Over the past few months I have blogged about several topics...some amusing, some related to crafting, some related to the little antics toddlers try...and some very serious subjects that are usually kept "hush hush".
As I come to terms (finally) with my second consecutive miscarriage, I have been faced with another health issue that I really did not think I would ever suffer - mental instability. My last post concisely includes the fall from normality I faced. It has been scary and difficult to come to terms with any of it. I have always been one of those people who just couldn't understand that mental illness really is an illness. I always just thought, "Why don't they just think differently? Why would anyone think of suicide? There's always something to look forward to.". I assumed it was all in the power of the mind, and my mind would never fail me. But now I realize how silly it is to think like that.
Now that my anxiety has been pushed to the forefront, I have been forced to face all of the root causes.
In kindergarten my mom and I were walking home from the bus stop and a high school student drove by and ended up hitting my mother. She was rushed to the hospital. Thankfully I was not hurt. I had to ride in the ambulance with her and until my dad arrived at the hospital I was told to sit in a conference room with a juice box and a movie to watch. I had no idea what was going on...but my mom was okay. She still suffers some hip/back/neck pain today, but she is fine.
In 4th grade a friend of mine died after he played a basketball game. The cause of death was a brain aneurysm. My dad suffered a brain aneurysm at the age of 19. He lives with some disabilities now, but he lives. As a 4th grader it was scary to see that we are not immortal. I've always been the type A, worry wart that I am now. So naturally I began worrying that I could die of a brain aneurysm. Things went so far that I ended up with a stomach ulcer and the doctors did a CAT scan on me to prove my brain was indeed fine.
The summer before high school started a good friend of mine died in a car accident while exiting the interstate. It was horrible. From that day on I avoided the interstate at all costs...and I didn't use that exit for at least a year after her death.
Then in high school we took a family vacation in Tennessee. We did a lot of hiking and I was constantly on edge watching my dad walk to trails. His main disability is lack of balance. So there we all are on a crazy high trail and my dad is pushing the limits so he can do what everyone else does. I understand his need to push past his disability and do what everyone else does...but my goodness it worried me. By the end of that trip I was so dehydrated that I ended up in the hospital. I am sure the anxiety of the trip is partially what landed me in that position.
After my high school graduation Carl and I were on the interstate heading home from a day of shopping...and had a near accident. My parents were in a car behind us and I instantly feared for them. In the end no one was hurt, but it scary and haunted me for a while.
Now, after facing two miscarriages I have this fear that something is wrong with me, that my body is broken. My anxiety is related to my death or being seriously ill. The doctors have reassured me that I am not dying and that miscarriage can happen without explanation. Driving on the interstate is most definitely a trigger...I have seen a lot of scary things in my childhood. Maybe other people have seen worse things and haven't ended up mental unstable...but for whatever reason I am struggling. It's been hard to face my demons and not allow them to define me.
So I've said it. I'm not 100% myself, I am on medicine for a mental health issue. But I am still the same loving mother of Savannah, am incredibly grateful for the solid support from Carl, and I am not perfect. I'm working towards getting better and that is not something to be ashamed of, but proud of. It is hard to admit that I need help, I almost near admit such a thing. But I want to be a great mom and wife...and I'd like to get past some of these demons in time to think about another pregnancy.
After the 1st miscarriage I said I had found a reason behind it. God knew I wouldn't be in any position to be pregnant last fall. This second miscarriage has taken me a while to understand. But I finally feel as if I can see His plan behind it all. For years (obviously) I have been anxious and in need of some therapy of some kind, but have put it off. I feared being labeled, I feared what I would learn. But this miscarriage pushed me over that edge. Another reason? I have a close friend who is battling some of the same things I am...and keeps trying to solve it herself. I finally have learned that sometimes you can't solve things on your own, and now I am trying to make sure she helps herself as well. I don't know what plans God has in store for my friend or myself, but He obviously wants us healthy and ready...maybe twins in my future?
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