April will officially arrive tomorrow. That means the darling daughter of my best friends will turn two tomorrow...which also means my darling daughter will turn two in 10 days!
Time goes by us so fast. In preparation for Savannah's big day I've been going through photos and scrapbooks to find the most important things in her life. When I look back at photos of Savannah as a newborn, and then when she was one, and now her 2-year old photos, I am amazed at how much she has grown up and changed. When I was showing my mother-in-law the most recent pictures she said "She looks too grown up!" and I just thought "You're telling me!".
In recent evenings Savannah has been eager to cuddle with me (I fell asleep in her bed again last night...I really, really, have to stop that!). While we were rocking quietly I thought about all the little things I did during Savannah's first year. I tracked just about every little "first". I bought a birthday card for each new month. In the cards I wrote a special message about what she'd done new that month and included a picture of her. I really think I might revisit those cards soon...even though it wasn't that long ago I really couldn't tell you when she first slept through the night, or when she started laughing...those details quickly fade.
Now I have a beautiful toddler who is incredibly gifted in so many ways. Daily I wonder who she will become. She counts...everything...now. The other day I was reading a magazine in the nursery and she was in the floor playing with books. All of the sudden I heard her say, "One...two...three..." and I looked down to see that she was counting books as she took them out of a box...and she counted all the way to 11! Shapes are becoming a popular thing with her too...she tells us often what shape things are, and colors are a must all the time. Everything has a color! She throws a ball well, she kicks a tennis ball well (what crazy coordination), and she can fully use my iPod.
At this point a lot of people would think I'm one of those "bragging moms", but I'm not. I know that many toddlers can probably do the same things...I'm simply amazed that she is doing all of this when a year ago she didn't say much at all and she wasn't quite ready to walk on her own. She has grown. She has changed. She is not a baby anymore.
So where does that leave us? We have a house full of chaos with a toddler, puppy, and four cats. We'd like to add a baby to that chaos...but at this point by the time another baby arrives the puppy with be at least a year old and will have been through 3 obedience classes. The cats will have adjusted. Savannah will be a little bit older and will possibly be potty trained (she pooped in the potty on Tuesday - it's closer than I think!). Will we conceive and carry a baby to full term? I don't know...I pray we will.
The other night at Bible Study we were discussing a part of Exodus (Exodus 32:11) where Moses pleads with the LORD to spare the Israelites. It had been in God's plan to spare Moses only and destroy everyone else. Moses intervened and attempted to show God the bigger picture. And God changed his mind. So what can we learn from this?
God loves us all - that is unchanging. However, prayer can change things. Moses was, essentially, praying for God to spare the Israelites. This is where I become lost. If prayer can change God's mind, why do people pray for a cure for cancer - and still die of it? Why do I suffer two miscarriages when I have been attempting to raise Savannah to follow in the path of Jesus, and would eagerly encourage a second child to do the same?
I've been thinking about those questions a lot during my drive to and from work. I have decided that God does answer prayers (and though He does answer them it isn't always the answer we want) and God does change his mind to answer prayers in the way we hope. But when we pray for something and get a different answer, it doesn't mean God doesn't favor us. It means that the bigger picture doesn't include the answer we want. I still can't control my future, but I do know that because of the two miscarriages there are a lot of very different things in my life now. Hope certainly would not have been welcomed into our home if we had a new baby, or a baby on the way. I wouldn't have gotten help for my anxiety. My story wouldn't have been shared to inspire others. I might not have learned as much at Bible Study.
The bigger picture remains unseen, and will more than likely stay that way for years to come. For now I will pray that this summer becomes a triumphant summer where pregnancy is not elusive and I remain healthy and welcome a second child in the late winter or early spring. If that child is in God's bigger picture, than it will happen. I haven't lost hope yet, I'm dangling from a thread of hope for another child...hopefully I will reach up and be able to stand on a solid foundation of hope soon.
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