Are We Crazy?!

The other night I asked Carl if we were crazy. It kind of hit me when he said that when another baby is welcomed into our home will we have 9 mouths to feed. I instantly said, "No we won't. It's not that many."...but then I started counting. Carl, myself, Savannah, Omen, Cyrus, O'Malley, Junebug, and Hope...plus another baby would make 9. I really started to think we're crazy. For two 20-somethings, we sure do have a lot of responsibilities and people/pets depending on us!

I wondered, what are we thinking wanting another child? We have a quiet house (for the most part) from 8p to 7a...we get sleep on a regular basis...we're almost out of diapers and binkies with Savannah...Savannah knows how to clean her plate after meals (she throws away the trash and puts her dishes in the sink)...we finally have a semi-independent child...and now we want another one!?

But then I was reminded why I want another child. Because every minute of hardship with children is worth it. Savannah starts pre-school at the church this fall, and the secretary was telling me how excited she was to watch Savannah play at the church with her friends. She said they often play in the main area with a giant parachute...and it hit me then that I will miss out on Savannah having fun. That made my heart hurt. To this point in time, I have never missed out on any major fun experience. I go with her everywhere...parades, parks, museums, all of it. But once she is in school she will be having fun, without me. I'm proud of her for doing it...but it made me realize that this is just the beginning...once she starts school she will be doing all kinds of fun things while I am at work. And really, this would be happening to me if I was a stay at home mom too...I can't go to school with Savannah and spend every minute with her. It's good for her to be independent...but it is so hard to know that her being independent also means that I have to let go a little...and a little more the next year...and a little more the next.

The seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years pass by so quickly. And that is why we want another child. The crying will pass, the little sleep will pass...and unfortunately, so will all the fun times too. Children grow up incredibly too fast...

Insomnia...

I have been such a terrible blogger recently. It isn't that I don't have anything to share...it is almost the opposite. My mind is constantly swirling with ideas for blog posts...but I have been so busy this month.

My insomnia level is insane...I lay down exhausted at night, but it literally takes at least an hour for me to fall asleep. Most of the time I'm just thinking about so many things, but sometimes I just can't get comfortable or find the right position for sleep. It is my first experience with insomnia...and I really, really hope is goes away soon.

Savannah is still all kinds of cute - she now sings for us often. When I ask her to sing for me, she instantly breaks into "The sun will come out...tomorrow!", but she often just sings her words to us. She also responds to questions with adorable answers. Carl asked her if she was a bird, and she said "No, pig!" to which he then asked, "Who calls you a pig?" eliciting a giggled response of "Mommy!".

Our little Hope isn't so little anymore either. She's pushing 40 pounds, and is improving some with her puppy classes. She has learned sit, down, stand, stay (limited), spin, shake, crawl, and come. I was impressed at class the other night when I was all the way across the room and Hope came running to me when called, even with the other dogs out to distract her. She also knows a lot of her commands by hand signal. Really, she is an intelligent dog...she is just SO incredibly hyper. I know we need to get her outside more, and that would probably solve all our problems...and now that I really, really want to walk with her, it's insanely hot! And right now, I don't do heat.

So life is moving right along this summer. The whole baby thing has eased a bit for me. Much, much less worrying. I know and trust God will walk with us down whatever path He points us to. I am excited to meet another Poland, and I hope to get that chance sometime in 2012. Now if only I could get some sleep!!

Mysteries and Riddles

I really enjoy a good mystery...and a good riddle. In fact I love them so much that I've hidden one inside this post.

Are you preceptive enough to find the clues and solve the puzzle? Some people may think riddles are silly...but in the lazy days of summer, we all need a little fun!

My family won't be surprised by this. I'm always one to be a little creative and inventive...so here it is, my mysterious riddle.

Perhaps you will solve this riddle more quickly than I anticipate, but that's okay. (Please just don't spoil the fun and post public comments!)

Really, this idea for a riddle came about a while ago, but I've just recently been inspired to actually write up a post to tie in with the riddle.

Equally fun are puzzles and games, but really the hidden riddle is the best. Will you solve it? Do you know what kind of coat can be put on only when wet?

Good for you if you solved that one! Maybe I can trick you with this one: What is put on a table, cut, but never eaten?

Now we're really digging into the hard-to-solve riddles. How about this one: What two things can you never eat for dinner?

And for another teaser: What kind of storm is always in a rush?

Now remember the rules, if you think you know the answer, please don't post publicly and ruin all the fun! All of the answers will be coming soon!

Try to not Google search!!

:0)

Quiet on the Home Front

I was thinking today that my blog has been pretty quiet recently...I guess it's not because things are boring and slow...I just have a lot on my mind that I'm not ready to write about...soon though.

Puppy Class!

Tonight is a big step for our little gal, Hope. She attends her very first puppy class. I see this as a trial run of how emotional I'll be when Savannah begins pre-school (two days a week) this fall. I am so incredibly excited to see Hope's behavior after the next six weeks. She is just incredibly...energetic...and that has been such a stress. We've been working on getting the potty training under control, and now we just need to her to understand how to greet new people and puppies. She has taken great strides since we brought her home...but she still is pretty much impossible to deal with when she's excited...and even more so for me since she weighs close to 40 pounds! I hope to post some new pictures of her soon, I'd love to get one of her sitting next to Savannah, and put it side-by-side with one I took the first night we had Hope at home...then it will be so clear how much she's grown! It's just very difficult to get a toddler and a puppy to sit still long enough for a photo!

Am I Lost?

As a beginning side note - today I celebrate four years of marriage with Carl. I know the old joke is that it feels longer than that, but in this case, I'm not joking, it really does feel longer than that. We have been through enough emotional ups and downs over the past year that it really does feel like we've been through much more than 4 years of marriage! (In truth we've been together over 9 years, and we have been pretty much inseparable from the minute we started dating.) Happy Anniversary to the man I love!!

Now onto my wandering path of thoughts...recently I have been creating all of these ideas of what I can do in the future, and then just as soon as the idea comes, I'm past it. For instance, my love of cupcake decorating led me to consider a cupcake business, but now I have no interest in anything but making cupcakes for fun. Then there came the whole "party business" idea...I even spent money on books to add to my collection, but now I just want to focus on Savannah's party and a baby shower I am hosting. I have no desire to start a serious business. And most recently, I have fallen in love with making handmade cards. I really think I might be addicted. I've been making anywhere from 3-5 cards a week. I have a full collection of 16 cards that I created for no one in particular. I've decided that I will buy envelopes and clear plastic "slips" for the cards and sell them at the church bazaar this fall...at least then I'll make some money on my hobby...and I can use that money to purchase a die cutting machine...as long as I don't suddenly lose interest. Although I have been particularly inspired to make cards...just a ribbon or a punch or a stamp can inspire my next creation...that's what I love about it all.

So when I think about that, I have started and then dropped several ideas...which for me is so out of character. I'm such a "finisher" and "doer"...not a quitter. So why the sudden impulse to start and stop things? I think maybe it's that I'm finally allowing myself to try something out, and if I don't like it, quit. All of my life I have been the "success"...even if that success didn't equal happiness. I am creative, and I love being creative, and I think I've had to experiment at just how I want to express my creativity. I used to scrapbook like crazy, but I've lost interest in that...it's just so hard to drag out all the stuff and work on a page...I feel really guilty about that...I wanted to scrap things for Savannah...so in the end I think I might just stick to a plan for kids...a pregnancy scrapbook, a first year scrapbook, and a birthday book (every 2 page layout covers a birthday, so at age 16 the book is full)...that way I'm not trying to capture every little thing....in reality, we take amazing photos, and I put together little "videos" of photos for the great-grandparents, so that is a way of recording the memories...and I can display more photos that way than I can on a page in the scrapbook.

So am I lost? Am I still searching for my own identity (minus the obvious identity as wife and mom)? I don't know. Maybe. I love my career and helping young students grow. Have I finally found the right outlet for my creativity? Maybe. It's easy paced, I can just do a card here and there, I don't have to devote a lot of time to it, and I can give things away to those I love...sounds pretty good to me!

An Ode to My Readers

Recently I decided to add a hit counter to my blog...just to change the layout a bit. The number was set to display all hits, beginning with my very first blog post on January 28, 2010. In the 17 months I have been blogging, I have 2741 hits. That is pretty amazing to me. That's an average of 5 hits a day...so who is reading my blog? I'm not entirely sure. I have some public followers, but it must also be that I have a lot of anonymous followers. I know that as the past year has unfolded (Father's Day was the anniversary of the first time I told Carl I was pregnant - with the pregnancy ending 2 1/2 weeks later) I have had several followers join in. During the second miscarriage I was amazed at the number of personal messages and conversations that started with "I've been reading your blog..."

I started this blog for a place to share the little worries and antics of raising a toddler...but it has turned into the raw truth of struggling to be a mom while also trying to become a new mom again. I share the awful, heart-breaking truth with the world. It's become a personal crusade of mine to not hide the hardships of bringing a new life into the world. So many women feel ashamed and guilty when miscarriage occurs, and I hate that. I also think I have found an outlet to share my faith, and my struggles with my faith. I need the prayers and support, and until I share the news with people, they don't know how best to help me.

When I was in college, I was a member of Kappa Phi (Christian Service Club/Sorority). If there was ever a need, the group would send out a prayer request. During meetings the group always had a shared time for praying. I've always been a kind of visual thinker (hence my card projects!) and after praying as I group I always would get this vision of the Care Bears, where their little bellies lit up and rainbows emerging into the sky. I liked to think of Kappa Phi as the "Prayer Bears". I envisioned all the prayers going up on rainbows to God, strengthening and growing in size as each girl lifted her voice.

On Sunday, our pastor (love Avery UMC!) was discussing traffic circles, and the cooperation they require. He mentioned that all of us are spiritually moving in the same direction, going to the same destination, just moving at different speeds. There are times that some of us are speeding, times that some of us are poking along, and times that some of us are broken down and need a hand. Recently I have been the "car" on the side of the road, broken down, struggling with my faith "engine" and causing traffic tie-ups among my family and friends. But thanks to my readers (and of course non-readers who still love me!), prayers have healed old wounds, my faith "engine" is repaired and ready to go, and I can get back on the road of Christian life.

I know there are several of you out there, praying for me, thinking of me, and supporting me. I appreciate each and every one of you...I wish you'd let me know who you are so I can pray for you too!