I'm not even back to work in Fairmont for 5 hours, and Savannah gets her first boo-boo.
This morning it felt so good to get out of the house and return to my office...working from home is wonderful, but I truly missed the interaction with my coworkers. I enjoy my job, and I enjoy the atmosphere of adults working together. I do love Savannah so, SO, much, but I think a working-mom is the best kind of mom I can be. I also think it allows Savannah time with her Grandma that is oh-so-precious. She loves her entire family, and it is a blessing that she gets to see them so often, and that Carl and I get to still carry-on with our own, non-parent, lives when Savannah makes special trips to visit family. I didn't realize how much I missed the interaction at work until I arrived this morning. I had missed my friends so much. It also helps that finally, finally, we can see the sun again!
So after feeling so good about getting back into routine, and allowing Savannah her time with Grandma (which I really kind of think she was glad for too!), I'm checking on her around lunch time to see how her day has gone...and then I hear it. A small noise in the background, then wails from my little babe. My mom explains calmly that she's fine, she just sat down too hard while she'd been holding onto the coffee table. Remember that cute little quirk I mentioned a while earlier that Carl has when he concentrates? The habit of sticking out his tongue a bit when he's concentrating? Well Savannah has picked this little habit up, and it just so happens that while she was standing at the coffee table she was concentrating. All of this adds up to a very unhappy baby who bit her lip on the way down. Yes, blood was drawn...my little one has gotten her first boo-boo. She was comforted quickly, and back to normal in a jiffy, but her lovey (this ridiculously gray but started out pink stuffed thing she won't go anywhere without) has a bit of blood on it now from where she immediately grabbed it and held it to her face after she fell. She is fine...but am I?
It is moments like that when I wonder should I always be home with her? Would I be a better mom if I was home? Would she have gotten hurt if I were there? Would she have been comforted a second faster if I'd been there? The thing is, I don't know the answer to any of those questions. She might have fallen regardless of who was there...I seriously doubt my mom wasn't watching her. She has been standing at that table all week - mistake free. How would I have known she was going to fall? I don't know if she would have been comforted any faster than she was with my mom...she loves Grandma a lot too. And I don't know if I would be a better mom at home.
What I do know, is that Savannah is loved very much by myself, Carl, and our extended family. She is always in safe, trusted hands. She will never be left with anyone we don't fully trust. She knows that too, I think that's why there is no crying in the mornings when Carl and I leave for work. Grandma is just changing the guard with us, and Savannah is perfectly fine with that. I want her to have that ability to be okay without me, at least for a bit...she needs to know that when we leave her she will be okay and the person she is with is someone who loves her. At times I hate that this lesson is beginning at such a young age for her, but on the other hand I don't want reality to set in when she misses us because we are at the hospital about ready to bring home another baby in a year or two.
I also think that the infusion of adult interaction that I get from work makes me a happier person at home. I am just the type that craves the social interaction at work. I certainly don't want to spend more than my 8 hours at work, but I don't feel like I'm not a good mom by going to work...it truly gives me some time to be my own person too.
I've been thinking a lot about that too recently...who will I be in 18 years when Savannah moves out? Will I be some shell of my former self and crave to follow her where she goes? (I hope not - Savannah has quite the independent streak...I could be following her all over the world!) While you are a parent forever, you only make decisions for them for so long...so while I fully feel my purpose in life is to be a mom, I also have smaller goals that I can't ignore. I don't want to give the impression that I have this need to abandon her, because I most certainly don't feel that way. I just think I need to remember who I am, as well as be a great mom. To me, those two goals can be achieved at the same time. Parents are given these years to raise their child; to love, teach, and guide their child. The lessons Savannah learns she will carry forever. I want to make the most of my 18 years with Savannah before she becomes an adult (legally anyway), but I also want to show her that a woman can be a great mom and a great woman.
I am not at all saying my way is the right way to raise a child...most certainly not saying that. I'm just saying my way is the best way to raise my child. I am also not saying that any other way is wrong for someone else's child. It all comes down to this...there will be boo-boos I miss, but Savannah will never receive less love.
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