I'm starting to think I must have amnesia...or God gives mothers this wonderful gift of forgetfulness in order to ensure women have more than one child. Yesterday was my first Monday of a full week at work since the first week in December. A lot has changed in a month...especially the size of this baby and my belly.
When I got home, all I wanted to do was lie on my side on the couch. I didn't want to stand or sit upright anymore...not one bit. For some reason I don't remember being this uncomfortable at almost 32 weeks when I was pregnant with Savannah. I don't remember worrying that I was going to go into labor at any second. I do vaguely remember doing a lot of walking the last 3 weeks of pregnancy (when it was warm enough for me to walk without a coat). But the last 8-9 weeks?! I don't remember this. I don't remember being this tired, or emotional, or any of the negative.
I don't remember worrying about the delivery either. I think I was too innocent to it all and just thought that things would work out. Now I know better...I know there are lots of risks, for me and the baby. I know labor could arrive suddenly and a baby could be in my arms within minutes or hours of the first sign of it coming on. I keep saying this baby will arrive on February 29th...and yesterday I thought for the first time that although I entirely believe the baby will come that day - he/she could be late. Or not come that day. It's like I've been so set on that date that I truly believe it will be that day...I should just schedule the day off work for myself and everyone else. Now I worry if I'll be upset when it might not happen that way...I've even thought about what day I should schedule my appointment with the doctor that week...should I schedule it the 27th or 28th and ask her to strip my membranes (that totally convinced Savannah to come out - she was born two days later). But I know babies come when they are good and ready...regardless of what I want.
So now I'm uncomfortable much earlier in pregnancy (at least from what memory of pregnancy God has allowed me to retain...) and I'm more worried and emotional. When I was thinking about how hard it is to get Savannah in and out of the bathtub, I was telling someone I was 31 weeks pregnant...and then I thought, no that isn't right, I'm only 30...I even had to check my calendar. I am, indeed, 31 weeks. I will be 32 weeks on Thursday. At 32 weeks a baby is 95% viable...at 34 weeks a baby has the same chances of survivability as a full term baby...so then it hit me. I will be 32 weeks in 2 days.
Then a flood of emotions opens up...and all sorts of thoughts. We'll have a baby in our house soon...Savannah will become a big sister soon...she's been waiting so patiently for this big event. Yesterday I was packing up the camera (after I cleared the memory card and charged the battery) and Savannah wanted to know what I was doing. When I told her I was getting the camera ready for the baby, she then wanted to know if the baby was coming out right then...she is just so excited for it all to happen. I can't wait to see her reaction when Luke/Ella does arrive and she gets to walk into the room and meet her baby...she says that now. It's her baby. I wonder if she'll be super excited, or super shy. I know that she will react somewhat leery when she sees me in a hospital gown in the bed...and it makes me wonder how exactly I plan to handle that day. I don't want our families to find out the gender until they are in the room with me (I have waited this long - I want to see their reactions!)...but I also want Savannah to get to come in and spend time with Carl and I before all the other family comes in. I want her to feel special and included. I want to spend a little time together as a family of four. On the other hand, I don't want Savannah to get scared at seeing me right after a delivery. I want to have a chance to brush my hair and although I'd love a shower first, I know that the doctors wouldn't let me out of bed for 2 hours after Savannah was born...so a shower will be too much to ask before she sees me. I also know that holding off the grandparents long enough for Savannah to get time alone with us is going to be hard enough...I fully intend for my nurses and Carl to be the advocates in that situation...absolutely no visitors until Savannah has been there with us. We won't be making phone calls or posting online or anything else until we have had our time as a family...well, we won't be posting gender information anyway. I'm sure we'll call some close family/friends and let them know that I'm fine and baby is fine. It seems crazy that I have all of this worry when it really shouldn't matter...and there are much more important things to worry about.
Then there's the whole realization that I am 32 weeks...and this baby could decide to come early. As I said before, I'm convinced this baby is coming on February 29th...and I didn't even consider that I would be leaving work before that date. I have the regional science fair on February 11th. This entire pregnancy I have been fully planning to be here on that date...but now that I've felt contractions (some of which I'm convinced were real and others are just practicing for the future) it has hit me that this baby could even be early! The day of the fair I would be 36W 2D...so yesterday I started to panic...what if this baby comes early?! I certainly won't be here for that fair then...and nothing was really "ready" for the fair. No one knew my plan of action, where things were...any of it. So I've done all that I can do for that fair until February 3rd (when applications are due). This fair is by all means much, much easier to handle than the state fair...but I still have it down to a science (pardon the pun).
So the rest of the week I will be mailing out letters for the career fair (April 15th, which I won't be here for more than likely) and creating a plan of action for the state fair. I also handle all the college's catalog changes, which are due February 17th, so I will be begging faculty to get back to me quickly in case I disappear for a few weeks...this really is probably my busiest time at FSU...and also now the most difficult point in pregnancy...but at least I have everything ready at home...bags are packed, room is clean, house is clean, supplies are bought (even the supplies for Savannah's 3rd birthday are bought and stored so I won't have to shop after the baby arrives), and the cameras are ready to roll. I know that my coworkers can handle things if I disappear, but I hate to leave people in a lurch.
SO...besides the worry and stress of delivery, and being gone from work, and all of that...I am becoming so excited to meet this baby! At first it was easy to not know the gender...but as the time nears I'm becoming more and more anxious to find out. It is making the second time more exciting for sure too...while we'd be excited about welcoming a second child, regardless, it is much more exciting to know that every minute I contract and labor will be one more minute closer to finding out this surprise that I've been hiding for so many months! It just adds a touch of something special to it all. I really, really am excited about that moment that the doctor says boy or girl...so excited that I just want to jump up and down (totally can't perform that action probably, but almost excited enough to try)...I just cannot wait. We've been waiting for a second baby since June of 2010...it has been a long road for us and I am SO ready to have a baby in my arms.
So this pregnancy has been different, and rough, and less comfortable, and the heartburn has been ridiculous...and unless God is really good at giving me mother's amnesia again...this is the last time. I flat out told Carl last night that I'm done. Not only because of the pregnancy being uncomfortable, but there are lots of reasons. Three kids are more expensive...being pregnant and going through all those emotions and the ups and downs I have are hard...he barely has time for two kids, let alone three...he has other ambitions in life besides being a dad...and there just isn't room and time for everything. I've always said I wouldn't have three (or more) kids unless I would have the time and money to raise them with the love and interest each deserves...and at this point...two is enough. Maybe God will change my mind, or surprise me with a third. I won't be doing anything drastic to prevent another child (no surgery for me yet anyway)...and I don't plan on even visiting the idea of it until late winter/early spring of 2014.
Not many days left now...
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