It's official. I'm old. I told Savannah that and her response, in dead pan seriousness, was "That's true.".
I've been really kind of weepy about growing older over the past few days. I finally scrapbooked pages for Savannah's 2nd birthday on Saturday morning. When I put those new pages into her scrapbook, I automatically looked through the pages from her first birthday. Carl and I looked like teenagers then, compared to now. The past 18 months have really aged us. We've been through a lot, as well as a busy toddler to chase!
I also have visited with good friends who have younger kiddos. Both are around 12 months old...but I still can't believe the differences in a one year old and a two and half year old. Seeing both little ones makes me extremely happy, but it also has given me a lot of things to reflect on.
When I was pregnant with Savannah, I enjoyed every single second of it. I almost didn't want it to be over when she was born. I loved it! I loved the attention, the belly, the excitement...I loved it all. This time around I do love being pregnant - and I still am going to have the belly, the attention, and the excitement (what is more exciting than finding out boy or girl on the actual birth day?!)...but I am not going to miss it at all. I am so looking forward to the end prize that the pregnancy has just become the way to get to that end goal.
I told Carl (again, teary eyed) that I am so looking forward to celebrating and documenting all of the firsts of a second child...the first smile, first food, first laugh, first steps, all of it. I cannot wait for those moments. And on top of that, I can't wait to see Savannah enjoy all of it with us! She will be there for all of Luke/Ella's big events...I am just so incredibly excited to see my children grow together and love each other and support each other. I know there will be days that they have a completely different lifestyle in mind...but I know there will be moments in their sibling history that will make me one proud mama.
So all of those moments are what all of this waiting is for. I know I have to wait until February/March...I want a healthy baby after all...but I also will be so excited for this pregnancy to be over...not because I don't enjoy it, because I sincerely do love every second...but because of what the end of pregnancy will mean...the beginning of a whole new life...one that I am blessed to watch and culture and enjoy...it is just such a special, special feeling to be a mama.
Again, I still say no #3 in our house...pregnancy hasn't been kind to me over the last 18 months...but maybe when Luke/Ella is 2 1/2 and I'm missing all of those little firsts again...maybe I will change my mind...but for now, we are thrilled and blessed with Savannah, and SO excited to open our arms to Luke/Ella this winter!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
Baby on the Mind
It's official...I'm 20 weeks pregnant! A year ago I was wondering when Carl and I would start trying again, not knowing that our second attempt at a second child would fail again. Now I am halfway to meeting my little Luke or Ella!
We had an ultrasound on Wednesday, and much to the display of several friends and family, Carl and I looked away (even though I said I didn't think I would be able to look away) when the tech measured the lower spine and legs. Now we won't know until late February or early March...unless there is a need for an ultrasound later on. I'm going to be so incredibly ready to meet this little one...we've had 4 ultrasounds in the first 20 weeks...and now I have to wait until he/she arrives before I get to see him/her again! I am comforted by the baby kicks though...I know that I'm growing a little soccer star, one way or another!
Since the beginning of this pregnancy I have said that I think we're going to welcome a son...and then I dreamed of a boy last week...and after the ultrasound I just feel so much more connected to this child...I just feel it in my gut that we're going to have a boy. (I did not see the gender, I just have this intense feeling!) As I drove to work after the ultrasound, it really hit me. I might really be having a boy! I don't know what to do with a boy! I don't know how to raise a boy! So many thoughts flooded my mind...would Savannah play well with a brother? Will I know how to care for a boy? Will I connect as easily to a boy (as I have with Savannah)? Will I force hugs and kisses on a boy that doesn't want them? The whole freaking-out-about-having-a-boy thing makes me think even more that I really am having a boy. Although Carl will say he would like a boy...and while I used to say it'd be nice to have a boy and a girl...now I'm kind of thinking, I know what to do with girls..I'd rather a girl! Then I feel guilty about "wanting" either...I'm just praying for a baby that's healthy!
Last night I went through and packed up Savannah's little sentimental things that were still in the nursery closet...her little Christening cap, her baby books, the photo frame that people signed at the baby shower for her...I packed it all in a tub and labeled it...and moved it to a shelf in our bedroom. I had to make space for the next round of sentimental items. I cleaned up the nursery...made it usable. The bumpers are off the crib (they had been there for decoration) and I took the mobile off the crib...which caused an immense amount of confusion on Carl's part! I think I had him put the mobile on the crib about a month ago, so when I insisted it come off the crib now he was confused. Then I didn't want it just off, but given away or thrown away...and he kept repeating that I just had him put it there a few weeks ago...but I explained that I had been reading my blog from when Savannah was tiny...and I had commented about how much I hated the mobile because it always woke her up (a detail I must have forgotten until I read the blog!). So that is why it had to go...plus I'd been looking at it for a month and it just didn't look right...I don't know...call it crazy pregnancy hormones! So now the double stroller needs to be put together and gotten out of the nursery (it's been there in "storage" for probably almost a year). Clothes need washed...meals need prepared and frozen...diapers need bought...but other than that we are ready (well, at least in the sense of a room being ready...)
Not only have I been more emotional during this pregnancy (there are days that I must look like I've been crying the entire day!) but I have noticed so many differences in the pregnancy itself. I am carrying completely different. I always used to think my belly looked like a basketball when I was pregnant with Savannah...but now I see that I was defintely more of a "watermelon" type belly with Savannah. I totally have a basketball belly now. It's most apparent when I lay on my back...it looks like I just set a ball right on top of my stomach.
While that's cute - it's become more uncomfortable than before. Doctors always tell pregnant women not to sleep on their backs as the uterus grows heavier because it can pinch nerves, etc...well, I still could easily sleep on my back with Savannah...it never woke me up or bothered me. Long gone are those days! I can't even lay on the couch or in bed on my back just to read a book for very long! I get this pain in my back that is only relieved when I turn over...so some of my favorite evening activities (facebooking and reading) are now limited to being able to sit comfortably in a chair. At my ultrasound I was laying on my back for 20-30 minutes while all of Luke/Ella's little parts were measured...and I hurt then! I also have a lot of the round ligament pain. If I get up too fast, or roll over in bed, or just move unexpectedly I have a sharp pain for a second or two...all due to the weight of this baby and how he or she is sitting.
And yet another difference: the belly size. I think the size difference is really more noticeable because I'm carrying differently...not only do I have a little basketball, but this baby is much lower. Savannah used to be all up in my ribs and lungs...I always felt so out of breath! This baby...nope...he/she wants me to breathe, but also wants to make sure I take several trips to the bathroom! Everything is so much lower...I feel most of the movement at my belly button or lower...it is just crazy how different it is! I measure my belly once a week for the pregnancy scrapbook (just as I did with Savannah) and at 24 weeks with Savannah I was close to 40 inches....well, I'm 20 weeks and already at 40 inches!
So this whole carrying differently thing is interesting to say the least...for the most part I was able to paint my toes up until the very end of pregnancy with Savannah...but again, she was higher up and more stretched across my belly...well, I'm already having trouble shaving in the shower, and really, there's no way my toes are getting painted by me anymore. Which is a total bummer! For an idea of how hard those simple things have become, just get a basketball, sit on the floor, place the ball right against your stomach when you bend at the hips...and then try reaching your toes in any kind of elegant fashion! Again, it's not that my belly is giant...just..cumbersome.
So not only is sleep becoming more difficult (I don't ever remember it this tiring when I was pregnant with Savannah!) due to the lack of sleep on my back...but that means I have to turn over often. Now picture this...you are sleeping on your left side, and want to turn over to sleep on your right side...the easiest way to turn over is with your belly down (or at least that is how I have turned over for all of my life!). Well, now picture laying on your left with a basketball against your stomach again...and try to turn over with that basketball staying right against your stomach...you have turn over with your belly up, or you have to sit up, clear your stomach of the bed, and lay down again. The whole turning the other direction wakes me up because it isn't natural...and the whole sitting up to turn over wakes me up too...and then I have to pee because this baby sits so low!
Didn't I just say, "I'm already 20 weeks, I'm halfway there!"...at midnight when I can't sleep I'm saying, "I'm only 20 weeks, I'm only halfway there?"...
Don't get me wrong...I love this. I love each and every moment of it. I love the kicks to my hand, the little baby squirming that starts the instant I drink hot cocoa (a new craving), I love the pregnancy, and I love the fact that I will be a mom times two soon...but that still doesn't mean it's glamorous. I'm not complaining...I'm just sharing each and every little moment...because this could be the last time I'm pregnant...and I don't want these details to fade away (like the hatred of the mobile did).
We had an ultrasound on Wednesday, and much to the display of several friends and family, Carl and I looked away (even though I said I didn't think I would be able to look away) when the tech measured the lower spine and legs. Now we won't know until late February or early March...unless there is a need for an ultrasound later on. I'm going to be so incredibly ready to meet this little one...we've had 4 ultrasounds in the first 20 weeks...and now I have to wait until he/she arrives before I get to see him/her again! I am comforted by the baby kicks though...I know that I'm growing a little soccer star, one way or another!
Since the beginning of this pregnancy I have said that I think we're going to welcome a son...and then I dreamed of a boy last week...and after the ultrasound I just feel so much more connected to this child...I just feel it in my gut that we're going to have a boy. (I did not see the gender, I just have this intense feeling!) As I drove to work after the ultrasound, it really hit me. I might really be having a boy! I don't know what to do with a boy! I don't know how to raise a boy! So many thoughts flooded my mind...would Savannah play well with a brother? Will I know how to care for a boy? Will I connect as easily to a boy (as I have with Savannah)? Will I force hugs and kisses on a boy that doesn't want them? The whole freaking-out-about-having-a-boy thing makes me think even more that I really am having a boy. Although Carl will say he would like a boy...and while I used to say it'd be nice to have a boy and a girl...now I'm kind of thinking, I know what to do with girls..I'd rather a girl! Then I feel guilty about "wanting" either...I'm just praying for a baby that's healthy!
Last night I went through and packed up Savannah's little sentimental things that were still in the nursery closet...her little Christening cap, her baby books, the photo frame that people signed at the baby shower for her...I packed it all in a tub and labeled it...and moved it to a shelf in our bedroom. I had to make space for the next round of sentimental items. I cleaned up the nursery...made it usable. The bumpers are off the crib (they had been there for decoration) and I took the mobile off the crib...which caused an immense amount of confusion on Carl's part! I think I had him put the mobile on the crib about a month ago, so when I insisted it come off the crib now he was confused. Then I didn't want it just off, but given away or thrown away...and he kept repeating that I just had him put it there a few weeks ago...but I explained that I had been reading my blog from when Savannah was tiny...and I had commented about how much I hated the mobile because it always woke her up (a detail I must have forgotten until I read the blog!). So that is why it had to go...plus I'd been looking at it for a month and it just didn't look right...I don't know...call it crazy pregnancy hormones! So now the double stroller needs to be put together and gotten out of the nursery (it's been there in "storage" for probably almost a year). Clothes need washed...meals need prepared and frozen...diapers need bought...but other than that we are ready (well, at least in the sense of a room being ready...)
Not only have I been more emotional during this pregnancy (there are days that I must look like I've been crying the entire day!) but I have noticed so many differences in the pregnancy itself. I am carrying completely different. I always used to think my belly looked like a basketball when I was pregnant with Savannah...but now I see that I was defintely more of a "watermelon" type belly with Savannah. I totally have a basketball belly now. It's most apparent when I lay on my back...it looks like I just set a ball right on top of my stomach.
While that's cute - it's become more uncomfortable than before. Doctors always tell pregnant women not to sleep on their backs as the uterus grows heavier because it can pinch nerves, etc...well, I still could easily sleep on my back with Savannah...it never woke me up or bothered me. Long gone are those days! I can't even lay on the couch or in bed on my back just to read a book for very long! I get this pain in my back that is only relieved when I turn over...so some of my favorite evening activities (facebooking and reading) are now limited to being able to sit comfortably in a chair. At my ultrasound I was laying on my back for 20-30 minutes while all of Luke/Ella's little parts were measured...and I hurt then! I also have a lot of the round ligament pain. If I get up too fast, or roll over in bed, or just move unexpectedly I have a sharp pain for a second or two...all due to the weight of this baby and how he or she is sitting.
And yet another difference: the belly size. I think the size difference is really more noticeable because I'm carrying differently...not only do I have a little basketball, but this baby is much lower. Savannah used to be all up in my ribs and lungs...I always felt so out of breath! This baby...nope...he/she wants me to breathe, but also wants to make sure I take several trips to the bathroom! Everything is so much lower...I feel most of the movement at my belly button or lower...it is just crazy how different it is! I measure my belly once a week for the pregnancy scrapbook (just as I did with Savannah) and at 24 weeks with Savannah I was close to 40 inches....well, I'm 20 weeks and already at 40 inches!
So this whole carrying differently thing is interesting to say the least...for the most part I was able to paint my toes up until the very end of pregnancy with Savannah...but again, she was higher up and more stretched across my belly...well, I'm already having trouble shaving in the shower, and really, there's no way my toes are getting painted by me anymore. Which is a total bummer! For an idea of how hard those simple things have become, just get a basketball, sit on the floor, place the ball right against your stomach when you bend at the hips...and then try reaching your toes in any kind of elegant fashion! Again, it's not that my belly is giant...just..cumbersome.
So not only is sleep becoming more difficult (I don't ever remember it this tiring when I was pregnant with Savannah!) due to the lack of sleep on my back...but that means I have to turn over often. Now picture this...you are sleeping on your left side, and want to turn over to sleep on your right side...the easiest way to turn over is with your belly down (or at least that is how I have turned over for all of my life!). Well, now picture laying on your left with a basketball against your stomach again...and try to turn over with that basketball staying right against your stomach...you have turn over with your belly up, or you have to sit up, clear your stomach of the bed, and lay down again. The whole turning the other direction wakes me up because it isn't natural...and the whole sitting up to turn over wakes me up too...and then I have to pee because this baby sits so low!
Didn't I just say, "I'm already 20 weeks, I'm halfway there!"...at midnight when I can't sleep I'm saying, "I'm only 20 weeks, I'm only halfway there?"...
Don't get me wrong...I love this. I love each and every moment of it. I love the kicks to my hand, the little baby squirming that starts the instant I drink hot cocoa (a new craving), I love the pregnancy, and I love the fact that I will be a mom times two soon...but that still doesn't mean it's glamorous. I'm not complaining...I'm just sharing each and every little moment...because this could be the last time I'm pregnant...and I don't want these details to fade away (like the hatred of the mobile did).
Friday, October 14, 2011
Baby Dreams
So I have dreamed about Baby Poland twice in the past week. Monday night I dreamed of a naked baby, chubby and adorable - like a cherub. There were sparkling eyes and chubby cheeks...I remember trying to figure out if it was Luke or Ella...but I woke up without knowing. It was just a short dream, maybe 2 minutes. I could just see Baby Poland sitting there, smiling, in this glowing light. That is all I remember.
Last night I had a much more vivid, although strange, dream. Carl and I were traveling to Iran (I know - completely strange!) and I was VERY pregnant, due any day. When we got there I just fell into bed asleep. The next thing I remember is Carl waking me up and saying, "Michelle, you delivered the baby in your sleep! You didn't wake up at all!" I was confused and couldn't believe it, but there he was, holding our baby. He'd called for a nurse, who came to see if I was okay, and she determined I needed to go to the hospital, and I remember at that point that it was painful. Then my grandfather from Ohio and my coworker who recently lost her husband came in. They were so excited to hear that our baby was born. It is then that I learned the gender...Carl told my grandfather that it was Luke and my grandfather raised him up to hold him. He had a ton of hair! Then I woke up.
So strange...so very, very strange. I'm not sure where all those details emerged from...I know I told Carl before bed that I'd taken 3 quizzes yesterday on the baby's gender (the silly ones online) and all three said boy. And around midnight I woke up and Carl was still up watching TV...and my mouth was so dry because I'd been sleeping with my mouth open because I have a cold and can't breathe through my nose...and I told him I was thirsty...so he went and got me a can of Cherry Coke...which I drank in 5 minutes...and then I told him I was still thirsty...so he went and got me a can of Sierra Mist...which I then drank again in 5 minutes...then I went right back to sleep...and didn't wake up until my alarm went off...so after drinking all that fluid, I didn't even wake up for 6 hours to go to the bathroom...which is also really strange for a pregnant lady! It was during those 6 hours that I dreamed of Baby Poland.
Anyway...now Carl really is convinced it's a boy. We shall see in February/March! :0)
Last night I had a much more vivid, although strange, dream. Carl and I were traveling to Iran (I know - completely strange!) and I was VERY pregnant, due any day. When we got there I just fell into bed asleep. The next thing I remember is Carl waking me up and saying, "Michelle, you delivered the baby in your sleep! You didn't wake up at all!" I was confused and couldn't believe it, but there he was, holding our baby. He'd called for a nurse, who came to see if I was okay, and she determined I needed to go to the hospital, and I remember at that point that it was painful. Then my grandfather from Ohio and my coworker who recently lost her husband came in. They were so excited to hear that our baby was born. It is then that I learned the gender...Carl told my grandfather that it was Luke and my grandfather raised him up to hold him. He had a ton of hair! Then I woke up.
So strange...so very, very strange. I'm not sure where all those details emerged from...I know I told Carl before bed that I'd taken 3 quizzes yesterday on the baby's gender (the silly ones online) and all three said boy. And around midnight I woke up and Carl was still up watching TV...and my mouth was so dry because I'd been sleeping with my mouth open because I have a cold and can't breathe through my nose...and I told him I was thirsty...so he went and got me a can of Cherry Coke...which I drank in 5 minutes...and then I told him I was still thirsty...so he went and got me a can of Sierra Mist...which I then drank again in 5 minutes...then I went right back to sleep...and didn't wake up until my alarm went off...so after drinking all that fluid, I didn't even wake up for 6 hours to go to the bathroom...which is also really strange for a pregnant lady! It was during those 6 hours that I dreamed of Baby Poland.
Anyway...now Carl really is convinced it's a boy. We shall see in February/March! :0)
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Growth and Change
I think I'd like to believe that the miscarriage pain and change and hurt is gone...but I don't think it is. I think parts of that year of horror will stay with me for the rest of my life. I also think it has changed me, in many ways.
I appreciate this pregnancy much, much more than I ever appreciated the pregnancy with Savannah. I don't love this child any more or less than Savannah, but I have been reminding myself daily to enjoy the little moments of it all.
I also think I will be one of the "nervous first-time mom" types with this second child. We were so relaxed with Savannah because we were so confident that things always work out...well now we know that things don't always go the way you want or plan...so I have a feeling we will be more cautious and nervous the second time around...I will fret over the little things that I just brushed off with Savannah.
Not only has my parenting style been changed...but I think my priorities in life in general have changed immensely. I hate to say that my experiences have changed me a lot...but it has shaped my ideas about a lot of things - like Hope. Making the decision to find her a new home was a difficult one...one that included many, many tears...and there still are tears...but I know I did the best for my family, for Hope, and for everyone involved. It was tough to do, letting go of something you love...but I had to really look at the dynamics of our household...and think about what they would be like this spring, with a second child involved. I think that is when the decision became final for me...I value my children so VERY much...more than anything in this world...and to think about a house of arguing parents (Carl crated Hope more than I'd like, which always ended in a squabble between the two of us.) with two small children broke my heart...I have worked SO VERY HARD to get to this point...to have two children...I don't want to miss a moment with either child or to have a house of unhappiness...and so, unfortunately that meant a new home for Hope. I realize that Carl and I will still disagree on things...but that was just one of many factors...I guess I've become jaded about things...I don't know...I appreciate the lives God granted us much more than ever before.
While pets are family, they still aren't my children...so I had to make a decision for our household...and when the decision was made, I made a responsible choice in a new home for Hope...which I'd like to add sounds like much more fun and love for Hope than our house ever did!
I know that everyone doesn't agree with me...and that's okay. I just hope others can see our reasons and know we made the best choice for our own household and for Hope.
I appreciate this pregnancy much, much more than I ever appreciated the pregnancy with Savannah. I don't love this child any more or less than Savannah, but I have been reminding myself daily to enjoy the little moments of it all.
I also think I will be one of the "nervous first-time mom" types with this second child. We were so relaxed with Savannah because we were so confident that things always work out...well now we know that things don't always go the way you want or plan...so I have a feeling we will be more cautious and nervous the second time around...I will fret over the little things that I just brushed off with Savannah.
Not only has my parenting style been changed...but I think my priorities in life in general have changed immensely. I hate to say that my experiences have changed me a lot...but it has shaped my ideas about a lot of things - like Hope. Making the decision to find her a new home was a difficult one...one that included many, many tears...and there still are tears...but I know I did the best for my family, for Hope, and for everyone involved. It was tough to do, letting go of something you love...but I had to really look at the dynamics of our household...and think about what they would be like this spring, with a second child involved. I think that is when the decision became final for me...I value my children so VERY much...more than anything in this world...and to think about a house of arguing parents (Carl crated Hope more than I'd like, which always ended in a squabble between the two of us.) with two small children broke my heart...I have worked SO VERY HARD to get to this point...to have two children...I don't want to miss a moment with either child or to have a house of unhappiness...and so, unfortunately that meant a new home for Hope. I realize that Carl and I will still disagree on things...but that was just one of many factors...I guess I've become jaded about things...I don't know...I appreciate the lives God granted us much more than ever before.
While pets are family, they still aren't my children...so I had to make a decision for our household...and when the decision was made, I made a responsible choice in a new home for Hope...which I'd like to add sounds like much more fun and love for Hope than our house ever did!
I know that everyone doesn't agree with me...and that's okay. I just hope others can see our reasons and know we made the best choice for our own household and for Hope.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
So Tired.
I am exhausted this morning...emotionally drained. I fell asleep somewhere around 10:30pm and woke up around 3:30am when Savannah cried for me...and then I woke up every hour until 6:45 with a toddler poking me in the ribs. Even with all the space issues in bed (and it's only going to get worse as I begin to take more space), I love having her next to me.
I'm emotionally drained because Carl and I fought before bedtime...about a lot of pent up things that have been bothering us both. It started when we were on our way home last night from grocery shopping. His mom needed help moving and cleaning...and our lawn has needed mowed for weeks...and every time it doesn't rain we're busy...so last night it didn't rain and he wanted to help his mother...so I told him we should get things done at our house and then he could go Thursday night to help her...and I thought that was the plan. Then at 8:25 when it's time to get Savannah into bed, Carl says "I think it's best that I go help my mom tonight."...at 8:30pm! Which would leave me, yet again, to put Savannah to bed alone. While I know it isn't a lot of work, and really I don't mind it, it bothers me because Savannah realizes it. She asks where he is...she knows he's not there with her...and I'm left to explain it. Of course, I try to explain it in a positive light, when I'm fuming inside.
So in the end he didn't go last night, but I was still upset. I was upset because Savannah and I didn't see Carl pretty much the entire weekend. He worked late Friday night, leaving Savannah and I stuck at my parents without a car so my mom had to take us home after 9:00pm...then Saturday he volunteered for the church from 3:00pm until 1:00am...and then Sunday he was gone 7:30am until 7:45pm helping his mother move...leaving me to put Savannah in bed 3 times, alone. He was around on Monday to help with bedtime, and of course Tuesday was Bible Study so Grandma had bedtime duty...so when he wanted to miss yet another bedtime, I had just had it.
He took my anger as being an "unsupportive wife"...he was incredibly busy with work, his mom was up against a deadline, and I wasn't being helpful. So from his side, I understand...work is demanding, but it pays our bills. I get it. I just wish I had some advance notice of him working until 9:00pm so I'd know not to go to my parents without a car. He said he didn't know he'd be late...so all I have to say to that is, that I obviously didn't either, so he can't be annoyed with me being annoyed...neither one of us knew it was going to happen!
I fully support him volunteering with the church. I just asked him to move my vacuum between floors of the house before he left. (I usually have one for every floor...but unfortunately for me, his mom has one of mine right now...) So I mopped and cleaned and Savannah and I made an apple pie and I didn't complain. It was a fun evening for Savannah and I.
Sunday is where my annoyance grew. He was gone all day...and I realize his mother is moving...and I'm supportive of that...but I practically had to drag him away from her moving day in order to attend a viewing for my dear friend's husband. Then, I had to attend and manage the church fellowship meal which we always do together, but I was alone. He complained when I insisted he come home to help with Savannah's bedtime...but by that time I was exhausted. Savannah's behavior shows negative sides when he is gone so much...and she has this habit of using me as a jungle gym. I usually can handle it, but now that my belly is growing, it actually hurts when she climbs all over me...and she doesn't understand why I won't let her...which just adds to the grouchy-ness. When no one else is home to be a jungle gym for her, it becomes really, really tiring.
So again, he thought I was unsupportive of him helping his mom move...and while I fully understand that she has a deadline and has to be out of the house...I also disagree with some things. We asked when we returned from Seattle (two weeks ago) about helping on the weekend of the 17th/18th...but she said she had plans...so because she put things off, we're the ones putting our plans aside to help her. Carl just says "well the past is the past, and she has a deadline now"...but there is always a deadline for something! I don't know...I guess I just commit to the school of thought that when you are asking someone for their help, you take it when they offer it...not when it's convenient for you. He said I could have been supportive on the day of the move and done something. I again reminded him that I can't lift things - I am pregnant! So he said I could have brought pizza over...well, I was free at 10am, but pizza places aren't open then! At lunch time I was rushing from church to pick him up so we could attend a viewing in Fairmont...and at dinner time I was busy running the fellowship dinner! So I don't know what planet he was living on, but that wasn't really a realistic expectation at all!
So pretty much an all out shouting war erupted at 9:45 last night...I was upset, hurt, felt like the bottom of the priority list...and Carl was telling me I'm unsupportive and I always have to be right. I know that I like to be right, but I also know that if I don't fight for time with him, Savannah and I will be home alone a lot.
He was asking me to be on his "team" and we're a "team", but his definition of "team" is to support him in what stresses and ails him. So while I'm supposed to be supportive of him during stressful times at work and through this move, he is allowed to just ignore some major things going on in my life. Friday was one of the absolute most stressful days at work for me...so when I was annoyed about him working late, I had already had a pretty stressful and tiring day. I also am growing a person here! It isn't like that doesn't take any energy! I maintained the house, kept everyone fed, paid our bills and everything all week while I was stressed to the max at work (some days I didn't even have time for breakfast or lunch!).
Really, after some minutes of arguing I burst into sobs...and my underlying emotions came through. Not only was I incredibly busy last week, but my good friend at work had to face the death of her husband. Death has always been touchy for me...but after losing two children it's been even harder on me. So while being busy kind of kept my fears and worries at bay, this week has been much slower, and everything has bubbled up to the surface. I'm off Celexa now...I took my last dose last night...so in the midst of losing a friend and being stressed to the max, I also was weaning off the one thing that kept me going emotionally.
So on Sunday when I had to attend a viewing for a friend's husband, and face the reality of death and loss...I had to do so with Carl absent...sure he was at the viewing, but those emotions don't just exist at the viewing...it was a hard day for me to face...and my support of Celexa was almost out of my system, I am already emotional because I'm pregnant...and the one thing I had as support before Celexa wasn't there. During the ordeal with the second miscarriage, being with Carl and him holding me was the only thing to keep me from panicking...he was my rock...and so when I'm faced with a really tough situation, without my Celexa...my other rock is missing, and had been for two days prior due to other commitments. So of course I was angry and disappointed that when I needed him most, when I was facing the death of someone's husband, I was alone without mine...who is my rock.
And where was he? With his mother. I realize this isn't her fault, that she has to move this week and she closes on her house tomorrow...but I also think that if Carl is going to ask me to be supportive and on his "team" and understand she needs him...he also needs to ask the same of her. I hate to be the one to come between him and his mom, and that's not what I'm trying to do...I just wish he would realize that while I look fine on the outside, my emotions are wrecking havoc inside...and I need him too. I hate to feel like he is being stretched in a million different ways...and that is something he is going to have to manage. I wish I could just not care if he was helping a million other people instead of me...but I am his wife after all...I'd like to feel like I come first at some point...and Savannah...she notices it all. It was a perfect storm of work stress, family stress, and emotional stress all rolled into one weekend.
So last night I sobbed...and sobbed...and at one point Carl thought he was going to have to put me in the car and take me to the hospital. I was so upset that my breathing was labored and he kept telling me to breathe deep for the baby...I eventually did calm down...but it is sad that it took that much for him to realize I'm not perfect and strong and able to just keeping on going without him.
(Baby is fine - kicking up a storm this morning.)
I'm emotionally drained because Carl and I fought before bedtime...about a lot of pent up things that have been bothering us both. It started when we were on our way home last night from grocery shopping. His mom needed help moving and cleaning...and our lawn has needed mowed for weeks...and every time it doesn't rain we're busy...so last night it didn't rain and he wanted to help his mother...so I told him we should get things done at our house and then he could go Thursday night to help her...and I thought that was the plan. Then at 8:25 when it's time to get Savannah into bed, Carl says "I think it's best that I go help my mom tonight."...at 8:30pm! Which would leave me, yet again, to put Savannah to bed alone. While I know it isn't a lot of work, and really I don't mind it, it bothers me because Savannah realizes it. She asks where he is...she knows he's not there with her...and I'm left to explain it. Of course, I try to explain it in a positive light, when I'm fuming inside.
So in the end he didn't go last night, but I was still upset. I was upset because Savannah and I didn't see Carl pretty much the entire weekend. He worked late Friday night, leaving Savannah and I stuck at my parents without a car so my mom had to take us home after 9:00pm...then Saturday he volunteered for the church from 3:00pm until 1:00am...and then Sunday he was gone 7:30am until 7:45pm helping his mother move...leaving me to put Savannah in bed 3 times, alone. He was around on Monday to help with bedtime, and of course Tuesday was Bible Study so Grandma had bedtime duty...so when he wanted to miss yet another bedtime, I had just had it.
He took my anger as being an "unsupportive wife"...he was incredibly busy with work, his mom was up against a deadline, and I wasn't being helpful. So from his side, I understand...work is demanding, but it pays our bills. I get it. I just wish I had some advance notice of him working until 9:00pm so I'd know not to go to my parents without a car. He said he didn't know he'd be late...so all I have to say to that is, that I obviously didn't either, so he can't be annoyed with me being annoyed...neither one of us knew it was going to happen!
I fully support him volunteering with the church. I just asked him to move my vacuum between floors of the house before he left. (I usually have one for every floor...but unfortunately for me, his mom has one of mine right now...) So I mopped and cleaned and Savannah and I made an apple pie and I didn't complain. It was a fun evening for Savannah and I.
Sunday is where my annoyance grew. He was gone all day...and I realize his mother is moving...and I'm supportive of that...but I practically had to drag him away from her moving day in order to attend a viewing for my dear friend's husband. Then, I had to attend and manage the church fellowship meal which we always do together, but I was alone. He complained when I insisted he come home to help with Savannah's bedtime...but by that time I was exhausted. Savannah's behavior shows negative sides when he is gone so much...and she has this habit of using me as a jungle gym. I usually can handle it, but now that my belly is growing, it actually hurts when she climbs all over me...and she doesn't understand why I won't let her...which just adds to the grouchy-ness. When no one else is home to be a jungle gym for her, it becomes really, really tiring.
So again, he thought I was unsupportive of him helping his mom move...and while I fully understand that she has a deadline and has to be out of the house...I also disagree with some things. We asked when we returned from Seattle (two weeks ago) about helping on the weekend of the 17th/18th...but she said she had plans...so because she put things off, we're the ones putting our plans aside to help her. Carl just says "well the past is the past, and she has a deadline now"...but there is always a deadline for something! I don't know...I guess I just commit to the school of thought that when you are asking someone for their help, you take it when they offer it...not when it's convenient for you. He said I could have been supportive on the day of the move and done something. I again reminded him that I can't lift things - I am pregnant! So he said I could have brought pizza over...well, I was free at 10am, but pizza places aren't open then! At lunch time I was rushing from church to pick him up so we could attend a viewing in Fairmont...and at dinner time I was busy running the fellowship dinner! So I don't know what planet he was living on, but that wasn't really a realistic expectation at all!
So pretty much an all out shouting war erupted at 9:45 last night...I was upset, hurt, felt like the bottom of the priority list...and Carl was telling me I'm unsupportive and I always have to be right. I know that I like to be right, but I also know that if I don't fight for time with him, Savannah and I will be home alone a lot.
He was asking me to be on his "team" and we're a "team", but his definition of "team" is to support him in what stresses and ails him. So while I'm supposed to be supportive of him during stressful times at work and through this move, he is allowed to just ignore some major things going on in my life. Friday was one of the absolute most stressful days at work for me...so when I was annoyed about him working late, I had already had a pretty stressful and tiring day. I also am growing a person here! It isn't like that doesn't take any energy! I maintained the house, kept everyone fed, paid our bills and everything all week while I was stressed to the max at work (some days I didn't even have time for breakfast or lunch!).
Really, after some minutes of arguing I burst into sobs...and my underlying emotions came through. Not only was I incredibly busy last week, but my good friend at work had to face the death of her husband. Death has always been touchy for me...but after losing two children it's been even harder on me. So while being busy kind of kept my fears and worries at bay, this week has been much slower, and everything has bubbled up to the surface. I'm off Celexa now...I took my last dose last night...so in the midst of losing a friend and being stressed to the max, I also was weaning off the one thing that kept me going emotionally.
So on Sunday when I had to attend a viewing for a friend's husband, and face the reality of death and loss...I had to do so with Carl absent...sure he was at the viewing, but those emotions don't just exist at the viewing...it was a hard day for me to face...and my support of Celexa was almost out of my system, I am already emotional because I'm pregnant...and the one thing I had as support before Celexa wasn't there. During the ordeal with the second miscarriage, being with Carl and him holding me was the only thing to keep me from panicking...he was my rock...and so when I'm faced with a really tough situation, without my Celexa...my other rock is missing, and had been for two days prior due to other commitments. So of course I was angry and disappointed that when I needed him most, when I was facing the death of someone's husband, I was alone without mine...who is my rock.
And where was he? With his mother. I realize this isn't her fault, that she has to move this week and she closes on her house tomorrow...but I also think that if Carl is going to ask me to be supportive and on his "team" and understand she needs him...he also needs to ask the same of her. I hate to be the one to come between him and his mom, and that's not what I'm trying to do...I just wish he would realize that while I look fine on the outside, my emotions are wrecking havoc inside...and I need him too. I hate to feel like he is being stretched in a million different ways...and that is something he is going to have to manage. I wish I could just not care if he was helping a million other people instead of me...but I am his wife after all...I'd like to feel like I come first at some point...and Savannah...she notices it all. It was a perfect storm of work stress, family stress, and emotional stress all rolled into one weekend.
So last night I sobbed...and sobbed...and at one point Carl thought he was going to have to put me in the car and take me to the hospital. I was so upset that my breathing was labored and he kept telling me to breathe deep for the baby...I eventually did calm down...but it is sad that it took that much for him to realize I'm not perfect and strong and able to just keeping on going without him.
(Baby is fine - kicking up a storm this morning.)
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
100! Already?!...And Gender Issues
As I began writing this post I noticed in the sidebar that this is my 100th post...don't I get some sort of big party or news story? I know all kinds of TV shows certainly celebrate making 100 episodes!
Anywho...this week has truly been a gift from God when it comes to Baby #2. I have been delighted to feel so many kicks and rolls from this little one. Carl was even able to feel quite a few last night as we were watching our favorite shows on Tivo. I'm excited for a time to come up that the baby is really active and Savannah is around. I can't wait to see her reaction to my belly kicking her!
I was reminded this morning of just how truly blessed I am. A good friend of mine is also pregnant, and she sent me a message about a scare at an appointment. She is 12 weeks...took her first son with her to the appointment...but then the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. All turned out fine, an ultrasound revealed a perfectly healthy baby...just being stubborn and laying in a difficult position to hear a heartbeat with a Doppler. Her story reminded me of a time when I was 11 weeks pregnant...Savannah was with us as the doctor's office...and they couldn't find a heartbeat...it was the start of a truly very difficult 6 weeks - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am so very blessed to be feeling this little baby moving inside me, and to be 17 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I am almost half way there...it is such a completely amazing feeling.
I know that I will love this child just as much as I love Savannah...no more, no less. But I also think that I appreciate this pregnancy much more than I did when I was pregnant with Savannah. I have felt the loss of two pregnancies and know that each child is a true gift. I'm not guaranteed healthy children - no one is. I'm not promised to have life work out according to my plan. I also have been thinking that this may be my last pregnancy...I adore children...but pregnancy and the ups and downs of it all are hard to stay strong through. If I hadn't experienced so much trouble in the past, it might be easy for me to be eager for a third child...but for now, this could be my last pregnancy. And knowing that has really made me love every second of it. I take pride in my belly (and wish it would grow bigger soon!), I am thrilled to pieces about all the kicks and jabs, I will welcome the pounds when they start to add on...and I will most definitely show off a pregnant belly in a bikini at a pool! I haven't (and won't) complain about the liters of blood it seems like I "donate" every time I visit the doctor's office. I will drink the glucose test orange "syrup" with pride...I love this feeling, but know it could be the last time...it is truly an experience that I wish every woman could have. I think after the miscarriages I kept thinking I wanted to experience pregnancy one more time...that I wasn't done enjoying the giver of life...and it pained me to think of the women unable to bear children...it is such an amazing gift...and I kind of feel sorry for men (almost!).
As the pregnancy begins to lengthen, I have been asked about when we will find out the gender...I think in the past three days I've been asked about 10 times! The plan is to not find out...we technically could on October 19th...but I've always wanted a surprise baby. There are of course benefits to knowing...like Savannah would stop telling me I'm having Luke AND Ella...and we could buy boy clothes if need be...and I could make sure the nursery was in the right color scheme...and the baby anticipation celebration could be themed with colors too...but really, does any of that matter? Not to us! A word of caution though...we do not plan to find out (I have said this a million times too!), BUT, I also will not look away from an ultrasound. I have been fighting so hard over the last 2 years to successfully carry a child...and there is nothing that will stop me from watching every second of an ultrasound. Especially since this very well may be the last time we get to see Baby #2 until he/she is born. I will have my eyes glued to the little miracle growing inside...and if this baby wants to declare, "I'm Luke" or "I'm Ella"...well then so be it. If that does happen, Carl and I may still keep the secret from everyone else...who knows. All I know is that we don't intend to go into the ultrasound looking for the answer of gender...we just go looking for a healthy baby...if we find out, well then Luke or Ella and God want us to know.
So...check back 3 weeks from today to see what happened...either way, you can be sure that as long as I hear a heartbeat and see a growing baby, I'll be thrilled!!!
Anywho...this week has truly been a gift from God when it comes to Baby #2. I have been delighted to feel so many kicks and rolls from this little one. Carl was even able to feel quite a few last night as we were watching our favorite shows on Tivo. I'm excited for a time to come up that the baby is really active and Savannah is around. I can't wait to see her reaction to my belly kicking her!
I was reminded this morning of just how truly blessed I am. A good friend of mine is also pregnant, and she sent me a message about a scare at an appointment. She is 12 weeks...took her first son with her to the appointment...but then the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. All turned out fine, an ultrasound revealed a perfectly healthy baby...just being stubborn and laying in a difficult position to hear a heartbeat with a Doppler. Her story reminded me of a time when I was 11 weeks pregnant...Savannah was with us as the doctor's office...and they couldn't find a heartbeat...it was the start of a truly very difficult 6 weeks - physically, mentally, and emotionally. I am so very blessed to be feeling this little baby moving inside me, and to be 17 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I am almost half way there...it is such a completely amazing feeling.
I know that I will love this child just as much as I love Savannah...no more, no less. But I also think that I appreciate this pregnancy much more than I did when I was pregnant with Savannah. I have felt the loss of two pregnancies and know that each child is a true gift. I'm not guaranteed healthy children - no one is. I'm not promised to have life work out according to my plan. I also have been thinking that this may be my last pregnancy...I adore children...but pregnancy and the ups and downs of it all are hard to stay strong through. If I hadn't experienced so much trouble in the past, it might be easy for me to be eager for a third child...but for now, this could be my last pregnancy. And knowing that has really made me love every second of it. I take pride in my belly (and wish it would grow bigger soon!), I am thrilled to pieces about all the kicks and jabs, I will welcome the pounds when they start to add on...and I will most definitely show off a pregnant belly in a bikini at a pool! I haven't (and won't) complain about the liters of blood it seems like I "donate" every time I visit the doctor's office. I will drink the glucose test orange "syrup" with pride...I love this feeling, but know it could be the last time...it is truly an experience that I wish every woman could have. I think after the miscarriages I kept thinking I wanted to experience pregnancy one more time...that I wasn't done enjoying the giver of life...and it pained me to think of the women unable to bear children...it is such an amazing gift...and I kind of feel sorry for men (almost!).
As the pregnancy begins to lengthen, I have been asked about when we will find out the gender...I think in the past three days I've been asked about 10 times! The plan is to not find out...we technically could on October 19th...but I've always wanted a surprise baby. There are of course benefits to knowing...like Savannah would stop telling me I'm having Luke AND Ella...and we could buy boy clothes if need be...and I could make sure the nursery was in the right color scheme...and the baby anticipation celebration could be themed with colors too...but really, does any of that matter? Not to us! A word of caution though...we do not plan to find out (I have said this a million times too!), BUT, I also will not look away from an ultrasound. I have been fighting so hard over the last 2 years to successfully carry a child...and there is nothing that will stop me from watching every second of an ultrasound. Especially since this very well may be the last time we get to see Baby #2 until he/she is born. I will have my eyes glued to the little miracle growing inside...and if this baby wants to declare, "I'm Luke" or "I'm Ella"...well then so be it. If that does happen, Carl and I may still keep the secret from everyone else...who knows. All I know is that we don't intend to go into the ultrasound looking for the answer of gender...we just go looking for a healthy baby...if we find out, well then Luke or Ella and God want us to know.
So...check back 3 weeks from today to see what happened...either way, you can be sure that as long as I hear a heartbeat and see a growing baby, I'll be thrilled!!!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Shame on Me!
I know...it's been almost 3 weeks since I wrote last! Settle in for the long haul - a lot has happened!
Seattle Trip -
Carl and I spent 5 days in Seattle September 10-15...I missed Savannah so, so much. I was there for work part of the time, and I learned a lot. The trip was definitely eye-opening when it comes to a project that will soon be on my plate. Carl and I also enjoyed some sight-seeing prior to the weekdays of work. It was nice to explore a new city together, sleep-in, and eat amazing food while it's still hot! We took advantage of the time away - knowing it may very well be the last trip alone for quite a while. I thought I might be a nervous wreck flying so far, especially considering my anxiety in the past...but I did really well.
Crazyness at Work -
Upon returning from Seattle, I knew I would have 7 days to finish all preparations for the College of Science and Technology's largest recruiting event of the year. This has become my "baby" so to speak...I organized/advertise/plan/run...really any action adjective you can use here...it's mine. I do everything to make sure it happens, and then the day of the Challenge I ensure everything runs smoothly while the faculty engage students in hands-on activities. In years past we have welcomed around 100 students to campus...on Monday (9/19) I learned we would have 340 students instead of the 100...and the event was Friday (9/23)...so needless to say, I was a hectic mess all week last week. It was just insane planning for all of those kids to come to campus...but in the end the day went smoothly (well, as smooth as it can with 340 high school kids involved!)...and we are now planning for an even larger group next year. This truly was one of the largest events and planning successes I have had...great day to love my job! Now I'm slowing down a bit...but there's always something going on for me to participate in or plan...which is good.
A New Home for Hope -
This is one part of our life that saddens me a bit. We are actively searching for a new home for Hope. I do love her, but I feel guilty that she is crated often, or alone often...and I know it will only get worse when the baby comes. It just isn't fair to her...and in reality it isn't fair to us. We often are cleaning up things she's chewed (because she is crated so much she chews everything when she's out) and dealing with the negative side of having a dog...and we never see the positive. The cats never have adjusted to her...constant hissing and cat yells and barking...and Hope often finds the dining room table as her personal step stool...and the amount of cleaning seems to have tripled for me...it has just become too much for us all. We are sad that it didn't work out...especially after all the things we have done to try to make it work...but a dog just doesn't fit with us. When we got her, we really didn't know if we'd ever have a baby...so we thought we'd have the time to really love and train her...and I love dogs...I really truly do...but she has become so much work and I know it will only get worse...and it just isn't fair to anyone. So...one of Carl's coworkers is a nice, single lady, who has a farm, and another dog, and is looking for a black lab puppy...she actually asked Carl about Hope months ago...and so tonight Hope is going to meet her...and if they seem to like each other, Hope may have a home...that will be much, much more fair to her...and she'll be happy. It is really hard for me to let her go, and to admit that it's my fault we're in this situation. But I was emotional...and didn't know the future...and didn't anticipate the amount of friction she would cause between Carl and I...or the way the cats would hate her...or the way Savannah would run from her...she just doesn't fit...and I hate to be one of those people that gets rid of a pet...because pets are family...but I had to make a decision that would be the best for everyone. If Carl's coworker doesn't like Hope, then we will keep her until we find her a good fit...she won't go anywhere that won't love her.
Baby Update! -
So now that all the other randomness of September is out of the way...baby update! I am now almost 17 weeks...I can't believe that! God has really blessed me with this second child, and so far everything has been fine. I have another appointment in 9 days, just a check up, but I'm looking forward to hearing that heart beat again! The "revealing" ultrasound is scheduled for the 19th of October...but we are still planning on waiting for a surprise baby...we just have to hope that the ultrasound isn't too revealing! For the past 2 or 3 weeks I've been telling family that every so often I feel the baby move...just the little flutters...which is about 2-3 weeks earlier than I felt them with Savannah...some people didn't believe me...but I was sure of the feeling. Well, yesterday was a wonderful day for me. I had an hour of some pretty obvious baby movements...and I really think it won't be long before Carl and Savannah can share in the fun and feel them too! Today the little one has been pretty active too...I often feel the rolls and kicks...it is so amazingly delightful to feel! It also is such a great way to keep my mind at ease that he or she is still growing and developing.
It has also become a constant reminder that even if I'd like to believe I still have time...I really don't have all the time in the world to get the nursery back into baby-shape! We've been so busy with work (Carl with a major project too) and Carl's mom moving that the nursery has kind of been put off for another day...but in all reality, 20 more weeks and if I go into labor they won't stop me...that isn't that long! I'm almost to the halfway point! I need to get clothes washed/refolded/put in the drawer...paint the name letters and have them ready to hang up (I'm making a Luke and an Ella...so that way the name can go up before we even get home)...open the double stroller and have Carl build it...pack all the little things from the nursery closet that are sentimental things of Savannah's....and just generally get all the things out of the nursery that don't belong there...I'm hoping that sometime in October we will have an evening or two to work on all that...we may just have to schedule it in!
As for me...I'm feeling great. Physically I'm not as tired as I used to be...and I'm eating again. I still haven't lost or gained any weight...but I'm sure that won't last long...I know the pounds are going to start adding on soon! I also am weaning off my Celexa. Last week I was taking half a dose...and now I only take one half dose tonight, one half dose on Wednesday, and then I'm done - completely off! While it is a medicine that "could" be taken during pregnancy...there is no proof that it is or isn't safe...and there have been rare ties to issues when women take it during the second half of pregnancy...so I say, if I don't need it then I'm not taking it. My doctor fully supports the decision...and so we decided to try it. So far I haven't noticed one bit of difference, so hopefully I'm off it for good! If I need to go back on it (say panic attacks come back, etc.) and it stresses me to the point it isn't safe for the baby...then I will revisit the decision...but I honestly feel just as normal as when I was on it...so hopefully I'm back to being myself! It feels great to know I'm able to do it on my own...and make the best choices for my baby.
So that is the past 3 weeks in a nutshell...a lot of changing emotions and goings-on...but that seems to be the story of my life!!
Seattle Trip -
Carl and I spent 5 days in Seattle September 10-15...I missed Savannah so, so much. I was there for work part of the time, and I learned a lot. The trip was definitely eye-opening when it comes to a project that will soon be on my plate. Carl and I also enjoyed some sight-seeing prior to the weekdays of work. It was nice to explore a new city together, sleep-in, and eat amazing food while it's still hot! We took advantage of the time away - knowing it may very well be the last trip alone for quite a while. I thought I might be a nervous wreck flying so far, especially considering my anxiety in the past...but I did really well.
Crazyness at Work -
Upon returning from Seattle, I knew I would have 7 days to finish all preparations for the College of Science and Technology's largest recruiting event of the year. This has become my "baby" so to speak...I organized/advertise/plan/run...really any action adjective you can use here...it's mine. I do everything to make sure it happens, and then the day of the Challenge I ensure everything runs smoothly while the faculty engage students in hands-on activities. In years past we have welcomed around 100 students to campus...on Monday (9/19) I learned we would have 340 students instead of the 100...and the event was Friday (9/23)...so needless to say, I was a hectic mess all week last week. It was just insane planning for all of those kids to come to campus...but in the end the day went smoothly (well, as smooth as it can with 340 high school kids involved!)...and we are now planning for an even larger group next year. This truly was one of the largest events and planning successes I have had...great day to love my job! Now I'm slowing down a bit...but there's always something going on for me to participate in or plan...which is good.
A New Home for Hope -
This is one part of our life that saddens me a bit. We are actively searching for a new home for Hope. I do love her, but I feel guilty that she is crated often, or alone often...and I know it will only get worse when the baby comes. It just isn't fair to her...and in reality it isn't fair to us. We often are cleaning up things she's chewed (because she is crated so much she chews everything when she's out) and dealing with the negative side of having a dog...and we never see the positive. The cats never have adjusted to her...constant hissing and cat yells and barking...and Hope often finds the dining room table as her personal step stool...and the amount of cleaning seems to have tripled for me...it has just become too much for us all. We are sad that it didn't work out...especially after all the things we have done to try to make it work...but a dog just doesn't fit with us. When we got her, we really didn't know if we'd ever have a baby...so we thought we'd have the time to really love and train her...and I love dogs...I really truly do...but she has become so much work and I know it will only get worse...and it just isn't fair to anyone. So...one of Carl's coworkers is a nice, single lady, who has a farm, and another dog, and is looking for a black lab puppy...she actually asked Carl about Hope months ago...and so tonight Hope is going to meet her...and if they seem to like each other, Hope may have a home...that will be much, much more fair to her...and she'll be happy. It is really hard for me to let her go, and to admit that it's my fault we're in this situation. But I was emotional...and didn't know the future...and didn't anticipate the amount of friction she would cause between Carl and I...or the way the cats would hate her...or the way Savannah would run from her...she just doesn't fit...and I hate to be one of those people that gets rid of a pet...because pets are family...but I had to make a decision that would be the best for everyone. If Carl's coworker doesn't like Hope, then we will keep her until we find her a good fit...she won't go anywhere that won't love her.
Baby Update! -
So now that all the other randomness of September is out of the way...baby update! I am now almost 17 weeks...I can't believe that! God has really blessed me with this second child, and so far everything has been fine. I have another appointment in 9 days, just a check up, but I'm looking forward to hearing that heart beat again! The "revealing" ultrasound is scheduled for the 19th of October...but we are still planning on waiting for a surprise baby...we just have to hope that the ultrasound isn't too revealing! For the past 2 or 3 weeks I've been telling family that every so often I feel the baby move...just the little flutters...which is about 2-3 weeks earlier than I felt them with Savannah...some people didn't believe me...but I was sure of the feeling. Well, yesterday was a wonderful day for me. I had an hour of some pretty obvious baby movements...and I really think it won't be long before Carl and Savannah can share in the fun and feel them too! Today the little one has been pretty active too...I often feel the rolls and kicks...it is so amazingly delightful to feel! It also is such a great way to keep my mind at ease that he or she is still growing and developing.
It has also become a constant reminder that even if I'd like to believe I still have time...I really don't have all the time in the world to get the nursery back into baby-shape! We've been so busy with work (Carl with a major project too) and Carl's mom moving that the nursery has kind of been put off for another day...but in all reality, 20 more weeks and if I go into labor they won't stop me...that isn't that long! I'm almost to the halfway point! I need to get clothes washed/refolded/put in the drawer...paint the name letters and have them ready to hang up (I'm making a Luke and an Ella...so that way the name can go up before we even get home)...open the double stroller and have Carl build it...pack all the little things from the nursery closet that are sentimental things of Savannah's....and just generally get all the things out of the nursery that don't belong there...I'm hoping that sometime in October we will have an evening or two to work on all that...we may just have to schedule it in!
As for me...I'm feeling great. Physically I'm not as tired as I used to be...and I'm eating again. I still haven't lost or gained any weight...but I'm sure that won't last long...I know the pounds are going to start adding on soon! I also am weaning off my Celexa. Last week I was taking half a dose...and now I only take one half dose tonight, one half dose on Wednesday, and then I'm done - completely off! While it is a medicine that "could" be taken during pregnancy...there is no proof that it is or isn't safe...and there have been rare ties to issues when women take it during the second half of pregnancy...so I say, if I don't need it then I'm not taking it. My doctor fully supports the decision...and so we decided to try it. So far I haven't noticed one bit of difference, so hopefully I'm off it for good! If I need to go back on it (say panic attacks come back, etc.) and it stresses me to the point it isn't safe for the baby...then I will revisit the decision...but I honestly feel just as normal as when I was on it...so hopefully I'm back to being myself! It feels great to know I'm able to do it on my own...and make the best choices for my baby.
So that is the past 3 weeks in a nutshell...a lot of changing emotions and goings-on...but that seems to be the story of my life!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)