Parenting Perceptions

I've learned a lot about parenting since I first became a mom. I remember that, before Savannah was born, I used to have a lot of "plans" for handling the misbehavior of my children. Now, of course, I have learned that no matter how much you plan for misbehavior a child will find a new way to challenge you.

One very important thing I have learned is to not allow others to persuade your parenting decisions. It's an easy trap to fall into. You're in a store shopping and your tired or hungry or teething or (fill in reason here) toddler is cranky. Immediately, moms feel the pressure to quiet their child. While I do agree that it's best to avoid annoying fellow shoppers, it isn't the first, nor will it be the last, time a child has burst into a meltdown in the middle of a store (or restaurant, etc.).

As I reflect on situations where I have been a bystander in situations like this (where it isn't my child screaming), the thing I remember most isn't the child having the meltdown, but the reaction of the parent. I'm assuming I remember the parents' reactions more vividly because once someone hears a child scream it becomes automatic to look to the mother or father for a way to pacify the child.

So with this realization, I have been forced to become a bystander to my own reactions. What do I do when Savannah cries? How do I respond? What does my response tell those looking on as we careen into full meltdown mode? In all honesty, those moments of solving the woes of a child define your parenting style. It is easy to parent a happy child - but children are not eternally happy.

While (as I stated above) I think it is important to always make your own parenting decisions, it would also be nice to keep the embarrassment level to a minimum. After all of these ideas, where does that lead me?

First, bystanders will remember my reaction, not my child's outburst. Second, regardless of the amount (or intensity) of stares, I don' t want to change how I parent my child because of those aforementioned stares. Third, the embarrassment that could result shouldn't be of the child's outburst (after all, every child has outbursts at some point). Fourth, if embarrassment does occur, it should be of how the parent handled the situation.

Now for the tough part - how do I parent? I will admit there are times where my patience is incredibly thin and I probably should be embarrassed of my reactions. But there are also times that I can be proud to say that if anyone was watching my reaction, they didn't see an angry, scowling, mean mother. They saw love and compassion for my daughter, helping her through her emotions and solving the problem. I love Savannah so very dearly (and if at this point anyone questioned if she returned my affection you need to listen to my daily phone conversations with her!). It is not uncommon to see me kneeling at Savannah's level, talking to her calmly and quieting while she cries. We address the problem and find a solution. If, when at a restaurant, she doesn't want to behave, she and I sit outside in the parking lot to handle a time out.

I clearly remember a day last fall that Savannah dumped my salad (dressing and all) in my lap at Cheddar's. I calmly cleaned up as much as I could, picked her up, carried her outside and sat her on the curb next to the car (in a back parking lot, no where near a road). She had her time out and I explained it to her. We then returned to the table and had dinner as a normal family would. Most of my dinner was gone, but my child learned a lesson...that's the life of the mom of a toddler.

I could have handled that situation differently. I could have yelled at her, causing her to become even more upset. I could have thrown a tantrum myself about being a mess. But if I had done that, what would Savannah have learned? She would have learned that when you are upset you scream and yell and stomp your foot. That isn't at all the lessons I want my child(ren) to learn. In my actual reaction of staying calm and insisting on a time out I succeeded. Savannah learned that it isn't acceptable to behave like that and that behavior gets you nothing but a time out. She learned that when she is upset she can use words to express herself instead of actions. She learned that no matter what she does I still love her and always will.

I've also learned that the most honest and truthful comments about your parenting comes from bystanders. Just recently I had such an encounter at the grocery store. Savannah is now allowed to walk in stores with us. We always give her two choices: ride in the buggy or walk next to the buggy holding on. She almost always chooses to walk. Once we get to the check out lane, I hold Savannah while Carl unloads the groceries. On this particular Saturday morning I'd picked up Savannah and would tickle her or whisper something to her. She (like she does so often) then squeezed me tight and pulled me close. The lady standing behind me spoke up and said, "I wish I had a camera, I could have gotten about 200 photos of such a happy girl." That one sentence, from a stranger, really made me feel like I've been doing some things right. I know I'm not a perfect parent and I know I never will be...but I also know that I must not be doing a terrible job when a stranger can clearly see the love.