without us sometimes so they can learn how to become responsible citizens of society...but night after night is ridiculous.
So what will come in the next 10 weeks? We'll be blessed with another child...but I also remember the first 10 months of Savannah's life were the hardest months of our marriage...and Carl wasn't taking care of his mother's responsibilities or joining some "elite only" group that requires insane amounts of time...so I foresee it to be worse. Hopefully I'm strong enough to survive, and he's smart enough to make better decisions.
Here's to hoping 2012 is full of joy, happiness, and love to everyone!
Savannah has transformed from a toddler to more of a preschooler...she has opinions and attitudes and independence...she looks and acts so different from last year. She is almost potty trained (I so wish this wasn't a months long process with her - I half blame myself for the set backs though.) She counts, sings all kinds of songs...and even adds now! We are working on adding small numbers...I hold up fingers on each hand and she has learned how to add the fingers by counting them all as a set...it's just ridiculous what she knows. She recites the Lord's Prayer with me at night, as well as thanks God for all kinds of things I leave out ("Thank you for my fan, for mommy's glasses, for my doll,...")
Carl and I have survived (and at times thrived) a year of hardships...we are still in love, still love our family, and are excited for another year together. In February we will have been "together" for 10 years - now that is hard to believe! Carl had wanted to surprise me with a trip to New York City for Valentine's Day (the spot we started dating)...but I'll be 37 weeks pregnant - no way I'm leaving Morgantown!! Our 5th wedding anniversary is in June, but we won't be doing much. I know I won't want to leave Savannah and Luke/Ella that soon.
It's not to say that our family hasn't struggled some...outside of the whole miscarriage thing. We are busy as always, we argue over in-laws and silly things...and he has recently decided to take on another responsibility outside of the home. He's decided to join others in a group that has a lot of meetings...which is much to my dismay. He has "business" meetings twice a month in the evenings (honestly what kind of group needs to meet that often?!), in addition to meeting with one of the more senior members once a week for at least the next 6 weeks. This is all in addition to Bible Study (which I will be giving up - sitting in a hard chair for an hour has become too difficult) that means every other week he will be gone 3 nights in a row and then on off weeks he'll be gone 2 nights a week....AND he is still supposed to work as usual and he takes care of his mother's responsibilities as well...just where Savannah, myself, and Luke/Ella fit in I'm not sure. It's been a point of contention at our house for sure...it isn't so much that I hate it, I hate the time it takes from family...and the family is growing into a family of 4 soon. He just has terrible timing and doesn't want to hear anything I have to say about it.
The other day was a day that Savannah and I stayed home all day, and around 2:00 Carl called to tell me he was going to one of those meetings at 7:00...which was really irritating. If I had known he was going to be gone at night, Savannah and I would have gone out in the day, just to break up all the time spent together at home...so I wasn't happy about it. Then he worked until a little after 6:00...so I had basically 25 minutes alone that day...and he said he'd be back at 8:00, so if I wanted to wait to do bedtime so he could help (bath time is becoming really cumbersome...I honestly don't think I can lift her out of the tub anymore) I could wait...so I did. At 8:30 he wasn't home, so I called. He said he'd be home soon...Savannah eventually fell asleep on the couch waiting for her dad. I had to sit in the living room with her until he got home since I can't carry her up the stairs...that was around 10:15. All day Savannah asked for her dad, and then when she asked for him to play with her Little People with her I told her he had to leave again and she started to cry and told him she didn't want him to leave...and then when she was trying to stay awake for him she kept saying "I need my daddy"...it just makes it really hard to see and hear that and know that he is making that choice, to be gone. Then the days after he's been gone her behavior is worse...which is just lovely when I'm home with her all day and can't do things she wants me to (like carry her and crawl around and get up and down in the floor with her...). When he was getting ready to leave that night I started crying...it was just too much to handle emotionally. Savannah was upset, I definitely was tired and needed a break...and Carl was eager to leave. I just wish he could switch with me for one day and realize what it's like. Savannah saw me crying and came running over...and she seemed almost panicked, like she didn't know what to do since I was the one crying. She suddenly said, "Oh I know! I get my wee rabbit!" (Lovey), and she brought it to me and asked if I was better. I told her I was, but she got her stuffed dog too, just in case. I know we're raising a wonderfully caring little girl when she does stuff like that...but it is still so hard to not cry about the other things in life.
I don't know...I guess I'm jaded some. I've lost two children and know that I will never get to spend time with them...and then Carl makes choices to leave the house and the family he should want to be near. I understand that we can't be with our kids 24 hours a day, every day...we have to work to pay for our house and food...we also need breaks occasionally...and our kids need to do things without us sometimes so they can learn how to become responsible citizens of society...but night after night is ridiculous.
So what will come in the next 10 weeks? We'll be blessed with another child...but I also remember the first 10 months of Savannah's life were the hardest months of our marriage...and Carl wasn't taking care of his mother's responsibilities or joining some "elite only" group that requires insane amounts of time...so I foresee it to be worse. Hopefully I'm strong enough to survive, and he's smart enough to make better decisions.
Here's to hoping 2012 is full of joy, happiness, and love to everyone!
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Holidays!
There are times when I am reminded of why I work where I do, for the smaller salary than my peers. Times like now. I may not earn what most Industrial Engineers with a Master's Degree would make...but I have this week and next to spend with Savannah...one week is vacation days and the other is just holiday for the entire University. It has been such a blessing!
Savannah and I have had a busy first 3 days of our vacation together. We have shopped...and shopped...and shopped for Christmas presents. We have then wrapped the presents (Carl's are all the same color wrapping paper, ribbon, and bow thanks to her!). We've made gingerbread cookies, and colored in wooden ornaments for her own little tree, and we've cleaned the house...and organized some things for Baby Luke/Ella's arrival. We have been busy - but it has been amazingly fun. Today on our way to pick up my mom (to go shopping with us yet again) Savannah said, "We're going to Grandma's?" and I told her yes, and she said "I don't want you to leave me there."...I know most certainly that wasn't a slight to my parents - it was a plus to my side. She just loves being with me since I've been able to play with her more. I am truly blessed to have these two weeks with her...knowing that in 11 weeks or less she will be forced to share her time with me.
Of course, life with a toddler isn't always perfect. We've been working on two big issues at our house recently - potty training and bedtime. Potty training is going well. She has been dry for over a week with maybe 1 or 2 accidents total. Saturday and Monday we were away from the house for the entire day, and she was dry the entire time. We don't ask her, she just tells us. This morning she told me she needed to go to the potty, so we headed that way. She got side-tracked by the Santa advent we have and said she wanted candy. I told her she had to use the potty first...well she didn't want that. So I just went about making breakfast and told her that the advent wouldn't get opened until she used the potty. About a minute later she runs past me to the potty, got her pants down on her own, and used the potty all by herself! I had to help with the clean-up, but she did it all by herself! I was so happy for her. She most definitely isn't 100% trained...but we're a lot closer than we used to be!
As for bedtime...well...she used to be so good about bedtime. We'd put her in her room awake and she would fall asleep all on her own. Then it turned into something much different...and for the past 2 weeks it had been she falls asleep in our bed and at some point Carl would carry her to her room. The nursery was also a place for us to read together...but there's a lot that's going to be happening in the coming weeks that means none of that is good...and in reality, baby or no baby, Savannah needed to get back to her routine. I'm not sure how we got out of that good routine...I know some of it was Nana would watch her on Tuesday nights and stay in her room with her until she fell asleep...and then when we were traveling she'd be in the same room with us...and then she was afraid of the dark...and we'd be busy and out past bedtime...it just got out of hand. So I have taken this opportunity of vacation to work on that. Last night was the first night of enforcement. We had Nana give her a bath at 7:45 so that when we got back from Bible Study she'd be ready for bed. After Nana left, Carl and I read books in Savannah's room. At first she just refused for us to read to her in there...so she went out in the hall. Carl and I just kept reading to her toys and eventually she climbed up to read with us. Then after a brief cuddle we left the room...and so did Savannah. She would cry and tell us she didn't like her room...and she'd be back at our bedroom door...it took 6 trips back to her bed before we just closed our door and waited...she cried outside the door for about 5 minutes. Then it was quiet...so I took my shower. After I got out of the shower Carl said he still hadn't heard a peep from her. I expected to look in the hall and find her in the floor. But to my surprise, she had gone back to her own bed and fallen asleep. So by 9:30 I know she was asleep, but my guess is she was asleep around 9:00...which still is late for a two year old.
So tonight, Carl is out. I was dreading the bedtime battle alone...but I gave her a warning at 7:10 that we'd get a back in a few minutes. She just said okay. Then I gave her a 10 minute warning, and then a 5 minute, and then a two minute. When it was time to go upstairs at 7:45 she just told her toys night-night and got her lovey and headed for the steps. Once we were upstairs she said she was going to "feed" her stuffed Clifford while I got her bath ready...so I said okay and we each did our little jobs. When it was time for bath I cleaned up her tea party stuff, and she didn't fuss. She got into the bath, washed her face and her hair. When we put on PJs I told her that we needed to brush her teeth next (that's usually Carl's job at night). She said, "You are going to brush my teeth because my Daddy isn't here.". So she was fine with that and with brushing her hair. When it was time to read books she tried crying about not using her room again, and stood in the hall...but I just read to her toys. By the second book she was curious enough to come sit with me. So we read all her books and said our prayers. I asked if she wanted to cuddle, and she did. So we got all her toys cuddled in bed with her. I stayed next to her for about 2 minutes, and then told her it was time for me to go. I said my "I love yous" and "night night" and she said, "I love you too. Night night.". I was back to my bedroom by 8:22 and she never once got out of bed. No crying, no fighting, no trips back and forth.
So now it's up to us to keep this routine and make sure everyone is on the same page with it. Carl and I need to be better about not staying out with her past bedtime. I've also decided to stop attending Bible Study...not necessarily because I don't think Nana can handle it, but because it's getting hard to sit in a folding chair for an hour straight...and once the baby is here things are going to get all wacky...and Carl and I both don't want to leave Nana with Savannah and Luke/Ella...that would just be a lot for her. So Carl will continue on, but I will step out for a while.
I know bedtime isn't always going to go smoothly, but I am so, so happy that Savannah made it easy on me tonight. I am exhausted, and I had blood work drawn today (glucola test - the high number that would signal the 3 hour test is 134, I came in at 119), and I just wanted to be able to get it done without crying and pushing buttons. I'm one happy mama now that I have a sleeping toddler before 8:30pm again!!
Savannah and I have had a busy first 3 days of our vacation together. We have shopped...and shopped...and shopped for Christmas presents. We have then wrapped the presents (Carl's are all the same color wrapping paper, ribbon, and bow thanks to her!). We've made gingerbread cookies, and colored in wooden ornaments for her own little tree, and we've cleaned the house...and organized some things for Baby Luke/Ella's arrival. We have been busy - but it has been amazingly fun. Today on our way to pick up my mom (to go shopping with us yet again) Savannah said, "We're going to Grandma's?" and I told her yes, and she said "I don't want you to leave me there."...I know most certainly that wasn't a slight to my parents - it was a plus to my side. She just loves being with me since I've been able to play with her more. I am truly blessed to have these two weeks with her...knowing that in 11 weeks or less she will be forced to share her time with me.
Of course, life with a toddler isn't always perfect. We've been working on two big issues at our house recently - potty training and bedtime. Potty training is going well. She has been dry for over a week with maybe 1 or 2 accidents total. Saturday and Monday we were away from the house for the entire day, and she was dry the entire time. We don't ask her, she just tells us. This morning she told me she needed to go to the potty, so we headed that way. She got side-tracked by the Santa advent we have and said she wanted candy. I told her she had to use the potty first...well she didn't want that. So I just went about making breakfast and told her that the advent wouldn't get opened until she used the potty. About a minute later she runs past me to the potty, got her pants down on her own, and used the potty all by herself! I had to help with the clean-up, but she did it all by herself! I was so happy for her. She most definitely isn't 100% trained...but we're a lot closer than we used to be!
As for bedtime...well...she used to be so good about bedtime. We'd put her in her room awake and she would fall asleep all on her own. Then it turned into something much different...and for the past 2 weeks it had been she falls asleep in our bed and at some point Carl would carry her to her room. The nursery was also a place for us to read together...but there's a lot that's going to be happening in the coming weeks that means none of that is good...and in reality, baby or no baby, Savannah needed to get back to her routine. I'm not sure how we got out of that good routine...I know some of it was Nana would watch her on Tuesday nights and stay in her room with her until she fell asleep...and then when we were traveling she'd be in the same room with us...and then she was afraid of the dark...and we'd be busy and out past bedtime...it just got out of hand. So I have taken this opportunity of vacation to work on that. Last night was the first night of enforcement. We had Nana give her a bath at 7:45 so that when we got back from Bible Study she'd be ready for bed. After Nana left, Carl and I read books in Savannah's room. At first she just refused for us to read to her in there...so she went out in the hall. Carl and I just kept reading to her toys and eventually she climbed up to read with us. Then after a brief cuddle we left the room...and so did Savannah. She would cry and tell us she didn't like her room...and she'd be back at our bedroom door...it took 6 trips back to her bed before we just closed our door and waited...she cried outside the door for about 5 minutes. Then it was quiet...so I took my shower. After I got out of the shower Carl said he still hadn't heard a peep from her. I expected to look in the hall and find her in the floor. But to my surprise, she had gone back to her own bed and fallen asleep. So by 9:30 I know she was asleep, but my guess is she was asleep around 9:00...which still is late for a two year old.
So tonight, Carl is out. I was dreading the bedtime battle alone...but I gave her a warning at 7:10 that we'd get a back in a few minutes. She just said okay. Then I gave her a 10 minute warning, and then a 5 minute, and then a two minute. When it was time to go upstairs at 7:45 she just told her toys night-night and got her lovey and headed for the steps. Once we were upstairs she said she was going to "feed" her stuffed Clifford while I got her bath ready...so I said okay and we each did our little jobs. When it was time for bath I cleaned up her tea party stuff, and she didn't fuss. She got into the bath, washed her face and her hair. When we put on PJs I told her that we needed to brush her teeth next (that's usually Carl's job at night). She said, "You are going to brush my teeth because my Daddy isn't here.". So she was fine with that and with brushing her hair. When it was time to read books she tried crying about not using her room again, and stood in the hall...but I just read to her toys. By the second book she was curious enough to come sit with me. So we read all her books and said our prayers. I asked if she wanted to cuddle, and she did. So we got all her toys cuddled in bed with her. I stayed next to her for about 2 minutes, and then told her it was time for me to go. I said my "I love yous" and "night night" and she said, "I love you too. Night night.". I was back to my bedroom by 8:22 and she never once got out of bed. No crying, no fighting, no trips back and forth.
So now it's up to us to keep this routine and make sure everyone is on the same page with it. Carl and I need to be better about not staying out with her past bedtime. I've also decided to stop attending Bible Study...not necessarily because I don't think Nana can handle it, but because it's getting hard to sit in a folding chair for an hour straight...and once the baby is here things are going to get all wacky...and Carl and I both don't want to leave Nana with Savannah and Luke/Ella...that would just be a lot for her. So Carl will continue on, but I will step out for a while.
I know bedtime isn't always going to go smoothly, but I am so, so happy that Savannah made it easy on me tonight. I am exhausted, and I had blood work drawn today (glucola test - the high number that would signal the 3 hour test is 134, I came in at 119), and I just wanted to be able to get it done without crying and pushing buttons. I'm one happy mama now that I have a sleeping toddler before 8:30pm again!!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Mixed Bag of Emotions
So I am officially entering the 3rd trimester. I saw a lot of old friends this weekend at Carl's company holiday party. It was so nice to see so many people who I care for - and they all had questions about Luke/Ella. I think I answered the "Girl or boy?" question about a million times. I also was asked about the due date, how was I handling the nursery if I don't know pink or blue, how does Savannah feel about it, and even more questions. I enjoyed all the curiosity and well wishes, but it also reminded me of the little time we have left to enjoy pregnancy...especially if this is my last. At times I enjoy the sensation of Luke/Ella moving around and kicking and generally letting me know that he/she wants some more space...but then there are times (like last night) when I feel so nauseous that the extra kicking and rolling doesn't help the ill feeling. I dread the recovery of it all...but I cannot wait for the baby...it is just still so surreal.
And I still keep being reminded, even if subtly, that I have lost two children since we were blessed with Savannah. At the party we saw several couples that now have two children, or will have two within weeks. We were the first of all of those couples to have a child...so since Savannah's birth they have gotten pregnant and delivered healthy children. I don't mind the timing, I am really happy about the way things are working out. God always knows best. I'm just sad about the two children I didn't meet.
I think the pain of losing two will be with me forever...I had hoped that being pregnant would help...and it has...but last night Carl and I started watching "One Born Every Minute" again...it really is such a truthful and touching show. I love it...even though I cry every time I watch it. Last night we caught up on the first two episodes of the new season...and there was one woman on there that had gone through two miscarriages and a still birth...and she was finally in there to deliver her baby at 36 weeks (which was another eek moment - that's only 8 weeks away for me!). When the baby was finally born she just cried and cried and it was just SO emotional...and I cried right along with her. I cannot imagine what she has been through...even with my own history I can't imagine it.
Our good friend Patrick was at the house, watching the show too (I think he just allows the pregnant one to control the remote out of sweetness.). He isn't a dad yet, and hasn't really been through the hospital routine of it all...which I think allowed Carl to feel kind of special because he could fill Patrick in on all the things that happen...the boring parts and the gross parts too. But I think Patrick was really watching me for signs of breakdown...I'm sure Carl was too, but he knows what to expect.
It also spurred a lot of conversation that I know I need to start thinking about, but I've avoided. Carl and I always marvel at how on the show, the dads are always bored out of their minds waiting for something to happen...hardly can sit still or sleep a lot or eat a lot...and we just laugh because by the time we got to the hospital, Carl barely had time to go to the car to get our bags and get the camera set up before it was time for him to help me push...like he barely had time to call the parents and let them know we were there. He just told them that if they wanted to see me before Savannah arrived, they'd better hurry up. He didn't eat a thing until after Savannah's birth because we got out of bed that morning and sped to the hospital and it all happened SO fast. And so natural. We never had doctors fretting over low heart beats, or less baby activity...it was just so amazingly smooth sailing. Never once was anyone ever panicked...it was just so perfect. I have thought about that day a lot. That was a true gift from God too. I was able to fully enjoy (and yes suffer) through the natural birth of Savannah. So many women want that, and don't get it. We truly did have an amazing birthing experience...so after watching these shows with Patrick, he of course asked all about how things went with Savannah...which of course led to the conversation of, "Do you think that will happen again this time?".
I'd like to say "Yes it will."...but I know every child and pregnancy and birth is unique. I may be one of those with a body built for having babies...but who knows. I do know that it's quite possible things will move faster this time. Which in itself is scary because Savannah was born 24 hours after the first inkling of "Is that what a contraction feels like?" But will it be as easy? Maybe, maybe not. This baby might be bigger than Savannah was(usually the second child is) which could make a natural childbirth a little bit more difficult. I could not go into labor on my own, I might need a c-section, my blood pressure might drop...there is just so much that can happen that we can't predict...and while I would like to think we have time to discuss our "plan" for everything...it really isn't that far away. I will be 28 weeks on Thursday...the baby (according to estimates) is already around 2 - 2.5 pounds and 15 inches...if I go into labor 9 weeks from now, they won't stop me. There's a lot to decide before then...a lot to discuss. A lot to fear, a lot to rejoice.
When we were watching the mother who had lost 3 children (all of that happened to her in 3 years too), Patrick said "How would you decide when to stop trying?"...and that is the name of the game at our house...which I told Pat. It becomes this weight that you try to balance...what if you are successful? What if you're not? What happens emotionally to the house that loses yet another child? It has been such a difficult path...and I certainly know we aren't the only people in the world with a path like this...or worse.
So emotionally I'm kind of a wreck. I'm excited, I'm fearful, I'm scared, I'm sad...12 more weeks...or less. The home stretch. At church yesterday, a tiny baby was baptized...he was just a few months old. Savannah was baptized when she was just over 2 months old. Carl and I have had plans, since before conception of Luke/Ella, to have him/her baptized the first Sunday we aren't in the hospital. I just think this baby is such a gift from God, we're going to immediately give him/her back to God. I know some people think we're crazy, taking a baby that is days old, to church, in the middle of winter...but it is something we feel strongly about. I eagerly await that Sunday where we can announce the birth of our child and dedicate him/her to God...it will be a glorious day for sure.
Every day I am reminded of how many others are worse off than I am...and because of that I keep going, not allowing myself to wallow in pity...but it is hard some days...but I am blessed. For that, I am thankful.
And I still keep being reminded, even if subtly, that I have lost two children since we were blessed with Savannah. At the party we saw several couples that now have two children, or will have two within weeks. We were the first of all of those couples to have a child...so since Savannah's birth they have gotten pregnant and delivered healthy children. I don't mind the timing, I am really happy about the way things are working out. God always knows best. I'm just sad about the two children I didn't meet.
I think the pain of losing two will be with me forever...I had hoped that being pregnant would help...and it has...but last night Carl and I started watching "One Born Every Minute" again...it really is such a truthful and touching show. I love it...even though I cry every time I watch it. Last night we caught up on the first two episodes of the new season...and there was one woman on there that had gone through two miscarriages and a still birth...and she was finally in there to deliver her baby at 36 weeks (which was another eek moment - that's only 8 weeks away for me!). When the baby was finally born she just cried and cried and it was just SO emotional...and I cried right along with her. I cannot imagine what she has been through...even with my own history I can't imagine it.
Our good friend Patrick was at the house, watching the show too (I think he just allows the pregnant one to control the remote out of sweetness.). He isn't a dad yet, and hasn't really been through the hospital routine of it all...which I think allowed Carl to feel kind of special because he could fill Patrick in on all the things that happen...the boring parts and the gross parts too. But I think Patrick was really watching me for signs of breakdown...I'm sure Carl was too, but he knows what to expect.
It also spurred a lot of conversation that I know I need to start thinking about, but I've avoided. Carl and I always marvel at how on the show, the dads are always bored out of their minds waiting for something to happen...hardly can sit still or sleep a lot or eat a lot...and we just laugh because by the time we got to the hospital, Carl barely had time to go to the car to get our bags and get the camera set up before it was time for him to help me push...like he barely had time to call the parents and let them know we were there. He just told them that if they wanted to see me before Savannah arrived, they'd better hurry up. He didn't eat a thing until after Savannah's birth because we got out of bed that morning and sped to the hospital and it all happened SO fast. And so natural. We never had doctors fretting over low heart beats, or less baby activity...it was just so amazingly smooth sailing. Never once was anyone ever panicked...it was just so perfect. I have thought about that day a lot. That was a true gift from God too. I was able to fully enjoy (and yes suffer) through the natural birth of Savannah. So many women want that, and don't get it. We truly did have an amazing birthing experience...so after watching these shows with Patrick, he of course asked all about how things went with Savannah...which of course led to the conversation of, "Do you think that will happen again this time?".
I'd like to say "Yes it will."...but I know every child and pregnancy and birth is unique. I may be one of those with a body built for having babies...but who knows. I do know that it's quite possible things will move faster this time. Which in itself is scary because Savannah was born 24 hours after the first inkling of "Is that what a contraction feels like?" But will it be as easy? Maybe, maybe not. This baby might be bigger than Savannah was(usually the second child is) which could make a natural childbirth a little bit more difficult. I could not go into labor on my own, I might need a c-section, my blood pressure might drop...there is just so much that can happen that we can't predict...and while I would like to think we have time to discuss our "plan" for everything...it really isn't that far away. I will be 28 weeks on Thursday...the baby (according to estimates) is already around 2 - 2.5 pounds and 15 inches...if I go into labor 9 weeks from now, they won't stop me. There's a lot to decide before then...a lot to discuss. A lot to fear, a lot to rejoice.
When we were watching the mother who had lost 3 children (all of that happened to her in 3 years too), Patrick said "How would you decide when to stop trying?"...and that is the name of the game at our house...which I told Pat. It becomes this weight that you try to balance...what if you are successful? What if you're not? What happens emotionally to the house that loses yet another child? It has been such a difficult path...and I certainly know we aren't the only people in the world with a path like this...or worse.
So emotionally I'm kind of a wreck. I'm excited, I'm fearful, I'm scared, I'm sad...12 more weeks...or less. The home stretch. At church yesterday, a tiny baby was baptized...he was just a few months old. Savannah was baptized when she was just over 2 months old. Carl and I have had plans, since before conception of Luke/Ella, to have him/her baptized the first Sunday we aren't in the hospital. I just think this baby is such a gift from God, we're going to immediately give him/her back to God. I know some people think we're crazy, taking a baby that is days old, to church, in the middle of winter...but it is something we feel strongly about. I eagerly await that Sunday where we can announce the birth of our child and dedicate him/her to God...it will be a glorious day for sure.
Every day I am reminded of how many others are worse off than I am...and because of that I keep going, not allowing myself to wallow in pity...but it is hard some days...but I am blessed. For that, I am thankful.
Friday, December 9, 2011
End of 2011...
Today is the last school day of the Fall 2011 semester! Do I feel like running mad up and down the halls yelling, "School's Out!"...well yes, I kind of do. It isn't that I don't like my job, I love it. I love teaching, I love the atmosphere, I love the outreach work. I'm excited because that means in 13 weeks or less, I will be a mom of two! This is just one milestone on the timeline to mommy-hood!
Next week is my last week in the office until January. As I pointed out to Carl, when I return to work I'll be 30.5 weeks pregnant...and will have a hospital bag packed in the car for the "just in case". It is really starting to sink in...we are really having a baby! I enter the 3rd trimester this week - now that is hard to believe! When I started thinking about how long I've already been pregnant (I was pregnant way back when I hosted a baby shower for my good friend in August!)...it is amazing to think that we are finally getting down to the last weeks.
I guess I'm both excited and sad and relieved at the same time about the last 13 (or less) weeks of pregnancy. I'm excited to meet Luke/Ella and find out just if it is Luke or Ella. I'm excited to see Savannah and her sibling. I'm relieved that the worry of miscarriage will be behind me. I'm sad that I may not have another pregnancy (we'll leave that final decision for a few years down the road...). And while I won't complain about being pregnant, I am beginning to feel the restrictions on movement, sitting positions, amount of time I can be active, and just last night I started thinking about THE recovery...the absolute worst part of pregnancy. It is physically just about the worst 5-6 weeks I ever experienced...but at least I will have a baby to hold through it all. I'm a mixed bag of emotions right now...I am so grateful for what I have, and I enjoy it all so much...but I still don't know what I will think about future pregnancies...for now I'm just going to enjoy the anticipation of a new life arriving.
So not only are Carl and I starting to feel the last few weeks weighing on us...so is Savannah. I'd like to think she's just happy as can be about a sibling...but I've started to see little signs that jealousy may rear it's head once Luke/Ella is home. Most specifically, we have had some major bedtime battles recently. She hasn't wanted to go to bed on her own for the past two weeks...she wants rocked to sleep. In the nursery. So Carl and I have started putting her in bed awake, and walking away. When she returns to our room, we just get up and put her back...last night it took 6 trips back to her bed before she stopped coming into our room. After she'd been quiet a while I had Carl check to make sure she was indeed, in bed. Turns out she'd fallen asleep in the nursery, in the rocker.
I have told her that I made her room special for her, and that it's her big girl room. (And remember, she's been out of the nursery since September 2010.) She then told me that she doesn't like her room. I said, "Well can the baby have it?" and she promptly replied "Yes!". And now with her falling asleep in the nursery...I think she is starting to feel some of the anticipation...and maybe isn't ready to give up her status. It's hard to see that, and to think that, but I have to just remind her how much we love her. We need to make sure she feels special and cherished as a big girl too...not just as our baby...it's hard...the transition is already starting to loom and I know we'll have some hiccups along the way...but God will get us through it all.
As a side note, my to-do list that is always so overwhelming is finally calming down...well sort of. My only goal for the next week is to get the last minute presents bought and wrapped. I have finished all of the blankets and the Christmas cards are almost done. I'm just waiting on photos to arrive in the mail (should be today) so I can finish the cards tonight and get them in the mail tomorrow morning. I did make a list for things that need to get done over my break from work...and I think I should be able to get most of it done in time. Savannah will be at preschool two mornings of my time off, so I should have some time to do things...right now I've been freaking out because I don't have a "Take Home from the Hospital" outfit...and since I won't know pink or blue it's hard to pick one. Carl said he could ask around to borrow something from someone at work for the blue and we could take something of Savannah's for the pink...but honestly, that outfit is supposed to be special - a keepsake. So it looks like I'm on the hunt for an adorable general neutral outfit...or really cheap and adorable outfits in pink AND blue...so I'll be ready. :0)
Next week is my last week in the office until January. As I pointed out to Carl, when I return to work I'll be 30.5 weeks pregnant...and will have a hospital bag packed in the car for the "just in case". It is really starting to sink in...we are really having a baby! I enter the 3rd trimester this week - now that is hard to believe! When I started thinking about how long I've already been pregnant (I was pregnant way back when I hosted a baby shower for my good friend in August!)...it is amazing to think that we are finally getting down to the last weeks.
I guess I'm both excited and sad and relieved at the same time about the last 13 (or less) weeks of pregnancy. I'm excited to meet Luke/Ella and find out just if it is Luke or Ella. I'm excited to see Savannah and her sibling. I'm relieved that the worry of miscarriage will be behind me. I'm sad that I may not have another pregnancy (we'll leave that final decision for a few years down the road...). And while I won't complain about being pregnant, I am beginning to feel the restrictions on movement, sitting positions, amount of time I can be active, and just last night I started thinking about THE recovery...the absolute worst part of pregnancy. It is physically just about the worst 5-6 weeks I ever experienced...but at least I will have a baby to hold through it all. I'm a mixed bag of emotions right now...I am so grateful for what I have, and I enjoy it all so much...but I still don't know what I will think about future pregnancies...for now I'm just going to enjoy the anticipation of a new life arriving.
So not only are Carl and I starting to feel the last few weeks weighing on us...so is Savannah. I'd like to think she's just happy as can be about a sibling...but I've started to see little signs that jealousy may rear it's head once Luke/Ella is home. Most specifically, we have had some major bedtime battles recently. She hasn't wanted to go to bed on her own for the past two weeks...she wants rocked to sleep. In the nursery. So Carl and I have started putting her in bed awake, and walking away. When she returns to our room, we just get up and put her back...last night it took 6 trips back to her bed before she stopped coming into our room. After she'd been quiet a while I had Carl check to make sure she was indeed, in bed. Turns out she'd fallen asleep in the nursery, in the rocker.
I have told her that I made her room special for her, and that it's her big girl room. (And remember, she's been out of the nursery since September 2010.) She then told me that she doesn't like her room. I said, "Well can the baby have it?" and she promptly replied "Yes!". And now with her falling asleep in the nursery...I think she is starting to feel some of the anticipation...and maybe isn't ready to give up her status. It's hard to see that, and to think that, but I have to just remind her how much we love her. We need to make sure she feels special and cherished as a big girl too...not just as our baby...it's hard...the transition is already starting to loom and I know we'll have some hiccups along the way...but God will get us through it all.
As a side note, my to-do list that is always so overwhelming is finally calming down...well sort of. My only goal for the next week is to get the last minute presents bought and wrapped. I have finished all of the blankets and the Christmas cards are almost done. I'm just waiting on photos to arrive in the mail (should be today) so I can finish the cards tonight and get them in the mail tomorrow morning. I did make a list for things that need to get done over my break from work...and I think I should be able to get most of it done in time. Savannah will be at preschool two mornings of my time off, so I should have some time to do things...right now I've been freaking out because I don't have a "Take Home from the Hospital" outfit...and since I won't know pink or blue it's hard to pick one. Carl said he could ask around to borrow something from someone at work for the blue and we could take something of Savannah's for the pink...but honestly, that outfit is supposed to be special - a keepsake. So it looks like I'm on the hunt for an adorable general neutral outfit...or really cheap and adorable outfits in pink AND blue...so I'll be ready. :0)
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