Leap of Faith

How do you know when God is speaking to you?

I've wrestled with that question all weekend. It kind of started for me on Saturday when a friend posted a quote from Luke.

"For nothing will be impossible with God" - Luke 1:37.

When I read that status update I got chills. Not only are the words comforting and reassuring to me, but the fact that they are found in Luke meant so much to me. If Carl and I are ever blessed with a son, we intend to name him Luke Asher. After reading that I began to feel at ease a bit.

Sunday morning Savannah was in a very brave mood at church and ventured around the pews "talking" with people (such a surprise for me - she is usually so shy!) so I had a moment to read the little message on the front of the bulletin. Again, it spoke volumes. The story was about a man who planted two peonies. The first flower sprouted and bloomed into a beautiful flower. Then the second didn't appear for many weeks, and the man began to think that the peony bulb was dead. Then one morning he discovered that not one, but five, beautiful peonies had sprouted. Instantly I felt a connection with the man in the story. Savannah was my first beautiful flower...and now I have feared that she will be my only one. I told Carl that if our lives follow that story we might have our hands full next time around!

Then, during church, the scripture passage came from Luke. Again, I felt so strongly moved by it. The scripture the sermon was related to came from Judges, but in it the family of Asher was mentioned...again, I had this strong feeling. What was the sermon about? Being faithful and putting our trust in God. I began to struggle this point with emotions...and questions. Was God trying to tell me something? If so, what was the message? And if I thought I understood the message, was I right? I began wondering, is God telling me to try again for a child? Instantly I began to think I am not ready...physically or mentally. My doctor wouldn't be happy if I got pregnant before June, I'm still on medicine that wouldn't be good for a pregnant woman, we have travel ahead of us, I don't know if I can emotionally handle another pregnancy yet...there's just so many reasons that flooded my mind.

At the end of the service the pastor gave the benediction...and in that he said that often God asks us to be faithful and we think of so many reasons why we can't do what He asks...and that we can do what He asks, and we should know that we'll be holding Jesus' hand the whole way.

I was torn...I still am torn...what is God saying? Do I try as soon as possible or do I just not prevent and trust that if I get pregnant God will take care of the health side of things? Is God telling me that when we do try again He'll be there every step? I just don't know...is He asking me to take a leap of faith??

I told Carl about all of this last night, and how I felt that after the second miscarriage my spiritual self has grown incredibly. So then I wonder, is that what both miscarriages were about? To bring me closer to God? Which, is sort of ironic, because a lot of people would think miscarriages might drive some people to become less faithful. Now I feel that I truly benefit from Bible Study and church sermons...I get something more from it all. So is this the true purpose? Isn't life's purpose to follow in the footsteps of Jesus and desire a closer relationship with God?

So many questions, but I still arrive at the one I began with: How do you know when God is speaking to you?