On the Mend

It's time to put on my big girl panties and get back on the horse. I've been at work now for a full week. I've driven back and forth, alone, in rain and shine. I haven't panicked...or really come close to panicking. At the beginning of the week I was very conscious of trying to keep my mind on random things so I wouldn't panic...but today I just drove to work like normal...no worries, no panic. I have laughed more and loved more this week. Last week it was hard to really connect with Savannah...I just felt so detached. This week I have felt amazingly close to her. Snuggling before her bedtime is bliss...and the kisses! I can't get enough of her kisses!

While I've never been one to take medicine (hence the completely natural birth...) I think this is one of the best decisions I've made in a long time. I know that there will probably still be some days that aren't the best...but I really am hoping that the worst days are gone.

Next week (on St. Patrick's Day) I revisit my obgyn (my original, the one who dealt with my pregnancy with Savannah) for a post-op appointment. I really think I'm going to discuss all of what has gone on over the past two months and see what my options are. It is possible she'll tell me to wait to even try until late May or June to even think about trying again...and emotionally I think that's probably best anyway. I also want to know where she stands with blood tests and progesterone supplements...that day may be one of the down days...but maybe not.

The struggle to have children is an amazing path...and I'm constantly reminded of how much I miss a small baby each time I see Savannah, who is quickly becoming a full-blown toddler without any resemblance of a baby. I think maybe that's why I avoided her some of the past few weeks...each moment just struck me as a reminder of what I've lost. But now I'm able to see that I may have lost some things, but I do have so many blessings in my life. So far 2011 hasn't been a good year for my family...but it will be by the end. If another Poland isn't on the way, that will be okay because I know Savannah will be growing and learning and loving just the same.