It's hard to believe, but we are in the home stretch...nine weeks or less until Luke or Ella arrives for us! My mind and body are going through so much right now...it's been quite the week!
So last Tuesday was supposed to be my first day back to work. The roads weren't the best (due to snowy weather) and on my way down the largest neighborhood hill I lost control and barely missed a sign and light post. Needless to say, the whole way down I was saying, "Oh my, oh my, I'm pregnant!"...and once stopped I just parked my car at the bottom and walked back up the hill to the house. I was in tears and shaken for sure. So then on Wednesday, the weather still wasn't beautiful, but the local county schools were in session on a regular schedule. I packed up my things, got in the car, and headed out. Carl said he'd watch me go down the hill to make sure I got out and then he'd walk back to the house to get ready for work...he probably wished he hadn't watched! I lost control again, only this time I wasn't so lucky and I took out the sign and light post. I was fine...and really didn't feel shaken or scared at all. It's like "been there, done that"...but the car wasn't so lucky. There's $1700 worth of repair to be done...which means filing with insurance and paying the $1000 deductible. We have the money in our emergency savings account...but I just hate being the reason to have an emergency!
Once Carl go the car moved out of the way, we walked back up the hill. I decided I should at least call the doctor and let her know what happened, even though I really thought it was nothing. It turns out that she wanted me monitored for contractions...so off to the hospital we went. We spent 9 hours there...6 of them on monitors. I was having contractions, and at one point they were 5-7 minutes apart and you could see the peaks and valleys...they even started doing a few tests that might help predict an early labor...it was real then. And scary.
Thankfully, everything slowed on its own...and more than likely all of those contractions were due to the anxiety and stress of the day, plus some possible dehydration. When we finally got home Savannah was so excited to see us back...and she said, "My baby come out?". When I told her that it wasn't quite time, she said she wanted to see it, and had to see my belly and see that all was well. (She makes me so happy sometimes!) She seemed to have paid more attention to us talking than I thought too...she kept talking about "Mommy turn, turn, turn..." and she woke up crying for me the next morning and saying "Don't leave me" and cuddling up against me in our bed...so she understands much more than I ever thought.
Since that now infamous day, I have been much less comfortable. I don't know if it's now just the heightened concern for the baby...or if it is just the lasting exhaustion...or if it's just that I'm almost 32 weeks pregnant...but I ache and emotionally I'm a mess. On the physical side, I feel (and am more attuned to) the aches in my belly muscles...the possible Braxton Hicks...and I've been nauseous at night again...I usually don't want dinner, and if I do eat it's cereal...I don't know if the nausea is just hormonal or if it's because my muscles hurt when I sit up that it makes sitting at the table less desirable...but that part stinks. I also am having incredible difficulty sleeping...I never had that problem when I was pregnant with Savannah...but now I can't get comfortable, or I do and I can't sleep...I wake up every morning with stiff hips and knees...even with a body pillow to help hold my belly and my legs. Nights are the worst, but day time is difficult. Really, if I was this pregnant when I started my holiday break I don't know if I would have been able to survive...I can't get Savannah in and out of the bath tub anymore...and helping her with the potty is incredibly difficult...I just can't bend over and reach her pants anymore!
I don't know if Carl fully understands how I feel, and I think he thinks I use pregnancy as an excuse...but that's because last time I never slowed down. A week or two before Savannah was born I was up on chairs taking curtains down to wash them...and shoveling snow...and doing everything normal...I can't imagine doing any of that now! This pregnancy is so different than the first...part of it I'm sure is that I'm more tired in general because I have a 2 1/2 year old at home that is time demanding. I can't just go home from work and sit on the couch and watch TV all night...I have to do a lot...and some of the work I have to do is physically demanding. Sitting for very long at a time isn't comfortable...church was even hard this week...I kept shifting positions...the thought even crossed my mind that maybe I will send Carl and Savannah to church and I could use that hour of quiet to rest...but I really don't want to miss church. I just kept thinking that there's only nine more weeks at most...just nine more.
So physically the last nine weeks are going to be difficult...and emotionally. I think my anxiety is slowly creeping back into my mind...the day after Christmas I told Carl I felt anxious, but I wasn't sure why...and it wasn't anywhere near what I'd felt back in February and March...but it was there. That's the first time since I weaned off Celexa that I felt it at all. And then the accident last week...and the nerves are showing back up. Driving really hasn't been an issue (although I think all of my family was afraid it'd be a fight to get me back in the car)...and I don't feel any worry (except on the way down that hill - and I certainly will be hard pressed to even attempt that in the snow for a long time!). I am starting to feel the emotional worry and fear of delivery. I never did have a fear when Savannah was born...we just said we'd do things as natural as possible, and she ended up coming on her own, making things easy, and the entire process wasn't scary or worrisome...but now I worry. I'm starting to be afraid of the delivery, the complications, what if it doesn't go as well...just all of it. We have no real reason to be concerned, but it's starting to weigh on me. I also keep telling myself that I have time to get things together at work...but we are getting to the point of pregnancy where me being at work the next day isn't guaranteed....I could go into labor 10 minutes from now for all I know!
I know it's early, but when I saw the midwife on Friday she said that it isn't out of the question that I would be allowed to deliver a baby at this point...if the danger to me was significant, and the labor wasn't one that would easy stop....they were seriously consider allowing me to deliver....so nothing is out of the question at this point.
I am prepared for a baby...at home at least. As of last week I had everything ready (except a hospital bag - which is the one thing I might have actually needed on Wednesday!)...but at work...I'm not ready to leave. I have two major science fairs that I fear won't happen if I'm not here...one of them is before the due date, the other is after. I kept telling myself I would have all of January to focus on them...but now I'm starting to worry...who knows what is in the future?!
And the whole idea of a baby and medical procedures...and the health of a baby is scary. What if something is wrong, or something goes wrong? We have been working towards this baby for so long...I know I shouldn't worry...but telling me not to worry is like talking to a wall...totally not happening!
So for now there are my concerns...I'm sure I'll be blogging more as the time nears...
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